Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Name: "Gary Pettis"
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 plucked nose hairs
Key 1984 stat: One stand-in at the photo shoot
It's time for an angelic pop quiz:

What's "Gary Pettis" pointing at?

(A) His sixth-grade classmate.
(B) A handful of teammates making fun of this pose.
(C) Someone else with freakishly huge hands.
(D) He's not pointing; he's using the wrong finger to signal his dissatisfaction with this card.
(E) All of the above.

Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Name: Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace
Value of card: "When I was your age, a pack of baseball cards cost a nickel."
Key 1983 stat: 18 bunions
It's time for a pop quiz from the senior home:

What's Gaylord Perry pointing at?

(A) One of 721 big-league players younger than him.
(B) A photographer who could have worked a bit harder for a better shot.
(C) A producer of "Major League" looking to research the role of Eddie Harris.
(D) Some chump reading a mediocre sports card blog.
(E) All of the above.

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Greg Harris, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Greg Harris
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right-handed pitcher
Value of card: Two sweat-filled Sox
Key 1991 stat: 238 times calling out teammates by pointing
Time for an accusatory pop quiz:

What is Greg Harris saying at this moment?

(A) "No, no, no. You look like an idiot."
(B) "What could you possibly be staring at?"
(C) "Anyone seen my glove?"
(D) "Like my Unabomber impression?"
(E) "Point you, pal. Point you."
(F) "These glasses are so dark I can't see myself in the mirror."
(G) "You making fun of my mustache? No, well all right then."
(H) "You'd take that back if you saw me catch a hard line drive like this."
(I) None of the above.

Greg Harris, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Fleer

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Milk spewed out of a nose during a laughing fit
Key 1987 stat: Twelve epileptic fits
Har, har, har: What is Kent Tekulve snickering about?

A) Everyone who's ever tried to pronounce his surname
B) The knock-knock joke he wrote on the inside of his glove
C) The Phillie Phanatic. That fellow is quite jocular!
D) The fact that he had two teammates named Gross
E) Speaking of gross, the fact that he's about to pull his own finger

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Fleer

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Name: Wayne Fontes
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Two tacos for 99 cents
Key 1990 stat: 14 shades of tan gained
10 magazines Fontes could have been reading:
10) Lowlights for Children
9) Pointing Weekly
8) Glamour (uncontrollable laughter)
7) Better Homes and Drive-Thrus
6) Sweater Illustrated
5) Detroit Living and Ducking Gunfire
4) U.S. News & Hoagie Report
3) Taco Consumers Digest
2) Food & Food
1) Men's Unfitness

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Franco Harris, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 7)

Names: Franco Harris, unnamed child
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, O'Deas Valley Preschool
Positions: Fullback (retired), covered in own spit-up (always)
Value of card: One used Binky
Key 1990 stat: One birth, one beard
It's time for a man-vs.-child version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Childlike look in the eye (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Child's carefree attitude about grooming (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: No resemblance to a modern-day football player (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Tooth under pillow for tooth fairy (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Completely awestruck by a bunch of balloons (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Needs to, ahem, be changed (Winner: Tie)

Score: Harris 0, unnamed child 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: One was an old man, the other a tiny baby, but deep down, these two were more alike than different, which was reinforced by Harris and the unnamed child both wearing white onesies.

Franco Harris, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 7)

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Night sweats
Key 1990 stat: Squatted a lot
Putting the psycho in psychoanalysis: We here at the Bust were never much good at baseball. Some say we're not very good at baseball humor either. (Thanks, Mom.) So we figured we'd try our hand at a new hobby: dream analysis. Here goes nothin'. In this dream, the 5-foot-wide plate represents your chances at succeeding in life. However, Benny Santiago represents all the things preventing you from reaching that success. The fact that he's wearing a mask is symbolic of you not wanting to face your fears. The fact that he's pointing at you through his glove symbolizes that you think you have no place to feel safe. The fact that he's tossing the baseball means that you feel you don't have enough control over your life. And the fact that his crotch is wide open means that maybe you should stop staring at men's crotches, bro. Jeez.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Jim Presley, 1989 Fleer

