Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Name: Gorilla Monsoon
From: Manchuria
Signature moves: Airplane Spin, announcing other wrestlers' signature moves
Value of card: One DVD copy of "Gorillas in the Mist" with a big scratch on it
Key 1990 stat: Surprisingly, afraid of both apes and summer thunderstorms
Clearing up some rumors about Gorilla Monsoon:

• Gorilla Monsoon did not work part-time as a strip club doorman. But he did know the doorman by name.
• Gorilla Monsoon did not dye his hair. He just slept better when his head was covered in motor oil.
• Gorilla Monsoon is not the first person in history to make a red tuxedo look good. Nobody has made a red tuxedo look good.
• Gorilla Monsoon was, in fact, a pro wrestler before becoming the WWF's play-by-play announcer. So he was used to looking this ridiculous.
• Gorilla Monsoon was not his real name, of course. His real name was Gorilla Haboob.

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One hateful scowl
Key 1978 stat: Voted most luxurious hair in the greater Milwaukee area
Clearing up some rumors about Gorman Thomas:

• Gorman Thomas was not constantly angry. He just lacked the facial muscles needed to smile.
• Gorman Thomas was not afraid to show some skin. He was afraid to wear any color except blue, however.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in fact, know what a "Gorman" was either.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in his later years, intentionally begin to resemble a St. Bernard dog. But he did wear a barrel of booze around his neck at times.
• Gorman Thomas' hair was not more impressive than his baseball talent. His ability to eat pickled eggs, however, was legendary.

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Name: Mario Soto
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Soto? More like so low.
Key 1981 stat: Signed name as "Mario Sota" every third time just to mess with people
Clearing up some rumors about Mario Soto:

• Mario Soto was not angry in the above photo. He was just straining all of his head and face muscles under the weight of all that hair.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, refuse to call his undershirt in this picture a "turtleneck." He instead called it an "afrosweater."
• Mario Soto did not use bobby pins to keep his hat atop his head. He used Superglue.
• Mario Soto did not have a family of robins living in his hair. It was just a single robin who was afraid of commitment.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, use his afro to once catch a line drive. He also used it to catch taxis, trout, the attention of ladies and, one time, the clap.

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Names: Diana Ditka, Mike Ditka
Teams: Biker Mamas, Chicago Bears
Position: Coach's wife, head coach
Value of card: Two pairs of white pants (same style) for the price of one
Key 1991 stat: 182,290 bugs in teeth (combined)
Clearing up some rumors about Mike Ditka and his lovely wife, Diana:

• Diana Ditka does not use the phrase "riding the hog" when talking about motorcycles. That's the phrase she uses when discussing her married sex life.
• Mike Ditka is not wearing David Puddy's 8-ball jacket from "Seinfeld." He's wearing an even more ludicrous jacket.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, take his wife everywhere on his motorcycle. But she keeps finding her way home.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, need to wear a motorcycle helmet for safety. Diana does not     her hair serves the same purpose.
• This is not Mike Ditka's most embarrassing moment. That would be this video of him yelling at a bunch of kids about flushing the toilet (preferably after putting this card in it).

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Take the number of letters in his first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:

• Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
• Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
• Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
• Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
• Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Darrell Porter, 1987 Topps

Name: Darrell Porter
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Catcher, designated hipster
Value of card: A pint of porter, spilled all over your pants
Key 1986 stat: Worked rather hard on that mini-mullet, thank you very much
Clearing up some rumors about Darrell Porter and his glasses:

• Darrell Porter did not have an exceedingly tiny head. Even Barry Bonds' noggin would look minuscule behind those glasses.
• Darrell Porter would not have needed tape had his glasses been broken. The two halves would have still been so huge that they would have been held together by their own gravitational pull.
• That is, in fact, Darrell Porter's real nose. It just looks like he's wearing Groucho Marx specs without the mustache.
• Darrell Porter did not actually need those glasses to see. Rather, he just wanted to look smart for the ladies.
• Darrell Porter's glasses are, in fact, proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Darrell Porter, 1987 Topps

Haj Turay, 2003 Topps Total

Name: Haj Turay
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One bizarre mini-bulge
Key 2002 stat: Hit, Haj Turay? No! Eh? No!
Clearing up some rumors about Haj Turay:

• Haj Turay was not, in fact, a gremlin. He just smiled like one.
• Despite how he's holding the bat in the above photo, Haj Turay did, in fact, get paid to play baseball.
• Despite what it says, this was not Haj Turay's first-year card, because Haj Turay never had a first year in the majors.
• Haj Turay did not, in fact, have a helmet with the Mets logo. Rather, he had just spray-painted the above helmet blue and orange and snuck into Shea Stadium.
• Haj Turay did, in fact, smell like old cabbage.
• Haj Turay did, in fact, have the skinniest little chicken legs in the Tri-State Area.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Haj Turay, 2003 Topps Total

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jay Johnstone
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A slug of beer A beer-soaked slug
Key career stat: Played for 20 years; played more than 100 games in nine of them
Clearing up some rumors about Jay Johnstone's, um, hat:

• Jay Johnstone's hat is not made from the labels of all the beers he drank last night. It's made from the labels of all the beers he drank in the dugout during the game.
• Jay Johstone's hat is not meant to protect him from rainfall. It's meant to protect him from all the things thrown at him by disgruntled Cubs fans.
• Jay Johnstone's hat is not meant to advertise the King of Beers. I mean, they sell these cards to kids, and alcohol is never marketed to kids, right?
• Jay Johnstone's hat does not say "Budweiser" on it. It says "Cubweiser," a brew that was best enjoyed in 1908 and hasn't been anywhere near as good since.

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

Name: Rodney Craig
Team: Charleston Charlies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: What?
Key 1992 stat: Where?
Clearing up some rumors about minor-leaguer Rodney Craig:

• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. He's just having to squint from the glare off his sweet gold medallion.
• Rodney Craig's medallion does not have any mystical powers like this guy's does. If it did, he wouldn't be playing minor-league ball in Charleston, S.C.
• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. Wait, huh? We already said that one? Wait, are there any more Doritos?
• Rodney Craig's head is, in fact, the size of one of Jupiter's moons. He wore a size 9 batting helmet and his teammates called him "Buckethead." No, really, we're not making this one up!

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Name: Andy Heck
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a whole heck of a lot
Key 1991 stat: Zero carbon footprint
Clearing up some rumors about Andy Heck:

• Andy Heck did not use overly dramatic lighting for this photo shoot. Rather, he was energy-conscious before it was cool.
• Andy Heck did not have trouble lifting those 50-pound weights. He did, apparently, have trouble putting them back when he was done. How about a little common courtesy, bro?
• Andy Heck did have eyes. But they really bulged out when he was lifting. It was disconcerting.
• Andy Heck's real name was actually Andy Hell. He was just always so darned polite that he could never bring himself to say it.
• Andy Heck's shirt really is soaked with sweat in the above photo, but not due to physical exertion. It's because he's terrified of the dark.

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Name: Plaxico Burress
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Pigskin rash
Key rookie year stat: Felt comfortable wearing that headband at a photo shoot
Clearing up some rumors about this photo of Plaxico Burress:

• Plaxico Burress is not baked here. He is just squinting because his headband is too colorful.
• Burress did not sew himself a blanket of footballs. He's using them as a flak jacket so that he doesn't shoot himself.
• Burress did not consent to having this photo taken. It's just part of rookie hazing.
• Burress is not using a portable cooler as a backrest. Wait, yeah, actually, we think he is. That's weird.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: About as much as its nutritional value
Key 1987 stat: Enough baby blue to open a day care center
Clearing up some rumors about Kent Tekulve:

• Tekulve did not have an epileptic fit every time he pitched. He did have one while watching "Tron," however.
• Tekulve's stirrups did, in fact, go all the way up.
• Tekulve was not the inventor of the derp face. He just mastered it.
• There is, in fact, a correct way to pronounce Tekulve's last name. We just don't know what it is.
• Tekulve's milkshake did, indeed, bring all the boys to the yard. But they were definitely not, like, "It's better than yours."

Card submitted by Keith Malloy

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Topps

Mike Schmidt, 1982 Topps

Name: Chuck Norris Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, Tae Kwon Do champion
Value of card: "What'd you ask?" (roundhouse kick to the face)
Key 1981 stat: 17 knockouts (from roundhouse kicks to the face)
Clearing up some rumors about Chuck Norris Mike Schmidt:

• Mike Schmidt doesn't shave around his mustache. The hairs are afraid to grow.
• Mike Schmidt didn't sign his name on this card like a third-grader. He punched the ink into letters, and then punched a third-grader.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't have girl bangs. He bangs girls.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't cheat death. He beats it fair and square.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't dress like Chuck Norris. He's on the Phillies, not the Texas Rangers.

Mike Schmidt, 1982 Topps

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)

Name: Ken "Jackhammer" Harvey
Team: Washington Shredskins
Positions: Linebacker, construction worker
Fright value of card: Seven minutes of jackin' (uh, what?)
Key 1993 splat: Zero Halloween party invitations
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Harvey's costume: 

• Harvey didn't wear a costume dripping with sexual innuendo. He literally and figuratively beat you over the head with it.
• Harvey didn't carry around a giant tool at all times. He was a giant tool at all times.
• Harvey, the construction laborer, didn't work on the streets of D.C. His sister did.
• Harvey didn't thrust the tip of his massive tool into things. He was busy riding a weird-looking pogo stick.
• Harvey's choice to wear the costume wasn't a bright idea. That was a glowing penis, not a light bulb, atop his helmet.

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)



Name: Martina Navratilova
Country: United States
Value of card: Headband sweat
Key 1991 stat: 60-pound leg muscles
Clearing up some rumors about Martina Navratilova:

• No, Martina Navratilova is not a man, nor has she ever been. They did tests and everything, so stop asking and grow up already. Sheesh.
• While it's true that Navratilova, with her thigh muscles the size of tree trunks, could kick your ass, she doesn't actually want to. Yet.
• Navratilova does in fact bear a resemblance to Tom Petty. But what you may not know is that Navratilova is the better singer.
• No, her haircut is not more ridiculous than Andre Agassi's. It is taller, however.
• Yes, with its pastel floral pattern on all items of clothing, including the awesome headband, this is the ultimate 1990s women's tennis outfit. And yes, Martina Navratilova still wears it.

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)

Ken Phelps, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ken Phelps
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Tough to see it being worth anything
Key 1989 stat: Two eyeballs (Look close, they're big and back there.)
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Phelps:

• Phelps didn't protect his eyes from the sun. He protected the sun from his eyes.
• Phelps didn't wear aviator sunglasses. People who flew planes wore Keniator sunglasses.
• Phelps' jersey wasn't mesh. He didn't mesh with anyone.
• Phelps didn't grow a mustache. He kept his pine tar above the lip.
• Phelps didn't wear sunglasses for style. He was blind. Shame on you.

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Ken Phelps, 1990 Bowman

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sand
Key 1990 stat: Six tones of red
Clearing up some rumors about Ruben Sierra:

• Ruben Sierra did not huff his own bat. He only huffed glue.
• He did not wear a badge bigger than his head. Few things were bigger than his head.
• He did not play in Arizona, the only U.S. state with saguaros.
• He was not the star of "Dune." He just wished he was.
• Smoke from the things he burned did not turn into clouds. Usually.
• His pants did not have more wrinkles than Betty White's face.

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Name: Shawn Kemp

Team: Seattle SuperSonics

Position: Forward (with the ladies)

Value of card: Air

Key 1990-91 stat: 62 women impregnated

Clearing up some rumors about Shawn Kemp:

• Kemp doesn't just jump high. He is high.
• Kemp had an easy time conceiving new dunks. He had an easier time conceiving with women.
• Kemp was one of many pros who knew how to create. He was, however, alone in his capacity to procreate.
• Kemp wasn't a breed all his own. His breed was common after he bred so many times.
• Kemp didn't wear short-shorts. That's a large green jock strap, baby.
• Kemp didn't have thousands of young fans cheering for him at games. Those were his kids pleading for child-support payments.

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Outdated technology
Key 1991 stat: One bad Photoshop cutout
Clearing up some rumors about Bruce Smith:

• Bruce Smith did not use radar to track down quarterbacks. He used sonar.
• This cutout of Bruce Smith is not poorly done. It just shows his blue aura.
• Score is not mixing metaphors by using radar and cross hairs on this card. It actually has a contract with the Department of Defense.
• Bruce Smith is, in fact, screaming "Friends! Romans! Countrymen!" while chasing down Ken O'Brien.
• "Sack Attack" is not also the name of a mid-1990s adult feature. Oh, wait, yes it is.

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Fernando Valenzuela, 1990 Fleer

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 50 cents off three rolled tacos with cheese at Filiberto's
Key 1989 stat: 500 orders of Filiberto's three rolled tacos with cheese eaten
Clearing up some rumors about Fernando "El Toro" Valenzuela:

• Valenzuela did not struggle with his weight. He purposefully put on pounds to look like his hero, Tommy Lasorda.
• That is not Valenzuela's bulge your seeing there. It's just the rest of his tummy.
• "Fernandomania" never stopped. It just signed with a Mexican league team.
• "Los Tres Fernandos" is not a top-shelf tequila. It's a bottom-shelf baseball card.
• Valenzuela did not eat his weight in Godfather's Pizza. The restaurant couldn't make that much pizza in one day.
• "The Fernando Valenzuela Story" is not in production. But, yes, if it were, it would star "SNL" funnyman Horatio Sanz.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1990 Fleer