Mo Vaughn, 1998 Score Spring Training

Name: Mo Vaughn
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 1 cent? It's worth Mo, Mo, Mo (just barely)
Key 1997 stat: 7 minutes spent exercising
Mo Vaughn had a strenuous spring training workout regimen; here are some of his exercises:

• Pick up medicine ball; huck it at teammate whose back is turned.
• Grab 25-pound free weight; fling it through clubhouse window.
• Pick up matching kettle bells; simultaneously bash them upside mascot's head.
• Approach NordicTrack; rip it to pieces.
• Grab Shake Weight; exercise vigorously; choke out teammates making wisecracks.

Mo Vaughn, 1998 Score Spring Training

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Priceless for Mets fans
Key 1986 stat: 1 error; heard about it?
Here's what Bill Buckner stands for:

Boston, give the guy a break.
It's time we moved past 1986.
Leave him alone, for the love of god.
Let's remember him for more than just one play, folks.

Bro, it's getting old.
Under that cap is a sensitive soul in need of forgiveness.
Can't we see this player for the man he was?
Kind, gentle, compassionate, eyebrowed.
Never forget: The mustache makes the man.
Error aside, that chest hair is the real flub.
Ripping on his assortment of different kinds of hair, instead of the error, is doing the man a service.

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dizzy Trout, Steve Trout
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Ask your father
Key 1984 stat: 14 loving embraces between father and son
It's time for a family-friendly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: 1950s math teacher glasses (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 2: Feathered coif that could feel at home atop the head of a 1980s all-woman pop-rock group (Winner: Steve)
Round 3: Ears that are threatening to take flight (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 4: Symmetrical eyes that don't beg for the nickname "Dizzy" (Winner: Steve)
Round 5: Honor of being immortalized in a work-of-art illustration (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 6: Possibly, maybe, seemingly racist logo on the card (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 7: Fishy last name (Winner: Tie)

Score: Dizzy 4, Steve 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle between a couple of Trouts, the big fish comes out on top thanks in part to some little weird red dude swinging big lumber with a bigger chin.

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Dwight Evans, 1979 Topps

Name: Dwight Evans
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One red sock, mixed in with a load of whites, staining your undershirts pick
Key 1978 stat: 107 drunken hugs from Red Sox fans
Some things you might not know about Dwight Evans:

• Batted .212 before mustache; batted .315 with mustache
• Nicknamed "Dewey" because he once lost to a pitcher named Truman
• Despite ridiculous rumors, was not married to Darrell Evans
• Was a Silver Slugger, Gold Glover and Bronzed Babe Magnet
• The pose above shows his exact batting stance

Dwight Evans, 1979 Topps

Rob Murphy, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Rob Murphy
Team: Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitcher, IT guy
Value of card: One Angelfire account
Key 1989 stat: Owned three brick cellphones
Sporcle's got nothing on this quiz: Why couldn't Rob Murphy come in to pitch in the eighth inning?

A) He was busy doing research for a paper on LexisNexis
B) He had dropped his laptop on his foot, resulting in an amputation
C) His teammates had stuffed him into a locker after giving him a nuclear wedgie
D) His computer had overheated, putting him on the DL with third-degree groin burns
E) He got his floppy disk stuck in his zipper

Rob Murphy, 1990 Upper Deck

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Name: Sparky Lyle
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1983 - 1967 = 16 cents
Key 1982 stat: 17 times he took an O-Pee-Chee in the dugout corner
It's time for a Super Veteran version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hideous, pseudo-space-age uniform (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 2: 3-inch-deep butt chin (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 3: Honorable mention, Name Hall of Fame (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sideburns Dylan McKay would covet (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Thickness around the midsection (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 6: Fathered 1983 Sparky (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 7: Mustache that just won't stop, just won't quit (Winner: 1983 Sparky)

Score: 1983 Sparky 3, 1967 Sparky 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In the battle of Sparky vs. Sparky, the older, hairier version grabs the victory with a mustache for the ages.

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Wrist tape that's been cut off
Key 1993 stat: Lived up to his nickname of "Ivan the Terrible"
Here's a Caption that maybe ran in the Boston Globe circa May 1993: "After unnecessarily resting one arm on a towel-covered tray and placing a bat suggestively between his legs as he sits on a step, Red Sox outfielder Ivan Calderon stares ardently at the camera while rubbing his upper thigh and attempting to make his head more strongly resemble a mushroom, all while his batting gloves dangle nonchalantly from his rear pocket, Tuesday in Boston."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Bruce Hurst, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Hurst
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Frostbite
Key 1986 stat: NA
Here's what Bruce Hurst stands for:

Bundled up against the cold?
Right, Brucie, we all know you're just hiding a hickey
Unless that's your favorite blankey that your gam-gam made you
Cold weather never made Roger Clemens look like such a wuss
Eh, the steroids probably had something to do with that, though

Hmm, maybe that's some sort of knock-off ascot?
Unfashionable, but warm
Rookie hazing doesn't make people look this silly
Sure, we know it's chilly, but that doesn't change this fact:
Towels as scarves aren't nearly as fun as chicken and beer

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Bruce Hurst, 1987 Topps

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 teeth broken with a hammer
Key 1995 stat: 54 threats to photographer demanding this card be ripped to shreds
10 reasons Roger Clemens is a jerk:
10) Just look at this guy.
9) He worked at a soda stand.
8) He's not; the turtleneck is squeezing his neck so tight it's just making him look like one.
7) He ate the photographer shortly after this picture was taken.
6) He looked at your sister that way.
5) Ask Mike Piazza.
4) He stole that turtleneck from Hall of Fame pitcher Warren Spahn.
3) He strangled that poor ball to death.
2) He chewed out his dentist — with his teeth!
1) He was asked to smile politely before this photo was taken.

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Greg Harris, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Greg Harris
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right-handed pitcher
Value of card: Two sweat-filled Sox
Key 1991 stat: 238 times calling out teammates by pointing
Time for an accusatory pop quiz:

What is Greg Harris saying at this moment?

(A) "No, no, no. You look like an idiot."
(B) "What could you possibly be staring at?"
(C) "Anyone seen my glove?"
(D) "Like my Unabomber impression?"
(E) "Point you, pal. Point you."
(F) "These glasses are so dark I can't see myself in the mirror."
(G) "You making fun of my mustache? No, well all right then."
(H) "You'd take that back if you saw me catch a hard line drive like this."
(I) None of the above.

Greg Harris, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Florida Marlins? Boston Red Sox? It's hard to say
Positions: Shortstop, second-string mascot
Value of card: A patch of crimson fuzz
Key 2005 stat: Stole Mickey Hatcher's glove
Caption that may have run with the above photo in the Boston Globe circa 2006: "Recent Red Sox acquisition Alex Gonzalez has been struggling to acclimate to his new team. Above, during Tuesday's game against the Rays, Gonzalez is seen refusing to wear his Red Sox uniform or a regulation glove while his sister stands at his side, costumed as the shortstop's favorite childhood cartoon character, Mr. Jiggles, the world's fattest parrot."

Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Name: Dwight Evans
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right field
Value of card: Coffee grounds from the garbage can
Key 1986 stat: Got the worm
Opening Day overachiever: As noted on the above card, Dwight Evans holds the record for the earliest home run in a season, hitting one out on the first pitch of the first game of the year. Here are some other records and achievements that belong to Evans:

• Earliest bulge, season
• Most times called "shotgun," lifetime
• First beer chugged, Roger Clemens' 23rd birthday party
• First person to touch Mookie Wilson's 10th-inning grounder, Game 6 of the '86 World Series
• Caused the most collectors to say, "That deserves a card?" all time

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Names: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden and Roger, um, "Super K" Clemens
Teams: New York Mets and Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One staged handshake
Key 1986 stat: So, so many illegal substances
Let's get these two disgraced aces into a Matchup:

Round 1: Looking at the camera (Winner: Tie     neither)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 3: Future drug-related controversies (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Future loathing from two fan bases (Winner: Super K)
Round 5: Actual nickname used on card (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 6: About to fall asleep (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 7: Better record in the 1986 World Series (Winner: Super K     0-0, compared to Dr. K's 0-2)

Final score: Dr. K 3, Super K 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Clemens seemed doomed from the beginning, considering Fleer just made up a nickname for him on this card. Really, Fleer, you never heard of "The Rocket"? Still, it was a close battle, with Gooden's bulge helping to provide the winning margin. At least Buckner wasn't to blame this time.

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Greg Blosser, 1992 Bowman

Name: Greg Blosser
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six bottle caps flattened with a steamroller and stuck in asphalt
Key 1991 stat: 46 resumes submitted
10 reasons Greg Blosser didn't get the job at the local cellphone store:
10) He forgot to wear pants to the interview.
9) The interviewer was afraid of invisible facial hair.
8) The diamond on his shirt pocket read, "Bosses are for suckers."
7) He said he would only sell "the Zack Morris special."
6) Two words: mullet intimidation.
5) He shouldn't have submitted a Sears portrait in place of a resume
4) His Arizona jeans collared shirt interfered with cellphone reception.
3) The interviewer didn't like that he partied, even if it was only a party in the back and business in the front.
2) His grandfather interrupted the interview and asked for his tie back.
1) He said he played baseball; the interviewer laughed him out of the room.

Greg Blosser, 1992 Bowman

Wade Boggs, 1986 Classic

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Third base
Value of card: 11 bare bones from already eaten chicken wings
Key 1985 stats: 64 Miller Lites drank on a cross-country flight
Wade Boggs, apparently, was a prop comic. Here are some of his "jokes":

• Carry around a rubber chicken; swing it like a baseball bat at underhand pitches. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Set up a bunch of watermelons; smash them with a baseball bat all over the crowd. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Put on a batting helmet, a batting helmet with an "arrow" through it. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Take a seat on the dugout bench after striking out; sit on a whoopee cushion. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Insert a big pinch of chewing tobacco — in front of chattering teeth. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Slowly move across the diamond with an extended collar and leash; say you're walking an invisible rubber chicken. Drink a Miller Lite. 

Wade Boggs, 1986 Classic

Joe Morgan, 1989 Topps

Name: Joe Morgan
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Manager
Value of card: A bowl of "tomato soup" (actually just a whole tomato in a bowl of warm water)
Key 1988 stat: Saddest eyes in the American League
Fun facts about former Red Sox manager Joe Morgan and Reds Hall-of-Famer Joe Morgan:

• Red Sox Joe Morgan hit .191 in 88 big-league games during his career. Reds Joe Morgan had somewhat better statistics.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan was fired after four seasons despite winning two division titles in that span. Reds Joe Morgan lasted 21 years as an announcer for ESPN despite having just two good calls the entire time.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan spent much of his time sitting on the bench. Reds Joe Morgan once sat on Johnny Bench, after the catcher had fallen asleep in the locker room.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan managed one of the game's all-time leading jerks. Reds Joe Morgan played with one of the league's all-time leading jerks.

Joe Morgan, 1989 Topps

Dick Pole, 1976 Topps

Name: Dick Pole
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six socks in need of laundering
Key 1975 stat: One enshrinement in the Name Hall of Fame
Welcome to the Name Hall of Fame: Dick Pole, we salute you. You, good sir, are an American legend — a man with a mullet who will let you know it. Your mustache is sculpted, as are your pristine eyebrows. Your feathered locks wave in the wind like Old Glory herself. And then there's your name, a gift from your mother and father bestowed on the country and millions of fans of the national pastime. It's a name so simple, so classic, that it will never be duplicated. Two names, eight letters, one big thank-you. Yes, thank you, Dick Pole, for never tucking your name between your legs and going by "Richard."

Dick Pole, 1976 Topps

John Valentin, 1995 Topps Embossed (Valentine's Day Special)

Name: John Valentin
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One embossing tool, snapped in half
Key 1994 stat: Alone on Feb. 14 (and most other days)
In honor of Valentine's Day, here's a romantic pop quiz: What's John Valentin doing in the above photo?

A) Sanding his handle
B) Scrubbing his shaft
C) Buffing his bat
D) Caressing his cudgel
E) Wearing out his wood
F) Celebrating Valentine's Day the only way he knows how

John Valentin, 1995 Topps Embossed (Valentine's Day Special)

Bob Stanley, 1989 Donruss

Name: Bob Stanley
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Uhhhhhhh ...
Key 1988 stat: No wild pitches in the World Series
Actual conversation between Donruss photographer and Bob Stanley before the above photo was taken:

Donruss photog: "Good afternoon, Mr. Stanley, are you ready to have your photo taken?"
Bob Stanley: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "Um, is that a yes? And you should close your mouth      you'll catch flies. Ha, just kidding!"
BS: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "Ohhhh-kay! I'm just gonna go ahead and snap a couple shots. That is your index finger sticking out of your glove, right?"
BS: "Uhhhhh ..."
DP: "Riiiight. Mr. Stanley, are you feeling OK? Do you smell oranges?"
BS: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "ARE YOU HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY? All right, you just stay here. I'll see if I can find the team doctor."
BS: "Uhhhh ..."

Bob Stanley, 1989 Donruss

Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dennis Lamp
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six burnt-out light bulbs
Key 1988 stat: 16-pound mustache
Time for a comparative pop quiz:

What's the difference between Dennis Lamp and a lamp?

(A) Sometimes, a lamp is on.
(B) A lamp always wears lampshades, not just at parties.
(C) A lamp is an inanimate object without a personality.
(D) A lamp doesn't show up to work looking like the hobo the other hobos threw off the train car because of his grooming habits, or lack thereof.
(E) All of the above, minus C.

Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss