Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: New York Yankees Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Third base, free agent
Value of card: 50 cents off whatever that crap is that he's putting on his chin
Key 1997 stat: Put a bunch of that crap on his chin
Wait a minute: What is that crap Wade Boggs is putting on his chin?

A) Deodorant for that huge chin-pit of his
B) Edible sunscreen
C) The world's largest tube of ChapStick, misapplied
D) Ointment for butt-chin rash
E) None of the above

Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Larry Rothschild, 2001 Topps

Name: Larry Rothschild
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Position: Manager
Value of card: Grumpiness
Key 2000 stat: Not ready for the new millennium
Fun facts about Larry Rothschild and the Y2K bug:

• The Y2K bug was caused by short-sighted decisions made by computer programmers. Larry Rothschild's short-sighted managerial decisions caused problems for the Rays and their fans.
• As 2000 approached, much preparation went into avoiding a Y2K-related disaster. As 2000 approached, Larry Rothschild's Rays were still a disaster.
• Some people say that the Y2K bug should never have been taken so seriously. We can all agree that no one took Larry Rothschild seriously in this jacket.
• In the end, very few problems were created by the Y2K bug. In the end, very few wins were created by Larry Rothschild.

Larry Rothschild, 2001 Topps

Felix Martinez, 2001 Topps

Name: Felix Martinez
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Shortstop, derp base
Value of card: Ever heard of Felix the Cat? Something from his litter box
Key 2000 stat: Face froze like that
Felix Martinez by the numbers:

75: Percent of the word "derp" spelled out on his uniform
100: Percent derp on his face
4: Square feet of crotch in this photo
5: Seasons spent in the majors
1: Seasons in which he hit better than .226
0: Winning seasons for the Rays during his time there
0: Surprise about that last fact

Felix Martinez, 2001 Topps

Ryan Rupe, 2000 Upper Deck Victory

Name: Ryan Rupe
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One sting from a devil ray
Key 1999 stat: 4.55 ERA (hey, it was the best he ever posted)
Questions and answers: Which of these facts about this card is most surprising?

A) Ryan Rupe and "victory" are mentioned so close together.
B) Ryan Rupe had a reason to tip his cap to the crowd
C) Ryan Rupe played pro ball even though he didn't know how to put on a glove
D) Upper Deck thought we wanted a second, tighter photo of this schmoe
E) All of the abovce

Ryan Rupe, 2000 Upper Deck Victory

Brent Abernathy, 2001 Upper Deck

Name: Brent Abernathy
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Position: Infield
Value of card: 12 pieces of devil ray excrement
Key 2000 stat: Zero smiles
Devil Rays' scouting report on rookie Brent Abernathy: "Man, this kid's enthusiasm is something special. Look at that look of excitement on his face. ... If baseball doesn't work we can use him in the devil ray tank, as bait. ... Has the personality of chum. ... Looks like an athlete, a kick ball athlete, but an athlete nonetheless. ... Wears the 'TB' on his cap well: Total Bust. ... We think we've found his natural position: far from the field, in a Sears photo studio. ... Forget this kid, let's look for more players name 'Ray.'"

Brent Abernathy, 2001 Upper Deck

Mike Decelle and Marcus McCain, 1996 Topps

Names: Mike Decelle, Marcus McCain

Team: The lowest level of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Positions: Who cares?

Value of card: 2 x nothing = poop

Key 1995 stat: Still looking; none found

It's two bums you never heard of in The Matchup:

Round 1: Big-league experience (Tie: N/A)

Round 2: Fans who remember them in 2011 (Tie: N/A)

Round 3: Rays who remember them (Tie: N/A)

Round 4: Friends who remember them (Tie: N/A)

Round 5: Siblings who remember them (Tie: N/A)

Round 6: Parents who remember them (Tie: N/A)

Round 7: Number of cheesy Devil Rays logos in background (Winner: McCain)

Score: McCain 1, whoever that other guy is 0

Synopsis: Just when it looked like neither one of these guys could win anything, McCain takes home the crown with a big assist from Topps.

Mike Decelle and Marcus McCain, 1996 Topps

Rolando Arrojo, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Rolando Arrojo

Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: This much (see above)

Key 1995 stat: 10 fingers (he'll show ya)

It's time for a hands-free pop quiz:

Why is Rolando Arrojo holding up his hands?

(A) He's being arrested for obscene use of a mock turtleneck.

(B) He's waving to both of his fans.

(C) He was asked how many wins the Devil Rays would have that year.

(D) He's shoving the camera lens after the photographer made a crack about his ears.

(E) None of the above.

Rolando Arrojo, 1998 Fleer Ultra