Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Trey Beamon
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One-third of a Chuck E. Cheese token
Key 1995 stat: Beat your high score on "Daytona USA"
It's The Caption, which might have (but didn't) run in the Pittsbugh Post-Gazette around 1996: "Pirates rookie Trey Beamon plays a racing game at a local video arcade Tuesday. It was a welcome change of pace for Beamon, who has been playing nothing but 'Punch-Out' at the plate so far this season."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:

• Gilligan
• Frederich Frobel, the inventor of kindergarten
• A promising baseball prospect
• Boyfriend material
• Jim Morrison. No, not that one, this one.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tony Womack
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Second base
Value of card: An ounce of Juicy Juice
Key 1997stat: Four binkies used (not counting his daughter's)
It's a father-daughter Matchup on the Bust:

Round 1: Bigger thirst (Winner: Father)
Round 2: More likely to wet themselves in half an hour (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: More stuffed animals owned (Winner: Daughter)
Round 4: More stuffed animals slept with at night (Winner: Father)
Round 5: Bigger base-stealing threat (Winner: Father)
Round 6: Bigger cookie-stealing threat (Winner: Also father)
Round 7: More likely to make you feel old when you realize she's probably, like, 18 now (Winner: Daughter)

Final score: Tony Womack 4, daughter 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Tony ran laps around his little girl, but that doesn't mean that little munchkin didn't steal our hearts. D'awwww.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Name: John Candelaria
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 ounces of excrement from a pirate's parrot
Key 1976 stat: 276 women seduced with a glance
It's time for a very hairy pop quiz:

Why did the ladies love John Candelaria?

(A) His salon-quality hair put theirs to shame.
(B) He had the penmanship of a 19th-century poet.
(C) That tickling sensation from the wisps of his mini-mustache.
(D) What woman doesn't want a Pirate with a little booty?
(E) All of the above.

John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six used Band-Aids
Key 1987 stat: Zero times maintaining the area between his eyebrows
Is Andy Van Slyke having a medical emergency? Hmm, let's see. One side of his face definitely appears to be drooping, indicating a possible stroke. Or maybe it's just melting? Either way, that's a bad sign. Then, li'l Andy down there at the right may soon be a victim of a second-degree sunburn. Additionally, the mustache on li'l Andy looks like it's just completely fallen off of big Andy's face. We're pretty sure that might require a trip to the ER. So, yes, please call an ambulance before Mr. Van Slyke keels over.

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Enrique Romo, 1981 Fleer

Name: Enrique Romo
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 pounds of compost
Key 1980 stat: 3 months spent as a compost collector
It's time for a disheveled pop quiz:

What does Enrique Romo have a problem with?

(A) Uniforms
(B) Razors and haircuts
(C) One itty-bitty earlobe sticking out
(D) Sub-par baseball cards
(E) Fake pirates
(F) You, punk
(G) All of the above

Enrique Romo, 1981 Fleer

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of the part of a pirate's peg leg that touches the stump
Key 1980 stat: 20 stars on his Little League hat
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Kent Tekulve, center, does a funky chicken dance on the mound while wearing aviator shades, one of the best baseball caps of all time and a uniform that blinded 12 fans who were already blind after throwing a sidearm slurve for the Pirates against the New York Mets at Three Rivers Stadium on a sweltering June day with 98 percent humidity made hotter by Tekulve's school-bus-yellow jersey and pants in Pittsburgh on Wednesday."

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ted Power
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One blown 40-amp fuse
Key 1990 stat: 160 electrical cables taped to walls
Here's what Ted Power stands for:

That mustache is pretty powerful, all right
Electrician      not his nickname, his future career
Despite surname, arm wasn't all that strong

Pittsburgh's most eligible bachelor
Once starred in his own choose-your-own-adventure book
Wears that curly mullet like no one's business
Eyes firmly planted on that tiny ball headed right for him
Really taking his time signing that autograph      you wanna hurry it up, buddy?

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Name: Manny Sanguillen
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A plastic necklace with the number 35 on it
Key 1980 stat: Wore a helmet at all times
Catch this pop quiz: What's Manny "Sangy" Sanguillen doing in the above photo?

(A) Laughing at how much yellow Lee Lacy was wearing, before realizing he'd have to wear the same thing
(B) Yelling at the Topps photographer not to highlight his gaptooth
(C) Yawning after spending another night sleeping in the clubhouse
(D) Singing "Do That to Me One More Time" by The Captain and Tennille
(E) Preparing to catch a ball with his teeth

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

Name: Willie Stargell
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Two of those ironed-on stars on his cap
Key 1980 stat: 16 inches of stirrups
It's time for The Caption, which most likely did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Hall of Famer and Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Willie Stargell (center) sinks under the weight of his massive flip-down sunglasses while wearing a bumblebee Halloween costume featuring a Little League cap, a YMCA-turned-Goodwill wristband and stirrups long enough to serve as a car's timing belt during a game against the Cubs in the laughably cold Windy City weather in April 1980 at Wrigley Field in Chicago on Tuesday or maybe Wednesday."

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

Charlie Hayes, 1996 Upper Deck (Fan Appreciation Week No. 6)

Name: Charlie Hayes
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Third base
Value of card: A roll of film, exposed to sunlight
Key 1995 stat: Traded (again)
Hot corner focus: When he wasn't playing baseball or being traded, Charlie Hayes liked to snap a few photos with his 3-foot telephoto lens. Here are some of the more candid shots he got while with the Pirates.

• Jim Leyland chain smoking
• Carlos Garcia being sewn together from body parts
• Al Martin wearing a leather jersey
• Zane Smith chewing on a clipboard
• Jay Bell dressing like an actual pirate

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Charlie Hayes, 1996 Upper Deck (Fan Appreciation Week No. 6)

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The bounty of a pirate — a poverty-stricken pirate
Key 1981 stat: 12 games played at a drive-in movie theater
It's time for a signature-edition pop quiz:

What's Pascual Perez's excuse for that signature?

(A) He let a 3-year-old fan sign the card.
(B) He didn't use a pen; he used jheri-curl juice.
(C) That's not his signature; it's part of a radical uniform promotion the Pirates employed in 1981.
(D) Like many a Pirate, arrgh, he had scurvy when he signed this card.
(E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Dave Doorneweerd, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Doorneweerd
Team: Augusta Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two chicken legs (like Dave's      not actual food)
Key 1991 stat: One funky last name
Today's fashion model: Here we have Dave Doorneweerd, and while his name may be "weerd" indeed, his taste in clothing is impeccable. Dave appears to pondering the depths of fashion while wearing a multicolored polo shirt that has been through the wash approximately 2,083 times. Sure, it's a little faded now, but when that baby was new, it could be seen from space. Some style experts may say that four colors is too many when it comes to casual wear, but Dave proves that theory wrong. Sadly, this photo fails to show us what, if anything, this young pitcher is wearing below the waist. Whatever it is, you can tell that Mr. Doorneweerd isn't afraid to show a little skin. Keep up the bold choices, Dave, and we're sure the majors will be calling any day now!

Dave Doorneweerd, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Jason Thompson, 1983 Fleer

Name: Jason Thompson
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Arrgh, all the bounty you can pull from Davy Jones' locker (Davy Jones being the poorest sophomore from Peabody High School in Pittsburgh)
Key 1982 stat: One blatant attempt to look like the team mascot
Jason Thompson earned a lot of stars; here's what he earned them for:

• Top row, far left: Star for first sports card featuring CNN logo
• Top row, second from left: Star for best Camaro driver's mullet on team
• Top row, second from right: Star for best kiss-up hat choice for future manager Jim Leyland
• Top row, far right: Star for wispiest mustache in National League
• Bottom row, left: Star for not being a star
• Bottom row, middle: Star for worst star symmetry and alignment on team (and when compared with a typical second-grader)
• Bottom row, right: Star for being the mistaken subject of an interview with a rookie CNN reporter who was tasked with getting to the bottom of a story on a brazen ship robbery conducted by seafaring brigands off the coast of Georgia when the Pirates were in town to play the Braves 

Jason Thompson, 1983 Fleer

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Name: Taylor Buchholz
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It ain't worth a buck-(holz)
Key 2007 stat: 712 games of "shadow"
It's time for another edition of ... What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was aware someone was behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware aware it was the Pirate Parrot mascot behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware someone behind him was touching him inappropriately: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was excited about this photo: 45%
Buchholz was embarrassed by this photo: 65%
Buccholz was reliving a decade's worth of childhood nightmares in this photo: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz's relationship with Pirate Parrot was a bit "rocky": 10%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were "two birds of a feather": 90%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were caught in this compromising position more than once: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card was the best card of Buchholz's career: 100%
This moment was the highlight of Buchholz's career: 100%
This bird was embarrassed to no end to be caught with a pitcher of Buchholz's caliber: 100%

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Jason Bay, 2008 Upper Deck

Name: Jason Bay
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken seashell
Key 2007 stat: Used this photo for his driver's license
Here's what Jason Bay stands for:

Jeez, what is he, 50? Look at those wrinkles!
Arms being held like this for only one reason:
Swamp pits
Or maybe he just doesn't know how to use a bat
None of the other Pirates did that year, after all

Bucs made a lot of headlines in the last decade
And most of them involved trading away their best players
Yes, they traded away Jason Bay, too. (Hi-yo!)

Jason Bay, 2008 Upper Deck

Joe Sondrini, 1992 Bowman

Name: Joe Sondrini
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates (or at least he was on his way there)
Position: Infield
Value of card: See that sign? It's yours. Even trade.
Key 1991 stat: 232 days waiting on the side of a country road for the team to pick him up
It's time for a hitchhiking pop quiz:

If Sondrini, a career minor-leaguer, never made it to Pittsburgh, where did he end up?

(A) At the Jerry Seinfeld School of 1990s Fashion
(B) Back home, a relative disappointment
(C) At the Reebok Pumps factory
(D) Nerd-burgh
(E) Nowhere; he's still waiting along that country road
(F) On a mediocre sports card blog
(G) All of the above

Joe Sondrini, 1992 Bowman

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Name: John Cangelosi
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One baseball card that's been stuffed in an armpit
Key 1988 stat: Better pitcher than hitter
Conversation between Topps photographer and John Cangelosi, Feb. 21, 1989:
Topps photog: "OK, John. Let's take some photos. Now, there's no reason to be worried."
John Cangelosi: "I'm not worried, just nervous. And sometimes when I'm nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them like this!" (Removes hands from pits, inhales deeply)
TP: (Dry-heaves) "Aaaaand we're done here."

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Braulio Castillo, 1992 Bowman

Name: Braulio Castillo
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Outfielder, suave pirate
Value of card: Two diamonds (silhouetted against the wall in the background)
Key 1991 stat: 172 swordfights won
Well, hello there: This is Braulio Castillo       athlete, sailor, paramour, rapscallion. He was a man who could sail the seven seas and play all nine innings, and he called no man "master." With a gold bracelet on one wrist and a leather-banded watch on the other, this Dominican Don Juan stole as many hearts as he did gold doubloons, and won nights of passion with admirers of all races, creeds and genders. But when he traded in his sword for a baseball bat in 1991, only misfortune followed. A man who had seemingly never missed before found himself hitting just .188 over the course of two MLB seasons. The Dread Braulio, as he was known on the open water, had become the dead Braulio to Phillies fans. So Castillo did what any sane man would do: He packed up his trunk of booty, put on his puffiest white shirt, Soul-Glo'd his hair to its shiniest and returned to his true love       the life of a playboy buccaneer.

Braulio Castillo, 1992 Bowman