Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Jason Bay, 2008 Upper Deck

Name: Jason Bay
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken seashell
Key 2007 stat: Used this photo for his driver's license
Here's what Jason Bay stands for:

Jeez, what is he, 50? Look at those wrinkles!
Arms being held like this for only one reason:
Swamp pits
Or maybe he just doesn't know how to use a bat
None of the other Pirates did that year, after all

Bucs made a lot of headlines in the last decade
And most of them involved trading away their best players
Yes, they traded away Jason Bay, too. (Hi-yo!)

Jason Bay, 2008 Upper Deck

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

 

Names: John Denny, Vern Ruhle

Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, Houston Astros

Positions: Pitcher, one and all

Value of cards: What's 2 x 0?

Key 1982 stats: Zero smiles

Happy New Year: Here at the Bust, we don't often highlight two cards in one post, but when those two cards each feature the classic Topps pose known as "The Pit Stain," we figure they must be ripe for a Matchup.

Round 1: Chins (Winner: Denny      2-0, a shutout!)

Round 2: Sleeve length (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 3: Number of letters in name (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Number of first names in name (Winner: Denny)

Round 5: Crater face (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 6: Photo taken at the gates of heaven (Winner: Denny, apparently)

Round 7: Wispy facial hair (Winner: Denny)

Round 8: Ability to close mouth completely (Winner: Denny)

Round 9: Ability to look cool while doing this pose (Winner: Tie      nobody has ever managed this)

Final score: Denny 5, Ruhle 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Denny hits a grand slam (breakfast) and greases the opposition, thanks to his defined jaw line and much-less-defined mustache.

Cards suggested by Tyler Kepner

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

Stojko Vrankovic, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 3)

Name: Stojko Vrankovic
Team: Boston Celtics
Position: Center
Value of card: Half a kuna
Key 1991-92 stat: Two 'pit stains
In the criminal justice system blah blah blah: After two seasons of atrocious play for the Boston Celtics, federal authorities became suspicious of center Stojko Vrankovic. He was brought up on espionage charges, accused of being a Croatian spy. After months of investigation and hundreds of missed free throws, the charges were dropped; however, his legal nightmare wasn't over. Celtics fans then filed a civil lawsuit, accusing Vrankovic of impersonating a professional basketball player. A Boston jury quickly found him liable, forcing him to hand over his paltry salary and banning him from the NBA. He resurfaced a few years later, playing for the Timberwolves and Clippers under the name Vrojko Stankovic. Nobody noticed, however, since those aren't actually NBA teams.

Stojko Vrankovic, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 3)

Jerry Reed, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: In decibels, zero
Key 1988 stat: 3 inches of tongue
It's time for a very loud pop quiz:

What is Jerry Reed yelling?

(A) Arrr!
(B) Arrrgggg!
(C) Arrrgggghhhh!
(D) Arrrgggghhhhaaaarrrrgggghhhh!
(E) All of the above

Jerry Reed, 1989 Upper Deck

Mike Smithson, 1985 Topps

Name: Mike
Sweatson Smithson

Team: Minnesota Twins

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Coupon for one load of laundry at Soap's-for-Dopes in Minneapolis

Key 1984 stat: Three shirts worn, three shirts sweat through

Pit fighter: Mike Smithson played for the Twins, and, fittingly, he always had matching armpit stains. It wasn't the pressure that got to him, it was the heat. Though the Twin Cities area was cold to mild most of the year, Smithson would layer on shirt after shirt until St. Paul felt like the Sahara. Was a red undershirt enough? Not a chance. How about adding a long-sleeved blue shirt? Nope, not profusely sweating yet. How about a Twins T-shirt, instead of a Twins uniform that breathes better? Perfect. Now the pits are sopping wet. So how did a pitcher who perspired so much make it through a game? He mopped up the slop with his 'stache, of course.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mike Smithson, 1985 Topps