Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Name: Taylor Buchholz
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It ain't worth a buck-(holz)
Key 2007 stat: 712 games of "shadow"
It's time for another edition of ... What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was aware someone was behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware aware it was the Pirate Parrot mascot behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware someone behind him was touching him inappropriately: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was excited about this photo: 45%
Buchholz was embarrassed by this photo: 65%
Buccholz was reliving a decade's worth of childhood nightmares in this photo: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz's relationship with Pirate Parrot was a bit "rocky": 10%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were "two birds of a feather": 90%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were caught in this compromising position more than once: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card was the best card of Buchholz's career: 100%
This moment was the highlight of Buchholz's career: 100%
This bird was embarrassed to no end to be caught with a pitcher of Buchholz's caliber: 100%

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Willie Blair, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Willie Blair
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One framed photo of Blair from "The Facts of Life"
Key career stat: Never had an ERA under 4
Rocky Mountain pop quiz time: What's Willie Blair doing in the above photo?

A) His new dance move, "The Blair Derriere Dare"
B) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for covering first base
C) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for other reasons
D) Trying to entice Andres Galarraga to slap his butt for other reasons
E) Trying to hide from manager Don Baylor after giving up yet another home run

Willie Blair, 1993 Upper Deck

Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: 371426300, Curt Leskanic
Team: Colorado Rockies
Positions: Cyborg, pitcher
Value of card: The last number on his name tag
Key 1994 stat: 16 runtime errors
Curt Leskanic, by the numbers: It's clear from the above photo that Curt Leskanic was a cybernetic organism, serial number 371426300, that was sent back in time to wallow in mediocrity before winning Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. But what does that number signify? Let's break it down.

371: This identifies the manufacturing plant where the cyborg was created, located underground in sub-Saharan Africa, the only place still safe and warm enough to live once the asteroid people find our planet. This is likely the same complex that produced fellow athletic cyborg Matt Riley.
42: The meaning of life, duh.
63: The half-life of the radioactive material powering this man-machine hybrid. Either that, or the rating, out of 10, of the thing's cheekbones. Grrrrowr!
00: The combined value of all baseball cards that Leskanic would appear on. Hey, those future dudes really knew what they were talking about!

Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Bo Bowman, 2010 Bowman

Name: Bo Bowman
Team: Some Colorado Rockies farm team or other
Position: First base
Value of card: Two "Bowmans" (in other words, nothing)
Key 2009 stat: Closest he got to The Show was on PlayStation 3
Fun with words: Bo Bowman boasted that he had a boomstick, but that was baloney. His boring, bowlegged blows in the box and bobbles of the ball left his career in the boneyard. He bottomed out, boarded a boat and now butchers boar in Bolivia.

Bo Bowman, 2010 Bowman

Juan Acevedo, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Acevedo
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six dead AA batteries
Key 1993 stat: Two laps run before passing out
It's time for a musical pop quiz:

What was Juan Acevedo listening to?

(A) "The Garbage Bag Jacket Blues"
(B) A motivational book on tape about stuffing one's pants
(C) Enrique Iglesias, his doppelganger
(D) John Denver's "Rockies Mountain High"
(E) His Walkman rewinding.
(F) All of the above, in that order.

Juan Acevedo, 1994 Upper Deck

Juan Pierre, 2003 Fleer Tradition

Name: Juan Pierre
Team: Colorado Rockies Florida Marlins®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's not worth trading for
Key 2002 stat: Bunted a lot
Great moments in card design: Not too long ago, we highlighted the most boring card set ever produced. Apparently, card designers didn't learn much in the 13 years between that set and this one. Take a bow, Fleer. While the excessive white border is truly thrilling and the program-default sans serif font captures the eye, what really gives this card life (aside from Juan Pierre's mustache) is the dramatic, yellow "TRADED" diamond jutting up into the player's knee. I'm sure that giant block of random color seemed like a good idea at the time       actually, no, I'm not sure of that at all, because it's absolutely hideous. Congrats, Fleer, you've ruined yellow for everyone once again.

Juan Pierre, 2003 Fleer Tradition

Bryn Smith, 1993 Fleer Ultra

Name: Bryn Smith
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: Sonny, when I was your age it was worth ... still nothing, sorry
Key 1992 stat: Two broken hips
10 places you've seen Bryn Smith:
10) In front of your son's shop class, teaching
9) Contemporary Senior Male catalog, modeling short-sleeve mock turtlenecks
8) In a beer, face down
7) Your local chain restaurant, eating dinner when you're eating lunch
6) In your childhood, years ago, when he was still old
5) Right field, Over-60 Softball League, Toledo, Ohio
4) Wrinkle factory, outpacing production by himself
3) "Walker, Texas Ranger," as Chuck Norris' stunt double
2) Front porch, muttering to no one in particular
1) On a mediocre blog, still old

Bryn Smith, 1993 Fleer Ultra

Rod Pedraza, Phil Scneider, 1995 Topps On Deck

Names: Rod Pedraza, Phil Schneider
Team: Colorado Rockies
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: A tar-coated penny
Key 1994 stat: 10,319 stares
It's go time: These guys weren't very good competitors in Colorado, but let's see how they fare in ... The Matchup!

Round 1: Inexplicable rage (Winner: Schneider)
Round 2: Inexplicable facial hair (Winner: Pedraza)
Round 3: Gold chain purchased from a gumball machine (Winner: Schneider)
Round 4: Look of bewilderment (Winner: Pedraza)
Round 5: Eventual games pitched in the majors (Winner: Tied at zero)
Round 6: Eventual career as a closer in Japanese pro baseball (Winner: Pedraza)
Round 7: Jug-handle ears (Winner: Pedraza)

Final score: Pedraza 4, Schneider 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Rod Pedraza didn't have to look overseas to find success in The Matchup. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to run before anger-management-challenged Phil Schneider shows up and kicks our ass.

Rod Pedraza, Phil Scneider, 1995 Topps On Deck

Bret Saberhagen, 1996 Donruss

Name: Bret Saberhagen
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Aging ace
Value of card: Knowing that Bret Saberhagen actually played for the Rockies
Key 1995 stat: Two wins
Bret Saberhagen's dating profile, circa 1996:

Screen name: FormerCy2
Age: Younger than Nolan Ryan
Height: 6'1", but I look taller in purple pinstripes
Weight: 160 lbs., without my cleats on
Hair color: Dirty blond. Very dirty
Hair style: Sweaty mullet
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Religious views: You better pray I don't bean you
Want children? Nah, I only like women 18 and older
Martial status: I believe in pre-marital and post-marital
Best feature: Fastball
Smoke? How does 96 mph sound?
Drink? Not before 8 a.m.

Seeking: Women; a new contract
Location: Wherever I get traded to
Her body type: Anything with teeth
Her ethnicity: Redneck

About me: Everyone says it, but I never pictured myself ending up here. No, not an Internet dating service — Denver. I was a legend! I had it all! Cy Youngs, fans, groupies, all the barbecued brisket I could eat. Now, here I am, on a team that didn't even exist back then. Anyway, needless to say, I'm new in town and could use a friend to help me groom my mullet, line up my pinstripes and get the crumbs out of my goatee. I won't deny I've been around the block a few times, but there's a lot of gas left in this old heater. And while I ain't as good as I once was, I'm as good once as I was two weeks ago.

Bret Saberhagen, 1996 Donruss

David Nied, 1993 Studio

Name: David Nied

Team: Colorado Rockies

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One manicure at Gimme a Hand Nail Salon

Key 1992 stat: Three hangnails

Script from Rawlings baseballs TV commercial, circa 1993: "Hey, sports fans, David Nied here for Rawlings baseballs. You ever go out to play catch with your kids and realize you have nothing to throw to them? Go out and grab some balls. You ever want to take some swings but have nothing to hit? Go out and grab some balls. You ever want to toss it around with a buddy, but all you have is a couple of gloves? Go out and grab some balls. Take it from me, a guy who always has a handful of balls, if you're not holding them, things can get a little testy."

David Nied, 1993 Studio

Todd Helton, 2004 Fleer Legend

Names: Todd Helton, Giant Head Todd Helton

Teams: Colorado Rockies, Colorado Rockies' Team of Giants

Positions: First base, skyscraper

Value of card: Head's side of a penny

Key 2003 stat: One noggin the size a Jupiter moon

Conversation between Todd Helton and Giant Head Todd Helton:

Giant Head Todd Helton: Hey there, buddy. You're lookin' pretty good.

Todd Helton: Um, thanks. Where did you come from? You're a massive head.

GHTH: Don't worry about me. Let's talk about you. Those are awfully strong arms.

TH: Well, I work out a lot. Wait, how am I talking to a giant head that looks like me?

GHTH: Shh, shh. Don't be nervous. Look at those thighs on you. I bet the ladies love them.

TH: No one has ever complimented me on my thighs, humongous head. And, frankly, you're starting to creep me out.

GHTH: I love those sunglasses on you. Look: I got the same pair. We're like twins.

TH: We're not twins. You're a head the size of water silo.

GHTH: I'm just a big admirer of yours. Can't you see the love in my eyes?

TH: This is starting to get awkward.

GHTH: Nonsense. I see you won a Fleer Legs award. Well-deserved.

TH: That's "Fleer Legend." The rest of the word is behind my calf.

GHTH: I'd sure like to suckle that calf.

(Todd Helton runs away. Giant Head Todd Helton begins to cry.)

Card submitted by Patrick Cant

Todd Helton, 2004 Fleer Legend

Alex Cole, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Cole
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $5 off at LensCrafters
Key 1992 stat: One disability
An enterprising generation: Tragedy befell Alex Cole after the 1992 season when he was blinded during a freak sausage-grinding accident. It appeared the young outfielder's career was over — until technophile Tim Wallach stepped in. Wallach, who had developed a time-traveling device that doubled as a rad sports car, took Cole into the future, where the speedster was fitted with a Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement, or VISOR, much like the one on that "Star Trek" show. The device allowed Cole to see many different visual spectra and even provided him the advantage of X-ray vision. Commissioner Bud Selig originally wanted to ban Cole's device, but, upon seeing it, changed his ruling on the grounds that it was so bitchin'.

Alex Cole, 1993 Topps