Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "Stealth"
Team: San Diego Charred-gers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One picture of a stealth bomber, torn in two
Key 1994 splat: 19-pound belt buckle
Ways in which Junior "Stealth" Seau was not very stealthy:

• All that metal plate clanged a lot when he moved.
• That blue face paint may have been stealthy, but his biceps weren't camouflaged at all!
• Those shiny gold arm guards could be seen from miles away.
• His number was clearly visible. It's like he wasn't even trying!
• That pointy helmet would likely just end up poking somebody as he walked by.
• He was too proud of his flatulence to ever really enter stealth mode.

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Junior Seau, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 41)

Name: Junior Seau

Team: San Diego Chargers

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: Ow — zilch

Key 1993 stat: One product line bankruptcy

10 items in the Say-Ow Gear product line:

10) The Say-Ow Abscess Patch

9) The "Junior" Say-Ow Baby Bib Choker

8) The Say-Ow Mustache Plucker

7) The Say-Ow Broken Leg (Seau himself comes to your home and snaps your femur like a twig)

6) The Say-Owl Bird Frightener

5) The Say-Ow Respect Reducer (seen above)

4) The Say-Ow Nose Flattener

3) The Say-Ow Home Enema Kit

2) The Say-Ow Practical Visor (bill facing the correct way, thus serving its purpose to shade one's eyes from sunlight)

1) The Say-Ow Pun Generator (recalled)

Junior Seau, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 41)