Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Name: Jay Bell
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four broken golf tees 
Key 1997 stat: Zero idea how to play golf
At the sound of the bell, please answer this pop quiz: What's Jay Bell up to here?

A) Getting ready to move to golf-friendly Arizona
B) Going from a former greenskeeper to a Masters champion
C) Playing golf with a base and a baseball. Duh.
D) Working on his putts
E) All of the above

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Name: Jay Baller
Team: Omaha Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: If you cut out that imperfection smudge on the left side of this card and offered it to someone on the street for a dollar, this card is worth the spit that would wind up on your face.
Key 1989 stat: 77 strikes (not strikeouts; just strikes)
Royals' scouting report on minor league prospect Jay Baller: "Says here this guy is a Baller. We have no indications of that. ... Might want to bring him to Kansas City if Omaha throws in a couple of steaks. ... Pitching skills aside, he has a real chance to make the Name Hall of Fame. ... Mustache? Baller. Mullet? Baller. Baseball skills? Not baller. ... Baller? I barely knew her! Ha! Wait, we're supposed to be evaluating this guy?"

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Closer
Value of card: A fifth of Winner's Cup Vodka
Key 1988 stat: 387 evil stares
It's time for a hateful pop quiz:

What has made Jeff Montgomery so angry?

(A) He's enraged about being named after the capital of Alabama.
(B) He's furious about having a unibrow when he scrunches his face in fury.
(C) He's outraged about being associated in any way with Donruss.
(D) He's irate about being pictured with a scowl on his face even though he's a happy-go-lucky chum.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Luis Aquino
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1/22,100 of the cost of those gold chains
Key 1990 stat: 18 pounds of jewelry
Some things you might not know about Luis Aquino:

• His mustache was so razor-sharp he used it to shave off his sideburns.
• His mullet alone qualified him to be a ranchera singer.
• In this photo, he was staring down Mr. T in a chain-intimidation attempt.
• He had as many holes in his cheek as he did in his jersey.
• He went on the 15-day disabled list with neck fatigue.

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rey Palacios
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A mouthful of paper
Key 1988 stat: One hit
If you don't know, you'd better ask somebody: What all is in Rey Palacios' mouth?

A) His catcher's mask
B) An entire rack of baby back ribs
C) A wad of chaw the size of Arrowhead Stadium
D) The unfortunate result of rookie hazing
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Name: Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace
Value of card: "When I was your age, a pack of baseball cards cost a nickel."
Key 1983 stat: 18 bunions
It's time for a pop quiz from the senior home:

What's Gaylord Perry pointing at?

(A) One of 721 big-league players younger than him.
(B) A photographer who could have worked a bit harder for a better shot.
(C) A producer of "Major League" looking to research the role of Eddie Harris.
(D) Some chump reading a mediocre sports card blog.
(E) All of the above.

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps

Name: Rich Gale
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It won't make you rich, and it won't bring you a windfall
Key 1980 stat: Never afraid to rock a soul patch
Here's what Rich Gale stands for:

Royals were lucky to have such a well-coiffed hurler
It's possible, of course, that that's just a red panda resting on his head
Can't tell who Rich is looking at, but we doubt it's anyone as attractive as the hunky Mr. Gale
His hair sported a nifty 3.40 ERA that year, two full runs below Rich's number

Glasses would have knocked down a comeback liner without even taking a scratch...
And that mustache would have caught it
Little silver chain is the best 50 cents anyone ever put in a gumball machine
Everyone who watched this guy pitch agrees: Gale blows

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Name: Jose Cardenal
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield, first base, garbage man
Value of card: 12 bugs pulled from Cardenal's hair
Key 1980 stat: 2,987 hours looking shady
10 things you might not know about Jose Cardenal:
10) He never played for the Cardenals.
9) His favorite player was Oscar Gamble.
8) The "KC" on his hat stood for "Kalamazoo College," where he was a janitor.
7) His mom coined the phrase, "No way, Jose."
6) He had the ability to smile.
5) He won Best MLB Corpse of 1981.
4) He worked as an usher between innings.
3) That's a size 11 hat.
2) He rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
1) He's bald beneath that hat.

