Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Name: Pat Swilling
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Bark
Key 1992 stat: 27 trees hid under during lightning storms
This quiz is swill: How come Pat Swilling's relaxing half-naked under an oak tree?

A) You got a better idea on how to spend a Tuesday?
B) Waiting for you, sweetheart. Just waiting for you.
C) He's getting back to his roots.
D) He's trying to sneak a peek up Kosar's shorts.
E) All of the above.

Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Name: Dale Carter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: A soggy receipt from Taco Bell
Key 1992 stat: 1,503 gallons of water wasted
First towel off, then take this pop quiz: What the heck is Dale Carter doing?

A) Practicing waterboarding so he can work for the CIA after his football days are over
B) Always shy of showering in the locker room, this is how Dale bathed at Arrowhead
C) Washing out his eyes after a particularly bad rookie hazing stunt
D) Having a drinking problem
E) All of the above

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Name: Anders Hedberg
Team: Winnipeg Jets
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One boarding pass from 2012
Key 1977-78 stat: Gave everyone the willies
Fill your intermission with this pop quiz: Who didn't Anders Hedberg frighten with his "smile"?

A) His own mother
B) Satan
C) Charles Manson
D) Thomas Lewis
E) None of the above      everybody was creeped out by Anders Hedberg

Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Name: Jay Bell
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four broken golf tees 
Key 1997 stat: Zero idea how to play golf
At the sound of the bell, please answer this pop quiz: What's Jay Bell up to here?

A) Getting ready to move to golf-friendly Arizona
B) Going from a former greenskeeper to a Masters champion
C) Playing golf with a base and a baseball. Duh.
D) Working on his putts
E) All of the above

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Names: Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez (feat. Randy Johnson)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles and Seattle Mariners
Positions: Shortstops, future third basemen 
Value of card: General confusion
Key 1995 stat: Zero comic books owned, combined
An illustrative pop quiz: We already know that Cal Ripken's superhero alias is The Ripper. What would A-Rod's be?

(A) The Needler
(B) Mr. April
(C) The Slapper
(D) The Disappointment
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Name: John Candelaria
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 ounces of excrement from a pirate's parrot
Key 1976 stat: 276 women seduced with a glance
It's time for a very hairy pop quiz:

Why did the ladies love John Candelaria?

(A) His salon-quality hair put theirs to shame.
(B) He had the penmanship of a 19th-century poet.
(C) That tickling sensation from the wisps of his mini-mustache.
(D) What woman doesn't want a Pirate with a little booty?
(E) All of the above.

John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 rolls of gauze
Key 1989 stat: 18 injuries
It's time for an injury-plagued pop quiz:

What were Dave Dravecky's other injuries?

(A) Cuts from the sharpness of his own hair helmet.
(B) Groin fatigue.
(C) Neck rash from turtleneck overuse.
(D) Face froze that way.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tom Goodwin
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blades of grass
Key 2000 stat: 14 fly balls missed in the sun
It's time for a reflective pop quiz:

What's that reflected in Tom Goodwin's sunglasses?

(A) Teammates visibly ridiculing Goodwin for his oversize sunglasses.
(B) His optometrist.
(C) Oakley's entire marketing department.
(D) A sports card photographer taking the worst shot of his career.
(E) All of the above.

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Name: Dave Engle
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1983 stat: 1,975 mischievous looks
It's time for a Twin Cities pop quiz:

Why does Dave Engle look so mischievous?

(A) He just filled his teammates' Gatorade bottles with chew spit.
(B) He just mixed Bengay in the sunflower seed stash.
(C) He just put a piece of chewed gum with a bubble on a teammate's hat — and then told his wife he'd cheated on her.
(D) He just got pictured on a baseball card despite barely being a baseball player.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Name: Christian Okoye
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One red cent
Key 1991 stat: Drank 25 cases of Killian's Irish Red
Time for a pop quiz about the Nigerian Nightmare: So, what's with all the red?

