Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Name: Pat Swilling
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Bark
Key 1992 stat: 27 trees hid under during lightning storms
This quiz is swill: How come Pat Swilling's relaxing half-naked under an oak tree?

A) You got a better idea on how to spend a Tuesday?
B) Waiting for you, sweetheart. Just waiting for you.
C) He's getting back to his roots.
D) He's trying to sneak a peek up Kosar's shorts.
E) All of the above.

Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Name: Rickey Jackson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One paper bag, worn over the head
Key 1989 stat: 74 tackles (of his barber)
Here's a Caption that likely didn't run in the New Orleans Times-Picayune circa 1989: "Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson shows off his new haircut during Sunday's game in Chicago, claiming its design gives him an aerodynamic advantage on the field. However, when asked how that advantage worked once his helmet was on, Jackson stuttered and then broke down in tears, admitting to losing a bet over how many pimento loaf sandwiches he could eat in one sitting after coming up three short of the wagered mark of 60."

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Name: Morten Anderson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 10 toenail clippings
Key 1990 stat: 240 hours spent perched on a goal post
Conversation between Pro Line photographer and Morten Anderson, circa 1990:
Pro Line Photographer: "Morten, Morten, will you please come down from there?"
Morten Anderson: "No. No, no, no, no. No!"
PLP: "Morten, please, this is supposed to be a professional photo shoot."
MA: "I don't wanna. I don't have to take some stupid picture if I don't wanna."
PLP: "Morten, this is written into your contract. Please, come down."
MA: "My mom says I don't have to do anything that I don't want to."
PLP: "Morten, this will be quick. Please come down and I'll take a photo and we'll be done. I'll even give you a candy bar."
MA: "Fine, I'll come down. But I'm not putting on any pants or combing my hair."
PLP: "Forget it. (shoots photo) We're done here."
MA: "But you promised me a candy bar!"

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:

• Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
• Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
• Number of women and children frightened in a season
• Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
• Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Vaughan Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 27)

Name: Vaughan Johnson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Positions: Linebacker, perched on a jug
Value of card: 11 grains of powder Gatorade mix
Key 1990 stat: 126 inches of socks, combined
10 things that could be in that Gatorade jug:
10) Gatorade (the diet light purple kind that tastes like rust)
9) Lots of, um, stuff from "bathroom time" that's earmarked for Saints rookie hazing
8) 42 of fellow Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson's hats
7) Liquid the Saints would never get a chance to pour on coach Jim Mora in the playoffs
6) A shadow that looks like a schlong (oh, wait, that's outside the jug)
5) A scrunched-up Vaughn Dunbar, because he spells his first name wrong, sucka
4) 22 more pairs of short-shorts (he's wearing three more under the two you can see)
3) Powerade®: The complete sports drink for athletes everywhere
2) Sweat —gallons and gallons and gallons of it
1) Vaughan's johnson

Vaughan Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 27)

Alex Molden, 1996 Donruss (Football Friday No. 135)

 

Name: Alex Molden

Team: New Orleans Saints

Position: Cornerback

Value of card: A moldy dollop of sour cream

Key 1996 stat: 42,801 hours spent trying to balance a football on his head

Saints' scouting report of rookie defensive back Alex Molden, circa 1995: "This guy can cover anything. At least, that's what his college newspaper adviser said about his reporting skills. ... It looks like he can barely raise his hands above his head. We're working on that. ... His ball-handling skills are a little lacking. However, his ball-balancing-on-head skills are superb. ... He says he picked the number 36 because he runs a 3.6. Too bad that was the 20-yard dash. ... His agent keeps calling him 'Alex Golden.' That guy's an idiot."

Alex Molden, 1996 Donruss (Football Friday No. 135)

Renaldo Turnbull, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 7)

Name: Renaldo Turnbull, aka "Raging"
Team: Boo Orleans Haints
Position: Linebacker
Fright value of card: Two pounds of bull...
Key 1994 splat: A cracked hoof
Fun facts about Renaldo Turnbull and an actual bull: 

• An actual bull will charge at the color red. Renaldo Turnbull also hates communists. 
• An actual bull has its own astrological symbol, Taurus. Renaldo Turnbull uses the "What's your sign?" line way too much.
• An actual bull is worshiped in some cultures. Renaldo Turnbull sure does think a lot of himself.
• An actual bull runs through the streets of Pamplona, Spain. Renaldo Turnbull once ran pantsless through the streets of New Orleans after one too many mint juleps.
• An actual bull tries to run over a guy in tights with a cape. Renaldo Turnbull tried to run over Tommy Maddox.
• An actual bull spends a lot of its time trying to impregnate heifers. Same for Renaldo Turnbull.

Renaldo Turnbull, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 7)

Eric Martin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 2)

Name: Eric Martin
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A rusted punching bag
Key 1991 stat: Zero times mowing the lawn
Inappropriate: It's time for the game craze that's sweeping America — "Football Player or Male Stripper?"

Exhibit A: Not wearing a shirt (3 points for stripper)
Exhibit B: Holding a football (3 points for football player)
Exhibit C: Apparently lives in a shed with a weed-littered backyard (1 point for stripper)
Exhibit D: Wrapping arms and legs around pole (5 points for stripper)
Exhibit E: Some sort of punching bag in background (1 point for football player)
Exhibit F: Wearing football pants (4 points for football player)
Exhibit G: Uncertain, possibly scared look on face (2 points for stripper)
Exhibit H: Wearing a garbage bag around waist (0 points for either side — it's just ridiculous)

Final score: Stripper 11, football player 8

Verdict: Eric Martin is a stripper. But even if he is a football player, you'd think he could spare the money to hire a landscaper and clean up that yard. I'm sure his neighbors would appreciate it. Geez.

Eric Martin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 2)

Vaughn Dunbar, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 25)

Name: Vaughn Dunbar

Team: New Orleans Saints

Position: Running back

Value of card: One bejeweled anchor necklace

Key 1990 stat: 124 stripes on pants

Fashion, for football's sake: Some players play football for the opportunity to win a championship. Some play for riches. Others stick with the sport for statistics and personal achievements. Then there's Vaughn Dunbar, who played football for its fashion. A day didn't go by in the early 1990s when Dunbar didn't wear Zubaz pants. He saw them as more than a trend; they were an identity. But Zubaz pants weren't enough. Oh no. His fashion-forward mentality led him to trademark the first half-Zubaz hat, a fitting compliment for his louder-than-a-train-horn pants. But Dunbar's stylish ensemble didn't end there. After months of contemplation and searching, he found a diamond anchor necklace at a pawn shop on a New Orleans pier. Sixteen hundred dollars later, it hung from his neck, suggestively pointing to his goods, which were wrapped in the finest of textiles. (Yes, Zubaz.) With his outfit nearly complete, Dunbar set out to find a shirt. Then, in a moment of enlightenment, he realized no shirt could match the grandeur of his pants, hat and necklace. So he never wore one again.

Vaughn Dunbar, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 25)