Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: 70 cents on Amazon (Hurry, only three left in stock!)
Key 2010 stat: Zero (expletives) given about being on a baseball card after retirement
Top 10 things you might not know about this Mike Schmidt card:
10) He had his hair permed for three hours before the shot.
9) That eagle isn't a card accoutrement; Schmidt kept a miniature eagle as a pet.
8) This is hanging in the Louvre.
7) The Phillies dugout featured crisscrossed plywood slats.
6) This is a shot from the original casting session for "Magnum P.I."
5) Until a few days before production, this series was called "Bad-win Champions"
4) That was the Phillies away uniform in 1979.
3) He's holding a contract saying Upper Deck has the right to make him look ridiculous.
2) Upper Deck added "Baseball" to the top-left corner of the card in place of "Orgy."
1) The lower half of his body is in a Jacuzzi.

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: Rhymes with "Schmidt"
Key 1987 stat: One all-star hair helmet
Can't beat a classic: Ahh, the 1988 Topps set. In addition to boasting top-notch photography and high standards of quality (*cough*), it's clear that the good people behind '88 Topps also had a creative side. Or maybe they were just color blind. Purple and green as the base colors for the Phillies? Why not? Pink and yellow for the Dodgers? Terrific! Green and orange for the Expos? Sounds great. Red and blue for the Angels? Absolu     oh, wait, that actually is correct. Carry on, then.

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Mike Schmidt, 1982 Topps

Name: Chuck Norris Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, Tae Kwon Do champion
Value of card: "What'd you ask?" (roundhouse kick to the face)
Key 1981 stat: 17 knockouts (from roundhouse kicks to the face)
Clearing up some rumors about Chuck Norris Mike Schmidt:

• Mike Schmidt doesn't shave around his mustache. The hairs are afraid to grow.
• Mike Schmidt didn't sign his name on this card like a third-grader. He punched the ink into letters, and then punched a third-grader.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't have girl bangs. He bangs girls.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't cheat death. He beats it fair and square.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't dress like Chuck Norris. He's on the Phillies, not the Texas Rangers.

Mike Schmidt, 1982 Topps

Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt, 1981 Topps Home Run Leaders

Names: Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt
Teams: New York Yankees, Milwaukee Brewers, Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Outfield, outfield, third base
Value of card: In mint condition, 20 cents; this card is far from mint condition
Key 1980 stat: Some number of home runs, apparently
It's time for a three-way edition of The Matchup: 

Round 1: Movie star shades (Winner: Jackson)
Round 2: Movie star squints (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Well-manicured mustache (Winner: Jackson)
Round 4: Mustache made of horse hair (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Perfectly rounded afro (Winner: Jackson)
Round 6: Homeless hair (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 7: Lack of Hall of Fame invites (Winner: Oglivie)

Score: Jackson 3, Schmidt 3, Oglivie 1

Synopsis: Hall of Famers Jackson and Schmidt were neck and neck throughout, but neither could come away with a win after non-Hall of Famer Oglivie torpedoed The Matchup.

Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt, 1981 Topps Home Run Leaders

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Name: Mike Schmidt

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Third base

Value of card: The "best" price for collectors: Nothing

Key 1985 stat: Apparently, a slightly-above-average .266 batting average

Best of the rest: Slugger. Gold Glove third baseman. Perennial All-Star. Hall of Famer. Mike Schmidt was a legend on the field, but it was still a bit puzzling when Fleer selected him to be part of the Baseball's Best subset in 1986. Schmidt was getting up there in years, and wasn't hitting as many home runs as he once did. His batting average? As the card says, .266. Nothing "best" about that. Best stirrups? Maybe, but other players looked good in them, too. Mustache? Probably not. So what was it? Take another look at the card. Yup, it's obvious now, isn't it? Mike Schmidt: Baseball's Best Butt for a 37-year-old in a Baby-Blue Body Suit. Good call, Fleer.

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray, 1982 Topps League Leaders

Names: Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray
Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: 20 ounces of facial hair
Key 1981 stat: One strike-shortened season
Top 10 categories at least one of these two led their leagues in:
10) RBIs
9) Ill-fitting batting helmets
8) Nose hair
7) Gap teeth
6) Removing vowels from "LEADERS"
5) Squinting
4) Amount of hair per square inch
3) Hot dogs eaten
2) Mutton chops
1) Awesomeness

Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray, 1982 Topps League Leaders