Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape of the "Top Gun" soundtrack
Key 1986 stat: 17 ladies seduced with this look
Top 10 side gigs for Zane Smith:
10) Swamp gator wrestler
9) Comb tester
8) Totally tubular cool dude
7) Staring contest participant
6) Backup country singer
5) Vidal Sassoon pitchman
4) Racist logo apologist
3) "Melrose Place" extra
2) Mesh model
1) Common baseball card subject

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Avery
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A good amount of cringing
Key career stat: Remembered as "the other guy" from those early-'90s Braves staffs
Let's check off what's going on with this team checklist:

• Just throwing that whole racial aspect right out there for everyone to see: Check
• One arm apparently growing out of Steve Avery's back: Check
• Enough straining of muscles and veins to scar a child for life: Check

Yep, three for three. Excellent work, Upper Deck!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Name: Rick Mahler
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Rick Mahler-signed baseball (or, zilch)
Key 1982 stat: 621 balls signed (baseballs, sicko)
Selections of Rick Mahler baseball autographs from this signing session:

• "Timmy: You're a huge Braves fan. You might not know this, but I'm a Braves pitcher. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Jenny: Please forgive our intolerably racist mascot logo. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Wes: I'm keeping your ball in my butt pocket for a month or two. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Bobby: I never liked you and your play at third base makes me ill. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Debbie: I saw you at the game. You like this beer-bulge combination? I can tell. I'm in Room 232 at the Holiday Inn. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Johnny: A ballboy actually signed this. Best, Rick Mahler"

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Names: Cesar Jimenez, German Jimenez (actually the same person) 
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Greenville Braves
Positions: Portly pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Caesar dressing
Key 1988-89 stat: Zero haircuts (not counting mustache)
It's a mistaken-identity Matchup: Sure, we're aware that the above two cards both feature pitcher German Jimenez, and that Fleer just got his first name wrong (go figure). But that won't stop us from pitting one chunky man against himself.

Round 1: More masculine mustache (Winner: Cesar)
Round 2: Cooler uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Less racist mascot (Winner: German)
Round 4: Puffier hairdo (Winner: German)
Round 5: Card that vaguely resembles a candy cane (Winner: Cesar)
Round 6: Chins (Winner: German)
Round 7: Worried expression that may portend a dumb mistake on Fleer's part (Winner: Cesar)
Round 8: Insistence upon signing card with his real name (Winner: German)

Final score: German 4, Cesar 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: German survived a blitzkrieg from his made-up counterpart to take a narrow victory. There will be no hailing Cesar, and definitely no hailing Fleer. Real nice work, guys.

Cards submitted by Sean Griffin

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Ken Singleton, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Singleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 12 lead paint chips
Key 1982 stat: Low bar for Diamond Kings
Merry Christmas, and welcome to Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week: Look, we know what you're thinking. "You're giving me more Diamond Kings for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa? You guys are about as original as Adam Sandler these days." It's true, we've taken a few pokes at the work of the infamous artist Perez, but we don't think you understand how atrocious, how dreadful, how god-awful these things really were at times. So pour some extra rum in that egg nog      here we go again with the most horrendous Diamond Kings money can buy (and it can buy a lot of them).
What makes this a horrendous Diamond King: Let's start at the back. Are those just a bunch of puke-colored stripes or is that a direct ripoff of the flag of some small African nation? Moving forward, is Ken Singleton hunchbacked? What's with the lump between his right shoulder and his neck? Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure he didn't have a lazy eye, as depicted here. Of course, all of these things could be excused. It's not like we could paint Ken Singleton any better. But I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't paint him as a little white dude, as seen at bottom right. Seriously, what is Cal Ripken's face doing on Ken Singleton's body? You got his skin tone right the first time     what the hell happened with the smaller version? That's just horrendous.

Ken Singleton, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Randy Braun, 1990 CMC

Name: Randy Braun
Team: Indianapolis Indians
Position: Infield
Value of card: Two chunks of dried lacquer from a cigar store Indian
Key 1989 stat: Eight "driples" (official scorecard doubles when thrown out trying to take third)
Montreal Expos' scouting report on minor-leaguer Randy Braun: "Clearly his last name is a misnomer. ...  Doesn't mind playing on a team with an even more racist and less artistic American Indian logo than we see in Cleveland. ... We'll need to remind him his pocket protector isn't part of the uniform. ... Might have a future as our minor league mustache coordinator. ... Fills our quota of gingers; oh, wait, we don't want any gingers. ... With a little work, we can turn his tuft of bangs into the beginnings of an Indian feather. ... If his elf ears are any indication, he might have magical powers. ... His eyes are the color of mine if I were to tell you that he had a shot at the big leagues."

Randy Braun, 1990 CMC

Zane Smith, 1989 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than dirt — Atlanta dirt
Key 1988 stat: 12 American Indian feathers worn — in jockstrap
Here's what Zane Smith stands for:

Zany in more ways than Juan
Another mulleted starter in the late 1980s
Never met a swamp he didn't swim in
Endless ridicule for senior-citizen stirrups

Snaggletooth was an endearing quality
Mascot seems to be laughing at its own racism
Imitation-gold necklace sure is shiny
Tan was his state of mind
Hated the name "Zane"; preferred the name "Mane"

Zane Smith, 1989 Donruss

John Rocker, 2001 Topps

Name: John Rocker
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Closer
Value of card: 3 ounces of Rocker's spit wiped off Mets fans' faces
Key 2000 stat:  4,911 inappropriate remarks
The quotable closer: John Rocker was considered a racist, homophobe, sexist and all-around scumbag, but few knew the real John Rocker. A few little-known quotes from the closer, circa 2001:

• "Do I hate Mets fans? Quite the contrary, sir. I see a parallel between their admiration for their team and my admiration for an impassioned fan base."
• "Homosexuals are human beings just like the rest of us. In fact, I don't think what people do in the bedroom is anyone else's business."
• "Some of my best friends are Jewish."
• "No, no, no. Let me clear the air here. I love Randall Simon. He's a superb human being and I'd consider making him the godfather for my children. When I called him a 'fat monkey,' I meant 'phat,' with a PH, and who doesn't love monkeys? I know I do."
• "I say open the borders. We're talking about people here. Real people, not aliens."
• "Bud Selig is like the father I never had."
• "'We all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman. I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women. Do we hate our women?' Of course, I must credit the ultra-talented Tupac Shakur for those words. He was quite talented, wasn't he?" 
• "I wholeheartedly believe we should rename our team the Atlanta Native Americans. Now that would be brave."
• "I've been thinking about wearing a turban for religious reasons."

John Rocker, 2001 Topps

Kyle Washington, 1991 ProCards

Name: Kyle Washington
Team: Columbus Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Half a Washington (quarter, not dollar bill, so 12.5 cents)
Key 1990 stat: 22 hours trapped in a giant fishing net (see above)
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on prospect Kyle Washington: "He's worn the smaller version of our racist logo so well he's earned a chance to wear the big racist one. ... Good at chopping wood; haven't seen him swing a bat. ... May not know how to hit against live pitching, but he sure looks determined when he's posing for baseball cards. ... We have an opening for a guy with a 14-year-old's mustache. ... Swings with his chin tucked between his shoulder and chest, which is dumb but pretty funny to watch. ... This kid has proved he's a heckofa tucker despite working with a worn-out belt and a minor-league jersey. ... Easily the second-, make that third-best baseball player named Kyle Washington in Columbus, Ohio. Make that fourth-best."

Kyle Washington, 1991 ProCards

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron Tingley
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 14 spent matches
Key 1988 stat: .324 burrito-eating average
It's time for another pop quiz:

Just what made Ron all "Tingley" inside?

(A) His full-body mesh underwear.
(B) Gigantic racist logos on his head.
(C) Getting incredibly too close to a female Topps photographer.
(D) Two — just two — wafts of his golden bangs gently teasing his forehead.
(E) Staring at his Caucasian-colored mustache in the mirror.
(F) All of the above.

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Name: Bob Lemon
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One trip to the HR office
Key 1987 stat: 4,199 stories of hardship told to grandkids
Oh dear: What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Bob Lemon's high-riding cuffs. Have you no fashion sense, sir?
B) Bob Lemon's rumpled windbreaker collar
C) Bob Lemon's sour expression
D) Well, just look how off-center the border is! Sheesh!
E) Oh, come on. Do we really have to say anything?

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Ken Griffey, 1988 Fleer

Name: Ken Griffey (not "The Kid")
Team: Atlanta Braves (the awkwardly racist logo version)
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two feathers from a brave Indian chief
Key 1987 stat: One golden child
10 of Ken Griffey's biggest accomplishments in life:
10) Playing Major League Baseball
9) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
8) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
7) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
6) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
5) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
4) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
3) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
2) Fathering Ken Griffey Jr.
1) Eating 26 waffles and 14 chicken thighs at Gladys Knight's Chicken and Waffles in Atlanta

Ken Griffey, 1988 Fleer

John Riggins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 91)

Name: John Riggins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Retired running back
Value of card: Shame
Key 1991 stat: One leather-banded wristwatch
We gotta know:


What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Well, duh.
B) Without even fully seeing it, we're pretty sure it's the tie.
C) A sport coat in team colors? Tacky!
D) The fact that John Riggins hadn't played in six years.
E) All of the above.

John Riggins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 91)

Dikembe Mutombo, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Name: Dikembe Mutombo; also, apparently, "The Warrior"

Team: Denver Nuggets

Position: Center, killer of monsters

Value of card: 12 pounds of crushed monster flesh and bone

Key 1991-92 stat: 150 racial undertones

Yes, somehow, this was OK: No, no. Nothing wrong here. Let's allow a fan to draw a semi-racist picture of Congolese NBA star and humanitarian Dikembe Mutombo fighting a bunch of monsters and then make a card of it. Let's have Mutombo wield medieval weapons but not wear pants in the picture. Let's call him "The Warrior" even though that was never, ever his nickname. Let's make the depiction look just like him. On second thought, let's make it look nothing like him. Perfect.

Dikembe Mutombo, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Ed Olwine

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Two scalps (mascot said so)

Key 1988 stat: One brave fashion statement

Ed Olwine, from A to Z:

A - Attention: Computer programmer snuck into dugout. Please get him. Thank you.

B - Brave? Nothing about him says that.

C - Contact lenses aren't made that thick.

D - Dork, dweeb, doofus.

E - Eyes closed to block out career.

F - Face windshields? Check.

G - "Gosh, lady. Ha-huh. I ain't never been with a woman before. Ha-huh."

H - How was this considered a professional athlete?

I - Incinerated bugs with sunlight through glasses.

J - Just met Bill Gates, needs new underwear.

K - Kids still bully him.

L - Looks like Tom Henke.

M - Might be connected to wires behind him.

N - Never met a video game console he didn't like.

O - Over-under on sexual partners in lifetime: one.

P - Pointy chin can cut glass.

Q - Quiet except when someone brings up "Battlestar Galactica."

R - "Revenge of the Nerds" extra.

S - Snaggletooth was one of his better features.

T - Tomahawk in his pants or happy to see her? Tomahawk in his pants.

U - Under that hat, more glasses.

V - VIP at "Dungeons and Dragons" tournament in Tommy Frederick's mom's basement.

W - "Wussy" defined his existence.

X - XIV-centimeter lenses, in Roman numerals.

Y - Youth spent getting hit by bullies' rocks.

Z - Zeal for astrophysics riddles about "D&D."

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Rob Mallicoat, 1988 Fleer

Name: Rob Mallicoat
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Half a mustache
Key 1987 career stat: Zero games won.

Time for a politically incorrect pop quiz:

What race is Rob Mallicoat?

A) Caucasian
B) Asian
C) Whatever race is worst at baseball
D) Dead last in the Cy Young race
E) All of the above

Rob Mallicoat, 1988 Fleer

Albert Belle, 1993 Upper Deck Checklist

Name: Albert Belle

Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: One letter of complaint
Key 1992 stat: Infinite anger
An emotional pop quiz:

Why is Albert Belle so mad?

A) He can't find his eye-black remover.
B) This bat wasn't corked nearly enough.
C) The cultural insensitivity going on behind him.
D) The continuous nonsense going on inside him.
E) He's allergic to feathers.
F) He's Albert Belle. He's ALWAYS mad.

Albert Belle, 1993 Upper Deck Checklist

Dave Justice, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dave Justice

Teams: Atlanta Braves, Department of Justice

Positions: Outfield, detective

Value of card: Three scalps

Key 1991 stat: Zero headdresses, thank god

A different kind of crime fighter: Justice, Dave Justice. He's a cool, calculating lawman with a penchant for blood and blondes. Evil, you say? Justice is ready with his quick wit and quicker tomahawk. He strikes fear into the hearts of criminals and Native American rights groups. Justice lays down the law, and if you disagree, why don't you step back and read his last name again. Justice. That's right, Justice. He may not take his stereotypes to offensive levels, but he will use a tomahawk to chop down rapists, killers and anyone who plays for the Mets. Justice: Just don't forget.

Dave Justice, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sensitivity class
Key 1992 stat: One gigantic fire stood in front of
Great moments in awkwardness: Skybox opted to take a risk in its 1992 set, selecting a number of players to debut its "Tackling Racial Stereotypes" subset. Things quickly got out of hand. If you think this card is offensive, you should see Atlanta Falcons coach Jerry Glanville's Ku Klux Klan card, Flipper Anderson and Marcus Allen's "Crips vs. Bloods: Battle of L.A." card, or Luis Zendejas wading across the Rio Grande on his card. They even got Steve Young to dress up like a geisha girl, which was just weird.

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)