Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Name: Johnny Wockenfuss
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, first base, outfield
Value of card: Not enough to make a fuss about
Key 1985 stat: One run
Spruce up your vocabulary: What is the etymology of the word "Wockenfuss"?

(A) It's a German term for a face that has been misshapen by a catcher's mask.
(B) It's from the Dutch for a Just for Men Mustache & Beard model.
(C) It's an Albanian word that describes someone who can pound an entire case of Spam.
(D) It's Philly slang for a washed-up ballplayer.
(E) All of the above.

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bake McBride
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 baked cookies (stale)
Key 1980 stat: Zero times using an oven
A new inductee: We want to welcome Bake McBride to the Name Hall of Fame. It's quite an honor to be included among the likes of Charles Assmann, Dick Pole and Chet Lemon. Sure, McBride's name isn't an easy dick-and-fart joke and, sure, thousands of kids didn't make their own fun cards by erasing his face and drawing a giant fruit head, but you can't deny the awesomeness of a guy with an afro and a dirty beard who looks baked and is named Bake. This Name Hall of Famer would make a fine McBride for any Assmann out there.

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Name: Greg Gross
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 dead frogs being eaten by maggots
Key 1988 stat: 9 straight hours locked in a construction site portable toilet
Let's see what Greg Gross stands for:

Grody dude
Rank undershirt
Elephant Man: also gross
Grimy glasses

Grungy look
Repugnant uniform color
Offensive odor
Scuzzy 'stache
Sickening resemblance to another Gross

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: David Palmer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One VHS cassette from 2001 with a couple episodes of "24" on it
Key 1988 stat: 29 lips chewed
Conversation between Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and pitcher David Palmer on June 21, 1988:

HK: "We're back, and we're talking to today's winning pitcher, David Palmer who held the Cubs to one run over seven innings today. David, thanks for joining us."
DP: "Dad? Is that you?"
HK: "No, David, this is Harry Kalas, the play-by-play announcer. Now, you looked great out there today, and it was perhaps your best start of the season. What was working for you today?"
DP: "It was great, Dad! I got a hit and they hardly got any! Plus, in between innings, Coach let me go in the clubhouse and play 'Space Invaders.'"
HK: "I see. Well, that's just about all the time we have to    "
DP: "Oh, wow, somebody stuck a lime on the end of the microphone. I'm gonna eat it!"
HK (over the sounds of Palmer chewing on the headset): "No, David! Dad says no! OK, we've got to go. See you tomorrow for more Phillies baseball."

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Al Holland, 1985 Fleer Superstar Special

Name: Al Holland
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The same card, cut in half
Key 1984 stat: Zero wooden shoes worn
A piece of the puzzle: For its 1985 set, Fleer added a handful of  Superstar Specials, including this one of "superstar" Al Holland, which is actually supposed to be paired with another card from the set. Can you guess who is on the other card?

(A) Johnny Oates
(B) Joe "Oats" DeMaestri
(C) The Quaker Oats guy
(D) Lee Tunnell
(E) Wait, it actually is Lee Tunnell? Fleer went with a reference to an underground thoroughfare that touches neither Philly nor Pittsburgh instead of a solid Hall and Oates reference? Gee, it's hard to imagine why they eventually went out of business.

Al Holland, 1985 Fleer Superstar Special

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Name: Bud Harrelson
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Shortstop, second base
Value of card: See that "P" on his cap? It stands for "pennies."
Key 1978 stat: An eighth of a mustache
Ten things Bud Harrelson's sunglasses couldn't block out:

10) The laughter of grown men who saw him wearing baby blue
9) The laughter of women who saw him take off that uniform
8) The laughter of children who saw the way he held the bat
7) The laughter of teammates every time he took batting practice
6) The laughter of everyone at his hint of a mustache
5) The laughter of his manager whenever he asked to pinch hit
4) The laughter of fans any time his batting average was shown
3) The laughter of his parents whenever he told them he had a date
2) The laughter of the cashier who sold him those sunglasses
1) The sun

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:

Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)

Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2

Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: First base
Value of card: The paint it took to make that earring
Key 1993 stat: Three colors of hair
Let's check out what's on John Kruk's checklist:

• Wear an octopus under the hat (check)
• Look suspiciously like a feudal Japan-era samurai (check)
• Misapply sunscreen, resulting in four colors of skin (check)
• Resemble the Wolverine, albeit with an extra chin (check)
• Appear on a baseball card that's a true work of art (no check here)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: 70 cents on Amazon (Hurry, only three left in stock!)
Key 2010 stat: Zero (expletives) given about being on a baseball card after retirement
Top 10 things you might not know about this Mike Schmidt card:
10) He had his hair permed for three hours before the shot.
9) That eagle isn't a card accoutrement; Schmidt kept a miniature eagle as a pet.
8) This is hanging in the Louvre.
7) The Phillies dugout featured crisscrossed plywood slats.
6) This is a shot from the original casting session for "Magnum P.I."
5) Until a few days before production, this series was called "Bad-win Champions"
4) That was the Phillies away uniform in 1979.
3) He's holding a contract saying Upper Deck has the right to make him look ridiculous.
2) Upper Deck added "Baseball" to the top-left corner of the card in place of "Orgy."
1) The lower half of his body is in a Jacuzzi.

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: One submarine sandwich
Key 1985 stat: 10, maybe 12 die-hard fans
Let's meet Kent Tekulve's biggest fans:

• That guy sitting way up there in Section 323 in center field, who loves Tekulve's Aviator sunglasses.
• That woman sitting way up there in Section 346 in right field, who raises sidewinder snakes and has fantasies about Tekulve's sidewinder delivery.
• That kid sitting up there in Section 242 in left-center field, who will forever consider Tekulve the standard against which all other tall, gangly athletes will be measured.
• That bullpen catcher sitting down there in center field, who Tekulve once saved in a knife fight in the back of a shady Chinese restaurant after a life-or-death game of backgammon.
• That Topps photographer standing in front of Tekulve, who considers the closer one of the greatest 1980s baseball card subjects of all-time. Of all-time.

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?

A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Jeff Jackson, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Jeff Jackson
Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, "A Different World" cast
Position: Outfield
Value of card: That coin hanging from Jackson's neck
Key 1991 stat: 26 minutes posing in front of a paint crew's truck
Today's fashion model: Here we have Jeff Jackson, who was, obviously, a colorful guy. When Jackson was asked to explain his fashion style, he projectile-vomited after eating a rainbow-color snow cone and everyone agreed he nailed his explanation. When he mistakenly entered the Federal Institute for the Blind, 12 men wearing dark glasses and being led around by service dogs turned to him and said, "That's a hideous shirt." When he walked into a geometry class, the teacher hung Jackson's shirt on the blackboard and said, "Study that." When he stopped to look at a graffiti artist's mural, the wall slunk away in embarrassment. When he tried to buy stereo equipment, the workers asked him to turn down the volume on his shirt. So here's to Jeff Jackson, the brightest guy in the room.

Jeff Jackson, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: Rhymes with "Schmidt"
Key 1987 stat: One all-star hair helmet
Can't beat a classic: Ahh, the 1988 Topps set. In addition to boasting top-notch photography and high standards of quality (*cough*), it's clear that the good people behind '88 Topps also had a creative side. Or maybe they were just color blind. Purple and green as the base colors for the Phillies? Why not? Pink and yellow for the Dodgers? Terrific! Green and orange for the Expos? Sounds great. Red and blue for the Angels? Absolu     oh, wait, that actually is correct. Carry on, then.

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used pair of orange short-shorts (men's, size XXL)
Key 1993 stat: Often distracted
Lenny Dykstra's train of thought at 2:15 p.m., June 22, 1993: "Now that's a great advertisement! I could just stand here and look at it all day. Wait, why is everyone screaming at me? Oh crap, the game started? Fly ball? Where? Oh hell, it's coming right at me!" (Looks up, crumples to the ground, catches ball) "Whew, caught it! Man, that was close. Why did they put such a distracting photo out here, anyway? Oh, hey, look! There are hot wings in it, too!"

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Name: Mitch Williams
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: All the holes in that mesh jersey, combined
Key 1991 stat: Needed to work on his forkball grip
Mitch Williams' train of thought from 12:11 to 12:13 p.m., March 2, 1992: "God, how long is this photo shoot going to take? I've been staring at this baseball for, like, 20 minutes. At this point, I'm more intimate with it than I was with the last girl who got this grip. ... Ugh, why did I go with my tightest headband? The top of my head is numb, and I think the my upper ears are starting to chafe. ... Ah well, at least my hair looks good. No, wait. At least my hair looks great! It's pitched forward farther than I was the last time Kruk and I split a case of Schlitz. ... Thank Christ, he finally got the shot. Ah crap, I can't move my fingers!"

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Braulio Castillo, 1992 Bowman

Name: Braulio Castillo
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Outfielder, suave pirate
Value of card: Two diamonds (silhouetted against the wall in the background)
Key 1991 stat: 172 swordfights won
Well, hello there: This is Braulio Castillo       athlete, sailor, paramour, rapscallion. He was a man who could sail the seven seas and play all nine innings, and he called no man "master." With a gold bracelet on one wrist and a leather-banded watch on the other, this Dominican Don Juan stole as many hearts as he did gold doubloons, and won nights of passion with admirers of all races, creeds and genders. But when he traded in his sword for a baseball bat in 1991, only misfortune followed. A man who had seemingly never missed before found himself hitting just .188 over the course of two MLB seasons. The Dread Braulio, as he was known on the open water, had become the dead Braulio to Phillies fans. So Castillo did what any sane man would do: He packed up his trunk of booty, put on his puffiest white shirt, Soul-Glo'd his hair to its shiniest and returned to his true love       the life of a playboy buccaneer.

Braulio Castillo, 1992 Bowman

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Fleer

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Milk spewed out of a nose during a laughing fit
Key 1987 stat: Twelve epileptic fits
Har, har, har: What is Kent Tekulve snickering about?

A) Everyone who's ever tried to pronounce his surname
B) The knock-knock joke he wrote on the inside of his glove
C) The Phillie Phanatic. That fellow is quite jocular!
D) The fact that he had two teammates named Gross
E) Speaking of gross, the fact that he's about to pull his own finger

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Fleer

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Butler County Farm Level All-Stars
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 15 minutes of detention
Key 1992 stat: Baseball card companies were still using this same background 
One, two, three: Keeping with the notion put forth by Donruss of the triple play, here are three strange things about li'l Dutch:

1. Despite being only 10 years old, Daulton had already been charged with his first of many DUIs.
2. Despite his olive skin, his mom decided it would be a good idea to throw an olive-colored shirt on him for school picture day. GOSH, THANKS, MOM!
3. Despite sporting a peasant's bowl haircut, Daulton is wearing a striped silk cravat, like some sort of French gentleman.

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps

Name: Warren Brusstar
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three gold-star stickers with the sticky worn off
Key 1978 stat: 12 gloves played with (under the covers)
It's time for a late-1970s pop quiz:

In what ways does Warren put the "star" in Brusstar?

(A) His chest hair throws a 92-mph, hard-breaking slider.
(B) His afro never met a hat it couldn't push into orbit.
(C) His blue-eyed, steely stare forced Phillies management to alter the team's uniform colors.
(D) His unbridled anger forced a shoddy blog to rerun a mediocre baseball card of him.
(E) All of the above.

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps