Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling      and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Name: Benji Gil
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More like Benji Nil
Key 1991 stat: Rated best jawline in Chula Vista, Calif.
Rangers' scouting report on first-round draft choice Benji Gil: "For such a young kid, he's built like a tank. Wait, no, correction: He moves like a tank. ... Says he can't get enough of Michael Bolton's music. ... Could be a 20-20 guy      meaning hits and errors, not homers and steals. ... Reminds us a bit of Patrick Bateman from 'American Psycho.' So that's frightening. ... Look, the truth is, we thought we were getting the dog from the movies. Our bad."

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Name: Kevin Mmahat
Team: Columbus Clippers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mmm, nada
Key 1989 stat: Mmm, still searching
New York Yankees' scouting report on prospect Kevin Mmhat: "Mmm, can't quite figure it out, but there's something about that name I like. ... With that many M's in his last name, maybe he has a few K's in that arm. ... Has a 'hat' in his last name and we wear hats. It's a match! ... According to his glove, his nickname is 'Hat.' So creative. Sounds like a Yankee to me. ... Wait, how the hell do you pronounce this? Ma-hat. Em-em-hat. Ems-hat. Em-ma-hat. Screw it, let's keep him in the minors."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Chuck Mount
Team: Iowa Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mount it on the wall, still worthless
Key 1990 stat: 11 mountains summited
Cubs' scouting report on minor league prospect Chuck Mount: "Forget his pitching; I just want to hang out with this guy. ... What are the chances he uses his name as part of a pickup line with the ladies? ... Big-league butt chin. Definitely. ... Iowa Cubs. Chicago Cubs. What's the difference? Just bring him up. ... Just to ensure it's clear why we like him: His first name is a synonym for hamburger and his last name is something I try to do to my wife three times a year."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Name: Jay Baller
Team: Omaha Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: If you cut out that imperfection smudge on the left side of this card and offered it to someone on the street for a dollar, this card is worth the spit that would wind up on your face.
Key 1989 stat: 77 strikes (not strikeouts; just strikes)
Royals' scouting report on minor league prospect Jay Baller: "Says here this guy is a Baller. We have no indications of that. ... Might want to bring him to Kansas City if Omaha throws in a couple of steaks. ... Pitching skills aside, he has a real chance to make the Name Hall of Fame. ... Mustache? Baller. Mullet? Baller. Baseball skills? Not baller. ... Baller? I barely knew her! Ha! Wait, we're supposed to be evaluating this guy?"

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Rich Batchelor
Team: Fort Lauderdale Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 square inches of tarp
Key 1990 stat: Zero runs allowed during rain delays
Yankees' scouting report on pitching prospect Rich Batchelor: "From our research, he does well in an empty stadium with no other players on the field. ... Despite being a Batchelor, we don't need to worry about him getting sidetracked with the ladies. ... If he doesn't work out, we could deal him to the 'Revenge of the Nerds' production team. ... We can foresee a future on the New York Yankees, as the assistant to the traveling secretary. ... Rich Batchelor, poor pitcher."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Name: Colin Charland
Team: Palm Springs Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six ounces of those little charred bits you have to scrape off the barbecue
Key 1987 stat: Made his own hat
California Angels scouting report on prospect Colin Charland: "Needs to work on curve, changeup, growing eyebrows. ... If baseball doesn't work out, he can always go back to middle school. ...  Geez, we really need to pitch in for some new uniforms down in Palm Springs. ... Says his favorite food is pizza. Fitting, since that's what his face looks like, too. ... His fastball sits in the low 90s. He, himself, usually sits alone in the cafeteria at lunch. ... The sky's the limit for this kid      especially once he starts his second career as a flight attendant."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Name: Craig Smajstrla
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 ounces of pigeon poop
Key 1989 stat: 11 bunt attempts missed
Houston Astros' scouting report on minor-leaguer Craig Smajstrla: "Some of our players need a math tutor, so this kid might work out. ... This guy's a clutch hitter for the Toros? That's a bunch of bull. ... Four-tool player: calculator, protractor, compass and pocket protector. ... Forget this guy, let's call up that batting helmet. ... Chin is big league, but we'll need to work on the rest of that face. ... Smaj, Smajst, Smajstr — hell, we don't need a player whose name sounds like toothpaste being sucked through a vacuum cleaner."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Sean Lowe, 1993 Score Select First Round Draft Pick

Name: Sean Lowe
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bag of clouds
Key 1992 stat: 26 red birds killed with a pellet gun
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on first-round pick Sean Lowe: "Well, it's pretty obvious, but the sky is the limit with this kid — and it looks like he has reached his limit. ... Can't pitch worth a lick, but his vertical leap is 122,816 feet. ... His baseball IQ isn't that high; his head seems to be in the clouds. ... If that trampoline rule change comes to pass, this kid will be a star. ... His apparent ability to fly bodes well for a team with a bird for a mascot."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Sean Lowe, 1993 Score Select First Round Draft Pick

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

Name: Park Pittman
Team: Portland Beavers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 pound of chewed-up wood
Key 1989 stat: 287,119 "beaver" jokes in the dugout
Minnesota Twins' scouting report of Portland Beavers prospect Park Pittman: "Big-league mullet, so who cares about his arm? ... We'll never be able to trade him to the Cardinals after they see him sporting a jersey that's an obvious ripoff of theirs. ... Appears to be storing a beaver pelt under his cap, which is a plus. ... We'll need to enlist the team barber to even out that 'stache. ... Has a name fit for a baseball comedy movie, which translates well considering his laughable prospects in the big leagues. ... Can we just bring up this Beaver? The clubhouse is a serious sausage fest."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Position: Quarterback Outfield
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Name: Trevor Mallory
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Draft pick, pitcher
Value of card: Humor value: high; monetary value: nonexistent
Key 1991 stat: Only season at any pro level with more wins than losses (2-1)
Welcome to Fan Appreciation Week: We here at the Bust like to joke around that only six people read our site, but the truth is that our fan base is easily double that number. (Hi, Mom!) And those loyal fans of ours, from time to time, send us some pretty amazing cards to mock. We work them in from time to time, but this week we've decided to give them a special place of honor, running seven of them back to back. This one's for the fans!
Blue Jays scouting report, circa 1991, on second-round draft pick Trevor Mallory: "If this kid's fastball ever catches up to his fade, look out! ... Needs to work on slider, curveball, ability to button his clothes. ... In his high school yearbook, he was voted most likely to join Bell Biv Devoe, and those guys rule, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says his favorite food is those little vienna sausages that come in a can. Worrisome. ... Once struck out 10 batters and struck out with 10 girls all in the same day. ... Says he has no problem with removing his earring since it's made of plastic anyway. ... We project that he, much like his shirt, will be a front-line starter for many years to come."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Name: Harold Baines
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: #1 (cent)
Key 1977 stat: 12 designated hits (whatever that means)
Chicago White Sox scouting report on 1977 No. 1 draft pick Harold Baines: "Led his league in pop-outs — collar pop-outs. ... Sideburns have potential to hit .280. ... It's like his hair was made to have a baseball cap over it. ... Might look more like a big-leaguer if we get him out of the milkmaid outfit and into a uniform. ... No. 1 pick in the hair draft, so his future is bright. ... Has shown a lot of guts, if only for sporting that jewelry. ... We like nicknames, and 'Hair-old' is a built-in winner."

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Casey Jones, 1989-1990 7th Inning Sketch (Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Casey Jones
Team: North Bay Centennials
Position: Mascot
Value of card: 14 tickets to watch the North Bay Centennials, a junior ice hockey team in the Ontario Hockey League before their disbandment in 2002
Key 1988-89 stat: 761 mustache twirls
The North Bay Centennials' scouting report on mascot Casey Jones: "Anyone who will pierce his skin with sharp twigs to emulate above-nose whiskers is OK in our book.  ... We think this guy can 'conduct' the offense and 'engineer' victories. ... His mouth is perfectly shaped to shoot cylinders long distances, so we won't need to buy one of those shirt-zookas to rile up the crowd. ... He's got a locomotive, that's for sure (so say the ladies). ... It's our intent to frighten the children who attend our games to the point that they crap the bed and don't sleep for weeks, so we can consider that accomplished. ... We'll need to get those cheek tumors looked at. ... We're interested, but we think he might get a big head. ... Hell, we're a junior hockey team in Ontario, sign him up and let him play wherever he wants!"

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Casey Jones, 1989-1990 7th Inning Sketch (Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Arthur Rhodes, 1992 Pinnacle Rookie Prospect

Name: Arthur Rhodes
Team: Baltimore Orioles™
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 12 feathers from carcass of an oriole a soiled pigeon
Key 1991 stat: 47 dead orioles kept in a drawer
Orioles' scouting report on rookie prospect Arthur Rhodes: "We paid him his salary in fake gold jewelry, so it's no big deal if he doesn't pan out. ... If he can get as much movement on his curveball as he does on his mouth, we'll be all right. ... A minus: Falls off the mound after every pitch. ... A plus: Crossed eyes might confuse batters. ... Flipped us 'the bird' upon arrival, which actually fits in well with the Orioles franchise. ... Favorite actor? Dudley Moore. Favorite movie? Yup, 'Arthur.' ... We're always looking for a few good bulges. And this one comes with a twist."

Arthur Rhodes, 1992 Pinnacle Rookie Prospect

Bobby Abreu, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Bob Abreu
Team: Jackson Generals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One star, at best
Key 1994 stat: Out at third
Houston Astros 1995 scouting report on prospect Bob Abreu: "He may be a General, but he keeps showing off his privates. It's really inappropriate. ... Can't seem to match up his wristbands. He may be colorblind. ... Insists that he was the sixth member of Menudo. ... His no-look slides could use some work. ... Has a disquieting knowledge of Motel 6 locations. ... An excellent combination of power and speed. Wait, no, that's my review of the new Chevy Camaro. ... Still trying to find out his middle name, but it must start with a 'B,' because he keeps insisting that we call him 'Bob B.'"

Bobby Abreu, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospects