Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Name: Ricky Ervins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: See that bracelet? Even less than that
Key 1992 stat: One fine for indecent exposure at the neighborhood park
Black belt in awkwardness: Here are a few martial arts that Ricky Ervins enjoyed.

• Topless taekowndo
• Kitless krav maga
• Unclothed karate
• Au naturel aikido
• Manflesh muay thai
• Nude-o judo

Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Name: Myron Pottios
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: M_ddle linebacker
Value of card: 3 ounces of backwashed squeeze bottle water
Key 1972 stat: Zero minutes of playing time
Top 10 reasons Myron Pottios got benched:
10) Too many toilet humor insults were hurled at him because of his last name.
9) He didn't want to make other players jealous of his hairdo.
8) He was so sad he couldn't peel himself off the bench.
7) Too many pads.
6) He had to take a shot of vodka out of a striped paper cup.
5) He was busy starring as Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House."
4) Chin was too deadly a weapon for a football field.
3) Couldn't fit his helmet over his sideburns.
2) He didn't believe in playing for a team whose name was considered a racist slur by the people it was meant to represent.
1) The team didn't have a position for a m_ddle linebacker.

Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Gary Clark, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 58)

Name: Gary Clark
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A reflection of a nickel
Key 1992 stat: Two floating heads
A shameful pop quiz: What is Gary Clark thinking about?

A) That Lionel Richie song
B) What he and his identical twin did to end up in jail
C) Touchdowns, baby. Touchdowns.
D) Why John Riggins won't stop wearing that racist headdress
E) All of the above

Gary Clark, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 58)

Earnest Byner, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 55)

Name: Earnest Byner
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: Earnestly ... nothing
Key 1990 stat: 761,964 stretches
Some of the sounds and words Earnest Byner uttered during this stretching session:

• Ooooh
• Ahhhhh
• Feel it. Feel it. Feel it.
• Oooooh, yeah.
• Thigh power. Thigh power, baby.
• Hey, who are you and why are you taking my picture?
• I've been really trying, baby. Trying to hold back these feelings for so long. And if you feel, like I feel baby. Come on, oh come on. Let's get it on.
• Ya-ouch! Groin pull!

Earnest Byner, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 55)

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Jim Lachey, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 33)

Name: Jim Lachey
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of wet cardboard
Key 1990 stat: 671 stripes

Time for a shameful pop quiz:

Just how loud are Jim Lachey's pants?

(A) What's that?
(B) I'm sorry, say it again.
(C) No, again. Please. I can't hear you.
(D) For the love of god, you'll need to speak much, much louder.
(E) All of the above.

Jim Lachey, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 33)

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Name: Joe Lavender
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: If we told you, you'd be blue
Key 1980 stat: 28 times taking the field dressed like this
We heard it through the lavender vine: Man, Joe Lavender was a cool dude. Check out those glasses. And that headband. And that beard. But what you might not know — despite the radical blue microphone on this card — is that Joe Lavender was the lead singer of an early 1980s funk-soul group, The Head Band. All the members wore sunglasses and football jerseys and, of course, headbands. They were, so to speak, a colorful group. Put your hands together for the members of The Head Band:

• Tony Turquoise
• Ron Burgundy
• Ferdinand Goldenrod
• Penny Peach
• Hugo Silver
• Black Jack
• George Washington Redskin

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Moses Denson, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 152)

Name: Moses Denson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: 21 dead locusts
Key 1974 stat: 40 years wandering the desert
Pray to Him for a card this good: Hold on. Just hold on a second, Topps. You think you're pretty funny, don't ya? So funny. Just so, so funny. Here we have Moses Denson, a fine 1970s running back. But his statistics and performance on the field don't matter. Just look at that name. Now toss out the last name. Yes, we're looking solely at "Moses." Moses, he of the 10 Commandments. He of Mount Sinai. He of the Red Sea. Hmm, the Red Sea. The gigantic body of water that the biblical Moses parted. And here we have modern-day Moses, who, by the grace of God, has parted his beard and hair in the same manner that biblical Moses parted a sea. Well played, Topps. Well played, Moses. Suck on that, Heston.

Moses Denson, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 152)

Chris Hanburger, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 151)

Name: Chris Hanburger (at left, we think)
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the money in a wishing well (coins excluded)
Key 1973 stat: Led the league in booty
Chris Hanburger's pep talk to his teammates in the above photo: "Men, it seems like we've been playing catch-up all season long, getting ourselves in a pickle game after game. And because we haven't been playing our buns off, our record isn't one to relish. But that doesn't mean anyone's going to come out here and let us win! Look at the Patriots, over there, thinking they can grill us even if they're dressed like a marching band and carrying a flag around. I've got a real beef with them, and you should, too! It's about time we mustered up some courage and strength, so that at the end of the day we can earn a rare victory and consider this a job well done!"

Chris Hanburger, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 151)

Don Warren, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 6)

Name: Don Warren
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Tight end (Right, ladies?)
Value of card: Even trade for three rides on a kiddie carousel outside the grocery store
Key 1990 stat: 78 pieces of clothing featuring a racist logo
Don Warren's train of thought from 10:12 to 10:14 a.m. Sunday, Sept. 16, 1990: "Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Ball go high! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee!"

Don Warren, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 6)

Heath Shuler, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 108)

Name: Heath Shuler
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dirty feather
Key 1994 stat: More interceptions than touchdowns
Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Heath Shuler, circa 1994: "He bears a resemblance to John Elway, so that's gotta be worth at least a couple wins a year right there. ... As part of his contract, he wants a new bowl to use during his haircuts. ... He's really into Ace of Base. No, seriously, he carries around a sign that says "I saw the sign." It's just weird. ... At the very least, he'll lead the league in arm hair. ... This kid's got an arm like a cannon: old, rusted and obsolete. ... For his next football card, we should make him dress up in an offensive outfit."

Heath Shuler, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 108)

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 99)

Name: Tre Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Guard
Value of card: Tre cents
Key 1993 stat: 66-pound head
Redskins' scouting report on rookie Tre Johnson: "We like any draft pick with a name from "Boyz n the Hood," though this guy looks more like a 'Doughboy.' ... Smart kid? Well, his brain weighs a lot, at least. ... The size of this kid's head will distract many people from our offensive mascot. ... We'll have to play him; he ate the starter. ... Wow. This player runs a 4.2 40. Excuse me, a 44.2. ... If he doesn't work out on the football field, we could recoup some of our investment from his guaranteed success on the sumo circuit."

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 99)

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)

Name: Ken "Jackhammer" Harvey
Team: Washington Shredskins
Positions: Linebacker, construction worker
Fright value of card: Seven minutes of jackin' (uh, what?)
Key 1993 splat: Zero Halloween party invitations
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Harvey's costume: 

• Harvey didn't wear a costume dripping with sexual innuendo. He literally and figuratively beat you over the head with it.
• Harvey didn't carry around a giant tool at all times. He was a giant tool at all times.
• Harvey, the construction laborer, didn't work on the streets of D.C. His sister did.
• Harvey didn't thrust the tip of his massive tool into things. He was busy riding a weird-looking pogo stick.
• Harvey's choice to wear the costume wasn't a bright idea. That was a glowing penis, not a light bulb, atop his helmet.

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)

Heath Shuler, 1994 Pacific Collection (Football Friday No. 96)

Name: Heath Shuler
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One Blockbuster Video rental card
Key 1994 stat: Zero good reviews
A compilation of movie critics' takes on Heath Shuler's rookie season: "Congress isn't the only thing hated in Washington these days. ... There was a lot of hype surrounding Heath Shuler when he came out, but now it's defenders that are surrounding him. ... What was promised to be a stunning show of grace and athleticism has turned into a sorry display filled with disappointment, disinterest and disaster. ... This player, once thought of as an award-season pick, has fumbled those chances away, along with the ball. ... Two thumbs up? More like two middle fingers. ... Do yourself a favor: Buy a Heath bar at the concession stand and avoid the show."

Heath Shuler, 1994 Pacific Collection (Football Friday No. 96)

Chip Lohmiller, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 3)

Name: Chip Lohmiller
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: A coupon for 50 cents off Rogaine
Key 1991 stat: One knot on head
Look out, above: There Chip Lohmiller was, having fun with the Pro Line crew, dancing the "YMCA" and showing off his new gray undershirt. Little did he know Redskins punter Kelly Goodburn was having a little fun of his own. Goodburn started aiming a few kicks into the middle of the shoot, throwing off Lohmiller's rhythm. "Knock it off!" Lohmiller yelled at him. "This is why you're not getting a card in this set, you jerk!" Lohmiller resumed dancing and posing, and the photog started snapping away. Among the shots he got was this one, taken half a second before one of Goodburn's punts landed directly on Lohmiller's hair peninsula, knocking him out cold. Thankfully, this was before the NFL cared about concussions, so the kicker was back at practice the next day, a little wobbly, but booting field goals and out-mamboing all comers.

Chip Lohmiller, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 3)

John Riggins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 91)

Name: John Riggins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Retired running back
Value of card: Shame
Key 1991 stat: One leather-banded wristwatch
We gotta know:


What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Well, duh.
B) Without even fully seeing it, we're pretty sure it's the tie.
C) A sport coat in team colors? Tacky!
D) The fact that John Riggins hadn't played in six years.
E) All of the above.

John Riggins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 91)

Charles Mann, 1991 Topps (Football Friday No. 63)

Name: Charles Mann
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: A scoop of moldy cat food
Key 1990 stat: Every primary color put on this card, plus a few secondary ones
Clearing up a few rumors about Charles Mann:

• In this photo, he can not actually see the little football in the lower right of the card. If he could, he would, actually, probably want to eat it.
• His hair was not intentionally sculpted to make him look like one of those giant heads on Easter Island.
• He hated being called "Chuck."
• He was not, in fact, constantly angry. He was just constipated.
• To this day, he could still sack the hell out of you.
• He was, in fact, the man.

Charles Mann, 1991 Topps (Football Friday No. 63)

Heath Shuler, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounders (Football Friday No. 53)

Name: Heath Shuler

Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One Tandy computer
Key 1993 stat: One CAD program learned
Three-dimensional failure:

What is the worst thing about this card?

A) The background, which looks like a shop class computer program I used in 1994.
B) The red aura around Shuler, which indicates his anger at being trapped in a hologram.
C) The bulge, which indicates Shuler's excitement at being trapped in a hologram.
D) The word "Redskins," which is much better hidden than Heath Shuler's hairless legs.

E) Heath Shuler.

F) All of the above, plus so much more.

Heath Shuler, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounders (Football Friday No. 53)