Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Half-naked outfielder
Value of card: $1.99/minute (must be 18 or older)
Key 1991 stat: Zero hits from a sitting position
We'll be giving you nightmares all week: The Score Dream Team sets of the early 1990s contained some of the most awkward, misdirected and erotic shots ever featured on cardboard. Sounds like a perfect fit for The Bust. Let's get started, shall we?
It worked so well the first time: We could point out that there's a good chance this boudoir shot of Rickey be Rickey was taken from the previous year's photo shoot. Or, we could analyze the dream presented here. Let's see, the stacked bases likely represent the mounting responsibilities you find yourself facing. Rickey's flat top means that you believe you will need to keep a level head to deal with these tasks. The Louisville Slugger signifies, erm, your desire to go to Louisville? Yeah, that's it. And Rickey's near-nudity? I don't know, but maybe you should stop watching so much Cinemax right before bed, buddy.

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One click for a "You Suck at Photoshop" video
Key 1988 stat: Once referred to himself in the fourth person
It's a popularity contest: What was Rickey Henderson's best feature?

A) His blinding speed
B) That cute little scowl
C) His stirrups
D) His humility
E) Booty!

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Names: Rickey Henderson, Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two bullet casings from the streets of Oakland
Key 1991 stat: Two of the biggest prima donnas in baseball history
It's time for an East Bay Area version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ego large enough for a moon to orbit (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Shiny and sharp flat top (Winner: Henderson)
Round 3: Cascading and coiffed mullet (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Circulation-restricting pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Semi-effeminate neon green batting glove (Winner: Henderson)
Round 6: Vein-plumping wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 7: Eye-raping yellow socks (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Bulge-tastic-ness (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Embarrassing Score Dream Team photo (Winner: Canseco; sorry, Rickey)

Score: Canseco 3, Henderson 2, Ties 4

Synopsis: Wow. The Matchup has never seen a competition featuring such Bust legends. On one side was Rickey Be Rickey, the all-time stolen base leader and the man who proclaimed, "I am the greatest of all time." On the other side was Jose Canseco, the first 40-40 man and perhaps the biggest baseball scumbag of the past quarter-century. The two traded victories, but, in the end, in the battle of shirtless A's, Canseco wins with an A-plus.

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland Athletics
Position: Outfield, outfield, outfield
Value of card: Three. That's it, just three.
Key 1990 stat: Real fast
Here's a good one:

Q: How many Rickey Hendersons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Rickey doesn't think you should care, because when Rickey's done with it, it's gonna be the greatest light bulb of all time.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 ounces of eraser rubbings
Key 1990 stat: 169-pound head, 4-pound brain
Here we go again: We've seen this before. An illustrated card on which the player is given a giant head. How original. One bright spot: This card reminded us here at the Bust of "NBA Jam," particularly the big-head code. So, rather than spend another second on this ridiculous card, here are our 10 favorite sports video game Easter eggs.

10) "NBA 2K3": Kobe Bryant rape trial minigame
9) "Winning 11 7": Zinedine Zidane headbutt maneuver
8) "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11": "Bar Wench Conqueror" trophy
7) "Madden NFL '94": Picture of O.J. Simpson pops up every time you choose a jailbreak blitz
6) "Wii Sports" tennis game: Nude code for all Miis
5) "Tecmo Super Bowl": Bill Romanowski 'roid rage mode
4) "NHL 2002": Hockey could be played in Phoenix. Like that would ever happen.
3) "Big Bass Fishing": Go off course and "Dueling Banjos" would start playing
2) "Tecmo NBA Basketball": Michael Jordan gambling suspension mode
1) "MLB 2001": Barry Bonds big head mode. Oh, wait, they were just modeling it on real life.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Rickey Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The dirt off his crotch

Key 1993 stat: Three fades a day

10 things Rickey Be Rickey did after this photo was taken, in order:

10) Tipped his cap to himself, in the third person, for literally stealing a base

9) Wiped the dirt off his uniform, focusing for 14 minutes below his belt and above his knees

8) Had the bat boy clean up his fade, which was out of place after sliding into second base

7) Proceeded to locker room, where he slipped base into a duffel bag

6) Got down into a base-stealing crouch and hustled to the shower

5) Slid head-first into his off-the-field clothes

4) Stole a teammate's necklace; stole another teammate's credit card; stole another teammate's wallet

3) Got a sign from the third-base coach and ran home

2) Spoke to himself between two bathroom mirrors, thereby inventing the fourth-person singular pronoun

1) Stole a few winks of sleep

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Rickey Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Left field

Value of card: One silver-dollar necklace

Key 1990 stat: 11 corns on feet

Rickey be Rickey ... everywhere: Rickey Henderson intimidated pitchers from a crouch, a few feet from a base, arms dangling, fingers nearly touching the ground, heels slightly off the dirt and eyes focused. He swiped base after base, earning the nickname "The Man of Steal." But Rickey Be Rickey didn't only hone his game on the diamond. At the supermarket, he'd get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd grab a gallon of milk and, before anyone noticed, he'd be at home, making cereal. In a traffic jam, he'd get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd be at his destination, with other drivers stuck behind his abandoned Ferrari in the fast lane. At home in the morning, above, Rickey would get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd shower, brush his teeth, comb his hair and put on an obnoxious piece of jewelry, all before the alarm finished its first ring. In the bedroom, Rickey would get down in a crouch, focus his eyes on his lover and — whoosh — he'd be snoring with a half-eaten sandwich on his pillow and a smile on his face.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score Dream Team

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Upper Deck Rickey's 1,000th Stolen Base

Name: Rickey "Be Rickey" Henderson

Team: Oakland Athletics

Position: Left field, Thief

Value of card: Free, if stolen

Key 1991 stats: 1,000th stolen base (all in July); one awesome newspaper headline

Grand theft Rickey: Rickey Be Rickey was a burglar. Rickey Be Rickey stole 1,406 bases in his Hall-of-Fame career, and Rickey Be Rickey let everyone within earshot know it. Rickey Be Rickey would steal hot dogs from concession stands between pitches while at bat. Rickey Be Rickey stole hearts in every major league city. Rickey Be Rickey stole signs from opposing teams. Not "curve ball" or "pick-off attempt" hand signs, but actual team signs from locker rooms. Rickey Be Rickey stole identities. During the 1984 season, Rickey Be Rickey successfully disguised himself as Vince Coleman. Rickey Be Rickey didn't steal cars; Rickey Be Rickey stole entire dealerships. Rickey Be Rickey single-handedly stole speaking in the third person from the rest of America. Rickey Be Rickey stole kidneys from tourists in Bangkok, but instead of a knife he used his cleats. Rickey Be Rickey stole royalties and credibility from baseball card companies by scanning card images onto his computer, posting them on a blog and writing moronic stories about them. Rickey Be Rickey was that good.

Card submitted by Clay Deas

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Upper Deck Rickey's 1,000th Stolen Base