Gary Clark, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 58)

Name: Gary Clark
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A reflection of a nickel
Key 1992 stat: Two floating heads
A shameful pop quiz: What is Gary Clark thinking about?

A) That Lionel Richie song
B) What he and his identical twin did to end up in jail
C) Touchdowns, baby. Touchdowns.
D) Why John Riggins won't stop wearing that racist headdress
E) All of the above

Gary Clark, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 58)

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Six feet and 10 inches of dog turds
Key 1994 stat: One sad
Randy Johnson's train of thought from 3:10 to 3:12 p.m., March 24, 1995: "Sigh. It's just not fair. Why do the guys always have to hold a limbo contest before practice starts? I can't bend that far     heck, my knees are taller that the starting point! Sigh. It sure does look like a lot of fun, though. Plus, the winner gets a Tupperware full of Griffey's jerk chicken and a bag of Buhner's finest Jamaican reefer. I like those things. Siiiigh. I guess I'll just sit over here by the bat rack and smell my mullet for a little while. Hmm, is that mustard? Mmm, Dijon! I remember that sandwich. Oh, man. Now I'm hungry. Sigh. Guess I'll just lick my palm until they're done."

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Cameron
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 cents a minute
Key 1998 stat: 14 jewelry-induced neck strains
Conversation between Mike Cameron and an unknown caller, circa 1999: "Hello. Who's this? I can't hear ya. Speak up, son. Speak up. Ya there? I'm here. In the dugout. Just say something. You're right. I need to talk. I have a Gatorade drinking problem. It's true. I lost my uniform and now I think my manager hates me. I'm so sad. So, so sad. I just want to cry sometimes, ya know? It's like I have this huge weight on my shoulders and I can't lift it off. Oh, it feels so good to talk about it. This necklace I'm wearing? It's not real. I tell everyone it's real, but it's not. I got it for 600 tickets at a Chuck E. Cheese's. Man, I love pizza. Mmm, pizza. But seriously, thanks so much for listening. It means a lot. You're always there for me. Hello? Hello? Wait, why did I answer the radar gun?"

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Name: Fernando Gonzalez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: 4 inches of yellow
Key 1973 stat: Got to third base, but only on the field
Top 10 reasons why Fernando Gonzalez should cheer up:
10) The Royals weren't nearly as bad in '74 as they are now
9) Lots of guys would kill for a full head of hair like that
8) Delicious Kansas City barbecue
7) Delicious Kansas City humidity
6) He has his health. And his mustache. And his mustache's health.
5) This Kansas City isn't actually in Kansas
4) It's a chance to build the tornado shelter of his dreams
3) The Royals also held spring training in Florida, allowing Fernando to keep wrasslin' gators
2) It's not like the Royals already had a future star of a third baseman
1) Topps only airbrushed his collar. Other players fared much worse.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

Name: Frank Emanuel
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sad
Key 1968 stat: Constantly bullied
Conversation between Topps photographer and Frank Emanuel, Aug. 14, 1968:
TP: "OK, Frank, let's start by having you take a knee and remove your helmet. The kids love that pose."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh, kneels down) "OK..."
TP: "Um, OK, good, now just take off your helmet, please."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Why not?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Because Csonka super-glued my helmet to my ears and said that if I do manage to take it off, he'll punch me in the duodenum." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I don't even know what that is."
TP: "Wow. Well, can you at least tilt your head down a little so your eyes aren't covered by that 14-pound facemask?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Oh lordy."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Bob Griese got the locks changed at my house, so I had to sleep in my car last night." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't move my neck at all. And I don't know who will feed Captain Stinky."
TP: "Captain Stinky?"
FE: "My bunny."
TP: "OK then. Well, can you at least smile for me?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh)
TP: "You know what? Never mind. (Takes photo) Next!"

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Name: Emmitt Smith, aka "Lone Star Sheriff"
Team: Callous Cowboys
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Tetanus
Key 1994 splat: Wore sheet metal
Emmitt Smith's train of thought from 4:02 to 4:04 p.m., Feb. 23, 1994: "Well, looks like I'll be firing my agent. I mean, what the hell am I wearing right now? I'm holding a football that looks like a gigantic drill bit, they put makeup on me for no discernible reason, and my shoulder pads used to be part of a storage shed. Plus, they gave me a 10-gallon hat that spent most of its life as a 10-gallon pail. And since when is a sheriff a monster? Well, OK, Michael Irvin might think so, but I find that offensive! That's it, I'm protesting this shoot by making the saddest face I can."

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Lee Lacy, 1982 Topps

Name: Lee Lacy. Yes, really
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Positions: Outfield, second base
Value of card: An acre of yellow
Key 1981 stat: Two names of differing gender
Top 10 things Lee Lacy was sad about in 1981:

10) The mid-season strike
9) The mid-season end to free meals
8) Playing 10 years without ever appearing in more than 109 games
7) Teammates always calling him by his last name first
6) Teammates always calling him by obscenities second
5) Wearing a tarp for an undershirt
4) Those yellow batting helmets
3) Nobody liking his poems
2) Knowing that MTV was going to sell out at some point
1) People knowing his full first name was Leondaus

Lee Lacy, 1982 Topps

Brent Abernathy, 2001 Upper Deck

Name: Brent Abernathy
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Position: Infield
Value of card: 12 pieces of devil ray excrement
Key 2000 stat: Zero smiles
Devil Rays' scouting report on rookie Brent Abernathy: "Man, this kid's enthusiasm is something special. Look at that look of excitement on his face. ... If baseball doesn't work we can use him in the devil ray tank, as bait. ... Has the personality of chum. ... Looks like an athlete, a kick ball athlete, but an athlete nonetheless. ... Wears the 'TB' on his cap well: Total Bust. ... We think we've found his natural position: far from the field, in a Sears photo studio. ... Forget this kid, let's look for more players name 'Ray.'"

Brent Abernathy, 2001 Upper Deck

Matt Stark, 1991 Classic

Name: Matt Stark
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The ability to grow 5 o'clock shadow at 11 a.m.
Key 1990 stats: Four hits, six strikeouts
Cheer up — take this quiz:

What's got Matt Stark so glum?

A) He knows how terrible he is at baseball.
B) He knows how terrible he is with the ladies.
C) He knows how terrible he looks in red.
D) He knows how terrible this Classic baseball card set is going to be.
E) All of the above.

Matt Stark, 1991 Classic

Jeromy Burnitz, 1994 Topps Stadium Club ML Debut

Name: Jeromy Burnitz

Team: New York Mets

Position: Right field

Value of card: Two pieces of used finger tape

Key 1993 stat: Countless hours waiting for a shot at the big time

Sadness debuts: Jeromy Burnitz was ecstatic when he was called up to the big leagues June 21, 1993. He got his mullet trimmed. He double-wrapped athletic tape around his fingers for no reason. He made sure his bulge was in place and put on his best pair of Pony high-tops. But manager Dallas Green didn't pencil Burnitz into the starting lineup. With tears streaming down his face he left the dugout and plopped himself down on the dirt in front of a local TV station sign. He thought about his mother at home in California watching the game, her "Little Mooky" nowhere in sight. He thought about his college buddies in Oklahoma, drinking beers and screaming at the TV, "I think I saw him! No. Wait, there he is! No." He sat and he cried, taking comfort in grabbing his junk, thinking about the people he loved and wondering who this "JerEmy Burnitz" guy was on the lineup card and why he got a shot in right field for the Mets.

Jeromy Burnitz, 1994 Topps Stadium Club ML Debut