Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers (Yeah, we get it.)
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 cow patties
Key 1990 stat: 12 bucking broncos hogtied (or something)
It's time for a pop quiz deep in the heart of Texas:

What exactly is the "Texas Cowboy Life"?

(A) It's like the "Dallas Cowboy Life," only more successful and less comical.
(B) You hang out on a ranch and every so often punch a rookie in the head a half-dozen times.
(C) You pose for a ridiculous set of baseball cards for a company trying to stave off bankruptcy.
(D) Two words: assless chaps.
(E) All of the above.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: A Burger King french fry that has fallen on the ground
Key 1989 stat: One crowning achievement
Bow down before the one you serve: In 1990, Donruss granted Nolan Ryan what is truly the greatest honor in baseball history: Donruss King of Kings. (Not to worry      they kept pumping out regular old Diamond Kings for several more years.) With the distinction came a handful of benefits such as golden bolls of cotton, multicolored laser beams and a small painting of himself looking kind of like Tim Robbins in "Bull Durham." But, going by the above larger, more stunning portrait, what should the King of Kings' historical nickname be? Here are some options.

• King Nolan the Broken-Nosed
• King Nolan of Two Chins
• King Nolan the Slightly Wall-Eyed
• King Nolan the Rosy-Cheeked
• King Mole-an

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Names: Nolan "The Gentleman Rancher" Ryan, Horse
Teams: Texas Rangers, The Stable
Positions: Ace, Saddled
Value of card: Two unlucky horseshoes
Key 1990 stat: 1,211 rides together
It's time for a Texas-size edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Covered in flies (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes wears a saddle in bed (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Still participates in the occasional rodeo (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Often craps in a field (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Favorite TV show is "Mr. Ed" (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Shoes attached to feet with nails (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Often eats from a feedbag (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan 0, Horse 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: It's not often there's a tie in The Matchup, but it's not often two individuals share such similar characteristics. In the end, neither Ryan nor Horse could gallop away into the sunset with a victory.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Coupon for $4.95 off a tuxedo rental at The Men's Wearhouse
Key 1990 stat: 12 balls thrown directly at camera during photo shoot
10 things you didn't know about Nolan Ryan's date to the black-tie-only senior ball:
10) She wore a lovely dress and the same cleats as Ryan.
9) She and Ryan shared their Skoal.
8) She enjoyed dances in Sears portrait studios, so she had a great time.
7) She brought a bat and had to use it at Lookout Point.
6) She was 63, too.
5) Turns out, she couldn't dance well after catching a heater in the ear hole.
4) She stopped Ryan before he got to first base.
3) "She" was a glove with a lot of glove oil.
2) He rode her onto the dance floor on a saddle (and she wore horseshoes).
1) It was Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, Texas Beefmaster
Value of card: A cowpie
Key 1990 stat: Zero beef mastered
Nolan Ryan's online dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TexasBeefmaster01
Age: 13 (in horse years)
Height: 6'10" (with my boots and hat on)
Weight: 170 (without my boots and hat on)
Hair color: Brindle
Hair style: Covered
Ethnicity: Texan
Religious views: Don't mess with Texas
Marital status: Married to the ranch. Also, to my wife.
Want children? I calved a couple young'uns earlier today
Best feature: Calluses
Smoke? Only what I can roll
Drink? Moonshine

Seeking: A right fine heifer
Location: In the barn, at the stockyard, on the range      it doesn't matter
Her body type: Meaty
Her ethnicity: Angus
Her hairstyle: Matted

About me: Hello there, ladies. They call me the Texas Beefmaster (sure they do), but it's not because of the livestock I keep on my ranch. You see, I'm partial to a girl with some steak on her bones, the kind of woman who knows her way around both a trough and a haystack. It's true that I'm married, but my relationship is as open as the range that I ride. So if you're interested in knocking hooves, drop me a line and we can get low.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: A used piece of gauze
Key 1990 stat: Tasted his own blood, as well as that of 28 others
Oh, nothing to see here: First off, Jesus H. Christ. Nolan's a real gamer, all right. Of course, we're pretty sure that only some of that is the Ryan Express's own blood. Here's what we believe the reaction would be upon unwrapping this card at various ages:

Ages 5-9: "Mooommmmmyyy!"
Ages 10-17: "Bad frickin' ass!" *Intentionally busts own lip before next Little League/high school game*
Ages 18-26: "Big deal, he's only bleeding from the mouth."
Ages 27 and up: "This makes Schilling's bloody sock look effeminate."

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers, Team P90X
Positions: Pitcher, whatever that stretch is called
Value of card: A whooooole lot of leg
Key 1990 stat: Made the photographer uncomfortable 14 times
Oh dear: The good folks at Pacific Trading Cards put out a series of Nolan Ryan collectables in 1991, featuring the Express in all sorts of situations. They captioned this one "Ryan's Routine," but here are a few suggested captions that didn't quite make the cut:

• More Sleeves Than Pants
• And Reach ... for the Barf Bag
• Pasty Pitcher
• That Hairline's a Stretch, Too
• Pull Those Socks Up More
• No Wonder No One Else Is Working Out
• "Get Out of Here, You Pervert!"

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Cowboy, ace
Value of card: A tumbleweed
Key 1989 stat: Waist of pants 1/2-inch below belly button
It's an Old West pop quiz: Um, what does Nolan know, exactly?

A) Why the caged bird sings
B) How to hitch his britches up higher than yours
C) What Robin Ventura's tears taste like
D) What you did last summer
E) Why they call it a 10-gallon hat
F) How to pull off a Canadian tuxedo
G) How to have a longer career than Bo

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers; Texas Equestrian League Gallopers
Positions: Ace; atop a four-legged animal
Value of card: Three hooves
Key 1990 stat: 121 prairies meandered through
It's time for a man-vs.-animal edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Massive, gleaming teeth too big for their mouth (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Wearing pageant accessories for a lame photo shoot (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Often sleeps in a hay-covered and feces-strewed stable (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Was said to be "Participating in a Cutting horse contest" but wasn't really doing so (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Ate oats for every meal (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Looking like an ass (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Penchant for crapping wherever he pleases (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan zero, horse zero, ties 7

Synopsis: In what fans would think would be an easy win for the horse, Ryan shows he's tough to beat when a night with a mare is on the line.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes insert

Name: Nolan Ryan

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Ace

Value of card: Three scraps of dried paint

Key 1989 stat: Four hairs in bangs

10 titles for this fabulous work of art:

10) "Staring into Senility"

9) "Norman Rockwell's The Geezer"

8) "Below the Waist, Chaps Only, No. 5"

7) "No Lips in Blue"

6) "Profile of a Profile of a Pitcher"

5) "A Texas Ranger, But Not Chuck Norris"

4) "Portrait of the Artist's Grandfather"

3) "Mrs. Coverdale's Fourth-Grade Art Assignment, By Tommy Fitzsimmons"

2) "Old on Canvas"

1) "The Bald Ranger"

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes insert

Reid Ryan, 1996 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Reid Ryan
Team: Charleston RiverDogs (definitely not the Texas Rangers)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One tarnished silver spoon
Key 1995 life stat: Son of Nolan Ryan
Pop quiz, Junior:

What question from a reporter has Reid Ryan so stumped?

A) "How exactly are you a 'Top Prospect' when you're 0-10 with a 9.34 ERA?"
B) "How are you going to celebrate your 14th birthday?"
C) "Have you ever seen a grown man naked, Reid?"
D) "Who did you steal that Rangers hat from, meat?"
E) "Has your dad ever put you in a headlock?"

Reid Ryan, 1996 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Nolan Ryan, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Ace
Value of card: One clump of dog hair
Key 1988 stat: 300 mph
Stop us if you've heard this one before:

Q: How many Nolan Ryans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: More than it takes to beat the crud out of Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1989 Upper Deck

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Upper Deck Ryan Express insert

Names: Nolan Ryan, Nolan Ryan, Nolan Ryan, Nolan Ryan and Nolan Ryan

Teams: California Angels, from left, Houston Astros, Texas Rangers, New York Mets

Position: Ace

Value of card: 5 Nolans x 0 demand = 0 cents

Key 1989 stat: Five players, a collective 276 years old

It's acrostic time:

Never met a bottle of hooch he didn't like.

Outside, he was a cowboy. Inside, he was a little boy.

Like many old men, he would rather spend time with his pets than his family.

Angels, Mets, Astros, Rangers, and, apparently, the Houston Texans.

No-hitters. The only time he'd accept the word "no."

Ridges and ridges of wrinkles.

Y'all don't mess with Texas, ya hear?

Another gaudy Upper Deck illustration of Nolan Ryan.

Never ... (hiccup) ... met aaaa (gulp) ... bottle of hooch ... (hiccup) ... wait, whatta ya lookin' at, partner?

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Upper Deck Ryan Express insert

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Name: Nolan Ryan

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Ace

Value of card: One childhood portrait of Matt Damon

Key 1991 stat: Two respresentations on this card alone!
R.I.P. Peter Graves: With apologies to Captain Oveur and the geniuses behind "Airplane!" here are the top 10 things we imagine Nolan Ryan saying to the little brat in this illustration.

10) "Joey, you ever spend any time in a minor league locker room?"
9) "Do you like it when grown men put people in headlocks, Joey?"

8) "Joey, have you ever been to a sausage factory?"

7) "Joey, have you ever played the hot corner?"

6) "Would you like to see the Ryan Express, Joey?"

5) "Joey, you ever seen Mookie Wilson naked?"

4) "Joey, do you spend much time around silicone rubber?"

3) "You ever eat a lizard, Joey?"

2) "Joey, can you explain the infield fly rule to me?"

1) "Joey, have you ever given a sumo wrestler a sponge bath?"

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Donruss Coca-Cola insert

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, puppy mill owner
Value of card: A two-pack of flea collars
Key 1991 stat: One arrest for animal abuse
Man's cutest friend: Don't let that smile fool you — Nolan Ryan is a very angry man in this photo. He'll be damned if some puppy is going to out-cute him. Incensed at the retriever's better grin, softer fur and superior fashion sense, the pitcher lashed out at the conclusion of this shoot. Ryan put the dog in a headlock, then picked him up and chucked him across the barnyard as hard as he could. The pup, however, had the last laugh, eating what was left of the pitcher's bean-and-frank lunch and then leaving a "Ryan Express" on the man's pillow.

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Donruss Coca-Cola insert

Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, 1990 Fleer Super Star Specials

Names: Nolan Ryan, Mike Scott

Teams: Texas Rangers, Houston Astros

Positions: Aces

Value of card: 1/300 of a cent

Key 1989 stat: One bitter rivalry

An argument deep in the heart of Texas:

Ryan: (To cameraman) "Do we really have to do this?"

Scott: (Also to cameraman) "Seriously, partner, I can't stand this old man."

Ryan: (Turning to Scott) "Listen here, sonny, you can't hold my Texas-heated jockstrap. I'm the Ryan Express."

Scott: "Express to the old-folks home."

Ryan: "You're awfully mouthy for a guy with a junior mullet and no sideburns."

Scott: "Let me apologize: I'm sorry my flowing locks unleash the jealously of a man suffering from male-pattern baldness."

Ryan: "We'll see how you look when you're my age."

Scott: "I won't be wearing 2-pound eyebrows, I'll tell you that."

Ryan: "Leave my bushy buddies out of this, son."

Scott: "Yeah, what are you going to do about it, grandpa?"

Ryan: "I'll grab that 6-inch Adam's apple of yours and make you scream like a woman."

Scott: "You mean like your pretty-little wife did last night?"

(Cameraman separates the two.)

Ryan: "You know, that 'T-R-O-S' on your jersey should be replaced with an 'S-H-O-L-E.'"

Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, 1990 Fleer Super Star Specials

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Names, from bottom left: Frank Thomas, Nolan Ryan, Bo Jackson, Ken Griffey Jr., Cal Ripken Jr.

Teams: Chicago White Sox (Thomas, Jackson), Texas Rangers (Ryan) Seattle Mariners (Griffey), Baltimore Orioles (Ripken)

Positions: First base (Thomas), Pitcher (Ryan), Outfield (Jackson, Griffey), Shortstop (Ripken)

Value of card: 3 ounces of moon rock

Key 1991 stat: Five stars, five descriptions

Five stars in orbit:

Thomasmetrica-35: Found approximately 14 million light years from Earth, Thomasmetrica-35 was a supergiant star, one of the biggest in the universe. It towered over other stars in the American League nebula, its gravitational power hitting its peak in the mid-1990s, before suddenly combusting into a red dwarf star, capable of few of its former feats.

Ryanitoba-5714: One of the oldest stars in the universe, Ryanitoba-5714 is crisscrossed by deep canyons, wrinkle-like, throughout its face. These crevices are actively viewed with the human eye in Texas, but in most other regions its popularity has waned with age.

Bo-hemia-34: This main sequence star is well-known for its fast rotation and the force of its sun bursts. This combination of speed and power has translated into a twofold existence: in the spring and summer, Bo-hemia-34 shrinks and becomes circular, with two endless red ridges; in the fall, it grows and elongates at its poles, sprouts one large white ridge at its center and turns brown. Books have been written about Bo-hemia-34's shape-shifting, only seen in one other major star, Deionistis-7.

Ofgriffey-2: Once a junior star to its closest relative, Ofgriffey-1, Ofgriffey-2 has grown massive, with immense popularity in the field and the ability to send its bursts into orbit. Despite its size, astronomers still refer to it by a nickname, "The Kid."

Ripkenocus-2632: This white dwarf has been counter-rotating at a record pace for 2,632 light years, the longest known counter rotation in the universe. This constant backward rotation has damaged the planets that rely on Ripkenocus-2632, as well as its exoskeleton, but it continues to spin and spin, as if only for assurance the record will never be broken.

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Two angus burgers
Key 1991 stat: One disappearance
Ryan Express goes Pony Express: In the twilight of his career, Nolan Ryan often forewent off-season workouts, in the interest of both resting his aging body and pursuing other hobbies. But the Ryan Express took things to another level during the winter of 1991-92. When he didn't turn up for spring training in February, Rangers officials formed a search party and combed the greater western United States in search of the ace. Tips began to come in reporting a man who resembled the pitcher going by the name "Roland Nyan" and heading up a cattle drive from Montana to Texas. Reportedly, the cowboy would roll through small towns, chasing off crooked sheriffs by using 98-mph fastballs instead of guns. He was jailed once, but quickly escaped when the residents of Dodge City rioted and busted him out. He turned up in Laredo, Texas, in March, stinking of heifers, sweat-stained leather and rye, but ready to pitch. However, his final major league season was cut short by the worst case of saddle sores that doctors had ever seen.

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, benevolent leader
Value of card: The truth
Key 1990 stat: 34 people recruited
Tragedy in Texas: Sure, everyone knows Nolan Ryan was a stud on the mound and an all-around badass everywhere else. But few ever heard about the government standoff he was involved in during the 1990 season. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms received word that Ryan had started a cult, luring in young boys who wore replica Rangers uniforms and young women in baggy dresses and off-center haircuts. The feds swooped in, surrounding Arlington Stadium and urging the fireballer to release his followers. Ryan ignored their requests, instead sending out a pallet of Rangers road unis, all No. 34. A three-day impasse ensued, ending when ATF agents stormed the stadium, tackling anyone in cleats. Ryan and his believers had escaped, however, and the government ended up only pressing charges against Julio Franco, who was caught having inappropriate relations with his bat.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards