Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Name: Tiger Woods
Team: Umm, Team Nike?
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Getting your balls in the rough
Key 2001 stat: A much happier Christmas than, say, 2009
Merry Christmas from the Bust: Allow us to present a few Christmas carols influenced by Tiger Woods, the most randy golfer the North Pole ever knew.

• Do You Feel What I Feel?
• The Holly and the Ivy at the Same Time
• O Come, All Ye Unfaithful
• God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman
• Whose Child Is This?
• Away, in a Stranger

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

Name: Park Pittman
Team: Portland Beavers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 pound of chewed-up wood
Key 1989 stat: 287,119 "beaver" jokes in the dugout
Minnesota Twins' scouting report of Portland Beavers prospect Park Pittman: "Big-league mullet, so who cares about his arm? ... We'll never be able to trade him to the Cardinals after they see him sporting a jersey that's an obvious ripoff of theirs. ... Appears to be storing a beaver pelt under his cap, which is a plus. ... We'll need to enlist the team barber to even out that 'stache. ... Has a name fit for a baseball comedy movie, which translates well considering his laughable prospects in the big leagues. ... Can we just bring up this Beaver? The clubhouse is a serious sausage fest."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

Tim Stoddard, 1985 Topps

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Depressingly little
Key 1984 stat: Way too excited about playing for the Cubs
What's your favorite color, Tim? The year was 1984, and Tim Stoddard was a man on the move. After helping the Orioles win cheering from the bullpen as the Orioles won the 1983 World Series, Stoddard was twice traded      first to the A's and then to the Chicago Cubs. Rather than being upset about his career upheaval, Stoddard got excited      maybe a little too excited. To show his enthusiasm about being a Cub, Stoddard decided everything about him needed to be blue. He dyed his beard blue, as seen above. He repeatedly tried to wear jeans on the pitching mound. He painted his fingernails. Cubs manager Jim Frey put up with Stoddard's antics      that is, until Frey walked in on Stoddard pulling a Jason Biggs prequel with a warm blueberry pie in the locker room (purely for cosmetic purposes, of course). Stoddard joined the San Diego Padres in 1985.

Tim Stoddard, 1985 Topps

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Name: Kevin Ross
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken arrowhead
Key 1991 stat: Four diseases caught from dirty stairwells
It's time for a studly Caption: "His lips sensually parted, Chiefs defensive back Kevin Ross stares thoughtfully into the distance and flexes every muscle in his body while relaxing on a sticky Arrowhead Stadium staircase and wearing only a satiny-soft pair of athletic shorts and a few splotches of chest hair Wednesday in Kansas City."

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

Name: Pete LaCock
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: One smile from LaCock
Key 1980 stat: 25 mesh nettings rested against
Here's Pete LaCock's online dating profile:

ScreenName: Pete_LaCock_Yes_That's_My_Real_Name
Age: 29
Height: 6' 2"
Weight: 200 pounds of LaCock here
Hair color: Which layer?
Hairstyle: Mulletish
Facial hair: Mustache that tastes vaguely of hickory
Ethnicity: Californian
Marital status: Swinging freely
Want children? Yes. Who wouldn't want a little LaCock?
Smoke? You selling?
Drink? I've been known to pound a few
Best feature: Surname

Seeking: A beautiful Midwestern girl (or five)
Her body type: Scantily clad
Her ethnicity: Female
Her interests: Baseball, mustaches and wiener jokes

About me: Hello, ladies, I'm Pete LaCock. You might know me as that professional baseball player with the quasi-erotic name. No, not Rusty. There's nothing erotic about that guy. Anyway, I've been having a tough time since moving to Kansas City. It seems I'm spending more time in bed with a plate of delicious barbecue ribs than with the company of a woman, and I'd like to change that. So drop me a line      first we'll get to LaKnow each other, and then we'll get LaNasty. LaCock out!

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Wrist tape that's been cut off
Key 1993 stat: Lived up to his nickname of "Ivan the Terrible"
Here's a Caption that maybe ran in the Boston Globe circa May 1993: "After unnecessarily resting one arm on a towel-covered tray and placing a bat suggestively between his legs as he sits on a step, Red Sox outfielder Ivan Calderon stares ardently at the camera while rubbing his upper thigh and attempting to make his head more strongly resemble a mushroom, all while his batting gloves dangle nonchalantly from his rear pocket, Tuesday in Boston."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

Names: George Brett and Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Third base and old pitcher
Value of card: One pine tar-covered shaft
Key 1983 stat: One of them got really angry
What are George Brett and Gaylord Perry re-enacting?

A) George Brett's famous pine tar incident
B) The incident that earned Perry his first name
C) A scene from the film "Bi-Curious George"
D) A time when it was acceptable for grown men to wear baby blue from head to toe
E) All of the above

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Thunder From Down Under
Position: Half-dressed first baseman
Value of card: An ounce of baby oil
Key 1992 stat: 183 portrait photos of him not looking at the camera
Kids, avert your eyes: Frank Thomas was king of Chicago in the early 1990s, bashing home runs, stealing the hearts of women and even disarming explosives. But the Big Hurt had a secret: During the offseason, he worked as a, ahem, dancer just for the thrill of it. Working under the pseudonym Thomas Frank, the slugger would put on a mask and then proceed to take off everything else for the ladies (and gents) who ventured into a dark and seedy Chicago club called The City of Big Shoulders and Bigger Other Things. His secret got out in early 1993, though, and his teammates decided action must be taken. Ozzie Guillen, George Bell and Ron Karkovice barged into the club one night while Thomas was on stage. Guillen started cursing at the slugger while Bell slung the half-bare basher over his shoulder and carried him to the car. Karkovice, however, took a seat and stayed behind.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Name: Kanavis McGhee
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Another notch on that weightlifting belt
Key 1991 stat: Half a mustache grown
Forget the Sunday paper       it's time for a caption: "New York Giants linebacker Kanavis McGhee, wearing a weightlifting belt, some wrist tape and not much else, makes an unwanted sexual advance toward photographer David Timmons on Friday at the Meadowlands. Timmons said that McGhee, drenched in both perspiration and desperation, compared the way he was holding a barbell to the way he would grasp Timmons, all while hiking up his pant leg to his crotch. Timmons is on leave of absence from this newspaper and receiving counseling."

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Tony Saunders, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Tony Saunders
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Old fishing bait
Key 1996 stat: 137 cheeseburgers eaten
Upper Deck photographer's directions to Tony Saunders from 11:23 to 11:25 a.m., March 17, 1997: "OK, Tony, let's start by having you hold the ball in front of you, like you're showing it to me. Could you bring it up a little higher? Higher, please. Just, not so close to your crotch. No, farther from your crotch, please. Tony, please stop making that gesture with the ball. It's not funny. No, I'm not impressed by your 'slide piece.' Hold the ball higher, away from your crotch, please. Please. No, the count is not two balls and no strikes. Lots of people are going to see this card, you know. OK, a handful of people, but still, is this how you want them to know you? All right, fine. I hope Sheffield makes you eat that ball later."

Tony Saunders, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Willie Gault, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 23)

Name: Willie Gault
Team: Oakland Raiders
Positions: Wide receiver, nearly naked
Value of card: 181 pounds of awkward
Key 1992 stat: Didn't regret this photo one bit
Football's back, and so is the shame: The NFL season is officially here, which means every Sunday from today through Super Bowl XLVIII, we here at the Bust will be bringing you a reminder of how not to dress, pose, or groom yourself. We call them Shameful Sunday Portraits; you'll likely call them "more of those Zubaz cards."

Places you've seen this photo before (come on, admit it):

• In your girlfriend's bedroom
• In your sister's bedroom
• In your bedroom
• In Tile Monthly Magazine
• In the Black Hole
• Wait, wait. We meant the Blue Oyster.
• In Al Davis' office
• In Al Davis' bedroom

Willie Gault, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 23)

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Scott Eyre
Team: Charleston Rainbows (Texas Rangers affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 percent tip on nada
Key 1994 stat: 4,809 times it was impossible to live down this card
Steady your stomach, it's time for another recipe:

Rainbow balls
2 regulation baseballs
3 ounces irony
11 pints of missed puns
Dash of childlike innocence
Double entendre to taste

Take the baseballs and set them on a table. Tell an 18-year-old rookie to sit down and pretend to cut the baseballs with a plastic knife and fork. Call over a professional baseball card company photographer. Never mention you're doing this because it's hilarious that a guy sporting rainbows all over his clothes is eating balls. Ridicule the rookie incessantly when the card "comes out." Repeat each year until your career fizzles out.

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Names: Ken Griffey Jr., Bugs Bunny
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Outfield, down a hole
Value of card: 12 rabbit pellets
Key 1991 stat: Zero seats filled in stadium despite image being Photoshopped
It's time for a Looney Tunes edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Worldwide fame (Winner: Bugs)
Round 2: Mustache "whiskers" (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of embarrassing buck teeth (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Righteous blue glove (Winner: Griffey)
Round 5: Shocking sexual innuendo (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cool custom hat (Winner: Bugs)
Round 7: Anatomical correctness (Winner: Griffey)

Score: Griffey 3, Bugs 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The laugh-a-minute cartoon rabbit put up an impressive fight, but, in the end, the turtleneck beat the hare.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Half-naked outfielder
Value of card: $1.99/minute (must be 18 or older)
Key 1991 stat: Zero hits from a sitting position
We'll be giving you nightmares all week: The Score Dream Team sets of the early 1990s contained some of the most awkward, misdirected and erotic shots ever featured on cardboard. Sounds like a perfect fit for The Bust. Let's get started, shall we?
It worked so well the first time: We could point out that there's a good chance this boudoir shot of Rickey be Rickey was taken from the previous year's photo shoot. Or, we could analyze the dream presented here. Let's see, the stacked bases likely represent the mounting responsibilities you find yourself facing. Rickey's flat top means that you believe you will need to keep a level head to deal with these tasks. The Louisville Slugger signifies, erm, your desire to go to Louisville? Yeah, that's it. And Rickey's near-nudity? I don't know, but maybe you should stop watching so much Cinemax right before bed, buddy.

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Ricky Bones, 1994 Studio

Name: Ricky Bones
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Pitcher, chin in hand
Value of card: A delicious rack of baby back ribs, without the meat
Key 1993 stat: 730 mustache grooming sessions
Ricky Bones' online dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: DemBones69
Age: 25
Height: 5' 10 1/2"
Weight: 175
Hair: Sculpted
Ethnicity: Puertorriqueño
Relationship status: Single-ish
Want children? Who wouldn't want some little Bones?
Best feature: Here's a hint: It gives free rides
Religious views: My mullet is pretty miraculous
Smoke? No way am I polluting my hair with that smell
Drink? I live in Milwaukee. What do you think?

Seeking: Are there any other Puerto Ricans in Milwaukee? Please?
Her body type: Dairy-free
Her best feature: Mustache. Oh wait, that's me again.
Location: Your place, my place, the dugout      wherever

About me: Hi ladies, my name is Ricky. Ricky Bones. That's right, Bones. Uh-huh, yeah. As you can see in my profile picture above, I'm a sophisticated, thinking man who knows how to flatten a mustache and curl a mullet. I could curl your toes, too, if you like. What's that? You want to know what that jersey is in the background? Well, I hate to brag, but I make a living playing baseball for the Milwaukee Brewers. Sure, we lost 93 games last year, but only 11 of those were my fault. Enough about work, let's talk about love. I can picture us now, lying in front of a roaring fireplace on a cow-skin rug, running our fingers through each other's luxurious hair, sipping the finest Old Milwaukee that can be had from the corner store. You'll play shy at first, but let's be honest. We're both looking forward to the same thing: the night when Ricky Bones you.

Ricky Bones, 1994 Studio

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers, Team P90X
Positions: Pitcher, whatever that stretch is called
Value of card: A whooooole lot of leg
Key 1990 stat: Made the photographer uncomfortable 14 times
Oh dear: The good folks at Pacific Trading Cards put out a series of Nolan Ryan collectables in 1991, featuring the Express in all sorts of situations. They captioned this one "Ryan's Routine," but here are a few suggested captions that didn't quite make the cut:

• More Sleeves Than Pants
• And Reach ... for the Barf Bag
• Pasty Pitcher
• That Hairline's a Stretch, Too
• Pull Those Socks Up More
• No Wonder No One Else Is Working Out
• "Get Out of Here, You Pervert!"

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Alex Rodriguez, 2013 Topps SP

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Third base (but only first base with that fan)
Value of card: Having something in common with Cameron Diaz
Key 2012 stat: Actually played in a few games
Train of thought of the fan standing in the center of the above photo, 2:10 to 2:11 p.m., June 12, 2012: "Holy wow, I still can't believe these seats. I can actually see the chili stains on Sabathia's uniform! All right, let's go boys      oh man, this foul is headed right for us! OK, steady, steady. No way A-Rod makes it over here on that hip. And reach! OH, OH GOD, WHAT IS IN MY EAR? Is that Rodriguez's tongue? And he's trying to hold my hand! What the (expletive deleted)! I don't care if he caught the damn ball, the dude just tried to taste my eardrum. Oh, so disgusting! And now I've got his weird purple lipstick all over my neck. This is even worse than the time I saw David Wells barf up what looked like a gallon of borscht behind the pitcher's mound."

Card submitted by Jeremy Porter, Collector Revolution

Alex Rodriguez, 2013 Topps SP

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

Name: Paul Gibson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not enough to hold onto it
Key 1989 stat: This card was seen by thousands and thousands of laughing children
Not blurry enough: There are two people in this photo, Paul Gibson and infielder Luis Salazar. Let's see how they fare in The Matchup.

Round 1: Bigger attention-grabber (Winner: Gibson)
Round 2: Bigger grabber of other things (Winner: Salazar)
Round 3: Well-adjusted (Winner: Gibson)
Round 4: About to be even better adjusted (Winner: Salazar)
Round 5: Scratching the surface of his talent (Winner: Gibson)
Round 6: Scratching the surface of his tallywhacker (Winner: Salazar)
Round 7: More sane (Winner: Gibson)
Round 8: Just plain nuts (Winner: Salazar)
Round 9: Poor timing that caused a card company to airbrush out part of his arm (Winner: Salazar)

Final score: Salazar 5, Gibson 4

Synopsis: Poor Paul Gibson. First, he gets mocked for being a giant nerd, now he can't even win a Matchup on his own card, thanks to some utility guy scratching himself at exactly the wrong moment. It doesn't take glasses as thick as Gibson's to see that he just can't win.

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

John Valentin, 1995 Topps Embossed (Valentine's Day Special)

Name: John Valentin
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One embossing tool, snapped in half
Key 1994 stat: Alone on Feb. 14 (and most other days)
In honor of Valentine's Day, here's a romantic pop quiz: What's John Valentin doing in the above photo?

A) Sanding his handle
B) Scrubbing his shaft
C) Buffing his bat
D) Caressing his cudgel
E) Wearing out his wood
F) Celebrating Valentine's Day the only way he knows how

John Valentin, 1995 Topps Embossed (Valentine's Day Special)