Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Name: Terry Kinard
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Safety
Value of card: One chicken thigh
Key 1990 stat: Occasionally forgot to dress for practice
Three fun facts about the Houston Oilers and Terry Kinard:

• The Oilers could have used a little more coverage in their secondary. Kinard could have used a little more coverage below the equator.
• The Oilers ran a fast-tempo offense. Kinard liked to dress fast and offend everyone. 
• The Oilers were lured away to Tennessee in the mid-1990s by the promise of a new stadium. Kinard was lured by something a little less expensive in Myrtle Beach.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Name: Donnell Thompson
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Defensive end, giant
Value of card: Helplessness
Key 1990 stat: Judging by this card, he was 8'4", 403 lbs.
It's a Football Friday Caption, which likely didn't run in the Indianapolis Star sometime in 1990: "Packers quarterback Blair Kiel futilely winds up to pass to a target he almost certainly cannot see shortly before having more than half of the bones in his body mercilessly crushed by Colts defender and oversize human Donnell Thompson on Sunday in Green Bay, Wisc."

Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Name: Don Shula
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Coach
Value of card: A pound of neon chalk dust
Key 1990 stat: Mentioned 2,497 times that the '72 Dolphins went undefeated
It's a Football Friday edition of The Caption, which might have appeared in the Miami Herald circa 1990: "Dolphins head coach Don Shula attempts to laugh off being ditched by a group of his players at a Latin nightclub late Friday night in downtown Miami. Shula sat quietly in a corner for two hours, his smile eventually turning to tears, before Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino showed up, carried Shula out of the club in his arms and placed him in the passenger seat of his car."

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Name: Don Beebe
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Prospecting for gold (up your nose)
Key 1989 stat: Didn't fall on head (yet)
It's a Football Friday rant: Oh, bravo, Pro Set. It was so important to get young Don Beebe in your 1989 edition that you had to reach out for a third-party photo, was it? Only, rather than track down a quality picture of the young receiver, you acquired what appears to be a lost image from the Zapruder tape and slapped it on this piece of cardboard. Thankfully, you credited it as a "scouting photo," lest we be concerned that your oh-so-rigorous standards were slipping. Congratulations, gentlemen, your focus on quality is as sharp as ever.

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Name: Buddy Ryan
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One pair of Buddy's used thermal underpants
Key 1990 stat: Dressed like this all year long
A handful of nicknames for the comically cold Buddy Ryan:

• Buddy the Elf
• Kermit the Hog
• The Not-Very-Jolly Green Giant
• The Four-Ton Clover
• Buddy "I Can Barely Touch My Hands Together" Ryan
• The Green Gobbler
• Not Your Buddy, Guy
• The Incredible Bulk

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)

Name: Kerwin Bell, apparently
Team: Orlando Thunder, apparently
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: The towel tucked into Bell's waistband, unwashed
Key 1991 stat: Was paid to dress like this
Avert your eyes and take this pop quiz: What's the least athletic thing on this card?

A) Kerwin Bell's body
B) Kerwin Bell's name
C) Kerwin Bell's uniform
D) Kerwin Bell's mustache
E) The World League of American Football

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)

Bob Murdoch, 1990-91 Pro Set (Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Bob Murdoch
Team: Winnipeg Jets®
Position: National Hockey League Coach
Value of card: $3 coupon off your choice of tie at the Men's Warehouse (expired)
Key 1989-90 stat: Six ice cubes in his gin and tonic
The craft at its best: Photojournalism is about more than just getting the prettiest shot and framing it perfectly — which, for the sake of the photographer responsible for this shot, is a good thing. Photojournalism, at its best, is about catching the moment. It's that second or two when something meaningful happens, when the world changes, when emotions hit a crescendo. This photo, despite being an abomination of style, structure and all-around composition, catches one of those moments. Bob Murdoch, who, despite what this cards says, coached the Winnipeg Jets and not the entire National Hockey League, screams up at the owner's box after being handed a stack of walking papers while on the bench with his team during a game against the Toronto Maple Leafs. Murdoch is furious, but he doesn't have much of an argument to make. In Winnipeg, wins come second behind handsome neck attire, and the blinding bright-red tie that Murdoch sported every game just couldn't compete with the tricolor, candy-striped gem his soon-to-be replacement wore. His replacement who, as you can see, was already positioned right behind Murdoch, waiting for the moment the coach would be handed his walking papers. How do you like that sportcoat, eh?

Bob Murdoch, 1990-91 Pro Set (Hockey Week No. 3)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Set Illustration (Football Friday No. 131)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Getting hit by Lawrence Taylor
Key 1991 stat: Made at least 16 quarterbacks cry
A literal translation of the artwork on this card: Lawrence Taylor, having been covered in flour by coach Bill Parcells who demanded Taylor bake him cookies, stands in front of a large concrete wall while fighting through a stomach cramp caused by eating a bad microwave burrito from the corner 7-Eleven. He must have left his helmet in his car, but he put enough gel in his hair this morning to keep it looking fresh even when he's not.

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Set Illustration (Football Friday No. 131)

Percy Howard, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 125)

Name: Percy Howard
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One really shiny penny
Key career stat: One catch
Making it count: Rookie Cowboys receiver Percy Howard didn't play football in college, but because he was such a tremendous athlete, Dallas took a chance on him anyway, making him their third receiver. Of course, the offense ran only two-receiver sets, so Howard never got the chance to play until a key injury late in Super Bowl X. As seen above, he caught a touchdown pass      the only reception of his college or pro career, as he was seriously injured the following preseason. You may think that's amazing, but here are some other one-time accomplishments Howard notched in his life.

• Saw only one movie, but it was "Citizen Kane" at the Roman Colosseum
• Went to Las Vegas only once, but won $7 million on the slots and got a free drink
• Drove just one car, but it was the Batmobile
• Had adult relations only one time, but it was with all of Charlie's Angels
• Made the Bust only once, but it was on the day you visited the site. And you're our most special visitor ever!

Percy Howard, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 125)

Marv Levy, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 122)

Name: Marv Levy
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Head coach
Value of card: A 30-cent coupon for prune juice
Key 1991 stat: Not done losing Super Bowls
Here's what Marv Levy stands for:

Mildly constipated in this photo
AFC Championship T-shirts clog up his closet
Ready for a night out on the town, thanks to the white, button-down, collared shirt under his jacket
Volume on headset turned up to highest setting

Liver spots by the dozens
Even he can't believe Frank Reich led that comeback
Voiced his displeasure with kids on his lawn more than once
Yet to forgive Scott Norwood      for never returning his Weed Eater

Marv Levy, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 122)

Craig Stadler, 1991 Pro Set (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Name: Craig "The Walrus" Stadler
Team: A man big enough to be his own team
Position: Ball hitter
Value of card: Three walrus whiskers
Key 1990 stat: 43 busted pants buttons
A fitting end to Another Alternative Sports Week: It has been a predictably underwhelming seven days, but we've managed to pick up a few readers who prefer sports that Europeans watch thanks to posts on golf, soccer and the like. So, in the end, we're all winners. (Except for the athletes. To them, our apologies. To the readers: Sorry to you guys, too.)
Fun facts about the Pacific walrus (O. rosmarus divergens) and Craig "The Walrus" Stadler:

• Save for orca and, in some areas, polar bears, the Pacific walrus is at the top of the food chain. Save for galaxy-devouring black holes, and, in some areas, polar bears, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler is at the top of the food chain.
• The whiskers of the Pacific walrus are a highly sensitive organ capable of differentiating among minuscule shapes. The whiskers of Craig "The Walrus" Stadler are a highly sensitive mouth eyebrow capable of storing weeks' worth of food for later consumption.
• The blubber layer below the Pacific walrus' skin is up to 6 inches thick. The blubber layer below Craig "The Walrus" Stadler's skin is, uh, see previous.
• The Pacific walrus spends a majority of its waking hours seeking its preferred meal, the mollusk. Craig "The Walrus" Stadler spends a majority of his waking hours seeking his preferred meal, the meatball hero.
• Partly because of its size and distinctive appearance, the Pacific walrus plays an important role in many Arctic cultures, most notably the Chukchi. Partly because of his size and distinctive appearance, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler plays an important role at many PGA functions, most notably the buffet line.

Craig Stadler, 1991 Pro Set (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set Racing (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Names: Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State
Team: Um, see above
Position: Sunglassed
Value of card: A lot of green (shirts)
Key 1991 stat: A future so bright, yada, yada
Team Quaker State, by the numbers:

0: Humor one of these guys finds in this situation
1: Rockin' mullet on the guy on the left
2: Guys who should have compared what they were going to wear before the race (awkward!)
6: 1-pound sunglass lenses
26: Car number Beers drank, apiece, before this photo
27: Average finishing position in 1991
270: Combined pulls of chew per day
275: Combined pulls of their "stickshifts" per month

Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set Racing (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Curtis Strange, 1991 Pro Set PGA Tour (Another Alternate Sports Week No. 5)

Name: Curtis Strange
Team: Teams are for suckers
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Strangely little
Key 1991 stat: Wore fuchsia
Here's what Curtis Strange stands for:

Clothes make the man ...
Under these circumstances, they make the man less manly.
Really tired of hearing jokes about his last name ...
That's too bad, Curtis, because ...
It's pretty strange for a guy to wear hot pink.
Skytel? Skyler? It's hard to read what's on his sleeve because his shirt has blinded us.

Staring off into the distance is one of the more action-packed things about golf.
That is, unless you're this guy.
Resembles Chevy Chase, vaguely.
And that's fitting, because that shirt belongs in a comedy sketch.
No point in stopping the pink shirt jokes now.
Getting a call from Curtis' wife      hang on.
Eventually, she says, she's going to need her top back (hey-o!).

