Dan McGwire, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 56)

Name: Zubaz      er, Dan McGwire
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Two stripes
Key 1992 stat: Refused to be photographed from the waist up
Clairvoyance: Don't get us wrong, this Pro Line Portrait definitely is shameful. Ol' Danny boy here has more shoes than a Foot Locker and pants loud enough to make Marlee Matlin wince, after all. But what's more amazing is the prescience of the photographer who took this shot. He clearly knew that 20 years later, Dan McGwire would be a faceless figure, forgotten about and relegated to lists of biggest draft busts in NFL history, but that Zubaz pants would live forever. All hail the Zubaz!

Dan McGwire, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 56)

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 ounces of seabird excrement
Key 1993 stat: 3 gallons of seawater drank
A stoner explains what's going on with this card: "Dude, pass that, man. Oh, sorry, man. Yeah, yeah. I was just about to start. Yeah. I got it, bro. Jeez. So, you're, like, looking at this guy, Rick Mir-ir-er or something. How do you say his name? Miiii-rer. Miiii-rer. Dude, if you say it slow it's hilarious. So this guy is playing football in the ocean, and his pants are all wet. ... Pass that, man. ... Dude, oh my god, man, my pants are wet, too. Did you spill that bong water on me? Oh, dude, it stinks! Bro, I'm going to barf. Hold on, pass that. ... OK, so this dude is taking a bath with a bird or something and he's looking at me and is all like, 'Hey, dude, why you looking at me take a bath with a bird, bro? That's not cool.' And he's right, man. That's not cool. Those wings are pretty cool. Dude! Great idea. Let's get some hot wings, man!"

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Name: Cortez Kennedy
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Six twigs, 12 berries
Key 1990 stat: 212 reps of a 423-pound rock
Conversation between Cortez Kennedy and Pro Line photographer:
Cortez Kennedy: Um, what are we doing out here by these rocks?
Pro Line photographer: We're shooting a football card, silly.
CZ: What does this have to do with football?
PLP: Well ... um ...
CZ: Is it because I'm strong, like a rock?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because our defensive line is like an avalanche headed toward the quarterback?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because football is such a grueling game, the best players, the ones who really succeed and prove themselves on the field and who strive to be the best, need to act like they've been carved from granite?
PLP: Um ... actually, it's because it takes a lot of stones to appear on such a stupid card.
CZ: Just take the friggin' picture.

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Name: Brian Bosworth
Teams: Seattle Seahawks, Cobra Kai
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 12 kicks to the face
Key 1991 stat: 365 days in the year not concentrating on football
Hollywood is a kick: Brian Bosworth was a lot of things, the least of which ended up being a football player. He might have pretended to be a karate expert, but he was a movie "star." His debut film, "Stone Cold," is a cult classic.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed first film: Joe Huff (John Stone) is a tough, go-it-alone cop with a flair for infiltrating biker gangs. The FBI blackmails Huff into working in an undercover investigation to convict some extremely dangerous bikers angry about the capture of their leader.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed above card: Brian Bosworth (yes, John Stone) is a tough, kick-it-alone fake karate champion with a flair for posing for ridiculous tobacco cards. The Upper Deck card company blackmails Bosworth into being a part of an undercover set of cards that showcase some extremely awkward scenes that make collectors angry about the disregard of their standards of taste.

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Name: Andy Heck
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a whole heck of a lot
Key 1991 stat: Zero carbon footprint
Clearing up some rumors about Andy Heck:

• Andy Heck did not use overly dramatic lighting for this photo shoot. Rather, he was energy-conscious before it was cool.
• Andy Heck did not have trouble lifting those 50-pound weights. He did, apparently, have trouble putting them back when he was done. How about a little common courtesy, bro?
• Andy Heck did have eyes. But they really bulged out when he was lifting. It was disconcerting.
• Andy Heck's real name was actually Andy Hell. He was just always so darned polite that he could never bring himself to say it.
• Andy Heck's shirt really is soaked with sweat in the above photo, but not due to physical exertion. It's because he's terrified of the dark.

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)

Name: Jacob Green
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: One MP3 download of a Lionel Richie song
Key 1990 stat: One song sung to 10,000 lucky ladies
Jacob Green's karaoke pickup song, circa 1990: 

"I've been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door.

Hello. 

Is it me you're lookin' for? 

I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted and my arms are open wide. 'Cause you know just what to say and you know just what to do. And I want to tell you so much — I love you.

I long to see the sunlight in you hair. And tell you time and time again how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow.

Hello. 

I've just got to let you know. 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying — I love you.

Hello. 

Is it me you’re lookin' for? 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue.

But let me start by saying — I love you."

Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)

Cortez Kennedy, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)

Name: Cortez "Tez Rex" Kennedy
Team: Seattle Screamhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: One dead skin, shed
Key 1994 splat: 10 hours a day basking in sun
Eight days a week? Hey, it's not our fault Halloween is on a Monday this year. So break out the slutty costumes and teeth-breaking candy. Let's do this one more time.
Tez Rex by the numbers:

28: Movies appeared in
1: Unfortunate adult movies appeared in
58: Quarterbacks flattened
1,058: Cities flattened
412: Pounds — without costume
2: Tongue-looking things on gloves
Infinite: Regret after seeing this card

Cortez Kennedy, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)

Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene Robinson
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Safety, Oakley Blades spokesman, saxophone player, foot model, tease
Value of card: As many cents as stripes on his pants
Key 1990 stat: 22 times mistaken for this man
10 reasons this is the greatest football card of all time. Of all time:
10) His fingernails are longer than a dope fiend's.
9) Shoes? Shoes? Not when your feet are this pretty.
8) He somehow makes wristbands look explicitly feminine.
7) He's wearing more ridiculous Zubaz than even the Nigerian Nightmare.
6) Oakley Blades weren't enough. He needed bright yellow Oakley Blades.
5) His shadow almost looks embarrassed about this outfit.
4) He's standing like a ballerina.
3) He flexed his ab muscles and his shirt exploded.
2) The instrument hanging around his neck.
1) The instrument winding its way down his left leg.

Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One torn canvas
Key 1993 stat: No good impressions
Here's our review of this "artwork": What the hell is going on here? Is this supposed to be some sort of Monet-inspired water lily thing? And if so, then why are Mirer's head and torso clear? Trust us, we saw Rick Mirer play. There was nothing sharp about him, except the criticism he so rightly received.

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Brian Blades, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 74)

Name: Brian Blades

Team: Seattle SeahawksTM

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: It's worth its weight in garbage

Key 1989 stat: 272 nonsensical trademarks

It's time for a heavy pop quiz:

What's the best thing about the 1990 Action Packed series?

(A) Because the cards are three times as thick as typical cards, you can spend hours watching blind children try to pry them apart.

(B) The 1/16-inch raised player silhouette is so life-like, there's no reason to watch games on TV.

(C) Upon introduction of the set, the confusion over whether NFL team names were trademarked was cleared up.

(D) The faux-platinum border allows collectors to easily convert cards into cheap jewelry.

(E) None of the above.

Brian Blades, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 74)

Cortez Kennedy, 1990 NFL Pro Set (NFL Draft Weekend No. 1)

Name: Cortez Kennedy

Team: Seattle Seahawks

Position: Defensive tackle

Value of card: 343 pounds (pounds sterling, former British monetary unit)

Key 1989 stat: 343 pounds (actual fat-guy weight)

Camelot's finest: At 5 feet 8 and 343 pounds, Cortez Kennedy was a model of the male physique. Women swooned when he went shirtless and men sucked in their guts when he walked past. But it wasn't only his muscular makeup that drew lust. The defensive tackle was a descendant of the Kennedy clan, a part of America's royal family. This combination of brawn, brains and bravado not only set afire the ladies, it moved some of the NFL's manliest men to pursue Kennedy, to the lengths of ripping off his clothes on the field. Of course, when this happened, half the crowd fainted, half the crowd felt ashamed, half the crowd was reminded of JFK on a Cape Cod beach and half the crowd critiqued the math of those who counted what the crowd was doing.

Cortez Kennedy, 1990 NFL Pro Set (NFL Draft Weekend No. 1)

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)

Name: What the hell?
Teams: Broncos and Seahawks, we think
Position: Awkward pose with a Japanese kid
Value of card: Zero yen
Key 1989 stat: One going-out-of-business sale
Great moments in WTF: The NFL tried to expand its market in 1989, opening up a team shop in Tokyo to absolutely no fanfare. Sure, the businessmen stopped to look at the "cheerleaders" (who also provided side "services" for 50 yen), but almost everyone was scared by the plushy mascots with no eyes wearing helmets. That Bronco looks like it's about to tell the kid that he's giving out free puppies and candy in his windowless van around the block. The team shop closed down two weeks later, and Japanese people never watched football again.
Bonus fun fact: That kid's shirt says "Dynamite Age."

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)

Dan McGwire, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 28)

Name: Dan McGwire
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Quarterback, leg model
Value of card: One class on how to stop taking bad photos
Key 1991 stat: One start to a non-existent career
Top 10 fun facts about Dan McGwire:
10) Threw exactly two more NFL touchdowns than his brother, Mark McGwire
9) Refused to allow his left foot to be photographed
8) Spent way too much time with one hand on his hip
7) Bought his shorts at the same store as John Stockton
6) First team, NFL's All-Irrelevant squad, 1992-95
5) Often thought of as the league's best kneeler
4) Loves Ovaltine
3) Parlayed failed football career into failed T.G.I. Friday's bartending career
2) Preferred to throw the football like a shotput
1) Moonlighted as a cover model for Leg & Windbreaker Fancy Magazine

Dan McGwire, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 28)

Rick Mirer, 1993 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 21)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One case of road rash
Key 1993 stat: 68,212 times laughed at
It's a chopper, baby: The photo team at Pro Line was excited when Rick Mirer asked if he could bring his motorcycle to his shoot in 1993 — at least, until Mirer showed up. The rookie QB rolled into the studio's parking lot on the Harley he had purchased with his signing bonus, wearing the free Seahawks leather jacket that came with the bike, a pair of mom jeans, prescription round-lensed sunglasses and his football helmet. Knowing that a photo of any man dressed like this should never see the light of day, the Pro Line photographer did the only thing he could: He conducted the shoot inside a dark, windowless warehouse on the outskirts of the Emerald City.

Rick Mirer, 1993 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 21)

Sam Adams, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 12)

Name: Sam Adams

Teams: Seattle Seahawks; D Team, Seattle YMCA Beach Volleyball League

Positions: Defensive tackle, middle blocker

Value of card: 11 grains of sand and three beads of sweat

Key 1993 stat: Zero pounds lost

A heavy weight on his shoulders: It was the mid-1990s, and body image was a growing concern. But paralyzing self-consciousness wasn't relegated to teenage girls. It could hit the biggest of gridiron behemoths, too. Case in point: Sam Adams. Everywhere the first-round pick went, his weight was repeated out loud. At the combine: 292 pounds. At training camp: 292 pounds. While getting berated by a coach: 292 (expletive) pounds. At the ice-cream parlor: "You sure you don't want another scoop, sir? You're, like, 292 pounds." This rattled the gentle giant to his core. He went to the Seahawks offensive line coach, whose advice was, well, offensive. "Take your fat (expletive) out of my office and into the sandbox with the other cry-baby girls," he said. Adams listened. He drove straight to a beach and joined a YMCA beach volleyball league. Even there, he couldn't escape the heckling. "Get a load of this fat boy wearing the neon-pink Morey Boogie visor," a child in the crowd yelled. Adams crumbled, and took his fat ass back to the locker room.

Sam Adams, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 12)