Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero new ideas
Key 1990 stat: 13 RBI
We've been here before: In 1991, Upper Deck was still a new brand, full of fresh ideas and energy. That was, until this card got produced. Oh, gee, Mickey Hatcher with a giant glove. How original! Why not go all out and get Glenn Hubbard to pose with a python, ask Jay Johnstone to put on his umbrella hat, and get Jose Canseco to take his shirt off? Yep, this was the moment Upper Deck moved to the cheap seats.

Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Name: Ed Kranepool
Team: New York Mets
Position: First base
Value of card: One lobster dinner, left in the sun for 11 hours
Key 1974 stat: 14 times dined and dashed
Pop quiz, alfresco: What's the strangest thing about Ed Kranepool's dinner, pictured above?

A) That it appears to come with a side of French toast and a bagel
B) Iced tea with lobster? What is this, amateur hour?
C) That it's taking place at second base, when the card clearly says he plays first
D) What, no melted butter?
E) That he's tearing apart that lobster with hands the size of George "The Animal" Steele's

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, handyman
Value of card: A scratch from a rusty nail
Key 1992 stat: One bearded sidekick
Tool time: In the fall of 1991, Roger McDowell fell in love. But his love was not for a woman; it was for new ABC sitcom "Home Improvement." McDowell was so enamored with the antics of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, as played by actor and ex-convict Tim Allen, that the next spring, he came out of the dugout carrying sandpaper, wearing a tool belt and communicating with those around him solely through a series of grunts. Teammates and umpires thought it was strange (the tools, not the grunting      that was nothing new), but since it was an exhibition, McDowell was allowed to keep the belt on. Things got ugly in the sixth when McDowell refused to let reliever Steve Wilson take over for him on the mound unless Wilson covered the lower half of his face with his glove. Wilson, who hadn't seen the sitcom, responded by trying to strangle McDowell with his own tape measure. When McDowell tried to explain that he was The Tool Man, Wilson told him, "Yeah, you're a tool, all right."

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Wade Boggs, 1986 Classic

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Third base
Value of card: 11 bare bones from already eaten chicken wings
Key 1985 stats: 64 Miller Lites drank on a cross-country flight
Wade Boggs, apparently, was a prop comic. Here are some of his "jokes":

• Carry around a rubber chicken; swing it like a baseball bat at underhand pitches. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Set up a bunch of watermelons; smash them with a baseball bat all over the crowd. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Put on a batting helmet, a batting helmet with an "arrow" through it. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Take a seat on the dugout bench after striking out; sit on a whoopee cushion. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Insert a big pinch of chewing tobacco — in front of chattering teeth. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Slowly move across the diamond with an extended collar and leash; say you're walking an invisible rubber chicken. Drink a Miller Lite. 

Wade Boggs, 1986 Classic

Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, 1993 Diamond Sports

Names: Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire
Teams: Oakland A's, Blues Bash Brothers
Positions: Outfield, first base, posers
Value of card: Definitely less than 10 cents
Key 1992 stat: One stolen police car
Top 10 most absurd things about this card (and believe us, there are more than 10):
10) Mark McGwire is no Blues Brother. The only situation in which he dances well is around the truth.
9) There's enough yellow on this card to blind an eagle.
8) Honestly, what the hell is it with those gigantic bats?
7) Half of the police car's tire has been Photoshopped out.
6) This is the only time in his life that Jose Canseco has worn a jacket AND a shirt.
5) These two are in fact on a mission from God. That mission is to inject themselves with enough steroids to kill a rhinoceros.
4) McGwire loves country music, but is indifferent to Western. Canseco only likes yacht rock.
3) Even though it says this is the March edition of Diamond Sports, everyone knows it came out in April.
2) Neither Canseco nor McGwire could hold John Belushi's jock.
1) Both of these guys actually like Illinois Nazis.

Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, 1993 Diamond Sports

Jerrol Williams, 1993 Pro Set Power Moves (NFL Draft Weekend No. 4)

Name: Jerrol Williams
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers, maybe

Position: Practice squad linebacker

Value of card: Number of jersey holes - jersey number - Jersey turnpikes = 0

Key 1992 stat: Zero "power moves"

It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Jerrol Williams dressed like this?

(A) He's getting ready for the Miners-Tigers preseason high school football game.

(B) He just robbed a bank in a bad 1990s action movie.

(C) He's on his way back from a Chippendales event, at which he was known as "The Sack Machine."

(D) He's blind.

(E) All of the above

Jerrol Williams, 1993 Pro Set Power Moves (NFL Draft Weekend No. 4)

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Four splinters
Key 1992 stat: 14,830 times having mind wander off
Randy Johnson's thoughts from 3:17 p.m. to 3:18 p.m. on Oct. 17, 1992: "This is so stupid. Why would the ball get stuck in the bat? Whatever. Just try to keep your mouth closed this time, Randy. Heh, Randy. My name is Randy Johnson. Heh, heh. The Big Unit is Randy. Ha! That's funny. Remember that time Buhner gave both the Griffeys a hot foot at the same time? Junior cried like a little girl for, like, two hours! 'Oh, I have sensitive feet!' Ha! What a wuss. I bet I could break his bat like this. I wonder what else I could break with my fastball. Bricks, like those karate guys do? Maybe diamonds! Ooh, I wonder what would happen if I hit a bird..."

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps

Name: Kirby Puckett

Team: Minnesota (Tiny) Twins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A small amount

Key 1992 stat: 42 inches tall

Walk small, but carry a normal-size stick: The Bust knows what you're thinking: There goes that silly Kirby Puckett again, playing around with a gigantic bat, trying to get a laugh. Well, you'd be mistaken, dear reader. In the summer of 1992, manager Tom Kelly told Kirby that his .329 average, though good, wasn't enough to support the Twins in their push for the playoffs. Kelly advised the 5-foot-8 outfielder to take more walks. But Kirby liked to swing at anything near the strike zone, and he told Kelly in no uncertain terms that he would continue to do so. Trainer Sammy Conte witnessed the altercation, and intervened. He told Kirby about a new performance-enhancing drug, Diminitol, that was undetectable and could help Kirby get on base more. Kirby started using the drug, and by the dog days of summer in 1992, he had shrunk to the size of a wombat. Kirby indeed drew more walks, but he had trouble getting the bat off his shoulder.

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps

Jose Canseco, 1986 Star

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Jose
Value of card: One off-center photo
Key 1985 stat: Top-ranked Jose in American League
That's entertainment: Before the days of sausage races, dancing chickens and "Kiss Cams," baseball fans were often left to amuse themselves. But in 1985, the lucky followers of the Oakland A's looked forward to the third-inning stretch, when young star Jose Canseco would challenge the opposing team's best player to several feats of strength — a contest that came to be known as The Jose. Here during a spring training game, Canseco and Giants slugger Will Clark prepare to place their heads together over the Bat of Fortitude, spin around 20 times and see who can run the bases fastest. Other contests included seeing who could take the most pitching machine balls to the torso, ballboy tossing, a chicken wing eating contest, power lifting the opposing manager and shirtless home run derby. Canseco ended the season with an 80-1 record (home games only), with his only loss coming to Dave Winfield, who won The Jose 4-3 after pinning a bear during a bout of Grizzly-Roman wrestling.

Jose Canseco, 1986 Star