Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:

Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)

Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2

Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: USA
Position: Honorary captain
Value of card: Air
Key 1992 stat: Zero minutes spent kicking anything
Michael Jordan is seen dunking a soccer ball; here are some other things he did with balls from other sports:

• Jordan kept a tube of tennis balls in his shorts.
• Jordan hit golf balls while dressed like an Australian hobo.
• Jordan spiked volleyballs from about 16 feet in the air.
• Jordan hit 3-pointers with bowling balls when he was in the zone.
• Jordan whiffed at baseballs.

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Names: Chester Marcol, Bobby Howfield
Teams: Green Bay Packers, New York Jets
Position: Kickers, both of 'em
Value of card: Four broken kicking tees
Key 1972 stats: Kicked a lot of field goals, or something
It's time for a special (teams) Matchup:

Round 1: Tiny little itsy-bitsy head (Winner: Marcol)
Round 2: Jersey airbrushed green even though he didn't switch teams (Winner: Marcol)
Round 3: Illuminated by the sweet, bright light of heaven itself (Winner: Howfield)
Round 4: Cultivated sideburns to make up for male-pattern baldness (Winner: Howfield)
Round 5: White-guy 'fro (Winner: Marcol)
Round 6: Could be mistaken for some sort of English gentleman (Winner: Howfield)
Round 7: Could be mistaken for a 12-year-old (Winner: Marcol)
Round 8: Mastered the art of posing in front of a tree (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Marcol 4, Howfield 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: It went down to the wire, but thanks to his boyish charm and needlessly retouched uniform, Chester Marcol split the uprights in this Matchup, sending Bobby Howfield and the Jets to another defeat. (Don't worry, they're used to it.)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Ted Simmons, 1983 Milton Bradley Championship Baseball (Reader Appreciation Week No. 4)

Name: Ted Simmons
Team: Milwaukee Brewers, Team Hot Dog on a Stick
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Ink stains on your new shirt
Key 1982 stat: Won 719 staring contests
Rewriting history: Ted Simmons played for the Milwaukee Brewers in the early 1980s, a team that never, not even once, sported a cap that looked like the one above. Ah, the miracle of airbrushing. However, this particular artist, employed by the nation's premiere board-game maker, didn't stop at the hat. Here are some other ways in which this airbrusher went too far:

• Ted Simmons' jersey had a yellow stripe on the collar, not a red one.
• Ted Simmons' mullet has been mysteriously chopped down to size.
• Only through the magic of airbrushing could Ted Simmons' five-o'clock shadow be removed.
• The real Ted Simmons wore glasses.
• Ted Simmons was actually black.

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Ted Simmons, 1983 Milton Bradley Championship Baseball (Reader Appreciation Week No. 4)

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: St. Louis Lovely Ladies Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1986 stat: One butt chin
A colorful rant: Folks, please put your hands together for the Topps photography and design departments. What we have here is another iconic example of the pre-Photoshop era, when men were men and jerseys were pink — or some such thing. Mike Laga, whose chiseled good looks and million-dollar butt chin make him ideal for the "mugshot" treatment, was traded from the Tigers to the Cardinals in 1986. Apparently, the photo above was either (A) taken during his Tigers days or (B) he was sporting his favorite Morey Boogie hat while striding around spring training shirtless and Topps figured they needed to make Laga appear more ballplayer than surfer dude. We'll take option A, and we'll note that the Topps designers did a pretty impressive job pasting on that red hat. But we have to ask: What in the name of Bob Gibson's gonads is going on with that pink jersey? Well, maybe the designers were infatuated with a certain team in a certain 8-bit Nintendo game called "Baseball Stars."

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Name: Allen Ripley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $12 (don't believe it)
Key 1980 stat: 4-inch distance between camera and face
Let's play a new game: Ripley's Believe It or Not:

• Believe it or not? Ripley once flew away during a game thanks to his hair wings.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was really wearing a Giants hat in this photo; it wasn't a crudely drawn facsimile added during the card production process.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was a close talker, hence the closeness of his face to the camera lens.
• Believe it or not? Ripley's nose was detachable, as evidenced by the creases around his snoz.
• Believe it or not? This card was not one of many abominations in the 1981 Topps set.

Oh, in case you wondering, don't believe any of the garbage above. 

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Name: Wilbur Wood
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three rotten logs
Key 1976 stat: Got two rave reviews from his dentist
Differences between us and Wilbur Wood:

• We wouldn't sign our first name so huge that we then had to cram our last name in at the end. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't eat that piece of cheesecake that's been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stand idly by while Topps airbrushed what appears to be a graduation gown on us. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stare up at the Bust Cup and wonder if it was filled with delicious raspberry syrup. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't let a photographer make our second and third chins the focus of a photo. But Wilbur Wood.

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)

Name: Charle Young
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Zero cents, converted to pesos
Key 1977 stat: Wasn't actually as scary as this photo makes him out to be
Time for a little Q-and-A about this card:
Q: "Carneros"? "AC"? Whaaa?
A: This card is from the 1977 Topps Mexican football set, a set of Spanish-language cards featuring all the 1970s Topps hallmarks      atrocious photography, lots of dudes with afros, and enough airbrushing to fill a style magazine. "Carneros" is Spanish for Rams, and "AC" is short for ala cerrada, which is 28 percent more fun to say than "tight end."
Q: On the card, this guy's name is "Charley," but you dolts have it as "Charle." Are ya stupid or somethin'?
A: Despite all the evidence on this site, we're not complete idiots. In fact, we've got this one right. His name really is Charle; Topps added the Y by mistake. Of course, they'll probably claim that "Charley" is Spanish for Charle, or something.
Q: Why is Charle Young wearing an inflatable rubber suit instead of a football jersey?
A: Look, we know all about rubber suits, and that, my friend, is no rubber suit. That's one of the most frightening instances of airbrushing in the history of sports cards. Mr. Young had been traded from the Eagles to the Rams in early 1977, after Topps had taken all its photos. It was too difficult for the artist (*ahem*) who airbrushed this photo to keep the appearance of a mesh jersey, so instead, old Charle got a solid blue uniform top with two yellow stripes and a childlike "86" drawn on it. (Frankly, this whole idea should have been eighty-sixed.) Thankfully, the artist (*ahem*) chose a different shade of blue for the helmet, making it clear that this photo was doctored, and that Charle does not, in fact, play football while wearing latex.
Q: I have this card. What do you suggest I do with it?
A: Take it to el baño and tirarlo en el inodoro.

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Name: Tom Banks
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Center
Value of card: One voided check from Tom's bank
Key 1977 stat: Four families of birds nested in his beard and mane
The legend behind this Tom Banks card: It was May 1977, and the Topps photography staff was scrambling. With its annual set due out in less than a month, the quality control team had realized there was no card for St. Louis Cardinals all-pro center Tom Banks. Apparently, the only photos Topps had of Banks featured quarterback Jim Hart's hands nestled comfortably against the center's nether regions. Rather than ruin Topps' reputation for high-quality, kid-friendly photography, an executive decision was made: The staff's best airbrush artist melded a photo of Santa Claus' torso with a grainy shot purportedly showing bigfoot's head, and then placed the creation on a slate gray background. Crisis averted      chalk up another victory for Topps.

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Names: Ken Griffey Jr., Bugs Bunny
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Outfield, down a hole
Value of card: 12 rabbit pellets
Key 1991 stat: Zero seats filled in stadium despite image being Photoshopped
It's time for a Looney Tunes edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Worldwide fame (Winner: Bugs)
Round 2: Mustache "whiskers" (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of embarrassing buck teeth (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Righteous blue glove (Winner: Griffey)
Round 5: Shocking sexual innuendo (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cool custom hat (Winner: Bugs)
Round 7: Anatomical correctness (Winner: Griffey)

Score: Griffey 3, Bugs 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The laugh-a-minute cartoon rabbit put up an impressive fight, but, in the end, the turtleneck beat the hare.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Name: Fernando Gonzalez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: 4 inches of yellow
Key 1973 stat: Got to third base, but only on the field
Top 10 reasons why Fernando Gonzalez should cheer up:
10) The Royals weren't nearly as bad in '74 as they are now
9) Lots of guys would kill for a full head of hair like that
8) Delicious Kansas City barbecue
7) Delicious Kansas City humidity
6) He has his health. And his mustache. And his mustache's health.
5) This Kansas City isn't actually in Kansas
4) It's a chance to build the tornado shelter of his dreams
3) The Royals also held spring training in Florida, allowing Fernando to keep wrasslin' gators
2) It's not like the Royals already had a future star of a third baseman
1) Topps only airbrushed his collar. Other players fared much worse.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Stan. Mikita
Team: Team Canada
Position: Giant floating head
Value of card: 19 maple leaves
Key 1972-73 stat: Made all the ladies swoon. All of 'em.
Five bits of information we can glean from this expertly designed hockey card:

1) Stan Mikita was approximately 58 years old at the time of this photo. What's that? He was actually 33? Sweet Jeebus!
2) His head was like Sputnik: spherical, but quite pointy in parts. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
3) He always said his name as though it were two sentences. "Stan." (pause) "Mikita."
4) His hairstyle defied every law of physics known to mankind.
5) The dimple in his right cheek was so deep that it contained, among other things, his wallet, his bicycle and the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Fred Breining, 1985 Topps

Name: Fred Breining
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, stuffed in locker
Value of card: Hard to see any value here
Key 1985 stat: Didn't play a game in the big leagues
More great work, Topps: Here we have Fred Breining, one of the least photogenic people to ever walk the Earth. The 18-pound glasses, the flowing blond-ish mullet, the sense that he can't actually see anything in focus, even with those spectacles. But where Topps really takes the cake here is with Breining's "outfit." You see, the pitcher was with the Expos all of the 1984 season. Sure, he only played in four games due to a shoulder injury, but apparently Topps was unable for more than a year to get a photographer north of the border to get a shot of him, even just standing around. Instead, they bestowed upon us this treasure, showing Breining, clearly in Candlestick Park, with an airbrushed hat and a jacket so heavily doctored it looks like he's wearing a satin sheet as a cloak. That's just great, guys, you should really take pride in this effort. *puking sounds*

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Fred Breining, 1985 Topps

Dave LaPoint, 1988 Topps

Name: Dave LaPoint
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two airbrush strokes
Key 1987 stat: One indefinable letter on his hat
All right, it's time to get to the LaPoint:

• He buttoned his uniform like he was a LaPriest.
• He smiled like he was wearing LaDentures.
• He wore a hat because he rarely got a LaHaircut.
• He bent his hat bill like he was LaHomeless.
• He took portraits inside a LaPrison.
• He was direct in his conversations and always got to LaPoint.

Dave LaPoint, 1988 Topps

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

Name: Paul Gibson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not enough to hold onto it
Key 1989 stat: This card was seen by thousands and thousands of laughing children
Not blurry enough: There are two people in this photo, Paul Gibson and infielder Luis Salazar. Let's see how they fare in The Matchup.

Round 1: Bigger attention-grabber (Winner: Gibson)
Round 2: Bigger grabber of other things (Winner: Salazar)
Round 3: Well-adjusted (Winner: Gibson)
Round 4: About to be even better adjusted (Winner: Salazar)
Round 5: Scratching the surface of his talent (Winner: Gibson)
Round 6: Scratching the surface of his tallywhacker (Winner: Salazar)
Round 7: More sane (Winner: Gibson)
Round 8: Just plain nuts (Winner: Salazar)
Round 9: Poor timing that caused a card company to airbrush out part of his arm (Winner: Salazar)

Final score: Salazar 5, Gibson 4

Synopsis: Poor Paul Gibson. First, he gets mocked for being a giant nerd, now he can't even win a Matchup on his own card, thanks to some utility guy scratching himself at exactly the wrong moment. It doesn't take glasses as thick as Gibson's to see that he just can't win.

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

Dick Shiner, 1969 Topps (Football Friday No. 145)

Name: Dick Shiner (stop it)
Team: Pitts. Steelers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dab of shoe polish on your khakis
Key 1969 stat: Used green-screen technology before that was a thing
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Dick Shiner, circa March 1969:
Topps photog: "OK, sir, what's your position?"
Dick Shiner: "I'm the quarterback."
TP: "OK, great. Now, go ahead and act like you're throwing a pass, and I'll take some pictures."
DS: (Poses as seen above.)
TP: "Um, you said 'quarterback,' right?
DS: "Yes, that's right."
TP: "Hmm, OK, can you try to use your natural throwing stance? This looks a little stiff."
DS: "This is my natural stance."
TP: "Even how you're holding the ball?"
DS: "Yup."
TP: "Ohhhh-kay. Well, that's all I need, then. Oh, wait, I almost forgot to get your name, sir."
DS: "My name's Dick Shiner."
TP: "Excuse me?"
DS: "Dick. Shiner. S-H-I-N-E-R."
TP: "Sir, children collect these cards, so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me your actual name."
DS: (Pulls out driver's license, brusquely hands it to photog.)
TP: "Wow. You sure you wouldn't rather go by 'Richard'?"
DS: "No. People call me Dick, you little punk."
TP: "Right. You know, I'm sure they do."

Dick Shiner, 1969 Topps (Football Friday No. 145)

Joey Cora, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Joey Cora
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: An apple in the road that's been run over twice
Key 1993 stat: At least one time lying down on the job
Here's another Caption, which may have run in a South Side newspaper in 1993: "Photographer Jack Coughlin experiments with his new zoom lens while taking a terrible picture of White Sox second baseman Joey Cora applying a late tag to a baserunner during Tuesday's game. We apologize to our readers."

Joey Cora, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Name: Alvin Kraenzlein
Event: Athletics Track and field
Medal count: 4 gold
Value of card: A spoonful of paste
Key 1900 stat: 41 splinters from hurdles
Closing ceremony: After today, all the medals will have been handed out, all the anthems will have been played, and one thing will remain clear: Michael Phelps sure is one sexy stoner. But some things about the above photo are not so clear. For instance:

• Why does Alvin Kraenzlein have a woman's haircut?
• Why is he running the hurdles in the middle of the Rocky Mountains?
• Is he wearing shorts, pants, or some sort of skin-tight unitard?
• Why is he wearing leather slippers at a track meet?
• Is he the only competitor? Where are the other hurdles?
• How did they have Photoshop in 1900?

Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders

Name: Todd Hundley
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A rusty pair of scissors
Key 1996 stat: Only half his jersey buttons buttoned
Unfortunate moments in card design: It's hard to tell it here, but there's no actual white border to the left of Todd Hundley's face. Yes, the 1997 Fleer Team Leaders cards went beyond Photoshop cutouts      they were actual cutouts. You, too, could rub your fingers along Mr. Hundley's masculine cheeks and eyebrows! So, knowing that, here are a few things we can take away from this about this catcher's mug:

• His face was craggier than Mount Rushmore.
• His 'brows could have used a little work. OK, a lot of work.
• His cheekbones could have sliced through diamonds.
• The left third of his hat was either missing or dead.

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders