Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Name: Benji Gil
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More like Benji Nil
Key 1991 stat: Rated best jawline in Chula Vista, Calif.
Rangers' scouting report on first-round draft choice Benji Gil: "For such a young kid, he's built like a tank. Wait, no, correction: He moves like a tank. ... Says he can't get enough of Michael Bolton's music. ... Could be a 20-20 guy      meaning hits and errors, not homers and steals. ... Reminds us a bit of Patrick Bateman from 'American Psycho.' So that's frightening. ... Look, the truth is, we thought we were getting the dog from the movies. Our bad."

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Mark McLemore, 1998 Score

Name: Mark McLemore
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Four frames of B-roll
Key 1997 stat: One Golden Globe
Lights, camera, action: When he wasn't playing baseball for Texas, Mark McLemore would fill in as a cameraman during Rangers broadcasts, as seen above. But that wasn't Mark's only experience behind the camera. Here are a few of his other, lesser-seen productions:

• A failed TV reality show starring Bengie, Yadier and Jose Molina called "Nonstop Squatting"
• A hotdog-eating contest between Pudge Rodriguez and a wolf
• Naughty time with Mrs. McLemore
• His daughter's fourth birthday party (half taped over with an Evander Holyfield fight)
• Seven minutes of smartphone footage of the inside of his pocket

Mark McLemore, 1998 Score

Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Ivan Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of "pudge"
Key 1997 stat: Thighs the size of Greek pillars
It's the latest edition of The Caption, which definitely did not run in the Dallas Morning News circa 1998: "Rangers catcher Ivan 'Pudge' Rodriguez has some impish fun with teammate Juan Gonzalez by distracting Gonzalez with a little game of 'Look Up My Shorts' before hitting him in the face with a medicine ball Thursday morning in Arlington."

Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 used hair curlers
Key 1981 stat: 185 hours spent in the salon
It's time for a hair-raising pop quiz:

What was the name for John Henry Johnson's hairdo?

(A) The Short-and-Curlies
(B) Curly Sue 'Do
(C) The Moe, Larry and John Henry
(D) Firm Perm That Will Make You Squirm
(E) All of the above

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers (Yeah, we get it.)
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 cow patties
Key 1990 stat: 12 bucking broncos hogtied (or something)
It's time for a pop quiz deep in the heart of Texas:

What exactly is the "Texas Cowboy Life"?

(A) It's like the "Dallas Cowboy Life," only more successful and less comical.
(B) You hang out on a ranch and every so often punch a rookie in the head a half-dozen times.
(C) You pose for a ridiculous set of baseball cards for a company trying to stave off bankruptcy.
(D) Two words: assless chaps.
(E) All of the above.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: A huff and a puff
Key 1996 stat: 52 bottles of Just For Men purchased
Hinting at retirement: What's so scary about this Diamond King? Well, as usual, you've got your faceless tiny man in the corner      you'll definitely be seeing him when you close your eyes tonight. There's also the lesson in how not to apply self-tanning products that is Old Man Hough's face. That thing's streakier than the inside of his adult diaper. But perhaps the biggest can of nightmare fuel is that giant fork that Dick Perez has shoved in Charlie's back. Good lord, man, what did this old-timer do to tick you off? Either that, or you were trying to hint that it was time for Charlie to call it a career      stick a fork in him, he's done.

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Rafael Palmerio, from left, Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, left field, right field and catcher, respectively
Value of card: Four empty vials
Key 1992 stat: Blue belts for everybody!
Four Latin stars enter (sorry, Julio Franco), only one can win in this Matchup:

Round 1: Embarrassing lack of facial hair (Winner: Canseco)
Round 2: Embarrassing lack of mullet (Winner: Rodriguez)
Round 3: Fondness for wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Gently caressing another player's neck (Winner: Gonzalez)
Round 5: Smugness (Winner: Canseco)
Round 6: Crossing the streams (Winner: Tie between Palmeiro and Rodriguez)
Round 7: Biding his time before ratting out his teammates (Winner: Canseco)

Bonus round: More prescient advertising slogan on the billboards in the back (Winner: "The Formula of the Future")

Final score: Canseco 4, Rodriguez 1, Gonzalez 1, Palmeiro 0 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: All of these guys were accused of playing dirty at some point, but it was Canseco who outmuscled the competition on his way to victory. His tell-all book about this Matchup should be coming out any day now.

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Jones
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Deep in the heart of Texas, it's still worthless
Key 1985 stat: 741 times mistaken for one of the other 1,851,091 Bob Joneses
Here's what Bob Jones stands for:

Blacked out, but only because of his shades
Often said to have his head in the clouds
Background looks like a John Denver song

"Jake and the Fatman" was his favorite show
Only rocked American-themed cummerbunds
Neck seems to have a face on it
Exactly the type of player you want playing OF-1B
Sauntered around town in this pose

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: A Burger King french fry that has fallen on the ground
Key 1989 stat: One crowning achievement
Bow down before the one you serve: In 1990, Donruss granted Nolan Ryan what is truly the greatest honor in baseball history: Donruss King of Kings. (Not to worry      they kept pumping out regular old Diamond Kings for several more years.) With the distinction came a handful of benefits such as golden bolls of cotton, multicolored laser beams and a small painting of himself looking kind of like Tim Robbins in "Bull Durham." But, going by the above larger, more stunning portrait, what should the King of Kings' historical nickname be? Here are some options.

• King Nolan the Broken-Nosed
• King Nolan of Two Chins
• King Nolan the Slightly Wall-Eyed
• King Nolan the Rosy-Cheeked
• King Mole-an

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Drew Hall, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Drew Hall
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 16 used dental rubber bands
Key 1989 stat: 12 hours spent getting clay impressions made of his teeth
Let's see what Drew Hall stands for:

Dentist deferred to the orthodontist for a few years
Rubber bands taste rubbery when swallowed
Eating proved difficult so he drank blended doughnuts through a straw
Wounds in the gums make chewing tobacco much harder

Hellacious pain after a tightening
Ancestors would have had teeth like a bowl full of broken glass
Little did he know his orthodontia would be preserved for posterity on a baseball card
Laugh now; these braces gave him a winning smile he's still flashing today

Drew Hall, 1990 Upper Deck

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps

Name: Ed Figueroa
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nada, deep in the heart of Texas
Key 1980 stat: 365 days, zero haircuts
It's time for a Texas-size pop quiz:

Just how rough-and-tumble was Ed Figueroa's life?

(A) He once shot dead eight desperados with a six-shooter.
(B) He once drank three bottles of XXX whiskey, and then peed into a bottle, and then drank from that bottle of what had become XXXX whiskey.
(C) He once smoked a thick cigar, chewed a can of tobacco and smoked a pack of nonfiltered cigarettes — and then he woke up.
(D) He once rode the meanest bucking bull in three states for eight minutes; they were later married.
(E) All of the above.

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An expired Hamburger Helper coupon
Key 1986-87 stat: Zero attractive photos taken
Here's what Mike Loynd and this winner of a card stand for:

Major league pitcher     no, really!
Impossible for this photo to be any worse
Kelp-colored photo backdrop was a nice touch
Eyebrows offered more heat than his fastball

Looks like someone could use a lesson in skin care
Only source of light in the room appears to be reflecting off his greasy forehead
Yes, that's his smile...
No, he's not just grinding grain with his teeth
Didn't get a chance to see Mike pitch in the bigs? You must have been busy that month.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Name: Mickey Rivers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One glass shard from a Mickey's bottle
Key 1982 stat: One double
It was only a kiss: Toward the end of his baseball career, Mickey Rivers developed some strange habits. He started showering in a bathing suit after games, he would give himself a pat on the butt after getting a hit and, perhaps strangest of all, after striking out, he would blow a kiss to the pitcher. As you might imagine, this didn't sit well with everyone. Having K'd Rivers twice in an August contest, Royals starter Gaylord Perry was none too pleased with Mickey's smooches. Thinking that the hitter was making fun of his given name, Gaylord proceeded to plunk Rivers in his third plate appearance, drilling him right in the ear hole. Perry was tossed from the game and Rivers, unable to continue, put on his best bathing suit and hit the showers.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: First base
Value of card: Rust
Key 1995 stat: Zero autographs signed with the name "Nuschler"
A few outtakes from Will Clark's autograph session:

• "Yes, Nancy, that is a bat in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you."
• "To Matthew. Thanks for suggesting I use my cup to steady the ball. It's effective and pleasurable!"
• "Dear Bobby, no, I can't get you Juan Gonzalez's autograph. Jerk."
• "Nolan, it's kind of weird that you're pushing all these kids out of the way. Just come down on the field, already."
• "To Jenny: Yes, I'm aware my uniform vaguely resembles the American flag. Love it or leave it, lady."
• "For Mikey      gotta go, this cop is bringing me my coffee. Later!"

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Names: Nolan "The Gentleman Rancher" Ryan, Horse
Teams: Texas Rangers, The Stable
Positions: Ace, Saddled
Value of card: Two unlucky horseshoes
Key 1990 stat: 1,211 rides together
It's time for a Texas-size edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Covered in flies (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes wears a saddle in bed (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Still participates in the occasional rodeo (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Often craps in a field (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Favorite TV show is "Mr. Ed" (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Shoes attached to feet with nails (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Often eats from a feedbag (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan 0, Horse 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: It's not often there's a tie in The Matchup, but it's not often two individuals share such similar characteristics. In the end, neither Ryan nor Horse could gallop away into the sunset with a victory.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Coupon for $4.95 off a tuxedo rental at The Men's Wearhouse
Key 1990 stat: 12 balls thrown directly at camera during photo shoot
10 things you didn't know about Nolan Ryan's date to the black-tie-only senior ball:
10) She wore a lovely dress and the same cleats as Ryan.
9) She and Ryan shared their Skoal.
8) She enjoyed dances in Sears portrait studios, so she had a great time.
7) She brought a bat and had to use it at Lookout Point.
6) She was 63, too.
5) Turns out, she couldn't dance well after catching a heater in the ear hole.
4) She stopped Ryan before he got to first base.
3) "She" was a glove with a lot of glove oil.
2) He rode her onto the dance floor on a saddle (and she wore horseshoes).
1) It was Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, Texas Beefmaster
Value of card: A cowpie
Key 1990 stat: Zero beef mastered
Nolan Ryan's online dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TexasBeefmaster01
Age: 13 (in horse years)
Height: 6'10" (with my boots and hat on)
Weight: 170 (without my boots and hat on)
Hair color: Brindle
Hair style: Covered
Ethnicity: Texan
Religious views: Don't mess with Texas
Marital status: Married to the ranch. Also, to my wife.
Want children? I calved a couple young'uns earlier today
Best feature: Calluses
Smoke? Only what I can roll
Drink? Moonshine

Seeking: A right fine heifer
Location: In the barn, at the stockyard, on the range      it doesn't matter
Her body type: Meaty
Her ethnicity: Angus
Her hairstyle: Matted

About me: Hello there, ladies. They call me the Texas Beefmaster (sure they do), but it's not because of the livestock I keep on my ranch. You see, I'm partial to a girl with some steak on her bones, the kind of woman who knows her way around both a trough and a haystack. It's true that I'm married, but my relationship is as open as the range that I ride. So if you're interested in knocking hooves, drop me a line and we can get low.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Darrell Porter, 1987 Topps

Name: Darrell Porter
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Catcher, designated hipster
Value of card: A pint of porter, spilled all over your pants
Key 1986 stat: Worked rather hard on that mini-mullet, thank you very much
Clearing up some rumors about Darrell Porter and his glasses:

• Darrell Porter did not have an exceedingly tiny head. Even Barry Bonds' noggin would look minuscule behind those glasses.
• Darrell Porter would not have needed tape had his glasses been broken. The two halves would have still been so huge that they would have been held together by their own gravitational pull.
• That is, in fact, Darrell Porter's real nose. It just looks like he's wearing Groucho Marx specs without the mustache.
• Darrell Porter did not actually need those glasses to see. Rather, he just wanted to look smart for the ladies.
• Darrell Porter's glasses are, in fact, proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Darrell Porter, 1987 Topps

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)