Name: Jim Presley
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Third base
Value of card: 1 Turkish lira (0.5573 U.S. dollars)
Key 1988 stat: 212 batting tees broken
Let's take a look at Jim Presley's 1989 stats, by the numbers:

.418: Batting average off a batting tee
.018: Batting average without a batting tee
37: Home runs during batting practice off a batting tee before the game
0: Home runs off live pitching without a batting tee during a game
86: Make-believe RBIs when hitting off a batting tee before a game by himself
2: In-game RBIs when hitting off live pitching during a game surrounded by professionals
276: Hits off a batting tee before a game by himself when he's actually in his backyard imagining being on a big-league field surrounded by thousands of screaming, adoring fans
6: Hits off live pitching during games in major-league stadiums over the course of a career that saw few moments of glory marked by screaming, adoring fans

Jim Presley, 1989 Fleer

Ozzie Guillen, 2007 Topps (Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Name: Ozzie (expletive) Guillen
Team: Chicago White (expletive) Sox
Position: Manager, mother(expletive)!
Value of card: Go (expletive) yourself!
Key 2006 stat: Bend over, (expletive), and I'll show you!
Ozzie Guillen's reaction to The Bust after learning he'd be featured on the site (imagine thick accent): "Excuse me? Excuse me! You talkin' about those (expletive) jokers? Those pieces of (expletive)? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That site isn't worth the (expletive) that comes out of my (expletive) after I eat (expletive) Korean (expletive) food out of a (expletive) baby's (expletive)-stained diaper. Look at this (expletive) site. Are you kidding me? Are you (expletive) kidding me? Look at that (expletive) background. Those stupid, soft, untalented, lazy mother(expletives) still haven't updated the site's design? Aren't these wastes of (expletive) space coming up on 900 (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), moronic posts? What a (expletive) joke. I don't want my face on this piece of (expletive). No way. No how. No (expletive) chance in hell. If these (expletive) embarrassments don't have the (expletive) talent or the (expletive) smarts to make their dog(expletive) blog look a bit better after more than two years, (expletive) them and the (expletive) horse they (expletive) rode in on. (Expletive.)"

Ozzie Guillen, 2007 Topps (Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Kirt Manwaring, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Kirt Manwaring
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One point
Key 1991 stat: Constantly frightened
Kirt Manwaring here with a pop quiz:

"OH GOD, WHAT'S THAT?!"

(A) Where? What? Where?
(B) It's first base, Kirt. I know you don't get there very often, but relax.
(C) Chill out, Kirt. It's just Kevin Mitchell's bulge.
(D) Whoa there, big guy. It's only Darren Lewis' fade.
(E) None of the above.

Kirt Manwaring, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

David Ortiz, 2010 Topps When They Were Young (2010 Week, No. 7)

Name: David Ortiz

Team: Boston Red Sox

Positions: Designated hitter, pointing at you

Value of card: One four-pack of cloth diapers

Key 2009 stat: .324 potty training average

Big baby: Players are signed to big-league contracts at a young age in Latin American countries. David "Big Papi" Ortiz was no different. At age 5, when scouts and sports announcers called him "Big Baby," Ortiz was a star on the Santo Domingo Ninos in the Dominican Republic. He could hit a foam ball nearly 7 feet and was adept at chewing the stitches off baseballs. But it was his physique that most impressed scouts. Big Baby already had Big Papi's patented barrel-boiler gut, and his sausage fingers seemed made for gripping a bat. He had attitude, too, as can be seen in the card above, in which he's pointing at the Topps photographer and saying, in Spanish, "I go poo-poo on your camera." His style was legendary even at age 5, when he played in tube socks pulled to his knees, cholo shorts, shirtless, with a diaper fashioned into a jockstrap. His beard would grow a few months later.

David Ortiz, 2010 Topps When They Were Young (2010 Week, No. 7)