Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dave Concepcion
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 flakes of cigarette ash
Key 1983 stat: Zero minutes hanging in a museum
Welcome to Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week: Once again, we'd like to apologize. We've brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings, God-Awful Diamond Kings, Dreadful Diamond Kings, Horrendous Diamond Kings, Disturbing Diamond Kings and Diamond Kings we just had to apologize for. But now, our greatest latest set of Donruss' premier only painted subset: Diamond Kings that are so frightening, they'll haunt your dreams. Enjoy!
Don't fall asleep: You may be getting tired, but we'd stay away from bed. You never know when "Crazy Eyes" Concepcion might be lurking in the shadows, ready to render you unconscious with the chloroform-soaked rag tucked into his batting helmet. Concepcion might have been slick in the field, but he was slicker when covered in the blood of his victims, especially after he wore the "Texas Chainsaw"-style flesh mask pictured above. Consider yourself forewarned: Don't sleep on this Diamond King.

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Name: Fernando Gonzalez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: 4 inches of yellow
Key 1973 stat: Got to third base, but only on the field
Top 10 reasons why Fernando Gonzalez should cheer up:
10) The Royals weren't nearly as bad in '74 as they are now
9) Lots of guys would kill for a full head of hair like that
8) Delicious Kansas City barbecue
7) Delicious Kansas City humidity
6) He has his health. And his mustache. And his mustache's health.
5) This Kansas City isn't actually in Kansas
4) It's a chance to build the tornado shelter of his dreams
3) The Royals also held spring training in Florida, allowing Fernando to keep wrasslin' gators
2) It's not like the Royals already had a future star of a third baseman
1) Topps only airbrushed his collar. Other players fared much worse.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Jimmy Key, 1988 Topps

Name: Jimmy Key
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A single tear
Key 1987 stat: Forever alone
Jimmy Key's train of thought from 7:21 to 7:24 p.m., April 23, 1988: "Hey, how come nobody wants to sit with me? Guys? I don't have a no-hitter going, you know. You wouldn't be jinxing anything. ... What, is it my plastic second-layer shirt? I know it makes strange noises, but that's not actually me farting. See, look. (rubs plastic shirt material together) Ha-ha, it sure sounds like it though. That's funny. ... But seriously, guys, come on. I just want some company. We can talk about whatever you want. Or we don't have to talk at all. You can just ignore me, pretend I'm not even there, like my wife does. ... No one? Not even if I warm up the seat with my hand? Aw, this sucks. I knew I should have showered this week."

Jimmy Key, 1988 Topps

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 31)

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One goose feather
Key 1990 stat: Watched "Road House" 17 times
Pop quiz time: Why is Goose so sad?

A) Nobody wants a mustache ride
B) Studio refused to call him by his nickname
C) He's really only a little sad, but everything is bigger in Texas
D) He's thinking about how he always dies in "Top Gun"
E) All of the above

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 31)

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.

Team: Seattle Mariners ... maybe

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting sausage

Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of rotting sausage, eaten

Just one of those cards: We here at the Bust could skewer this card with a Top 10, a Pop Quiz or a Scouting Report, but with a card this bad, we feel the need to be straightforward. Let's start with the uniform, or the lack thereof. Maybe ol' Jimmy Dean should have forked over the extra dough to the players association to at least make it appear Griffey played in the major leagues, rather than the Southern Sausage League. Then there's the Jimmy Dean logo. A cowboy boot "J"? That's witty, partner. Also, this is a "signature edition," yet no signature appears on the card? The red and yellow border is a nice touch, though. You don't want anyone to forget this card comes from a sausage company. Griffey didn't help matters much. Look close, his teenage mustache contains 18 hairs. He's making love to the camera and is close to making love to the bat. Bottom line: It's never good to see how the sausage card is made.

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps

Name: Ed Lynch
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Sorrow
Key 1986 stat: 37 neck wrinkles
The ABCs of Ed Lynch:
A) Acres of chin
B) Blue — not just the color of his V-neck jersey
C) Chicago's saddest man
D) Didn't miss many bats — only 58 K's in 101 innings pitched
E) Expandable throat allowed him to swallow his food whole
F) Facial expression sums up Cubs baseball over the past century
G) Gloomy Gus
H) His heater was more like a lukewarm breeze
I) Irrigation canals on face
J) Jawline nonexistent
K) Knee injury in 1986 not nearly as painful as his broken heart
L) Last year in big leagues was 1987
M) Maybe it should have been 1985, judging by the stats
N) Never learned how to laugh
O) Overactive jowl gland
P) Prune-neck
Q) Quietly wept in the dugout
R) Runners would get hypnotized trying to count his chin folds
S) Squinty
T) Traded by the Mets before they won the World Series. Explains some of the melancholy.
U) Undershirt clearly visible
V) Velvety-smooth skin flaps
W) Wood-grain border on card inspired at least one mediocre humor site
X) X marks the spot — Lynch's neck rolls hold buried treasure
Y) Youth long forgotten
Z) Zero haircuts in previous six months

Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps

Tom Brookens, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tom Brookens
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Third base
Value of card: One saddle sore
Key 1988 stat: 16 ounces of 'stache
Fun facts about Tom Brookens and Tom Brookens' mustache:

• Tom Brookens struck out 74 times in 1988. His mustache never struck out.
• Tom Brookens once committed four errors in a game. His mustache always erred on the side of awesome.
• Tom Brookens enjoys Western movies. His mustache could star in one.
• Tom Brookens has a car that can seat up to five people. His mustache can also seat up to five people.
• Tom Brookens likes steak and potatoes. His mustache has enough food in it to feed an impoverished African community.
• Tom Brookens is now 56 years old. His mustache is timeless.

Tom Brookens, 1989 Donruss

Maury Wills, 1987 Topps Turn Back the Clock

Name: Maury Wills

Team:
BrooklynLos Angeles Dodgers

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Six splinters from the wood grain within the wood grain

Key 1962 stat: Two mismatched eyes

Topps middle manager marketing pitch, circa 1986: "OK, I have this great idea. In our 1987 set, we include an insert series called 'Turn Back the Clock.' It'll be great. Kids will love getting worthless cards of players they've never heard of. Yeah, yeah, I have the perfect example. We start out with this fabulous card from 1962. It's a classic: Maury Wills, staring blankly at the camera, showing no personality whatsoever, looking like he has never worn a baseball cap before. It's perfect. And you know what's even better? The borders are wood grain, just like the '87 set. So we'll have an emotionless player and wood grain within wood grain. You see the genius here, right, sir? We show our customers we really haven't evolved in 25 years. They'll appreciate how far we haven't come. Uh-huh. Yes, I thought of it myself. What do you mean, 'Have I been drinking?' Well, I don't have any better ideas."

Maury Wills, 1987 Topps Turn Back the Clock

Fred Lynn, 1989 Topps

Name: Fred Lynn

Team: Detroit Tigers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Three used dryer sheets
Key 1988 stat: 491 times asked, "Why so serious?"

And the award goes to: In 1975, Fred Lynn became the first player to win Rookie of the Year and MVP in the same season. Here are some other awards he received over the course of his career:

1977: Gray's Auto Body customer of the month (April)

1979: Major League Baseball Spelling Bee participant award

1982: Wiener and Still Champion award (most hot dogs eaten in one hour at First National Frank in Boston)

1983: Spanish 102 student of the year at Landau Community College

1985: "I Survived The Zipper" T-shirt, Frederick County Fair

1987: $5 loyal customer gift card from Cork & Bottle Liquor Store, Baltimore, Md.

1988: 14th-place trophy, 33rd Annual Detroit Three-Man Potato Sack Race

1990: Best back rub of the year, according to Tony Gwynn

Fred Lynn, 1989 Topps

Barry Bonds, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Positions: Left field, face on bat

Value of card: I'm (sob) not (sob) sure (sob)

Key 1990 stat: 12 buckets of tears

Time for another pop quiz:

Why is Barry Bonds melancholy?

(A) His ratty flattop needs a trim.

(B) His bat is cheating on him with Chuck Knoblauch and Julio Franco.

(C) The photographer made him take out his ridiculous cross earring for this card.

(D) He's ashamed of having a picture of himself on his wristbands.

(E) He had the foresight, in 1991, to realize this absurd pose would one day wind up on an even more absurd baseball card blog.

(F) All of the above.

Barry Bonds, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Carl Yastrzemski, 1983 Topps

Name: Carl Yastrzemski

Team: Boston Red Sox

Position: Designated (infield practice) hitter

Value of card: $4 ear hair trim at Fantastic Sam's

Key 1982 stat: 7,212 balls hit in practice; zero balls hit during games

(Barely) living legend: As far as mythical baseball heroes go in Beantown, few rival "Yaz." He is the last player to win the Triple Crown and was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1989. In 67 seasons with the Red Sox, he produced some of the biggest numbers and deepest sunken eyes in franchise history. This may explain why management had a tough time letting him go. In the 1983 season, the man of many consonants played the role of designated infield practice hitter, as seen above. The crowds came out in droves to see Yastrzemski, but usually were disappointed when he'd leave the stadium after hitting a few fungos to make sure he hit Denny's Early Bird Special. Unfounded rumors spread that he was so old he farted dust, his Social Security number was 1 and he remembered when rainbows were black and white, but he did take Don Zimmer's mother to junior prom.

Carl Yastrzemski, 1983 Topps

Derrick Alexander, 1994 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 16)

Name: Derrick Alexander

Team: Cleveland Browns

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: One night at the Ramada in Boca Raton

Key 1993 stat: 7,126 chest hairs

Time for another pop quiz:

What was Alexander doing when this photo was taken?

(A) Harvesting coffee beans with his great-uncle, Juan Valdez.

(B) Attending the "Fourth Annual Hunks with Bleached Goatees Convention" in Key West.

(C) Staring into the depths of a life filled with promise only to find disappointment and promises unkept.

(D) Just basking, baby. Just basking.

(E) Posing for a ridiculous football card, sans pants.

Derrick Alexander, 1994 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 16)

Alvin Davis, 1989 Topps

Name: Alvin Davis

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: First base

Value of card: Keep looking into my eyes and I'll tell ya

Key 1988 stat: One of three chipmunks

Alvin Davis' conversation with Topps photographer, 1989: "What are you doing all the way over there, baby? Come a little bit closer. No, a bit closer. C'mon, girl, I won't bite. Look into these doe eyes; all you're going to see is love, baby. That's right. Good. Good. Let me put on this giant batting helmet so I look even sexier. Ah, now I'm feeling all right. I'm in the mood for love, and these baby browns are seeing you are, too. C'mere, girl. Just a bit closer so the kids can see what a real baseball player looks like. Give them the opportunity to witness my luxurious wraparound mustache in all its glory. Now, snap the picture. Closer, closer. Snap that picture. There you go, sweetcheeks; just like a woman, a baseball card can never be too close."

Alvin Davis, 1989 Topps

Lou Johnson, 1968 Topps

Name: "Sweet" Lou Johnson

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 1/10,000th of Johnson's $26,000 1968 salary

Key 1967 stat: 140,000 "oohs"

Things that make you go "Ooh": What could have made "Sweet" Lou Johnson exclaim, "Ooh," before a game in 1968? He was a pious man, so it wasn't a buxom bombshell in the stands. He wasn't a man shackled to an enormous ego, so he wasn't looking at his doe eyes in a mirror. He wasn't a spiteful man, so he wasn't watching a teammate take a back swing to the face. But "Sweet" Lou Johnson was a celebrated crooner, whose 1967 hit, "Ooh, Ooh, Baby, Ooh," made it to No. 435 on the Billboard charts. In the above photo, the crack Topps photography staff caught "Sweet" Lou belting out a version of "Ooh, Ooh, Baby, Ooh," to his manager, Leo Durocher, whose tears puddled on the dugout ground.

Card submitted by Chris Treadway

Lou Johnson, 1968 Topps