Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:

• Gilligan
• Frederich Frobel, the inventor of kindergarten
• A promising baseball prospect
• Boyfriend material
• Jim Morrison. No, not that one, this one.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Alex Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Alex Sanchez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nothing good
Key 1989 stats: Four games, three starts, zero wins
Toronto Blue Jays' scouting report on nondescript rookie Alex Sanchez: "Resemblance to A.C. Slater from 'Saved by the Bell' should score us some points with fans who are teenage girls. ... Sure, his last name is Sanchez, but judging by his stuff, he ain't 'dirty.' ... Currently leading our Triple-A team in mullet and steely eyes. ... Hard to find a photo of this guy. All we've got so far is his driver's license photo, but thankfully he's wearing his uniform in it. We may need to buy this guy some actual clothes. ... Needs to work on: (1) curveball; (2) changeup; (3) chin. ... We're all pulling for him in his effort to some day grow facial hair."

Alex Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Steve Foster, 1992 Donruss

Name: Steve Foster
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A chewed pen cap
Key 1991 stat: Multiple shirts worn at all times
Autographs signed by Steve Foster (as far as you know):

• "To Sarah: Thanks for pointing out that my face is as red as my jersey. We can't all be as pale as you, you brat."
• "To Brian: It sure is dark out here. Please don't kill me."
• "Dear Charlie: No, rookie hazing does not involve 'servicing' Marge Schott or her foul dog. That's disgusting."
• "To Juliet: Your name is from Shakespeare, right? But soft, what light above my left shoulder breaks? It is a UFO, and we're all going to die."
• "Dear Jimmy: Hold on, I need to mug for the camera real quick."

Steve Foster, 1992 Donruss

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Donruss

Name: Kevin Belcher (unfortunately)
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Dr Pepper
Key 1990 stat: No more than 25 percent of forearm exposed at any time
Rangers scouting report on rookie Kevin Belcher: "Loves to roll up his short sleeves exactly one time. We're not sure why. ... Spent his entire signing bonus on wristbands. ... Give him a couple cans of Cherry Coke and he'll live up to his name for the next half-hour. ... Calls his glasses his 'eye covers.' Yeah, we don't know, either. ... Has started an R&B cover group called Belch Biv DeVoe. They're not very good."

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Donruss

Carlos Perez, 1996 Donruss Rated Rookie

Name: Carlos Perez

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Three bullets, for a finger gun

Key 1995 stat: Four 1990s fashion necessities (backward hat, Oakley Blades, mock turtleneck, ridiculous bulge)

Conversation between Donruss photographer and Donruss editor, March 14, 1996:

Donruss photographer: "So, what do you think of this shot?"

Donruss editor: "Well, where do I start ..."

DP: "So you like it?"

Editor: "No, I don't like it. I don't like the shot and I don't like the guy."

DP: "Carlos Perez is one of the hottest rookies this season."

Editor: "I don't care. This guy is breaking every rule in the book."

DP: "Like what?"

Editor: "Like his backward hat. This isn't a home run derby. This is the national pastime."

DP: "C'mon, he's just having fun."

Editor: "Fun? You call those late-1980s Oakley Blades fun? This guy's a pitcher for chris'sakes."

DP: "He's a character. We should embrace him."

Editor: "Embrace him? He's pointing a finger gun at the camera. Who is this guy?"

DP: "He's the youngest brother in the Perez family. You remember Pascual and Melido, right?"

Editor: "That's exactly my point. He's a fool, just like his brothers. He's wearing a mock turtleneck on a hot day. He's all style, no substance."

DP: "That's part of what makes this shot so memorable."

Editor: "The only thing anyone is going to remember about this shot is the snake-like bulge twisting down to his knee."

DP: "Well, this is the only shot of him I got."

Editor: "Just cover up most of his junk with a big square and print this piece of crap."

DP: "Will do, boss."

Editor: (shakes head, takes shot of whiskey)

Carlos Perez, 1996 Donruss Rated Rookie

Randy Johnson, 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie

Name: Randy Johnson

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Ace

Today's headline: Big Unit wins No. 300

Value of card: 300 units

Key 1989 stat: Four batters decapitated

An ugly win is still a win: On June 4, 2009, Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson won his 300th game. Many of the victories were pretty, but some were quite ugly, which seems fitting because the Unit is arguably the least attractive 300-game winner. But baseball isn't a beauty contest, and jacked-up grills mean nothing when a 101-mph fastball is breaking the laws of physics on a path toward your face. Sure, Johnson was gangly and awkward in his rookie season with the Expos. Sure, the first time Tim "Rock" Raines saw the 6-foot-10 lefty on a mound he exclaimed, "That's one big unit." Sure, the first-ballot Hall of Famer has had the same look on his face for 20 years. But what Johnson lacks in looks, he makes up for in mullet and mustache.

Randy Johnson, 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie