Fred Dryer, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 211)

Name: Fred Dryer
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Defensive end, actor
Value of card: 1 Beta tape of "Hunter"
Key 1976 stat: 7 years before starring as Detective Sgt. Rick Hunter
It's time for a Hollywood-tinged pop quiz:

How were Fred Dryer's acting skills on display in this card?

(A) He's not really a guy with a beard; he's just playing one.
(B) He's acting like he really takes the field without shoulder pads.
(C) Bending over suggestively, he's putting on a show for the ladies.
(D) He's pretending he doesn't want to spear-tackle the photographer for helping put him on this abysmal card.
(E) All of the above.

Fred Dryer, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 211)

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Names: Roy Gerela, David Ray
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Kickers
Value of card: Either 2 ounces of steel or 2 ounces of ram dung
Key 1973 stat: 432,101 practice kicks when other players were playing football
It's time for an edition of The Matchup that's a kick:

Round 1: Eyes the ladies could swim in (Winner: Gerela)
Round 2: Mullet that could stop bullets (Winner: Ray)
Round 3: Chin that appears to have been broken a few times (Winner: Gerala)
Round 4: A part that needed a rake instead of a comb (Winner: Ray)
Round 5: Bangs that were bangin' (Winner: Gerela)
Round 6: Look of a serial killer (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Played in a city that still has a professional football team (Winner: Gerela)

Score: Gerela 4, Ray 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle of placekickers, Roy Gerela took first place and proved that he knew how to score.

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Name: Eric Dickerson
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 pounds of ram dung
Key 1986 stat: 46 opponents juked out of their pants (on the dance floor)
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Windshields, circa 1987: "Hello, football fans. Eric Dickerson here, All-Pro running back for your Los Angeles Rams. Whether you want to see the whole field or the whole road, you need to get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Windshields. (Dickerson straps glasses on his head, squeezing his cranium.) One pair of Windshields will have you covered — literally — when you're zigzagging past defenders or zigzagging in and out of traffic. You see, NFL-brand Windshields can be peeled off your face and attached to the front of your car. You're getting two products in one. So forget about NFL-brand Windshields cutting off the circulation to your brain or making your head look like a mushroom, and start thinking about the protection you need on the gridiron and on the highway. NFL-brand Windshields: the No. 1 choice when you need head-on-collision protection for your ride and your face."

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Kermit Alexander, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 190)

Name: Kermit Alexander
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 
Key 1971 stat: Never actually ran like that on the field
Fun facts about Kermit Alexander and Kermit the Frog:

• Kermit the Frog spends much of his day with someone's hand up his backside. Judging by this pose, it looks like Kermit Alexander is hoping for that sort of thing, too.
• Kermit the Frog's skin is made of felt. Kermit Alexander's hair is made of felt.
• Kermit the Frog has starred in several feature films. Kermit Alexander has been featured in several highlights of other stars scoring touchdowns.
• Kermit the Frog is friends with the insatiably hungry Cookie Monster. In 1973, Kermit Alexander was teammates with the insatiably hungry Tom Dempsey.
• Kermit the Frog is in a relationship with Miss Piggy. Kermit Alexander dated a few swine in his day, as well.

Kermit Alexander, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 190)

Sean Gilbert, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 41)

Name: Sean Gilbert
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Less than that roll of quarters stuffed into Sean's pants
Key 1992 stat: 25 cat-calls
Blue and gold get bold: There it is. Where? I think that's pretty clear, friend. It taunts you, and you know you'll see it in your dreams tonight. It seems dangerous, bursting forth from where it usually rests, posing a threat to personal safety. That Starter jacket can't hope to cover it up, stopping well short of doing anyone any good. And those tight, lustrous pants never stood a chance of containing it. Does Sean Gilbert even know what's happening down there? Or is his tiny little head concerned with other matters, like aligning himself perfectly with the colors of the wall behind him? It doesn't matter      all that matters is that what has been seen cannot be unseen. That dangling shoe lace is almost certain to trip him up soon. What's that? Wait, what were you looking at?

Sean Gilbert, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 41)

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Name: Jack Snow
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three melted snowflakes
Key 1971 stat: Several weeks of regret
Here's what Jack Snow stands for:

Jumping around like a ninny
Acting like a fool
Carrying the ball in way that's just begging for a strip
Kicking his legs in the air like a toddler

Strutting around like an idiot
Nosing ahead in the race for NFC's biggest jackass
Obeying every ridiculous command from the photographer
We didn't even get to his pasted-down hard part. Oh well.

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)

Name: Charle Young
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Zero cents, converted to pesos
Key 1977 stat: Wasn't actually as scary as this photo makes him out to be
Time for a little Q-and-A about this card:
Q: "Carneros"? "AC"? Whaaa?
A: This card is from the 1977 Topps Mexican football set, a set of Spanish-language cards featuring all the 1970s Topps hallmarks      atrocious photography, lots of dudes with afros, and enough airbrushing to fill a style magazine. "Carneros" is Spanish for Rams, and "AC" is short for ala cerrada, which is 28 percent more fun to say than "tight end."
Q: On the card, this guy's name is "Charley," but you dolts have it as "Charle." Are ya stupid or somethin'?
A: Despite all the evidence on this site, we're not complete idiots. In fact, we've got this one right. His name really is Charle; Topps added the Y by mistake. Of course, they'll probably claim that "Charley" is Spanish for Charle, or something.
Q: Why is Charle Young wearing an inflatable rubber suit instead of a football jersey?
A: Look, we know all about rubber suits, and that, my friend, is no rubber suit. That's one of the most frightening instances of airbrushing in the history of sports cards. Mr. Young had been traded from the Eagles to the Rams in early 1977, after Topps had taken all its photos. It was too difficult for the artist (*ahem*) who airbrushed this photo to keep the appearance of a mesh jersey, so instead, old Charle got a solid blue uniform top with two yellow stripes and a childlike "86" drawn on it. (Frankly, this whole idea should have been eighty-sixed.) Thankfully, the artist (*ahem*) chose a different shade of blue for the helmet, making it clear that this photo was doctored, and that Charle does not, in fact, play football while wearing latex.
Q: I have this card. What do you suggest I do with it?
A: Take it to el baño and tirarlo en el inodoro.

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)

Jack Reynolds, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 164)

Name: Jack Reynolds
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Middle linebacker
Value of card: A shot of Jack (meaning a photo of this guy, not 1 ounce of whiskey)
Key 1973 stat: 15 real rams killed in headbutting contests in the wild
It's time for another installment of The Caption, which probably didn't but could have run in the Los Angeles Times in 1974: "Los Angeles Rams middle linebacker Jack Reynolds, center, takes his first shower in three months, which happens to be the last time he got a haircut and shaved his sideburns, during a game against the Houston Oilers on a blistering day that was so hot players were squeezing water under their pads and onto their chests between make-believe goalposts and football card company photographers were so dehydrated they began to hallucinate and believe that snapping a photo of a grown man, a beastly man, squirting water down his shirt would make for an appropriate football card that would be collected by America's children, Sunday in Los Angeles."

Jack Reynolds, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 164)

Jackie Slater, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 126)

Name: Jackie Slater
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tackle
Value of card: 11 pounds of ram dung
Key 1985 stat: 99-pound head
It's time to "ram home" a pop quiz:

Just how big is Jackie Slater's head?

(A) Zoos used the same helmet to house a family of grey wolves.
(B) When he takes a shower, he has to clean off the orbiting moons.
(C) He was a stand-in for the "Star Wars" production, in place of the Death Star
(D) His neck is earthquake retrofitted.
(E) All of the above.

Jackie Slater, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 126)

Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Name: Tom Newberry
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One hair peninsula
Key 1991 stat: Zero dates


It's lockout fever: With rumors swirling that the NFL lockout is about to be, well, unlocked, we here at the Bust thought we'd bring you a week of hilarious writing. But why start now? Instead, this week will be dedicated to the most ridiculous set of football cards known to mankind: the 1991 Pro Line Portraits. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to start studying for a fantasy football draft we worried might not happen.

Tom Newberry's dating profile, circa 1991:


Screen name: RamIt66
Age: 29
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 285 lbs. of raw steel
Hair: A peninsula of passion
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Want children? What, more?
Relationship status: I'm on good terms with Jim Everett
Best feature: Designer sweatpants
Smoke? The L.A. air is bad enough
Drink? Only when Dickerson spikes the Gatorade

Seeking: Ramming it
Location: Anywhere you can ram it
Her height: Ram
Her weight: It
Her ethnicity: Ram-anian

About me: Hi ladies. I'd like to tell you about a cause that's close to my heart: Ramming it. A few years ago, My Los Angeles Ram teammates and I made a hit music video called "Let's Ram It" — you may have seen me starring in the background. And while some people said that 5 1/2 minutes was painfully too long and that it lacked "good choreography," neither of those criticisms hits the point. The point is: Let's ram it! There are millions of people in this world each night who aren't able to ram it. College students, middle-aged professionals, senior citizens — all without the opportunity to ram it. Ladies, it's time to do your part. Drop me a line, and I'll show you how you can help the less fortunate — including myself — ram it like they've never rammed it before.

Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Cullen Bryant, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 38)

Name: Cullen "Azeem the Painted Man" Bryant

Teams: Los Angeles Rams, The Merry Men

Position: Running back, Trusted Moor Bodyguard

Value of card: All the gold plundered from the rich and bestowed upon the poor

Key 1976 stat: 2,600 freckles

The painted man: Cullen Bryant was imprisoned in Jerusalem when he met Ron "Of Locksley" Jaworski, a quarterback whose career was winding down with the Rams. Jaworski nicknamed his new friend "Azeem," and saved his life during an escape from the prison. Azeem vowed to accompany Ron of Locksley until the debt of saving his life was repaid. This led Azeem to join the Los Angeles Rams, a group of players who spent their offseason hiding in the Sherwood Forest off Interstate 110 in L.A. While on the team, Azeem was given a second nickname, "The Painted Man," because of his freckles. Team owner Georgia Frontiere, known to many as a witch, told reporters she dreamed a "painted man" would lead her to financial ruin. When she heard of Cullen "Azeem the Painted Man" Bryant, she grew agitated and threatened to cut Ron of Locksley to spite Azeem and send the quarterback to a two-bit sports network. Realizing the opportunity to repay his debt to Ron of Locksley, Azeem grabbed a bow and arrow and headed to Frontiere's office. As she cackled and cursed his freckles, Azeem shot her with an arrow and cleared his path to a future as the voice of god.

Cullen Bryant, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 38)

Jerome Bettis, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Super Bowl Week No. 3)

Name: Jerome Bettis

Team: Los Angeles Rams

Position: Running back

Value of card: 12 pounds of rock

Key Super Bowl stat: 413 head-butts

Butt ... why? The 1994 Los Angeles Rams were a team in chaos. Orange County was mired in a recession, making it hard for a mediocre team to entice fans to buy tickets. Amid much criticism and Southern California whining, owner Georgia Frontiere worked out a deal to move the team to St. Louis.

"But how do we get there?" Butt and ram: Frontiere had everything set for the move from the West Coast to the heart of Middle America, except for a way to get there. Protesters were blocking the team complex gates and moving companies refused to upset customers who were part of the fan base. Enter Jerome Bettis. The Notre Dame alumnus had thighs the size of Port-O-Potties and a penchant for running into things, such as Port-O-Potties. He also had horns, which made him even harder to tackle. Frontiere persuaded Bettis to lead the team from the complex across the nation and into St. Louis. He took on the challenge, first head-butting protesters, then vehicles on freeways, then buildings that were in the way, and then naturally occurring land masses. Whatever got in his way, he ran into head-first, leaving a path of pulverization in his wake. Bettis's horns and head-butts paved the way to St. Louis, thus paving the way to the Rams' 1999 Super Bowl victory and his own Super Bowl success with the Steelers.

Jerome Bettis, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Super Bowl Week No. 3)

Shane Conlan, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)

Name: Shane Conlan, aka The Barbarian

Team: Faint Louis Rams

Position: Linebacker

Fright value of card: One cluster of wool

Key 1993 splat: Two kitty paws over shoulders

10 things you may not know about Shane Conlan:

10) He drives a Dodge truck.

9) He has a lot of random-access memory.

8) He slams his head into other men's heads to win women's affection.

7) He plays the horn.

6) His last girlfriend? Ewe.

5) His head is now mounted on a hunter's wall.

4) He often has the wool pulled over his eyes.

3) He has an insatiable taste for mutton.

2) He's an Aries.

1) Puns make him sheepish.

Shane Conlan, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)