"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

Name: "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
From: Palm Beach, Fla.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: Every card has a price (this one is just really, really low)
Key 1989 stat: Zero real gems or gold on that belt
Some of the things that money, apparently, couldn't buy:

• A tuxedo not made of school supplies
• A proper BeDazzler
• A real championship belt
• A decent hair dye job
• The realization that, these days, a million dollars really isn't that much money, especially if all of an individual's assets are assessed
• Dignity

"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bake McBride
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 baked cookies (stale)
Key 1980 stat: Zero times using an oven
A new inductee: We want to welcome Bake McBride to the Name Hall of Fame. It's quite an honor to be included among the likes of Charles Assmann, Dick Pole and Chet Lemon. Sure, McBride's name isn't an easy dick-and-fart joke and, sure, thousands of kids didn't make their own fun cards by erasing his face and drawing a giant fruit head, but you can't deny the awesomeness of a guy with an afro and a dirty beard who looks baked and is named Bake. This Name Hall of Famer would make a fine McBride for any Assmann out there.

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Rich Batchelor
Team: Fort Lauderdale Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 square inches of tarp
Key 1990 stat: Zero runs allowed during rain delays
Yankees' scouting report on pitching prospect Rich Batchelor: "From our research, he does well in an empty stadium with no other players on the field. ... Despite being a Batchelor, we don't need to worry about him getting sidetracked with the ladies. ... If he doesn't work out, we could deal him to the 'Revenge of the Nerds' production team. ... We can foresee a future on the New York Yankees, as the assistant to the traveling secretary. ... Rich Batchelor, poor pitcher."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Name: Craig Smajstrla
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 ounces of pigeon poop
Key 1989 stat: 11 bunt attempts missed
Houston Astros' scouting report on minor-leaguer Craig Smajstrla: "Some of our players need a math tutor, so this kid might work out. ... This guy's a clutch hitter for the Toros? That's a bunch of bull. ... Four-tool player: calculator, protractor, compass and pocket protector. ... Forget this guy, let's call up that batting helmet. ... Chin is big league, but we'll need to work on the rest of that face. ... Smaj, Smajst, Smajstr — hell, we don't need a player whose name sounds like toothpaste being sucked through a vacuum cleaner."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Name: Scott Pose
Team: Chattanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A box full of nothing but sky (that is, air)
Key 1991 stat: Never convinced anybody of anything
Get your story straight: This Scott Pose card is as confusing as it is worthless. Here are just some of its contradictions:

• The guy's name is Pose, but this is clearly a live-action shot of him crashing into the wall      right?
• He plays for the Lookouts, but he clearly wasn't looking out for his own dignity when agreeing to this shot.
• This photo was purportedly taken in Chattanooga, but, given the exposed wiring and crumbling masonry, that sure looks like the Oakland Coliseum to us.
• The card says he's a "pre-rookie," but we all know that's not actually a thing.

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Champ Summers, 1984 Topps

Name: Champ Summers
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not much, champ
Key 1983 stat: Zero championship belts
Here are some of the things that Champ Summers was the champ of:

• Stick-on mustache competitions
• Magenta mugshot background challenges
• Sleeve abundance contests
• Creepy, staring pose tournaments
• Summers

Champ Summers, 1984 Topps

Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Monday
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield-first base
Value of card: 1,908 cents (wink, wink)
Key 1976 stat: 52 Mondays feeling special
Here's how Rick Monday spent his week:

• Monday: Posing for a baseball card.
• Tuesday: Still smiling, for the 24th straight hour.
• Wednesday: Asking a third-grader for advice on how to improve his penmanship.
• Thursday: Combing his mullet.
• Friday: Still smiling, for the 96th straight hour.
• Saturday: Going back, year by year, in search of a Cubs World Series title.
• Sunday: Counting the minutes to Monday.

Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

John Castino, 1981 Donruss

Name: John Castino
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Third base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 times mistaken for a sickly Arnold Schwarzenegger
It's time for The Caption, which we're pretty sure never ran in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in 1981: "John Castino, above, pretends to be in his batting stance despite being turned the wrong way on the field before a game in Chicago against the White Sox during which his duck face pose frightened 11 children in the stands and sent seven of his teammates into uncontrollable fits of laughter on Tuesday."

John Castino, 1981 Donruss

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Jones
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Deep in the heart of Texas, it's still worthless
Key 1985 stat: 741 times mistaken for one of the other 1,851,091 Bob Joneses
Here's what Bob Jones stands for:

Blacked out, but only because of his shades
Often said to have his head in the clouds
Background looks like a John Denver song

"Jake and the Fatman" was his favorite show
Only rocked American-themed cummerbunds
Neck seems to have a face on it
Exactly the type of player you want playing OF-1B
Sauntered around town in this pose

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 banana peels
Key 1980 stat: 820 days before being traded for Garry Templeton (nice, Padres, nice)
Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" for making magical plays; here are some of his best:

• He dove for a ground ball into the hole, popped up, made the throw to first and realized the infield dirt had turned his uniform the colors of throw-up.
• He sprung into the air to snag a line drive, propelled upward by his magnificent afro.
• He caught a ball that careened off his face, stylishly shaping his sideburns.
• He somehow, beyond all expectations, kept that hat on his head without once falling off for a full game.
• He orchestrated a trade to the Cardinals and won a World Series and made the Hall of Fame.

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Name: Joe Altobelli and the San Francisco Giants
Team: See above
Position: Manager and the team
Value of card: One-quarter of a cent for each player on the card
Key 1978 stat: 22 fights with the Dodgers
Let's take a look at Joe Altobelli and the 1979 Giants by the numbers:

36: Players and coaches in uniform
36: Players and coaches chewing tobacco in this photo
11: Players and coaches who could play at a big-league level
3: Clubhouse guys wearing satin jackets that could sell for $200 each on eBay to San Francisco hipsters
6: Players sitting on boxes filled with homeless people sleeping
1: Player ruining the photo by looking off camera (We're looking at you, front row far right)
1: Player taking lounging to an uncomfortable level (We're looking at you, middle row second from right)
1: Unhappy manager

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: One submarine sandwich
Key 1985 stat: 10, maybe 12 die-hard fans
Let's meet Kent Tekulve's biggest fans:

• That guy sitting way up there in Section 323 in center field, who loves Tekulve's Aviator sunglasses.
• That woman sitting way up there in Section 346 in right field, who raises sidewinder snakes and has fantasies about Tekulve's sidewinder delivery.
• That kid sitting up there in Section 242 in left-center field, who will forever consider Tekulve the standard against which all other tall, gangly athletes will be measured.
• That bullpen catcher sitting down there in center field, who Tekulve once saved in a knife fight in the back of a shady Chinese restaurant after a life-or-death game of backgammon.
• That Topps photographer standing in front of Tekulve, who considers the closer one of the greatest 1980s baseball card subjects of all-time. Of all-time.

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, base stealer
Value of card: The 25 cents Vince Coleman just stole from you
Key 1985 stat: Roughly 1,287 stolen bases
10 horror movie titles for this card in addition to "Terror on the Basepaths":
10) "A Nightmare on Stirrup Street"
9) "The Cardinals Birds"
8) "The Outfielder from the St. Louis Lagoon"
7) "Dr. Coleman and Mr. Smith"
6) "The Phantom of the Arch"
5) "The Missouri Uniform Massacre"
4) "Night of the Living Red"
3) "The Curse of Franken-stache"
2) "Invasion of the Base Snatchers"
1) "The Shining (Teeth)"

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Kermit Alexander, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 190)

Name: Kermit Alexander
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 
Key 1971 stat: Never actually ran like that on the field
Fun facts about Kermit Alexander and Kermit the Frog:

• Kermit the Frog spends much of his day with someone's hand up his backside. Judging by this pose, it looks like Kermit Alexander is hoping for that sort of thing, too.
• Kermit the Frog's skin is made of felt. Kermit Alexander's hair is made of felt.
• Kermit the Frog has starred in several feature films. Kermit Alexander has been featured in several highlights of other stars scoring touchdowns.
• Kermit the Frog is friends with the insatiably hungry Cookie Monster. In 1973, Kermit Alexander was teammates with the insatiably hungry Tom Dempsey.
• Kermit the Frog is in a relationship with Miss Piggy. Kermit Alexander dated a few swine in his day, as well.

Kermit Alexander, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 190)

Ryan Hawblitzel, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Name: Ryan Hawblitzel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Zero (fashion) cents
Key 1991 stat: 221 hours practicing the "thumbs in the jeans pockets" look
Today's fashion model: Here we have Ryan Hawblitzel, an ace when it came to style (and style alone). No one in the big leagues sported minor-league outfits with such pride and pizazz. A collared sweatshirt tucked into jeans? Why not? A player known for his exploits on the diamond wearing a shirt of intersecting diamonds? Of course. A guy who looks like an actor standing in front of a housing development pond and acting like he's the coolest guy in high school? You bet. Don't question fashion maven Ryan Hawblitzel, a minor-leaguer with big-league style.

Ryan Hawblitzel, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Felipe Crespo
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a Mervyns $5 off coupon that expired in 1996
Key 1991 stat: 32 pinstripes (not the Yankees variety)
Today's fashion model: Here we have Felipe Crespo, who, it appears, has been thrown in fashion jail. Why was he thrown in fashion jail? Perhaps it's all those pinstripes, including the one that's plastered across his forehead in the form of eyebrows. Or maybe it's that belt, which he might have borrowed from Crocodile Dundee. Or maybe it's your grandpa's trousers that he's wearing. Nope, we got it: It's all of the above.

Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Doug Linton, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Name: Doug Linton
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two Easter eggs with dead chicks inside
Key 1991 stat: 52 Sundays at church
Today's fashion model: Here we have Doug Linton, a good boy who always listened to his mother when it came to his fashion choices in the early 1990s. Dougie made sure he tucked in his shirt and ironed his khakis every day. On Sundays, he would dress nicely for church, but he saved his best pastel shirt for Easter. Above, we see him after the Easter service and family IHOP brunch, when his parents drove him to the local Sears for the annual springtime shoot. Soon after this photo was taken, lil' Dougie got his reward for being such a good boy: a chance to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap and feel his eggs.

Doug Linton, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Jeff Jackson, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Jeff Jackson
Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, "A Different World" cast
Position: Outfield
Value of card: That coin hanging from Jackson's neck
Key 1991 stat: 26 minutes posing in front of a paint crew's truck
Today's fashion model: Here we have Jeff Jackson, who was, obviously, a colorful guy. When Jackson was asked to explain his fashion style, he projectile-vomited after eating a rainbow-color snow cone and everyone agreed he nailed his explanation. When he mistakenly entered the Federal Institute for the Blind, 12 men wearing dark glasses and being led around by service dogs turned to him and said, "That's a hideous shirt." When he walked into a geometry class, the teacher hung Jackson's shirt on the blackboard and said, "Study that." When he stopped to look at a graffiti artist's mural, the wall slunk away in embarrassment. When he tried to buy stereo equipment, the workers asked him to turn down the volume on his shirt. So here's to Jeff Jackson, the brightest guy in the room.

Jeff Jackson, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)