Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Kirby Puckett, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two cubes of chalk
Key 1992 stat: Zero bank shots made
A shark with no bite: To be honest, Kirby Puckett's 1992 "Sideline" card should have shown him playing baseball. That's how enthralled he became with billiards that year. In 1992, Kirby purchased The Twin Cues, his favorite downtown Minneapolis pool hall, and spent every free hour he had there. But there was a problem: Kirby was no good. His failure to grasp even basic geometry meant it would take him hours just to run one table. Determined to improve, he'd hit The Twin Cues at 7 in the morning and play for five hours before opening to the public, missing bank shots and scratching on breaks the whole time. He added 30 pounds to his already considerable frame and began wearing foot-thick sweaters. His determination quickly turned into obsession, and he began missing baseball practices on a regular basis. Manager Tom Kelly had had enough. He sent pitcher Rick Aguilera down to the Cues to retrieve the All-Star outfielder. Aguilera, who had a beard-trimming appointment that afternoon, wasted no time, breaking down the pool hall's locked front door and yelling, "Hey, Minnesota Fats, let's play some damn baseball already!" Kirby, unamused, charged the big righty and hit him across the face with his tailor-made cue. Fortunately, Aguilera's beard absorbed most of the blow. Unfazed, he picked up his pudgy teammate, stuffed him in the trunk of his 1992 Buick LeSabre and then burned the Cues to the ground. A shamed Kirby never played pool again.

Kirby Puckett, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Joe Girardi, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Worth its weight in ticks
Key 1992 stat: 381 games of fetch played
A dog's life — and near-death: I know what you're thinking: What's up with Joe Girardi's baggy brown sweater? What you may not have noticed is that there's a fuzzy white dog sitting on Girardi's pool table. This is Nikko, the catcher's beloved bichon frise. Girardi would spend hours tossing billiard balls for Nikko to fetch, feeding him chalk and trying to comb frizzy white hairs out of his garbage-bag-size clothing. Eventually, the Cubs' backstop taught Nikko how to jump on his pool table and do trick shots with his nose. Teammates Paul Assenmacher and Andre "The Hawk" Dawson mocked Girardi for the girly-dog he called friend -- until Nikko schooled them in a game of snooker. But the fun nearly came to an end one night in August 1992. Girardi had arrived home from a nine-day West Coast swing and was eager to get in a game of doggie nine ball. Nikko, however, had taken ill. A frantic Girardi rushed his best friend to the veterinarian, where it was discovered the pooch had somehow swallowed a pool ball. It had moved into the pup's lower intestine, and surgery would likely kill the dog, the doctor said. Forced to choose between putting down Nikko and hoping the object would run its course, Girardi chose life. A sleepless, painful 24 hours later, the bichon frise managed an epic bowel movement. It was the first and only time in Girardi's career that he was happy to be responsible for a passed ball.
Not making this up: On the back of the card, it reads, "Nikko is a great pool player and likes to run around with the laundry."

Joe Girardi, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars