Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Names: Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez (feat. Randy Johnson)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles and Seattle Mariners
Positions: Shortstops, future third basemen 
Value of card: General confusion
Key 1995 stat: Zero comic books owned, combined
An illustrative pop quiz: We already know that Cal Ripken's superhero alias is The Ripper. What would A-Rod's be?

(A) The Needler
(B) Mr. April
(C) The Slapper
(D) The Disappointment
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 3 cents a minute
Key 1993 stat: $14,921 monthly phone bill
10 things that Cal Ripken Jr. heard on the phone during this conversation:
10) "We've been talking for 30 seconds. Your arm must be getting tired."
9) "Cal, it's your brother Billy. I wrote something about you on my bat's knob."
8) "Hurry up and miss a game already; you're making everybody look bad."
7) "Please enter a credit card number for 15 more minutes of hot, steamy, unadulterated pillow talk."
6) "Did you buy the phone because it matches your hair color, which matches your cold, gray eyes?"
5) "Cal, it's me, Brian. You talk to Gary or Joe?"
4) "This is Mr. T, foo. Gimme back my necklace."
3) "Sir, is your refrigerator running?"
2) "When you're done with this call, just use the phone as a bat."
1) "Hey, Cal. You just answered the toaster."

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles (about a decade after this photo was taken)
Positions: Shortstop; li'l stinker
Value of card: Two sticks of gum in a pack of baseball cards when Ripken was 11
Key fourth-grade stat: 22 hours in detention
Time for an elementary school pop quiz:

Why was young Cal Ripken Jr. in detention?

(A) He had a terrible attendance record.
(B) He got caught writing the F-word on his brother's bat.
(C) That sweater vest.
(D) He was reading "Iron Man" comic books in class.
(E) All of the above.

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Champagne
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore-area fleabags
Positions: Shortstop, bitch
Value of card: 12 dead fleas
Key 1992 stat: 22 cars chased (Ripken)
It's time for a man-vs.-beast edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: In need of an ambitious brushing (Winner: Ripken)
Round 2: Had to wear one of those cones around his neck after surgery (Winner: Ripken)
Round 3: Once humped the leg of the Orioles mascot (Winner: Ripken)
Round 4: Caught a case of fleas in his "coat" (Winner: Ripken)
Round 5: Enjoys a good scratch behind his ear (Winner: Ripken)
Round 6: Kicks up legs after going No. 2 (Winner: Ripken)
Round 7: Appears to be wearing a collar in this photo (Winner: Ripken)

Score: Ripken 7, Champagne 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: In this battle of man vs. beast, Ripken completes a shutout win, allowing him to partake in the spoils of victory and sip Champagne. (vomit noises)

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Cal Ripken, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 2)

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: A piece of coal
Key 1991 stat: Played chicken with 13 Baltimore-area trains
Hit the snooze button: What does the locomotive symbolize in your bizarre dream about a very stern Cal Ripken?

A) An upcoming journey      probably to the toilet
B) Your lack of control in life      and of your bladder
C) An oncoming disaster      like wetting the bed
D) Your fondness for antiquated technology      like chamber pots
E) Will you just get up and piss already?
F) None of the above      you've passed out in your car again, this time at a railroad crossing. Wake up!

Cal Ripken, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 2)

Billy Ripken, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Billy Ripken

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Positions: Second base, Camera No. 2

Value of card: Payback is priceless

Key 1991 stat: 4.3 megapixels

Turnabout is foul play: Billy Ripken had been planning his revenge for two years. In 1989, he was the butt of the most renowned practical joke in sports card history, infuriating him and his legendary baseball family. Fans of all stripes had spent two years calling him a name that rhymes with "Thuck Face" after a mischievous Fleer photographer wrote the words on the knob of his bat and the card made it into thousands of homes and the collections of countless gleeful children. Ripken channeled his anger into a plan meant to embarrass all sports card photographers to the extent of humiliation he had felt when his Fleer card debuted in 1990. Ripken spent months working on a powerful camera with a lens the size of a watermelon and a zoom that could pierce thin walls and textiles. With the help of a forklift, he brought his giant camera, which he dubbed the "(Expletive) Face 3,000," to early season games in 1991 when sports cards photographers were sure to be shooting. Instead of taking batting practice or fielding ground balls, Ripken aimed his massive lens at the photographers, hoping to catch them unawares in compromising situations. Alas, Ripken wasn't much of a photographer, and because he couldn't lift the camera without the help of a crane he was immobile and unable to follow the shutterbugs. He spent hours focused, one eye closed, the other scanning for his shot, but he never snapped a photo he could use as payback. But his focus and immobility did give his nemesis, the Fleer photographer, the last laugh: After hours behind the camera, Ripken played a game in 1991 with a sign taped to his back that read, "It says (expletive) face on my knob."

Billy Ripken, 1992 Upper Deck

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Names, from bottom left: Frank Thomas, Nolan Ryan, Bo Jackson, Ken Griffey Jr., Cal Ripken Jr.

Teams: Chicago White Sox (Thomas, Jackson), Texas Rangers (Ryan) Seattle Mariners (Griffey), Baltimore Orioles (Ripken)

Positions: First base (Thomas), Pitcher (Ryan), Outfield (Jackson, Griffey), Shortstop (Ripken)

Value of card: 3 ounces of moon rock

Key 1991 stat: Five stars, five descriptions

Five stars in orbit:

Thomasmetrica-35: Found approximately 14 million light years from Earth, Thomasmetrica-35 was a supergiant star, one of the biggest in the universe. It towered over other stars in the American League nebula, its gravitational power hitting its peak in the mid-1990s, before suddenly combusting into a red dwarf star, capable of few of its former feats.

Ryanitoba-5714: One of the oldest stars in the universe, Ryanitoba-5714 is crisscrossed by deep canyons, wrinkle-like, throughout its face. These crevices are actively viewed with the human eye in Texas, but in most other regions its popularity has waned with age.

Bo-hemia-34: This main sequence star is well-known for its fast rotation and the force of its sun bursts. This combination of speed and power has translated into a twofold existence: in the spring and summer, Bo-hemia-34 shrinks and becomes circular, with two endless red ridges; in the fall, it grows and elongates at its poles, sprouts one large white ridge at its center and turns brown. Books have been written about Bo-hemia-34's shape-shifting, only seen in one other major star, Deionistis-7.

Ofgriffey-2: Once a junior star to its closest relative, Ofgriffey-1, Ofgriffey-2 has grown massive, with immense popularity in the field and the ability to send its bursts into orbit. Despite its size, astronomers still refer to it by a nickname, "The Kid."

Ripkenocus-2632: This white dwarf has been counter-rotating at a record pace for 2,632 light years, the longest known counter rotation in the universe. This constant backward rotation has damaged the planets that rely on Ripkenocus-2632, as well as its exoskeleton, but it continues to spin and spin, as if only for assurance the record will never be broken.

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Superhero Insert

Superhero name: The Raper

Alias: Cal Ripken Jr.

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Positions: Shortstop, superhero

Value of card: He'll make sure you get 10 to 20

Key 1992 stat: 143 people "saved"

Extent of costume: Two swipes of eye black

Weapon: Strategically placed phallic baseball bat

Mission: To rid the streets of criminals, just not rapers.

Source of powers: Human growth hormone, mock turtlenecks

Inspiration for "helping" others: Family tradition of abuse

Mortal enemy: Mysterious fir tree-shaped mountain of clouds, always lurking behind him, just out of sight

Slogan cliche alert: In the battle for eternity.

Misplaced punctuation: Period at end of incomplete sentence slogan

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Superhero Insert

Bill "Billy" Ripken, 1989 Fleer

Name: Bill "Billy" Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Second base
Value of card: One Sharpie
Key 1989 stat: 827 strikethroughs
Top 10 things Bill Ripken should have written on his bat knob before this photo by the crack team at Fleer:
10) "Honk if you're horny"
9) "Hold this end"
8) "Pay rent"
7) "Where's the beef?"
6) "Duck face"
5) "Topps rules"
4) "I love you, Paula"
3) "Go Yankees"
2) "Can I start today, Dad?"
1) "Screw Cal"

Bill "Billy" Ripken, 1989 Fleer

Cal Ripken Jr., 2001 special edition

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Third Base
Value of card: One DNP
Key Sept. 3, 2001, stat: Zero consecutive games played
Not making this up: On Sept. 3, 2001, the Baltimore Orioles opened up a three-game set at Oakland. It was widely known that the Iron Man, Cal Ripken Jr., would retire at the end of the season, making every road trip a going-away of sorts. Ballparks around the nation agreed to distribute free Ripken baseball cards to their fans as a way of honoring the owner of the most-consecutive-games streak. The problem on this day? The man of the hour sat out. That's right, baseball's Iron Man took Labor Day off. Fans hoping to catch a baseball hero play one last time — and possibly for the first time — instead got to watch fill-in third baseman Tony Batista go 0-for-3 with a strikeout as the hometown A's won 4-2. While this card itself is not a bust, the story behind it most certainly is.

Card submitted by Dom Calicchio

Cal Ripken Jr., 2001 special edition

Ripken Baseball Family, 1988 Donruss

Names: Billy Ripken, from left, Cal Ripken Sr., Cal Ripken Jr.

Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Second Base, Convalescent Home, Shortstop, respectively

Value of card: 1 cent for each Ripken

Key 1987 stat: None for Billy; many for Cal Jr.

Step 1 is Prevention: Child abuse is no laughing matter. The physical or psychological mistreatment of those younger than 18 happens in thousands of homes across the United States. There are five major categories of child abuse: neglect, physical abuse, psychological-emotional abuse, sexual abuse and baseball abuse. The latter is a growing concern among psychologists and law enforcement agencies. A majority of baseball abuse is the result of a father's dashed dreams of playing professional baseball. A boy becomes a man and longs to become a big leaguer, and when he ends up the manager of a mediocre baseball team in Maryland, he can snap. His eldest son, for instance, may be forced to become obsessed with the game, believing it is his responsibility to never take off a day, usually for about 2,632 games. This affliction can surface in the form of delusions, in which a shortstop turned third baseman, for instance, believes he is an "Iron Man," an archetypal superhero who can bat .323 with 34 home runs and 114 RBIs in 1991. Baseball abuse can also be seen in less talented siblings of "Iron Men," who under the crushing influence of a successful manager father will bounce from team to team over a 12-year career, never hitting more than four home runs in a season.

Ripken Baseball Family, 1988 Donruss