Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Name: Roberto Alomar
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 cent a minute
Key 1993 stat: $321 in overage charges
Conversation between Roberto Alomar and brother Sandy Alomar Jr., circa 1993: "Hey, Sandy, it's me. Yeah, I'm supposed to be out on the field, but I wanted to talk to you about a wireless plan. AT&T is sponsoring me and I have a great deal for you. If you buy a $499.99 phone that only weighs 4 pounds, you get access to my friends-and-family plan. That's right, if you buy the phone that can double as a yacht anchor you only have to pay $11 a minute to talk to me and one other friend or family member. I'd suggest you add Dad. I bought him an older model cellular phone that has a rotary dial and weighs 8 pounds. So can I sign you up? OK, talk to your agent and try to get that bigger contract first before you sign up for this one. Toodles."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 3 cents a minute
Key 1993 stat: $14,921 monthly phone bill
10 things that Cal Ripken Jr. heard on the phone during this conversation:
10) "We've been talking for 30 seconds. Your arm must be getting tired."
9) "Cal, it's your brother Billy. I wrote something about you on my bat's knob."
8) "Hurry up and miss a game already; you're making everybody look bad."
7) "Please enter a credit card number for 15 more minutes of hot, steamy, unadulterated pillow talk."
6) "Did you buy the phone because it matches your hair color, which matches your cold, gray eyes?"
5) "Cal, it's me, Brian. You talk to Gary or Joe?"
4) "This is Mr. T, foo. Gimme back my necklace."
3) "Sir, is your refrigerator running?"
2) "When you're done with this call, just use the phone as a bat."
1) "Hey, Cal. You just answered the toaster."

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Names: Eric Karros, Tommy Lasorda and Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, manager and catcher, respectively
Value of card: The jelly inside one of those donuts
Key 1995 stat: Two L.A. sleazebags living in one house
Conversation between Eric Karros and Mike Piazza around the time this photo was taken:
Mike Piazza: "Hey, Eric. You ever feel like someone is watching you?"
Eric Karros: "Hold on, sweetheart. ... What's that, Mike?"
MP: "I said, Do you ever feel like someone is watching you?"
EK: "Yeah, actually, sometimes I do." (hangs up phone)
MP: "It's weird, ya know. Like, I'm pouring this bowl of fake cereal and I feel like someone is judging me, saying I should be eating Wheaties or something."
EK: "I know what you mean. It's like someone is looking at me, telling me how I should do this, how I should do that."
MP: "It's crazy. It's like someone is saying, 'Hey, Mike, shave that stupid mustache and trim those tacky sideburns.'"
EK: "I can't get over this feeling that someone is managing my minutes. Like, 'Hey, Karros, you moron, hang up that 12-pound phone. It costs $4.50 a minute.'"
MP: "Yeah, 'manage.' That's the right word. I feel like someone, I don't know who, is managing my every move, even here at our perfectly arranged pseudo-breakfast table."
EK: "I feel like someone is telling me to wipe my greasy hair with a towel. Weird."
MP: "Weird for sure. ... Hey, wait a sec. Who ate all those donuts? They disappeared."
EK: "I don't know, Mike. I don't know."

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Cameron
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 cents a minute
Key 1998 stat: 14 jewelry-induced neck strains
Conversation between Mike Cameron and an unknown caller, circa 1999: "Hello. Who's this? I can't hear ya. Speak up, son. Speak up. Ya there? I'm here. In the dugout. Just say something. You're right. I need to talk. I have a Gatorade drinking problem. It's true. I lost my uniform and now I think my manager hates me. I'm so sad. So, so sad. I just want to cry sometimes, ya know? It's like I have this huge weight on my shoulders and I can't lift it off. Oh, it feels so good to talk about it. This necklace I'm wearing? It's not real. I tell everyone it's real, but it's not. I got it for 600 tickets at a Chuck E. Cheese's. Man, I love pizza. Mmm, pizza. But seriously, thanks so much for listening. It means a lot. You're always there for me. Hello? Hello? Wait, why did I answer the radar gun?"

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

Brian Harper, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Name: Brian Harper
Team: Minnesota Twins
Positions: Catcher, on hold
Value of card: 25 cents for the first minute, zero after
Key 1992 stat: $285 monthly mobile phone bill
10 things Brian Harper said while on the phone:
10) "Yeah, it's great. I get reception in like four places around town."
9) "Can I call you back? My arm is soooo tired."
8) "Honey, stop yelling. I'm sorry I used the last garbage bag for a short-sleeve jacket."
7) "Mustaches? Yes, I am interested."
6) "Hold on, Gary, I have Joe on the other line."
5) "It sounds like you're right next door — mowing the lawn underground with your mouth taped."
4) "Yup, I can call anyone, and then I use it as a bat at the plate."
3) "Is that you over there, in the distance? Do you see me, looking like a moron with a giant phone pressed against my head?"
2) "Yes, I play for the Twins. My twin? Zack Morris."
1) "I can't hear you. I just answered the iron."

Brian Harper, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Chad Kreuter, 1999 Upper Deck

Name: Chad Kreuter
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: $2.99 a minute
Key 1998 stat: 23,091 phone calls
Take this job and shove it: Chad Kreuter wasn't very good at baseball. He bounced around the league, platooning behind the plate and rarely hitting above .250. Needing financial stability, Kreuter decided to start working for an, um, adult phone service. At first he took calls in the privacy of his own home, but pretty soon, everyone wanted to have an intimate conversation with "Barry the Backstop." Kreuter began sneaking his cellphone onto the field, taking calls between innings by holding the phone in his mitt and pretending to block the sun or rest his head. The game was soon up, though, after teammates caught Kreuter whispering into his glove that he was wearing only a jock strap, cleats and a smile.

Chad Kreuter, 1999 Upper Deck

Gary Payton, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Gary Payton

Team: Seattle SuperSonics

Position: Point guard

Value of card: 35 cents for five minutes of talk time

Key 1990 stat: 47 minutes on hold

Phone conversation between Gary Payton and his mother on draft day: "Hi, Mom. Yes. (smiling) Yes, mother, I'm wearing Dad's church suit. It itches. I know no one likes a whiner, but Mom, I'm calling to tell you that ... (smile fades) Of course I wore a tie. Why wouldn't I wear a tie? What do you mean I always was a fussy dresser? Mom! (turns away and whispers) I don't want to hear about me running around the house naked after a bath. I'm calling to tell you that I got drafted by ... No, Mother, I'm not calling from a payphone. I know we don't have that kind of money. Of course I watch what I spend. (raises voice) Why do you think I borrowed Dad's suit instead of buying one? (smiling again) But Mom, listen, I just got drafted to play in the NBA. No, Mother, basketball, not rifles. (anger creeps over face) I told you about this. Next year, I'll be making millions of dollars playing in Seattle. What? No Se-att-le. The city. Of course I'll be a good boy. Yes, I'll eat my vegetables. OK, Mom, I have to go. The team is on the other line. What do you mean that's just like me? Sorry. Sorry. Bye."

Gary Payton, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 3)

Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: $1.99 per minute
Key Super Bowl stat: 193 girls chatted with
Dial '0' for Joe: Sure, he's a Super Bowl legend now, but in the early 1980s, Joe Montana was just a kid trying to find his way in the NFL. After going a combined 2-6 in his first eight starts, Montana's confidence was nonexistent. His life changed one night in the summer of 1981 when, while spending another lonely evening in his San Francisco apartment, eating Cheetos and watching "Late Night With David Letterman," a commercial for a chat line called Livelinks came on the tube. Attractive women with denim bikinis and perms giggled their way across the screen, phones glued to their ears. "Call now to talk with sexy, single girls in your area," the ad beckoned. Montana called, all right. From his home, from hotel rooms, from phone booths and even from the field on game days. Coach Bill Walsh was at first dismayed — until his team started winning. A suddenly confident, macho Montana helped the Niners rack up a 13-3 record — and a $13,000 monthly phone bill.

Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)