Bobby Abreu, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Bob Abreu
Team: Jackson Generals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One star, at best
Key 1994 stat: Out at third
Houston Astros 1995 scouting report on prospect Bob Abreu: "He may be a General, but he keeps showing off his privates. It's really inappropriate. ... Can't seem to match up his wristbands. He may be colorblind. ... Insists that he was the sixth member of Menudo. ... His no-look slides could use some work. ... Has a disquieting knowledge of Motel 6 locations. ... An excellent combination of power and speed. Wait, no, that's my review of the new Chevy Camaro. ... Still trying to find out his middle name, but it must start with a 'B,' because he keeps insisting that we call him 'Bob B.'"

Bobby Abreu, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Third base
Value of card: A soiled towel
Key 1992 stat: Never stopped smiling
Dmitri Young gets the Weird Al treatment, to the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy":
Here's a little song 'bout a bloke
If you watch him play, you'll need a smoke
Don't worry; be happy 
Warning track power caused him trouble 
What should have been homers were just doubles 
Don't worry; be happy
Ain't got no place but on the bench
Fans say his play gives off a stench 
Don't worry; be happy 
The manager say your swing is late 
You, for assignment, he might designate
Don't worry; be happy
No, don't worry; be happy now...

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Ben Grieve, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Ben Grieve
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Its prospects aren't good
Key 1993 stats: Four times levitating; zero injury-free landings
Teen magazine Tiger Beat's scouting report of Oakland A's draft pick Ben Grieve: "This dreamboat is a five-tool player: Perfect smile, piercing blue eyes, baby soft skin, strong muscles and a cute little butt. ... His name is Grieve, but girls in the Bay Area won't have to do that until this hunk gets married. ... He even manages to make green mesh look good. Just imagine what it looks like when he's not wearing a T-shirt under it! ... Some might call his adorable ears big, but we're pretty sure that just means he's a good listener. ... Let's face it: It would be worth ducking bullets in Oakland just for a chance to meet this sweetheart!"

Ben Grieve, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Todd Van Poppel, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 32)

Name: Todd Van Poppel
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An IOU for 25 cents
Key 1990 stat: Appeared on hundreds of thousands of worthless baseball cards
Remember this guy? How can a site that calls itself the Bust not have a Todd Van Poppel card yet? Consider that oversight fixed. Van Poppel certainly isn't the biggest failed prospect ever, not with the likes of Steve Chilcott in the history books, but he sure was a memorable one. Van Poppel was the Next Big Thing at the same time baseball cards were surging in popularity. This made for a lot of sweaty fat guys kids going crazy at trade shows and shops, trying to land rookie cards of this can't-miss ace. Look at him here, the confident expression, the firm grip on the ball, the bowl cut lurking beneath the hat. We even saw him one year in spring training, and while we didn't join the sweaty fat guys fans hounding him for his autograph, we certainly knew he was going to be a big star some day — never mind that he had just given up six runs in three innings. Here's to you, Todd Van Poppel, for putting the bust in Baseball Card Bust.

Todd Van Poppel, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 32)

Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo, 1992 Topps Top Prospects

Names: Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Oakland A's, San Diego Padres, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Third base, one and all
Value of card: One halfway decent big leaguer
Key 1991 stats: Zero fantasy baseball callups
It's a minor-league Matchup:

Round 1: Actual major league career in future (Winner: Paquette)
Round 2: "Prospect" who appears to be 40 years old (Winner: Redington)
Round 3: "Prospect" who appears to have been created in "MLB The Show" (Winner: Russo)
Round 4: Bushiest eyebrows (Winner: Redington)
Round 5: Insisted on having photo taken on a moonless night (Winner: Bolick)
Round 6: Emotionless eyes (Winner: Russo)
Round 7: Shiniest skin (Winner: Russo)
Round 8: In need of a better batting stance (Winner: Paquette)
Round 9: Short enough to fit in the upper left, under the logo (Winner: Bolick)

Final score: Russo 3, Paquette 2, Bolick 2, Redington 2

Synopsis: Redington jumped out to an early lead, but his advanced age hurt him down the stretch. Instead, Russo notches the victory, and even though he appears to have been designed by EA Sports, keep in mind that video games in 1992 looked like this. So, there.

Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo, 1992 Topps Top Prospects