Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

• Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
• Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
• Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
• If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
• Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Trey Beamon
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One-third of a Chuck E. Cheese token
Key 1995 stat: Beat your high score on "Daytona USA"
It's The Caption, which might have (but didn't) run in the Pittsbugh Post-Gazette around 1996: "Pirates rookie Trey Beamon plays a racing game at a local video arcade Tuesday. It was a welcome change of pace for Beamon, who has been playing nothing but 'Punch-Out' at the plate so far this season."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Name: Pat Woodcock
Team: Ottawa Renegades
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 giggles
Key 2004 stat: Wore a shirt that said "Woodcock" to work
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200: Congratulations, Pat Woodcock, on your first-ballot, unanimous Bust Name Hall of Fame erection election. Only the best, such as Rusty Kuntz, Dick Pole and Steve Sharts, have achieved this honor so quickly      but there's no doubt that Woodcock stands up to the test.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:

• Gilligan
• Frederich Frobel, the inventor of kindergarten
• A promising baseball prospect
• Boyfriend material
• Jim Morrison. No, not that one, this one.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ozzie Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A replica penny
Key 1990 stat: One walk
Ways in which people could determine Ozzie from his twin brother Jose:

• Ozzie was the smart one
• Jose was the one with the back-ne
• Ozzie was the one who showered
• Jose was the one who thought Big Mac actually owned McDonald's
• Ozzie was the one in the minors
• Jose was the one who shot off his own finger

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Ken Griffey Jr., 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: Ken Griffey Jr. and random grandma
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Team Upper Deck
Positions: Outfield, grandma
Value of card: Back in her day, this card would have cost about what it's worth now
Key 1994 stat: One meal on wheels
Let's go to Seattle for a cross-generational Matchup: 

Round 1: Looks better in a hat (Winner: Griffey)
Round 2: Makes a better apple crumble (Winner: Grandma)
Round 3: Smells more like mothballs (Winner: Grandma)
Round 4: Weeks away from an debilitating injury (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: More apt to swat a baseball (Winner: Griffey)
Round 6: More apt to swat a behind (Winner: Grandma)
Round 7: Cringing slightly from unwanted physical contact (Winner: Grandma)

Final score: Grandma 4, Griffey 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Grandma took The Kid to the woodshed in this Matchup, but she'll still make him that apple crumble. Thanks, Grandma!

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Ken Griffey Jr., 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Name: Dean McAmmond
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Left wing
Value of card: Deer crap
Key 1998-99 stat: 14 citations from the Canada Fish and Wildlife Department
Oh deer: Always a loner and an oddball, Dean McAmmond would spend his time away from the rink attempting to find acceptance within a herd of deer. He would start by tracking the animals on his snowmobile, and would slowly gain their trust until he could hand-feed them. McAmmond would rummage for grass under the snowpack and would  attempt to protect the young from wolves. His adventure ended swiftly, though, after he was gored in the arm by antlers while fighting a rival buck for mating rights.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Name: Mel Bridgman
Team: New Jersey Devils
Position: Center
Value of card: Shaved ice
Key 1983-84 stat: No toothpaste needed
Presenting Mel Bridgman, by the numbers:

38: Assists in 1983-84
23: Goals in 1983-84
5: Teeth in 1983-84

$148,000: Amount Bridgman earned annually in the early '80s
$33,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on housing in the early '80s
$12,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on creamed corn and oatmeal in the early '80s

18:58: Bridgman's minutes on ice per game
1:53: Bridgman's penalty minutes per game
1:46: Minutes the dentist needed to give Bridgman a full checkup per visit

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Name: Jay Bell
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four broken golf tees 
Key 1997 stat: Zero idea how to play golf
At the sound of the bell, please answer this pop quiz: What's Jay Bell up to here?

A) Getting ready to move to golf-friendly Arizona
B) Going from a former greenskeeper to a Masters champion
C) Playing golf with a base and a baseball. Duh.
D) Working on his putts
E) All of the above

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Name: Terry Kinard
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Safety
Value of card: One chicken thigh
Key 1990 stat: Occasionally forgot to dress for practice
Three fun facts about the Houston Oilers and Terry Kinard:

• The Oilers could have used a little more coverage in their secondary. Kinard could have used a little more coverage below the equator.
• The Oilers ran a fast-tempo offense. Kinard liked to dress fast and offend everyone. 
• The Oilers were lured away to Tennessee in the mid-1990s by the promise of a new stadium. Kinard was lured by something a little less expensive in Myrtle Beach.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

• Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
• Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
• Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
• Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
• Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
• Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tony Womack
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Second base
Value of card: An ounce of Juicy Juice
Key 1997stat: Four binkies used (not counting his daughter's)
It's a father-daughter Matchup on the Bust:

Round 1: Bigger thirst (Winner: Father)
Round 2: More likely to wet themselves in half an hour (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: More stuffed animals owned (Winner: Daughter)
Round 4: More stuffed animals slept with at night (Winner: Father)
Round 5: Bigger base-stealing threat (Winner: Father)
Round 6: Bigger cookie-stealing threat (Winner: Also father)
Round 7: More likely to make you feel old when you realize she's probably, like, 18 now (Winner: Daughter)

Final score: Tony Womack 4, daughter 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Tony ran laps around his little girl, but that doesn't mean that little munchkin didn't steal our hearts. D'awwww.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Names: Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez (feat. Randy Johnson)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles and Seattle Mariners
Positions: Shortstops, future third basemen 
Value of card: General confusion
Key 1995 stat: Zero comic books owned, combined
An illustrative pop quiz: We already know that Cal Ripken's superhero alias is The Ripper. What would A-Rod's be?

(A) The Needler
(B) Mr. April
(C) The Slapper
(D) The Disappointment
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Gene Brabender, 1970 Topps

Name: Gene Brabender
Team: Seattle Pilots
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of fish guts from Pike Place Market
Key 1970 stat: Zero Seattle Pilots games, because the team moved to Milwaukee before the 1970 season started
Quite the honor: We here at The Bust are excited to welcome Gene Brabender to the Name Hall of Fame. Surprisingly, this is the first player from the one-year-and-done Seattle Pilots to be given the honor. But Brabender isn't the first player whose name reminds us of the crazy summer nights of our youth. There's Motorboat Jones, who knew how to put his head down and get things done. Then there's Rusty Kuntz and Pete LaCock, who you can barely keep apart. And, of course, Dick Harter, who reminds of us of the third-period tuck, if you know what we mean. So here's to Gene Brabender, a player whose best pitch was an offer of heavy petting.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Gene Brabender, 1970 Topps

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Name: Brett Smith
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of urine
Key 2013 stat: 47 better T-shirt options
Some of the sayings on rookie quarterback Brett Smith's other T-shirts:

• Crap Thunder
• Sweat Profusely
• Chafe Class
• Vomit Virtue
• Pee-Pee Maturity

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Name: Nino Espinosa
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 cents Canadian
Key 1978 stat: 2 trips to Canada (Expos series)
Nino Espinosa's train of thought from 12:44 to 12:45 p.m. September 17, 1978: "Man, Nino is looking good. I spent 45 minutes on my 'fro today, and another 10 minutes getting my hat to sit right, but it was worth it. When you're a big shot, like Nino, you have to look the part. Got my jersey buttoned up just right. Got my sleeves on and my mustache manicured. Nino's 'fro is glistening. Man, I'm so excited to be on a Topps card. Wait, what did the photographer say? This is a Canadian O-Pee-Chee card? What? All that primpin' and no American pimpin'? Nino got to call Nino's agent."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee