Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1997 stat: 72 hours spent fake stretching
It's time for a "Prime Time" pop quiz:

What's the biggest stretch on this card?

(A) Those shades.
(B) Deion's attempt at a pregame work ethic.
(C) Deion as a baseball player.
(D) That dude in the back right clearly doing whatever he can to make a mockery of this card.
(E) All of the above.

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dave Concepcion
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 flakes of cigarette ash
Key 1983 stat: Zero minutes hanging in a museum
Welcome to Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week: Once again, we'd like to apologize. We've brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings, God-Awful Diamond Kings, Dreadful Diamond Kings, Horrendous Diamond Kings, Disturbing Diamond Kings and Diamond Kings we just had to apologize for. But now, our greatest latest set of Donruss' premier only painted subset: Diamond Kings that are so frightening, they'll haunt your dreams. Enjoy!
Don't fall asleep: You may be getting tired, but we'd stay away from bed. You never know when "Crazy Eyes" Concepcion might be lurking in the shadows, ready to render you unconscious with the chloroform-soaked rag tucked into his batting helmet. Concepcion might have been slick in the field, but he was slicker when covered in the blood of his victims, especially after he wore the "Texas Chainsaw"-style flesh mask pictured above. Consider yourself forewarned: Don't sleep on this Diamond King.

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Hal Morris, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First base
Value of card: It's worth more if you burn it
Key 1994 stat: 11 mediocre sports writers who nicknamed him "Hal 9000"
Some things you might not know about Hal Morris that his card explains:

• Turtlenecks made him so hot, it would catch his face on fire.
• He had a a red mustache.
• He was a member of the Fantastic 4.
• He took playing for the Reds quite literally.
• He had an eyebrow that tried to escape.

Hal Morris, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Eric Davis
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A (Diamond) King's randsom (sooo, nothing)
Key 1986 stat: 67 yards rushing
Please calm down, Mr. Davis: Man, Eric Davis is heated. Look at the guy. He's ready to jump through the card and rip off your face. But you're not to blame. He's upset with the esteemed Dick Perez, the artist behind hundreds of Diamond Kings, including this one. You have to understand, Mr. Davis doesn't like the insinuation that he plays tennis, checkers or "Tron," as the background of the card seems to imply. He doesn't like the misshapen stirrups on the misshapen legs of his miniature self. And he definitely doesn't like being portrayed as an angry guy. That makes him friggin' furious. Grrrr.

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Name: Mario Soto
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Soto? More like so low.
Key 1981 stat: Signed name as "Mario Sota" every third time just to mess with people
Clearing up some rumors about Mario Soto:

• Mario Soto was not angry in the above photo. He was just straining all of his head and face muscles under the weight of all that hair.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, refuse to call his undershirt in this picture a "turtleneck." He instead called it an "afrosweater."
• Mario Soto did not use bobby pins to keep his hat atop his head. He used Superglue.
• Mario Soto did not have a family of robins living in his hair. It was just a single robin who was afraid of commitment.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, use his afro to once catch a line drive. He also used it to catch taxis, trout, the attention of ladies and, one time, the clap.

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene "Motoroboat" Jones
Team: Chatanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fish hook stuck in your finger
Key 1993 stat: Did not own a motor boat
This pop quiz is taking on water: How did Motorboat Jones get his name?

(A) Constant flatulence
(B) He carried an aroma of fish guts and sea captains
(C) A series of sexual harassment suits involving his face and women's cleavage
(D) Teams that purchased his contract always regretted it within a few months and rarely used him
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs 

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Jose Rijo, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jose Rijo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $5? No way, Jose
Key 1994 stat: One letter away from a Reds player with the last name "Rojo"
It's time for a shady pop quiz:

Why is Jose Rijo wearing those sunglasses?

(A) He pulled them out of a box of Honey Smacks.
(B) He was a huge P.M. Dawn fan.
(C) He always viewed the world through rose-colored glasses, so what the hell.
(D) He just returned from guest starring on "A Different World."
(E) All of the above.

Jose Rijo, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Calvin Reese, 1992 Bowman

Name: Calvin Reese
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Second base
Value of card: 48 hairs on the ground after making a flat top line
Key 1991 stat: 287,971 times called "Pokey" in his career; one time called "Calvin"
It's time for a kid-friendly pop quiz:

What was Calvin "Pokey" Reese doing 20 minutes before this photo was taken?

(A) Watching Saturday morning cartoons
(B) Eating cereal with marshmallow monsters in it
(C) Changing out of his Little League uniform
(D) Convincing his mom he was really going to a baseball card photo shoot
(E) All of the above

Calvin Reese, 1992 Bowman

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Brandon Phillips
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Second base
Value of card: One beaten-to-hell baseball glove, spray-painted gold
Key 2008 stat: Zero magic spells cast
Let's hand out some awards: As noted on this card, Brandon Phillips won a Gold Glove in 2008. Here are some other honors he's received.

• National League All-Hula Team, 2008
• Worst camouflage, Field and Stream magazine
• Participation ribbon, 2008 Hamilton County Fair Pie Eating Contest
• Elected vice president of the Greater Ohio Shiny Red Belt Society
• Customer of the month, June 2008, Big Jim's Wristband Emporium

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of cards: Two tabs, bro
Key 2000 stat: Wait, wait, wait, bro; you mean we're in the year 2000? Whoa.
Duuuuuuuude: "Whoa, man. What are you doing over there, man? You're like glowing and stuff, man. Oh ... my ... gosh, dude. You're, like, covered in colors. Dude, this is so trippy. And what are you wearing, man? Is this some kind of a renaissance fair or something? You look like a knight. What do you call a knight at night? I don't even know, dude. Huh-huh. That's hilarious. You have a mask on from that one movie, what's it called? 'Hannibal Lecture'? Yeah, man. You look crazy, man. Why are you so, like, squatty? Huh-huh. Squatty. What does that even mean? I don't know what I'm saying. ... My skin is melting. ... I need to find a bench, man."

Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Name: Pete Rose
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield/infield/child laborer
Value of card: A 5-year-old's drawing of poop
Key 1977 (maybe) stat: Never actually looked like this
Just stellar work, Upper Deck: What the hell is this? We thought these illustrations were supposed to be life-like. Instead, we've got what appears to be an oil painting made by a sixth-grader of Pete Rose wearing a velour track suit and a gold watch. What, is he Tony Soprano's dimwit underage bodyguard? It seems as though Rose has gnawed off the outer edges of those bat barrels like a beaver and mashed the damp shavings together to create the wig on his head. And is that a baseball glove he's carrying in his other hand? It looks more like some sort of poorly constructed wicker basket. At least the look on Rose's face seems legitimate, although it's more likely that he had that expression of disappointment and constipation after viewing this portrait. Really, excellent job, fellas.

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Burnt polyester
Key 2011 stat: Didn't wear that suit (hopefully)
Welcome to Goodwin Champions Week: Card companies lately have felt the urge to return to their roots, creating sets based on turn-of-the-20th-century tobacco cards. Topps has done it with Allen & Ginter's, and in recent years, Upper Deck has responded with a product called Goodwin Champions. The problem, as you can see above, is that the Goodwin Champions cards tend to feature athletes from all eras looking absolutely ridiculous. All week, we'll be bringing you some of the weirdest this set has had to offer, but first, a surgeon general's warning: Viewing some of these creations may lead to nausea.
Time to get Benched: Here's the good, bad and ugly of this Johnny Bench card.

The good: Brought enough lapel to share with his friends.
The bad: Is that a hairstyle or a family of chinchillas on his scalp?
The ugly: Not only did he shoot the couch to make that suit, he gunned down his best bed linens for that shirt.

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Steve Foster, 1992 Classic

Name: Steve Foster
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1991 stat: Three Cooper gloves owned; yes, Cooper made three baseball gloves in 1992
Intimidation: "Hey, you there. Look at me. Look into these eyes. That's right. I'm Steve Foster, the incredible staring reliever, and I'm here to haunt your dreams. Think I'll look away? Wrong. Think I'll wear a hat that fits? Wrong. Think I'll sport an awesome mock turtleneck? Right. And don't even think about mocking it. Have I looked away? No chance. I'm peering deep into your eyes, into your soul, into that space in your heart you save for creepy rookie Reds relievers who wear 'all-star' windbreakers despite not making an all-star team since high school. Yeah, I said 'windbreaker,' and I just broke wind. What of it? And, yeah, I'm still looking at you. Gaze upon me, and have a good night. Sweet dreams."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Steve Foster, 1992 Classic

Rob Dibble, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 5)

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Reliever
Value of card: It's nasty
Key 1991 stat: 999 times being nasty
Rob Dibble is talking to you: "Yo. I'm Rob Dibble, and I'm a Nasty Boy. That's right, I'm nasty. How nasty? I like to swim in raw sewage. I enjoy cleaning my teeth with motor oil dipsticks. I live in a trash bin, in a junkyard, in Detroit. Yeah, I'm nasty. I once wore Norm Charlton's jockstrap as a necklace, and stored my hard-boiled eggs in Randy Myers' tighty-whities. Yeah! Nasty! For breakfast, I have whatever's rotting. For lunch, I throw up in my mouth. For dinner, Hawaiian barbecue. Ooh, yeah. That's nasty. I once saw John Kruk in the nude. I took a photo. I put it in my locker. Next to a lock of his chest hair. Oooooh, nasty! Like my gelled-up hair? Guess what: It's not gel. Nasty boy! Oooooh, so nasty. Tell Marge Schott I'm game. Nasty!"

Rob Dibble, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 5)

Kurt Stillwell, 1986 Topps

Name: Kurt Stillwell
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: This 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell card is worth as much as two other 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell cards. Why? Because they're all worthless
Key 1985 stat: 4,213 Bloods gang members who owned this jacket
It's time for a blinding-red pop quiz:

How could there be more red on this card?

(A) Stillwell could be a forever-cursed full ginger rather than a forever-cursed half ginger
(B) The whites of Stillwell's eyes could be red, just like the whites of the eyes of all who looked at this card
(C) Stillwell could have been exposed as a Soviet spy 10 seconds before this photo was taken
(D) More zits.
(E) All of the above.

Kurt Stillwell, 1986 Topps

Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First baseman
Value of card: The little rubber "W" in in racket strings
Key 1991 stat: Never actually played tennis
Things are about to get punderful: Sure, everyone knows Hal Morris was aces at the plate, but for a long time, there was one area where he wasn't king of the court: love. He cast his net at women of all ages      40, 30, even 15 once, though her father told Hal to bounce      but he was consistently left playing with his own fuzzy balls. He aimed to serve the ladies however he could, but they would just end up taking a swing at him. His failures left him high-strung, always set on finding fault. Angry, he slammed his fist into the wall, creating quite a racket. But just when he was about to retire and play singles for the rest of his life, along came a Czechoslovakian stunner named Martina whose game was the perfect match for his own.

Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Name: Ted Kluszewski
Team: Cincinnati Redlegs
Position: First base
Value of card: (Kluszewski flexes, then says, "How 'bout this?")
Key 1956 stat: (Kluszewski chops wood, then turns, stares at you, and spits.)
Feast your eyes on a man: Bow down, you pathetic coward. For you are staring at Ted Kluszewski, the manliest of men to ever put on a uniform and tear it to shreds as he flexed. This is the essence of man, the personification of all your fears and self-loathing — and desires. His chin once made Kurt Douglas' chin cry during a chin fight. His forearms were used as models for a sailor named Popeye. His eyebrows' daily sheddings formed herds of Sasquatches. You think those arms are big? You're right, sissy; that bat weighs 78 pounds. His sleeves? They were rightfully frightened and never showed up to the photo session. That last name? It worked as a loan shark's muscle when Kluszewski slept. Bottom line: This guy is such a man, the owners of the Cincinnati Redlegs took one look at Kluszewski's arms and decided the team's name no longer worked.

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Jose Rijo, 1997 Topps

Name: Jose "Hose-ay" Rijo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Groundskeeper
Value of card: A drink from Jose's hose
Key 1996 stat: 162 basepaths raked
Not-so-key contributor: Reds pitcher Jose Rijo missed the entire 1996 season (and the four seasons after that) because of a serious elbow injury. However, that didn't keep Rijo away from Riverfront Stadium. The hurler would work on rehabbing his arm in the morning and then make his way to the ballpark in the afternoon, where he would don a groundskeeper's outfit and grab a hose, just to be part of the team. Rijo would then merrily make his way around the infield, spraying as he went. None of his teammates had the heart to tell the poor guy that the field's surface was Astroturf.

Jose Rijo, 1997 Topps

Jeff Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Reed
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One broken reed from an oboe
Key 1988 stat: One red batting glove, one blue batting glove
Let's poke some holes in this guy's story with a pop quiz: We see "ou," but what's the full slogan on Jeff Reed's undershirt?

A) Double Weight Eyeglass Depot
B) You Can't Make Me Get A Haircut
C) You Shouldn't Mesh With Me, Buddy
D) Soup Is Delicious
E) International House of Aftershave

Jeff Reed, 1989 Donruss

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)

Name: Dmitri Young (still)
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Temporary blindness
Key 2001 stat: Dirt in mouth for the next three days
Mr. Young gets The Caption treatment: "Cincinnati Reds outfielder Dmitri 'Da Meat Hook' Young watches his helmet tumble away while simultaneously sliding into third base through a pile of kitty litter and doing the dance known as the worm. After the game, Young said he was planning to patent the maneuver, which he called 'The Slirm,' and hire a stable of semi-literate attorneys to threaten creators of the television show 'Futurama' with a copyright-infringement lawsuit."

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)