Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 19)

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A stained child's sweater
Key 1990 stat: One tiny strike zone
Last to know it's raining: We all know Kirby Puckett was short, but how short was he really?

• He was so short, he could play handball off second base.
• He was so short, his cleats had lifts.
• He was so short, he broke his leg jumping off the toilet.
• He was so short, he had to reach up to tie his shoes.
• He was so short, he used a ladder to get out of the dugout.
• Kirby Puckett was so short, he posed for his own trophies. 

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 19)

Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson, 1990 Fleer Human Dynamos

Names: Kirby Puckett, Bo Jackson

Teams: Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals

Positions: Outfield, outfield

Value of card: $2 (check that) 2 cents (check that) Two dust bunnies

Key 1989 stat: One legendary athlete; one Kirby Puckett

Fun Facts about Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson:

• Bo Jackson played baseball and football. Kirby Puckett played baseball and with himself.
• Bo Jackson is a "human dynamo." Kirby Puckett is a human.
• Bo Jackson had many roles in sports. Kirby Puckett had many rolls on his neck.
• Bo Jackson was known for his records. Kirby Puckett was known for his record.
• Bo Jackson wrote one book. Kirby Puckett was booked more than once.
• Bo Jackson made spectacular grabs and catches. Kirby Puckett grabbed and was caught.
• Bo Jackson played for the Raiders. Kirby Puckett was also a criminal.

Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson, 1990 Fleer Human Dynamos

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Kirby Puckett

Team: Minnesota Twins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 14 needle pricks

Key 1990 stat: One embarrassing tattoo

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that on Kirby Puckett's arm?

(A) A tattoo of his ridiculous puppy-dog name, "Kirby."

(B) The scrawling of a blind 6-year-old.

(C) An excuse to have a teammate roll up his sleeves.

(D) "It's a bulging biceps," Puckett tells photographer.

(E) All of the above.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Upper Deck

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps

Name: Kirby Puckett

Team: Minnesota (Tiny) Twins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A small amount

Key 1992 stat: 42 inches tall

Walk small, but carry a normal-size stick: The Bust knows what you're thinking: There goes that silly Kirby Puckett again, playing around with a gigantic bat, trying to get a laugh. Well, you'd be mistaken, dear reader. In the summer of 1992, manager Tom Kelly told Kirby that his .329 average, though good, wasn't enough to support the Twins in their push for the playoffs. Kelly advised the 5-foot-8 outfielder to take more walks. But Kirby liked to swing at anything near the strike zone, and he told Kelly in no uncertain terms that he would continue to do so. Trainer Sammy Conte witnessed the altercation, and intervened. He told Kirby about a new performance-enhancing drug, Diminitol, that was undetectable and could help Kirby get on base more. Kirby started using the drug, and by the dog days of summer in 1992, he had shrunk to the size of a wombat. Kirby indeed drew more walks, but he had trouble getting the bat off his shoulder.

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps

Kirby Puckett, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two cubes of chalk
Key 1992 stat: Zero bank shots made
A shark with no bite: To be honest, Kirby Puckett's 1992 "Sideline" card should have shown him playing baseball. That's how enthralled he became with billiards that year. In 1992, Kirby purchased The Twin Cues, his favorite downtown Minneapolis pool hall, and spent every free hour he had there. But there was a problem: Kirby was no good. His failure to grasp even basic geometry meant it would take him hours just to run one table. Determined to improve, he'd hit The Twin Cues at 7 in the morning and play for five hours before opening to the public, missing bank shots and scratching on breaks the whole time. He added 30 pounds to his already considerable frame and began wearing foot-thick sweaters. His determination quickly turned into obsession, and he began missing baseball practices on a regular basis. Manager Tom Kelly had had enough. He sent pitcher Rick Aguilera down to the Cues to retrieve the All-Star outfielder. Aguilera, who had a beard-trimming appointment that afternoon, wasted no time, breaking down the pool hall's locked front door and yelling, "Hey, Minnesota Fats, let's play some damn baseball already!" Kirby, unamused, charged the big righty and hit him across the face with his tailor-made cue. Fortunately, Aguilera's beard absorbed most of the blow. Unfazed, he picked up his pudgy teammate, stuffed him in the trunk of his 1992 Buick LeSabre and then burned the Cues to the ground. A shamed Kirby never played pool again.

Kirby Puckett, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines