Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Toys R Us Rookies

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 25 cents for a turn to sift through Toys R Us garbage bins
Key 1988 stat: 24 toy stores visited by the rookie
Fun facts about Gary Sheffield and Toys R Us:

• Toys R Us sells Legos. Sheffield also enjoyed attaching male parts to female parts.
• Toys R Us sells G.I. Joe action figures. Sheffield also featured a codpiece.
• Toys R Us sells Barbie dolls. Sheffield also held an affection for a guy named Ken.
• Toys R Us sells Big Wheels. Sheffield also had ridiculous-looking vehicles.
• Toys R Us sells Starting Lineup athlete action figures. Sheffield was one.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Toys R Us Rookies

Gary Sheffield, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Gary Sheffield

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Third base (written on card); second base or shortstop (actually playing in card)

Value of card: Not as high as Sheffield would indicate

Key 1990 stat: 46-inch vertical leap

It's time for a sky-high pop quiz:

What is Gary Sheffield doing?

(A) Covering up his little-kid braces, whatever it takes.

(B) Averting the slide of the silent member of the Bash Brothers.

(C) Doing something literally that his uncle Dwight Gooden did figuratively a few times every day, usually in an alley.

(D) Showing off his bulge to the fans on the second deck.

(E) Demonstrating the "ultraness" of Fleer Ultra.

(F) All of the above.

Gary Sheffield, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five petrified pieces of bubble gum
Key 1988 stat: Two Ted Power books read
Choose your own adventure: You are Gary Sheffield, stud baseball rookie and badass. Your gold necklace weighs 5 pounds and your bat shoots stars when you swing it. You're on deck during the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with the White Sox and decide to pop a refreshing piece of Bazooka bubble gum. OW! Turns out the gum you put in your mouth is hard as a rock, and you now have two broken molars! Manager Tom Trebelhorn is ready to send in a pinch hitter for you. What do you do?

To wuss out and let someone else bat for you, click here.
To pop another piece of delicious Bazooka gum and let the chips fall where they may, click here.
To lose your mind and start shooting stars from your bat at everyone, click here.
To rip off your sleeves, swallow your broken teeth and stride to plate like a badass, click here.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps

Name: Gary Sheffield

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: One diamond-studded set of braces

Key 1988 stat: 14 years old

Braces with bling: Before Gary Sheffield was a muscle-bound power hitter with a scorpion tattoo on his bulging biceps, he was a 14-year-old kid on the Brewers' big-league roster. Being young, he always was striving to fit in. He tried chewing tobacco, but he got it stuck in his nose. He tried talking about "women who were easy scores," but his stories knocking in a speedy seventh-grade girl during P.E. softball drew groans. Then he found a common interest with the older players: jewelry. Sheffield had spent part of his signing bonus to buy braces. With a newfound fascination for bling, he spent more of it on diamond-studded brackets. Then, at a few veterans' behest, he spent the rest on bling'd-out headgear that doubled as a thick gold necklace.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps

Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Florida Marlins
Positions: Third base, badass
Value of card: 100 pounds of awesome
Key 1993 stat: 1,834 sneers
Holy crap: Look at Gary Sheffield's scorpion tattoo. It's obvious that the sleeves of his shirt tore themselves off and ran away when they saw that thing coming. Even his color-coordinated wristbands freaking rule. Plus, you can tell by the look on his face that he's about to hit a baseball approximately 12,000 feet. This got us here at the Bust wondering what things are more badass than Gary Sheffield in this photo. Here they are, in reverse order:

10) Robot motorcycles
9) Dogs that shoot bees from their mouths
8) The A-Team
7) People juggling chain saws
6) Lions riding horses
5) Guitars made of lightning
4) Gun-wielding, shark-surfing bears
3) Thunderstorms made by volcanoes
2) Gary Sheffield in this exact pose with an actual scorpion on his arm
1) America

Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck