Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass     don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Scott Eyre
Team: Charleston Rainbows (Texas Rangers affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 percent tip on nada
Key 1994 stat: 4,809 times it was impossible to live down this card
Steady your stomach, it's time for another recipe:

Rainbow balls
2 regulation baseballs
3 ounces irony
11 pints of missed puns
Dash of childlike innocence
Double entendre to taste

Take the baseballs and set them on a table. Tell an 18-year-old rookie to sit down and pretend to cut the baseballs with a plastic knife and fork. Call over a professional baseball card company photographer. Never mention you're doing this because it's hilarious that a guy sporting rainbows all over his clothes is eating balls. Ridicule the rookie incessantly when the card "comes out." Repeat each year until your career fizzles out.

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Name: Herb Washington
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pinch Run. (period)
Value of card: 1 Washington (dollar) minus 99 Lincolns (pennies)
Key 1974 stat: Zero pitches seen
Steady your stomachs, it's time for another Bust recipe:

Pinch of Fresh Herb Washington
1 pinch of fresh rosemary
2 pinches of fresh thyme
3 pinches of fresh oregano
4 pinches of fresh sage
5 pinches of already chewed Skoal
1 dollar bill
Bucket of tears

Mix the fresh herbs, the sickening Skoal and the dollar bill in the bucket of tears. Shake mixture and pour it on the base path, not letting any near the batter's box — ever. Wait for it to do nothing and dry up. Enjoy in an empty stadium in front of as many fans as you'll ever have.

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Name: Domingo Jean
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, movie villain
Value of card: Not nearly as high as this guy's hair
Key career stat: Won one more MLB game than we did
Try this at home: Here's how to make your very own Domingo Jean (not that you'd want to):

5 parts May Day from "A View to a Kill"
2 parts Donatella Versace (namely, her upper lip and lower lip)
1 part film from a VHS cassette of "Coneheads"
1 part rum
1 JCPenney catalog, shredded

Mix the first three ingredients roughly on a Sunday in the Dominican Republic. Sprinkle with the shredded catalog pages, then send the concoction to New York. Drink the rum and try to pretend that you never saw the finished product. Realize that some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. Then, shudder uncontrollably, and you're all done!

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Rob Deer, 1986 Topps

Name: Rob Deer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six deer pellets
Key 1985 stat: Four months of hunting season
Hope you're hungry, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook steamed Rob venison

212 lbs. freshly cleaned Rob venison
14 oz. unkempt mullet mane
6 tbsp. bourbon-infused cheeks
4 pinches unseasoned chin
2 tsp. lip sweaters
Dash of pun

Gently rub the freshly cleaned Rob venison until tender. Add dash of pun. Giggle. Combine venison with mullet mane and toss. Add bourbon-infused cheeks, unseasoned chin and lip sweaters. Boil water. Place venison mixture in massive colander and affix loose-fitting lid. Wait. Wait. Wait. When Rob venison is steamed, run away.

Rob Deer, 1986 Topps

Dan Majerle, 1994 Pacific Crown Collection (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Majerle
Team: Phoenix Suns
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: One "pump" of Majerle's shoes
Key 1994 stat: 13,822 unsold mozzarella sticks
Gym rat infestation: As noted on the above card, Thunder Dan opened Majerle's Sports Grill in Phoenix in 1992. The restaurant is still operating, though the menu has changed since the early '90s. Here's a recipe for one of the less popular opening-day menu items, the Thunder Danish (only Oliver Miller tried it, but that guy would eat anything):

8 oz. of flannel
1 pair of dad jeans
2 cups of flour
6 eggs that are a week past the sell-by date
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 orange shoe lace, minced
1 20-amp fuse, crushed
1 cup of cream cheese

Combine all the ingredients except the cream cheese in a large mixing bowl and slosh around. Remove the jeans and throw them in the dryer until they shrink and harden. Let the mixture sit for five minutes, or until Mark West picks up his first foul, then place the mixture 24 feet from the nearest basketball hoop and yell at it to drive a little more often. Turn on an NBA game and eat the cream cheese with a spoon. Voila!

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Dan Majerle, 1994 Pacific Crown Collection (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 3)

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Name: Lyle Alzado
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 82 piles of bronco leavings
Key 1971 stat: Always a little gassy
Hope you're hungry, because it's recipe time: Here's how to make a delicious meal of fettucine Alzado.

200 pounds of Adam Richman, the guy from "Man Vs. Food"
100 pounds of Chunk from "The Goonies"
1 pound of cold, wet noodles
82 cups of heavy cream
82 cups of grated Parmesan cheese
82 syringes of anabolic steroids

Mix all the ingredients together on a well-worn high school football field, then serve it to a bunch of sweaty offensive linemen. Note that they will likely suffer gastrointestinal issues, because no lineman can fully contain fettucine Alzado.

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 12 pimples
Key 1987 stat: Best bangs this side of the Pecos
Steady your stomachs, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook your very own Mike TenderLoynd.

2 tbsp. Proactiv pimple cream
1 lb. unseasoned horse loin
1 rubber arm
4 oz. ear wax
1 can of Ranch Style Beans
Dash of eyebrow (extra thick)

Rub the Proactiv into one side of the horse loin until it disappears, then beat weakly with the rubber arm. Throw the loin into a dirty pot with the other ingredients, then simmer on medium-low heat for 26 games or until ERA reaches 6.00. Plate and then serve to the opposing team, as they always feast on Loynd.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Mark Dewey, 1995 Mother's Cookies

Name: Mark Dewey
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 cookie crumbs
Key 1994 stat: 14 trysts with the Cookie Monster
How do you make a Mark Dewey? Mark Dewey was a special player, and the 1995 Mother's Cookies set was a special set. When these two come together, you get a recipe for disaster.

The Mark Dewey
2 pounds unwashed mullet hair
15 ounces bent baseball cap
11 ounces arm fuzz
3 repeating Mizuno logos
2 elf ears
0 pitching talent

Mix ingredients on a mediocre team in an empty stadium. Let sit on the bench for 162 games. Spit out cookies. Throw in garbage. Repeat.

Mark Dewey, 1995 Mother's Cookies

Glenn Williams, 1994 Upper Deck International Flavor

Name: Glenn Williams
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Team Canberra
Position: Third base
Value of card: In Australian dollars, still nothing
Key 1993 stat: Constantly astounded at how the toilets swirl the other way here
The Bust cookbook: Here's how to create your own Glenn Williams international flavor.

1 lb. kangaroo tongue
3 tbsp. grated wristband
2 n's
4 oz. shaved dramatic eyebrow
1 1/2 cups sweat from a baseball uniform worn in the Atlanta July humidity
1 oz. Nutella
1 bat doughnut

Overpay for all ingredients, then combine them in a pine tar-stained catcher's mitt and stir with your hands for 3 minutes. Simmer in a greasy pot over medium-high heat 15 minutes or until fetid. Then cut your losses and send it to Minnesota. The dish will never be hot; you'll know it's done when it's bitter and disappointing.

Glenn Williams, 1994 Upper Deck International Flavor