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

Name: Pete LaCock
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: One smile from LaCock
Key 1980 stat: 25 mesh nettings rested against
Here's Pete LaCock's online dating profile:

ScreenName: Pete_LaCock_Yes_That's_My_Real_Name
Age: 29
Height: 6' 2"
Weight: 200 pounds of LaCock here
Hair color: Which layer?
Hairstyle: Mulletish
Facial hair: Mustache that tastes vaguely of hickory
Ethnicity: Californian
Marital status: Swinging freely
Want children? Yes. Who wouldn't want a little LaCock?
Smoke? You selling?
Drink? I've been known to pound a few
Best feature: Surname

Seeking: A beautiful Midwestern girl (or five)
Her body type: Scantily clad
Her ethnicity: Female
Her interests: Baseball, mustaches and wiener jokes

About me: Hello, ladies, I'm Pete LaCock. You might know me as that professional baseball player with the quasi-erotic name. No, not Rusty. There's nothing erotic about that guy. Anyway, I've been having a tough time since moving to Kansas City. It seems I'm spending more time in bed with a plate of delicious barbecue ribs than with the company of a woman, and I'd like to change that. So drop me a line      first we'll get to LaKnow each other, and then we'll get LaNasty. LaCock out!

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

Names: George Brett and Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Third base and old pitcher
Value of card: One pine tar-covered shaft
Key 1983 stat: One of them got really angry
What are George Brett and Gaylord Perry re-enacting?

A) George Brett's famous pine tar incident
B) The incident that earned Perry his first name
C) A scene from the film "Bi-Curious George"
D) A time when it was acceptable for grown men to wear baby blue from head to toe
E) All of the above

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Doug Mientkiewicz
Team: New York Mets Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: "Dirt" stains on the seat of your pants
Key 2005 stat: Even he didn't know how to spell his surname
Things said by Mentki Mintka Doug to this anonymous catcher:

• "No, I will not stand up. Not until you apologize for calling my jersey hideous."
• "What do you mean this seashell necklace looked better on my wife?"
• "Why yes, I am going to just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I mean, coach just told me to do what I do best!"
• "Have you seen my bat?"
• "I got traded to Kansas City? Well, it could be worse. I could be on the Mets."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Name: Bob Hamelin (we think)
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A piece of paper with your name on it
Key 2013 stat: One dubious distinction
W.O.A.T.? Recently, Slate executive editor Josh Levin declared the above piece of cardboard the worst baseball card of all time. The argument is clear: Here we have DH-platoon specialist Bob Hamelin's sad, pudgy face peering out through his glare-covered glasses, and his sad, pudgy mullet peering out from under his autographed baseball cap. Most egregiously, though, Hamelin is holding against his chin a sign with his name printed on it      meanwhile, the card's breathtaking design has some sort of nameplate pyramid covering up part of said sign. The card is atrocious, the photography horrible, and the mullet greasy. But the worst of all time? Sorry, Slate, but we've seen worse. Here are some (though not all) of them:

• This generic Frank Thomas card that may have been made with construction paper and line tape.
• This Keith Comstock minor-league card that's just plain nuts.
• The 1990 Topps Calvin Schiraldi crapfest that looks like it was shot with an old, broken flip phone.
• Anything from those terrible Comic Ball sets (but especially this one).
• This blindingly pink Griffey card.
• Bo Jackson posing like Punky Brewster while wearing an ace of spades jacket (both sides).
• And this one of Beaver Dick Pole. No, wait, that's the greatest card of all time. Our mistake.

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Bill Buckner, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: Symbolism
Key 1990 stat: One grudge held against Upper Deck
Time to choose your own adventure: You are Jordan Jackson, card designer for Upper Deck in early 1990. You're currently sorting through a handful of photo possibilities for Royals first baseman Bill Buckner, who has worked hard to move past one of the most infamous errors in baseball history. It's late, and your supervisor (who's kind of a jerk) has long since left the building. Which photo do you choose for Buckner's card?

To go with a solid swing follow-through that gives a good view of Buckner's face, click here.
To select an action-packed baserunning shot of Buckner rounding second, click here.
To choose a photo that features the gaping opening of the tube used to roll up the infield tarp, which just happens to be positioned perfectly between Buckner's legs as he mans first base, and thus reveal that you are actually Mookie Wilson, click here.

Card suggested by Dave Cote

Bill Buckner, 1990 Upper Deck

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Name: Fernando Gonzalez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: 4 inches of yellow
Key 1973 stat: Got to third base, but only on the field
Top 10 reasons why Fernando Gonzalez should cheer up:
10) The Royals weren't nearly as bad in '74 as they are now
9) Lots of guys would kill for a full head of hair like that
8) Delicious Kansas City barbecue
7) Delicious Kansas City humidity
6) He has his health. And his mustache. And his mustache's health.
5) This Kansas City isn't actually in Kansas
4) It's a chance to build the tornado shelter of his dreams
3) The Royals also held spring training in Florida, allowing Fernando to keep wrasslin' gators
2) It's not like the Royals already had a future star of a third baseman
1) Topps only airbrushed his collar. Other players fared much worse.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Ryan Long, 1992 Bowman

Name: Ryan Long
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 16 rotten oranges
Key 1991 stat: One high school senior portrait used on a baseball card
Ryan Long's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: LongGone25
Age: 18
Height: 6 feet 2 and growing
Weight: 190 pounds and drowning in muscles
Hair color: Brunette
Hairstyle: Fresh
Ethnicity: As white as they come
Want children? Still a child
Past relationships: Dated Kelly Kapowski
Best feature: Shades
Smoke? Cigarettes aren't cool, dude
Drink? You don't have to drink to be radical

Seeking: Pretty, popular girls
Location: High school
Her height: A-plus
Her body type: Cheerleader
Her ethnicity: As white as me

About me: Hey, babes. Ryan here. I'm just a cool dude looking for a chica to be at my side. I'm pretty much the most popular guy in school, and I'm looking for a girl who's just as popular — and not make-believe. I like to cruise around in my red Camaro, make fun of nerds, shoot hoops with the bros, and wear my sunglasses at night. I hope you're cool — and hot — enough to do those things with me. Catch ya later, skater.

Ryan Long, 1992 Bowman

Joe Randa, 1992 Bowman Foil

Name: Joe Randa
Teams: Kansas City Royals; Kmart teen model talent pool
Positions: Third base; posing
Value of card: 1/100th of an ounce of fake gold foil
Key 1991 stat: 14 catalog spreads
Here's what Joe Randa stands for:

Jeans were as tight as his turtleneck was mocked
Obsession cologne overdose could have killed a family of skunks
Everyman look starts with a sweet white-boy wave

Rugby jersey straight from Sears' Cherokee line
Acid-washed jeans drove the ladies wild
Nondenominational church belt shows a touch of class
Dumb look on his face was part of the ensemble
Another example of studly 1990s style

Joe Randa, 1992 Bowman Foil

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Firemen Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Smoke inhalation
Key 1997 stat: Pulled the fire alarm 27 times as a prank
Safety first, kids: The honchos at Topps probably thought this card was pretty funny, but we see several fire code (and good taste) violations in the photo. Therefore, we see no choice but to assess some fines.

• $50 for removing the only fire extinguisher in the building and using it as a prop.
• $150 for having Jeff Montgomery make inappropriate gestures with the extinguisher's hose and nozzle.
• $25 for Photoshoping flames on Montgomery's chest, defeating the purpose of him being a fireman or whatever.
• $65 for Montgomery not strapping down his hair helmet.
• $1,000 for subjecting us to a photo of Montgomery wearing a sleeveless, snap-down vest with no shirt underneath. Creepy.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Mike Armstrong, 1983 Topps

Name: Mike Armstrong
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: For Armstrong? A broken LiveStrong bracelet
Key 1982 stat: One — count 'em, one — photo session all year
Meet the Mike Armstrongs:

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Has windshield glasses
Circle Mike Armstrong: Has windshield glasses

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Wears his hat like a 2000s frat boy
Circle Mike Armstrong: Wears his hat like a 2000s frat boy

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Sports a perfect butt chin, a la Kirk Douglas
Circle Mike Armstrong: Sports a perfect butt chin, a la Kirk Douglas

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Only poses in front of stripped airline hangars
Circle Mike Armstrong: Only poses in front of stripped airline hangars

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Mixes mustache hair with nose hair for a refined look
Circle Mike Armstrong: Mixes mustache hair with nose hair for a refined look

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Looks a bit perturbed about getting his photo taken
Circle Mike Armstrong: Is growing increasingly more angry and IS NOW FURIOUS ABOUT YOUR STUPID CAMERA YOU FRIGGIN' PUNK!

Mike Armstrong, 1983 Topps

Ed Hearn, 1989 Topps

Name: Ed Hearn
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: You guessed it: It ain't worth squat
Key 1988 stat: 12 high school classes attended
Let's see what Ed Hearn stands for:

Everyman who made every man feel more manly
Dumb look on his face shows photographer's skill

Helmet and chest protector usually worn in the sack
Eagerly spread legs for maximum bulge exposure
Acting wasn't his forte; hence this awful pose
Rarely sat; usually squatted
Never met a jockstrap he didn't like

Ed Hearn, 1989 Topps

George Brett, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: Half an ounce of cork
Key 1986 stat: More crevasses in face than in Grand Canyon
Closing a week of yule tide with a baffling background: The Donruss Diamond King cards are infamous for their backgrounds, from the nonsensical to the just plain boring. But what the heck is that thing on this card?

A) A blanket of flattened tennis balls
B) A green monster
C) A piece of soundproof padding from Mr. Brett's "cursing room"
D) The seventh dimension
E) A swath of the Royals' artificial turf

George Brett, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 7)