Curtis Strange, 1991 Pro Set PGA Tour (Another Alternate Sports Week No. 5)

Art Shell, 1991 Pro Set (Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Art Shell
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One Telex watch (maker of knock-off Rolexes and headsets)
Key 1990 stat: 46-pound head
10 names Art Shell ascribed to his stocking cap:
10) My fave-o-wit warmikins
9) The Silver-and-Whack
8) That cap Grandma knitted me
7) That cap Al Davis knitted me
6) The Authentic Telex Headset-Stocking Cap Combo for Today's Head Coach®
5) The knit pick
4) Big Artie's Massive Melon Tuxedo
3) 1990 NFL Head Covering of the Year
2) El snow sombrero
1) Shell's shell

Art Shell, 1991 Pro Set (Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Bag of poop (also the first-place prize in photo contest)
Key 1989 stat: 14 pounds of hand tape
It's an apt time for the return of The Caption: "Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders, above, becomes slightly aroused when Cleveland Browns strong safety Felix Wright starts to slowly undress him on the field while the two erstwhile lovers participate in a "sensual photo" contest Wednesday in Pontiac, Mich."

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Running back, emergency room
Value of card: Three screws extracted from hip
Key 1990 stat: Zero career-ending injuries
Key 1991 stat: One career-ending injury
Key 1992 stat: Zero games played
Ouch: We've shown you hundreds of cards that are so bad they can cause severe pain, but this is the first time a card on The Bust has shown a player suffering a career-ending injury. Sure, we've shown you injured players and a bisected Bo, but this is Bo getting his life bisected by a terrible injury. Imagine if Bo's kids in 1991 picked up a pack of Pro Set cards and saw Daddy's hip shattering? Brutal. What could have been worse? We have a few ideas:

• The 1991 Topps card that showed Bo's wife cheating on him with a 375-pound lineman.
• The 1992 Pro Set card that showed Bo sitting on his couch with his leg in a cast.
• The 1991 Score card that showed Bo's golden retriever getting hit by a car.
• A ridiculous 1991 card that compared Bo to a certain rascally TV character.
• The 1992 Pro Line Portrait card that showed Bo's kids thumbing through a pack that contained all the above cards, including the one that pictured their dad's football career being cut short by a gruesome hip injury.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Name: Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: 2 cents

Key 1989 stat: Two fingers raised at all times

10 things Montana could have been yelling when this photo was taken:

10) "Let's go! I got my hand between two gluteal folds over here!"

9) "How many wristbands am I wearing? How many?"

8) "Hey, what's my jersey number minus 14? C'mon. Goddamn defensive linemen!"

7) "This many times with your sister, Jerry! This many times with your sister!"

6) "And we will go forth and conquer! V for valor! V for vigor! V for victory!"

5) "Whoa, bro. Peace, man!"

4) "Twice you put Icy Hot on my jockstrap! Twice!"

3) "No, no no! I said it stands for what your wife showed me!"

2) "Two hearts, believing in just one mind!"

1) "Utah! Get Montana two!"

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Dr. Dre, Ed Lover, 1991 ProSet MusiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Names: Dr. Dre, Ed Lover
Team: Team Yo! MTV Raps
Positions: Players
Value of card: One torn strand of tinsel
Key 1990 stat: One badass turntable
Clearing up some rumors about these two rap maestros:

• They didn't play a sport, but they did play The Game.
• While they may have hated The Game, they never hated the player.
• Ed Lover is, in fact, wearing a Lakers Santa cap. This is unrelated, however, to the "special delivery" Kobe Bryant made in a Colorado hotel room in 2003.
• Dr. Dre is, in fact, wearing a shirt that says "SKIDZ" on it. It remains unclear, however, whether there were SKIDZ in his shorts.
• The animal prints on the top and bottom borders of this card are not from actual animals. Unless Zubaz is an animal.
• Ed Lover is actually holding a basketball. It was Ice Cube, however, who last week messed around and got a triple-double.
• MTV did, in fact, used to play music videos.

Dr. Dre, Ed Lover, 1991 ProSet MusiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Don Beebe, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 62)

Name: Don Beebe

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: Two BBs

Key 1989 stat: One bounce-back (see below)

It's time for another pop quiz:

What happened approximately two seconds after this photo was taken?

(A) Beebe landed on his knees and was ruled down.

(B) Beebe landed on his feet and ran out of bounds.

(C) Beebe and Browns safety Felix Wright fell to the ground in a heap.

(D) Beebe stripped off his uniform and ran around the field naked.

(E) Excruciating neck pain: click here.

Don Beebe, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 62)

George Seifert, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 45)

Name: George Seifert
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Coach
Value of card: Half a Geritol capsule
Key 1989 stat: One full-body cast
Bad, bad decisions: Fed up after star quarterback Joe Montana threw his eighth interception of the 1989 season, head coach George Seifert knew he could turn to only one man. No, not future hall-of-famer Steve Young. The only man George Seifert could trust was George Seifert. On the team's next possession, the coach told both of his QBs to ride the pine and strutted out onto the field in his windbreaker to lead the offense. A calm, confident Seifert called a play for his bewildered offense, took the snap from center, dropped back, and was promptly crushed by three Atlanta defenders. Seifert watched the rest of the season from the sideline, where he made Young use a wire to scratch under his full-body cast.

George Seifert, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 45)