Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Trey Beamon
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One-third of a Chuck E. Cheese token
Key 1995 stat: Beat your high score on "Daytona USA"
It's The Caption, which might have (but didn't) run in the Pittsbugh Post-Gazette around 1996: "Pirates rookie Trey Beamon plays a racing game at a local video arcade Tuesday. It was a welcome change of pace for Beamon, who has been playing nothing but 'Punch-Out' at the plate so far this season."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:

• Gilligan
• Frederich Frobel, the inventor of kindergarten
• A promising baseball prospect
• Boyfriend material
• Jim Morrison. No, not that one, this one.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling      and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Name: Benji Gil
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More like Benji Nil
Key 1991 stat: Rated best jawline in Chula Vista, Calif.
Rangers' scouting report on first-round draft choice Benji Gil: "For such a young kid, he's built like a tank. Wait, no, correction: He moves like a tank. ... Says he can't get enough of Michael Bolton's music. ... Could be a 20-20 guy      meaning hits and errors, not homers and steals. ... Reminds us a bit of Patrick Bateman from 'American Psycho.' So that's frightening. ... Look, the truth is, we thought we were getting the dog from the movies. Our bad."

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 

• Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
• Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
• Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
• Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Name: Brett Smith
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of urine
Key 2013 stat: 47 better T-shirt options
Some of the sayings on rookie quarterback Brett Smith's other T-shirts:

• Crap Thunder
• Sweat Profusely
• Chafe Class
• Vomit Virtue
• Pee-Pee Maturity

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Name: David Klingler
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Positions: Quarterback, farmhand
Value of card:  14 blisters on your foot
Key 1992 stat: Earned every bit of that Bust trophy up there in the corner
Ten unfortunate things that happened to David Klingler during this photo shoot:

10) Lighting guy forgot most of his equipment
9) Sacked by a tractor
8) Forced to wear that jacket
7) Cut his hand on his belt buckle
6) Threw an interception to an actual cowboy
5) Threw an interception to a scarecrow
4) Threw an interception to a very dexterous steer
3) Got called "Corporal Klinger" a lot
2) Got grease stains on his new Wranglers
1) His shoot directly followed Boomer Esiason's
 

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Sean Lowe, 1993 Score Select First Round Draft Pick

Name: Sean Lowe
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bag of clouds
Key 1992 stat: 26 red birds killed with a pellet gun
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on first-round pick Sean Lowe: "Well, it's pretty obvious, but the sky is the limit with this kid — and it looks like he has reached his limit. ... Can't pitch worth a lick, but his vertical leap is 122,816 feet. ... His baseball IQ isn't that high; his head seems to be in the clouds. ... If that trampoline rule change comes to pass, this kid will be a star. ... His apparent ability to fly bodes well for a team with a bird for a mascot."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Sean Lowe, 1993 Score Select First Round Draft Pick

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:

Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)

Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2

Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rey Palacios
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A mouthful of paper
Key 1988 stat: One hit
If you don't know, you'd better ask somebody: What all is in Rey Palacios' mouth?

A) His catcher's mask
B) An entire rack of baby back ribs
C) A wad of chaw the size of Arrowhead Stadium
D) The unfortunate result of rookie hazing
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Names: Brad Pounders, Jerald Clark
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of sun-burnt moss
Key 1988 stat: 1 double (half a double each)
It's time for a San Diego edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Aggressive tendencies (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Aggressive last name (Winner: Pounders)
Round 3: Eerie resemblance to Phil Simms (Winner: Pounders)
Round 4: Eerie resemblance to a guy about to whack you in the head with a bat (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Face as soft as a baby's bottom (Winner: Pounders)
Round 6: Face contorted into a monstrous snarl (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Winner because we're scared (Winner: Clark)

Score: Clark 4, Pounders 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: These two Padres were locked in a tight race, until the judges here at the Bust ran away out of fear of being knocked upside the head by Clark's bat.

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Name: Don Beebe
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Prospecting for gold (up your nose)
Key 1989 stat: Didn't fall on head (yet)
It's a Football Friday rant: Oh, bravo, Pro Set. It was so important to get young Don Beebe in your 1989 edition that you had to reach out for a third-party photo, was it? Only, rather than track down a quality picture of the young receiver, you acquired what appears to be a lost image from the Zapruder tape and slapped it on this piece of cardboard. Thankfully, you credited it as a "scouting photo," lest we be concerned that your oh-so-rigorous standards were slipping. Congratulations, gentlemen, your focus on quality is as sharp as ever.

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Names: Brandon Puffer, Jung Bong
Teams: Houston Astros, Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Even trade for a 5-sack of bammer
Key 2002 stat: 22,871 stoner fans, combined
It's time for a reefer-fueled edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Name is a marijuana reference (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Name is slang for a marijuana user (Winner: Puffer)
Round 3: Name is slang for marijuana paraphernalia (Winner: Bong)
Round 4: Inclusion on a card that had to have been an inside joke at Topps (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Career that takes a backseat to an awesome name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cooler-sounding full name (Winner: Bong)

Score: Bong 2, Puffer 1, Ties 3

Synopsis: In a dope Matchup that nearly went to pot, Bong smoked Puffer in the end in ironic fashion.

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Leon Washington, 2006 Bowman Signs of the Future (Football Friday No. 195)

Name: Leon Washington
Team: New York Jets
Position: Running back
Value of card: One VHS copy of "Boyz n the Hood," half taped over
Key 2006 stat: Two misinterpreted middle-finger salutes
Q-U-I-Z! Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!: What's Leon Washington doing in this photo?

A) Responding to New York fans who booed him and every other Jets pick at the draft
B) Mocking future Jets coach Rex Ryan's man boobs
C) Practicing for his future career as a South African sign language interpreter
D) East siiiiiide!
E) All of the above

Leon Washington, 2006 Bowman Signs of the Future (Football Friday No. 195)

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Name: Trevor Mallory
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Draft pick, pitcher
Value of card: Humor value: high; monetary value: nonexistent
Key 1991 stat: Only season at any pro level with more wins than losses (2-1)
Welcome to Fan Appreciation Week: We here at the Bust like to joke around that only six people read our site, but the truth is that our fan base is easily double that number. (Hi, Mom!) And those loyal fans of ours, from time to time, send us some pretty amazing cards to mock. We work them in from time to time, but this week we've decided to give them a special place of honor, running seven of them back to back. This one's for the fans!
Blue Jays scouting report, circa 1991, on second-round draft pick Trevor Mallory: "If this kid's fastball ever catches up to his fade, look out! ... Needs to work on slider, curveball, ability to button his clothes. ... In his high school yearbook, he was voted most likely to join Bell Biv Devoe, and those guys rule, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says his favorite food is those little vienna sausages that come in a can. Worrisome. ... Once struck out 10 batters and struck out with 10 girls all in the same day. ... Says he has no problem with removing his earring since it's made of plastic anyway. ... We project that he, much like his shirt, will be a front-line starter for many years to come."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An expired Hamburger Helper coupon
Key 1986-87 stat: Zero attractive photos taken
Here's what Mike Loynd and this winner of a card stand for:

Major league pitcher     no, really!
Impossible for this photo to be any worse
Kelp-colored photo backdrop was a nice touch
Eyebrows offered more heat than his fastball

Looks like someone could use a lesson in skin care
Only source of light in the room appears to be reflecting off his greasy forehead
Yes, that's his smile...
No, he's not just grinding grain with his teeth
Didn't get a chance to see Mike pitch in the bigs? You must have been busy that month.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Perona
Team: Lakeland Tigers 
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An empty bottle of Peroni
Key 1991 stat: Due to fair skin, unable to stand in the sun for more than five minutes
Spring training + spring fashion = the return of a classic: A few months back, the Bust set the fashion world on its head with Bowman Fashion Week, seven days' worth of cards from the 1992 Bowman set featuring a bunch of rookies and minor-leaguers wearing atrocious clothing. It was so popular, traffic to our site more than doubled, garnering up to 20 visitors per day. Hey, we're not ones to mess with success, so cover your eyeballs      it's time for more early '90s style.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Detroit Tigers draft choice Joe Perona taking a break in the shade. Too bad, Joe      your clothes are still hot! Joe's wearing an oversize button-down that incorporates every color known to man. And yes, those buttons do go all the way up. What's that you say? The pattern looks like somebody threw this shirt into the dryer with a bag of Skittles? Well, it's time to taste the rainbow! The bagginess of Joe's shirt is a tactical choice, covering his underdeveloped biceps and girlish waist, thus making him look more like an actual athlete. Downstairs, Joe's wearing a pair of his dad's Dockers and his only belt, a classic black number that he's had since he was 14. And while Joe will never make it past AA in baseball, that black leather wristwatch is ready for The Show. Cheers to you Joe      looking like this, you'll never be Perona non grata!

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Name: "Keith" McCants
Team: Tampa Bay "Buccaneers"
Position: "Linebacker"
Value of card: "Nothing" (quote-unquote)
Key 1989 stat: 212 articles of clothing that were "orange"
It's time for another "thrilling" pop quiz:

How do you know you're the "class" of 1990?

(A) You wear hats that are "two sizes too small."
(B) You have a mustache that's as "straight as a ruler."
(C) You're constantly surrounded by a "blinding orange-and-yellow aura."
(D) You're featured on a horrendous football "card."
(E) You're "described" using "unnecessary" quote "marks."
(F) All of the above.

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)