A) Okoye's apartment was directly across the street from a Kenny Rogers Roasters.
B) That's just Okoye's darkroom. He was really into photography     of his biceps.
C) Due to poor contract negotiations, Okoye was forced to work in Amsterdam's Red Light District during the offseason.
D) Okoye's contract was fine      he just dug working in the Red Light District.
E) None of the above.

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Name: Pete Gogolak
Team: New York Giants
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 9 ounces of pond scum
Key 1970 stat: 17 field goals by that little dude in the corner
It's time for a pop quiz that's a kick:

Just what in the hell is a "Gogolak"?

(A) A lack of go-go.
(B) A caucasian kicker with a Hollywood smile.
(C) A hairdo you might not want to show off in public.
(D) A tiny, illustrated football player with no face mask and a bad attitude.
(E) None of the above.

Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 used hair curlers
Key 1981 stat: 185 hours spent in the salon
It's time for a hair-raising pop quiz:

What was the name for John Henry Johnson's hairdo?

(A) The Short-and-Curlies
(B) Curly Sue 'Do
(C) The Moe, Larry and John Henry
(D) Firm Perm That Will Make You Squirm
(E) All of the above

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Name: Johnny Wockenfuss
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, first base, outfield
Value of card: Not enough to make a fuss about
Key 1985 stat: One run
Spruce up your vocabulary: What is the etymology of the word "Wockenfuss"?

(A) It's a German term for a face that has been misshapen by a catcher's mask.
(B) It's from the Dutch for a Just for Men Mustache & Beard model.
(C) It's an Albanian word that describes someone who can pound an entire case of Spam.
(D) It's Philly slang for a washed-up ballplayer.
(E) All of the above.

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Mark Chmura, 1998 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 217)

Name: Mark Chmura
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Sorry, it went up in smoke
Key 1998 stat: More forearm hair than an orangutan
It's a pop quiz on the frozen tundra: What the heck did Mark Chmura eat?

(A) Dry ice
(B) A bushel of bhut jolokias
(C) One of those foam cheeseheads, covered in Tabasco
(D) The vowel that's supposed to be the third letter of his surname
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mark Chmura, 1998 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 217)

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1997 stat: 72 hours spent fake stretching
It's time for a "Prime Time" pop quiz:

What's the biggest stretch on this card?

(A) Those shades.
(B) Deion's attempt at a pregame work ethic.
(C) Deion as a baseball player.
(D) That dude in the back right clearly doing whatever he can to make a mockery of this card.
(E) All of the above.

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Name: Virgil
From: Pittsburgh, Pa.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: One sleeve
Key 1990 stat: Biceps twice as big as head
Down for the count: The Bust is primarily a bad baseball card site (and a site for bad baseball cards), but we have occasionally featured other sports. Soccer, hockey, tennis and even rowing have made appearances over the years. So has wrestling      just not the kind that offers monthly pay-per-view specials for $44.95. This week, we're righting that wrong and digging up some of the finest superstars the then-WWF had to offer in 1990. Good God almighty!

It's a pop quiz smackdown: Which of these descriptions best fits the man on the above card?

(A) Virgil was a Chippendale dancer who never heeded management's advice that he should shave his arms.
(B) Virgil was an ancient Roman poet whose greatest works included the epic "Aeneid."
(C) Virgil served as a bodyguard for Ted "The Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, and was later known as Vincent and, somehow, Curly Bill.
(D) Virgil is the loneliest man on the Internet.
(E) All of the above.

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Gary Clark, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 58)

Name: Gary Clark
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A reflection of a nickel
Key 1992 stat: Two floating heads
A shameful pop quiz: What is Gary Clark thinking about?

A) That Lionel Richie song
B) What he and his identical twin did to end up in jail
C) Touchdowns, baby. Touchdowns.
D) Why John Riggins won't stop wearing that racist headdress
E) All of the above

Gary Clark, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 58)