Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Name: Pat Swilling
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Bark
Key 1992 stat: 27 trees hid under during lightning storms
This quiz is swill: How come Pat Swilling's relaxing half-naked under an oak tree?

A) You got a better idea on how to spend a Tuesday?
B) Waiting for you, sweetheart. Just waiting for you.
C) He's getting back to his roots.
D) He's trying to sneak a peek up Kosar's shorts.
E) All of the above.

Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Name: Ricky Ervins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: See that bracelet? Even less than that
Key 1992 stat: One fine for indecent exposure at the neighborhood park
Black belt in awkwardness: Here are a few martial arts that Ricky Ervins enjoyed.

• Topless taekowndo
• Kitless krav maga
• Unclothed karate
• Au naturel aikido
• Manflesh muay thai
• Nude-o judo

Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra      it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I      wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Name: Jake "The Snake" Roberts
From: Gainesville, Texas
Signature moves: DDT; bringing Damien the snake to the ring
Value of card: 6 ounces of bones and hair regurgitated after feeding
Key 1989 stat: 12 snakes brought onto this (expletive) plane
Some reptile facts you might not know about Jake "The Snake":

• He cries crocodile tears.
• He wore neon pink Gecko T-shirts deep into the 1990s.
• In middle school, he volunteered to be a hallway monitor. He was disappointed when he realized it wasn't the scaly kind.
• When Hulk Hogan talked about his 24-inch pythons, Roberts cried a little inside.
• He drove a Dodge Viper (rented for one night and crashed).
• For a short period he was known as Jake "The Gopher Snake" Roberts, and then he saw "Caddyshack."

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Gregory Campbell
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: Six bags of dog doo-doo
Key 2010-11 stat: 13 times infested with fleas
Here's how Gregory Campbell spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Campbell woke up, chose his heaviest necklace, put on a shirt, took off his shirt, grabbed his shades and the Cup and headed to the dog park. Once there, he commandeered whatever dogs he saw and told their owners they could take photos of their pets with him and the Cup. After the police were called but before they showed up, a dog owner snapped this shot, which would later be used as evidence in the case of the shirtless creep barking up the wrong tree.

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Tuuka Rask, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Name: Tuuka Rask
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Goaltender
Value of card: 16 ounces of warm water from this spa
Key 2010-11 stat: 2,196 hours spent in a hot tub, alone
Welcome to Return of Stanley Cup Week: It's that time of year, when most of Canada and a few people in the United States focus their attention on the last few teams battling to be crowned the kings of hockey. In celebration, we here at The Bust is bringing you seven days of athletes tougher than you doing ridiculous things with an old trophy. Enjoy, eh!
Here's how Tuuka Rask celebrated his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Rask woke up at the crack of noon, grabbed the Cup and walked, naked, to his hot tub. He emptied out the Jacuzzi and filled the Cup with Winner's Cup Vodka. One Cup-full after the next, Rusk poured the vodka into the tub. When the hot tub was full, Rask jumped in and turned on the jets. Three hours later, his skin resembled a prune and he had gotten drunk through osmosis. This photo was snapped soon after, as Rask yelled, "I love America! Jump in, the vodka's fine!"

Tuuka Rask, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Name: Kevin Ross
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken arrowhead
Key 1991 stat: Four diseases caught from dirty stairwells
It's time for a studly Caption: "His lips sensually parted, Chiefs defensive back Kevin Ross stares thoughtfully into the distance and flexes every muscle in his body while relaxing on a sticky Arrowhead Stadium staircase and wearing only a satiny-soft pair of athletic shorts and a few splotches of chest hair Wednesday in Kansas City."

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Cofer
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One of those sweat socks — just one
Let's break down Michael Cofer's workout, by the numbers:

15: Spandex stretches
50: Imaginary weight lifts
45: Sweat sock roll-downs
100: Flat top combings
250: Flexes for the camera
10: Continuous hours of standing like a weirdo

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Name: Reggie Barrett
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 3 ounces of leftover dust on a vacuum filter
Key 1990 stat: 256 women with whom he shared sweat
Let's take a look at Reggie Barrett, by the numbers:

36: Ounces of sweat on his chest
72: Ounces of sweat wrung from his shorts
98: Ounces of sweat left on workout machines that his teammates would have to wipe up

100: Dumbbell curls in his first workout set
150: Dumbbell curls in his second workout set
1: Dumbbell in this photo

1: Weightlifting belt used during a strenuous workout
1: Photographer who acted as a spotter to help with his weightlifting
1: Photographer who nearly passed out from the smell of his weightlifting belt

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 inches of elastic from that waistband
Key 1990 stat: 176 chicks propositioned
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: BigChris97
Age: Young, son
Height: 6-foot-1 and done
Weight: About 280 of pure muscle
Hair color: Dark
Hairstyle: Chest
Ethnicity: Croatian, African-American and awesome
Want children? My muscles are my children
Past relationships: All started in the weight room
Best feature: Sweatpants bulge
Smoke? Not this dude
Drink? Protein shakes

Seeking: A buff broad
Location: The Windy City
Her height: 6-foot-1 to 6-foot-6
Her body type: Filled with muscles
Her ethnicity: Tan

About me: What's up, ladies? I'm Big Chris and I'm ready to pump you up, if you know what I mean. Sure, I spend a lot of time in the weight room, but I also spend a lot of time in the bedroom. Wink, wink. Want to sweat it out and share a couple of protein shakes? You can find me at the gym      in the locker room, if you're lucky.

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Name: Kanavis McGhee
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Another notch on that weightlifting belt
Key 1991 stat: Half a mustache grown
Forget the Sunday paper       it's time for a caption: "New York Giants linebacker Kanavis McGhee, wearing a weightlifting belt, some wrist tape and not much else, makes an unwanted sexual advance toward photographer David Timmons on Friday at the Meadowlands. Timmons said that McGhee, drenched in both perspiration and desperation, compared the way he was holding a barbell to the way he would grasp Timmons, all while hiking up his pant leg to his crotch. Timmons is on leave of absence from this newspaper and receiving counseling."

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Pete Falcone, 1982 Fleer

Name: Pete Falcone
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of wax from a 1982 wax pack
Key 1981 stat: 4,397 baseball cards collected (all commons)
10 things you might not have known about this card:
10) Shortly after this photo was taken, two swamp rats jumped from Falcone's beard.
9) That's a Cub Scout staring at the nearly naked guy in the back.
8) Falcone's teammates forced him to wear jerseys with the word "FEET" on the back — as evidenced by the jerseys draped across that stool — to draw attention to his noxious loafers.
7) The look inside the locker exposes Falcone as a poncho enthusiast.
6) At the time of this photo, Falcone was chewing the wax from the wax pack, not the gum.
5) This was a shot of Mr. Met's Irish Bar, housed in the Mets' locker room from 1977 to 1983.
4) Falcone fought Fleer to have his name appear as "Pete Falcon."
3) It's the only card ever to feature the horrifying, bony back of Zelda from "Pet Sematary."
2) Truman Capote wrote a chapter of "In Cold Blood" while hiding out in the back of this card.
1) Falcone is actually holding a Pete Falcone card that's more worthless than this one.

Pete Falcone, 1982 Fleer

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 20)

Name: Gary Anderson
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Running back
Value of card: A dollar for each win the 1976 Bucs recorded
Key 1991 stat: 5,193 backup helmets, pads and jock straps
No one puts baby in a corner: Why has Gary Anderson been locked in an equipment closet?

A) In a case of mistaken identity, his teammates thought he was a kicker
B) He was playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with his helmet
C) He just wanted some privacy while putting on his prosthetic left forearm
D) I don't know, but from the looks of his eye black, he was crying
E) Getting dressed. Get out of here, you perv!

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 20)

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Name: Steve Smith
Team: Chicago Blackhawks
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: The monetary equivalent of the ink used for that autograph
Key 1994-95 stat: 47 Siberian "huskies" romanced
Steve Smith's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: PuckSchmuck41
Age: 34 or 35; not sure
Height: 1.75 hockey sticks
Weight: 254 hockey pucks
Hair color: Golden
Hairstyle: Coated in 11 pounds of gel
Ethnicity: Russian-Canadian, like the rest of the NHL
Religious views: Cross check
Marital status: Never
Want children? Why?
Best feature: Forehand (up your skirt)
Smoke? Only when I drink
Drink? Only when I drink

Seeking: A Russian babe whose breath is as cold as a Siberian winter
Location: Anywhere in Canada, eh?
Her body type: Buxom and nuded
Her ethnicity: See above

About me: Ladies, feast your eyes on a real man — a hockey man. Just because I spend all day handling my stick doesn't mean I don't have time for your parts, too. As you can see from my sexified profile pic, I don't just play hockey. I also play beach volleyball — in the snow. And I don't just dive around shirtless with the guys like it's "Top Gun"; I also like to sweat with the ladies. You want to get hot on the ice? Just imagine what I'm saving for you in these jean shorts. Let's puck.

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)

Name: Jacob Green
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: One MP3 download of a Lionel Richie song
Key 1990 stat: One song sung to 10,000 lucky ladies
Jacob Green's karaoke pickup song, circa 1990: 

"I've been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door.

Hello. 

Is it me you're lookin' for? 

I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted and my arms are open wide. 'Cause you know just what to say and you know just what to do. And I want to tell you so much — I love you.

I long to see the sunlight in you hair. And tell you time and time again how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow.

Hello. 

I've just got to let you know. 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying — I love you.

Hello. 

Is it me you’re lookin' for? 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue.

But let me start by saying — I love you."

Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)