Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Name: Myron Pottios
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: M_ddle linebacker
Value of card: 3 ounces of backwashed squeeze bottle water
Key 1972 stat: Zero minutes of playing time
Top 10 reasons Myron Pottios got benched:
10) Too many toilet humor insults were hurled at him because of his last name.
9) He didn't want to make other players jealous of his hairdo.
8) He was so sad he couldn't peel himself off the bench.
7) Too many pads.
6) He had to take a shot of vodka out of a striped paper cup.
5) He was busy starring as Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House."
4) Chin was too deadly a weapon for a football field.
3) Couldn't fit his helmet over his sideburns.
2) He didn't believe in playing for a team whose name was considered a racist slur by the people it was meant to represent.
1) The team didn't have a position for a m_ddle linebacker.

Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:

• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Vicente Romo, 1974 Topps

Name: Vicente Romo
Team: San Diego Padres Washington "Nat'l Lea."
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three soggy cardboard boxes
Key 1973 stat: Spilled mustard on his jersey 142 times without anyone noticing
Jumping the gun: In 1974, it appeared that the San Diego Padres were about to be sold and moved to Washington, D.C. Topps, with its high standards of quality (*cough*) decided it would print its set on the assumption the sale would go through, replacing the city and team name, even though the latter wasn't yet known (hence the ever-so-helpful "Nat'l Lea."). However, McDonald's owner Ray Kroc stepped in at the last minute and purchased the Padres, keeping them in town with no changes      not even in their terrible play or bodily function-colored uniforms.
And now, a quiz: How can we tell Vicente Romo is expecting to relocate, based on his above photo?
(A) He's pointing up toward the air, either at a plane or the home run ball he just surrendered.
(B) His sideburns distinctly resemble an aircraft's landing gear.
(C) His uncut hair appears to be flying away from his body.
(D) He's wearing a parachute as an undershirt.
(E) All of the above

Vicente Romo, 1974 Topps

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Name: Joe Pettini
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Shortstop, third base
Value of card: It's complicated
Key 1980 stat: You wouldn't understand
An ode to Joe Pettini: Joe, oh Joe. You're a complicated man. You dress like a cat burglar and carry the moniker of a salami maker. Andy Warhol, the master of the pop art movement, found your look so intriguing, so mesmerizing, that he painted the portrait above and sold it for a buck seventy-five when he was high on mescaline. Joe, oh Joe. How do you feather your mullet so? How can you see lunar pebbles on the moon with 14-pound glasses that make women swoon? Tell us the secrets of your mustache-like sideburns and sideburn-like mustache. Joe, fair Joe, thank you for being our work of art.

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Al Holland
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher (possibly a belly-itcher)
Value of card: 2 cat hairballs
Key 1980 stat: $12,876 annual salary as South San Francisco garbage collector
Gaze upon him: Here we have style maven Al Holland. The talented pitcher set out each day to redefine fashion on the diamond. He eschewed baseball caps, saying men who always wore hair helmets didn't need them. He sewed his own jacket from a tarp that spent two winters covering a wood pile. Why? Because he could. He grew a mustache that frowned for him when reporters questioned his fashion choices. His mutton chops? Epic. They were as thick as most lumberjacks' beards — but who needs a beard with a chin that manly? We salute you, Al Holland. A true style Giant.

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Position: Quarterback Outfield
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:

Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)

Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2

Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Biff Pocoroba, 1981 Fleer

Name: Biff Pocoroba
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 wispy hairs from that mustache
Key 1980 stat: 22 times said, "We're in Hotlanta," when it was warm outside
Well-earned induction: We here at The Bust would like to welcome Biff Pocoroba to the Name Hall of Fame. Biff joins an exclusive group, which includes the great Rowland Office, the renowned Charles Assmann, the legendary Dick Pole and, of course, Rusty Kuntz. Biff's name doesn't convey sexual innuendo or sound like a law firm, but it is one of the funnest names in the world to say out loud and references the best character in the "Back to the Future" series. (Isn't that right, butthead?) In Spanish, his surname loosely translates to "little steals," which is pretty awesome for a catcher. And, let's be honest, anyone who lets everyone call him "Biff" has earned his spot in the Name Hall of Fame.

Biff Pocoroba, 1981 Fleer

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 banana peels
Key 1980 stat: 820 days before being traded for Garry Templeton (nice, Padres, nice)
Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" for making magical plays; here are some of his best:

• He dove for a ground ball into the hole, popped up, made the throw to first and realized the infield dirt had turned his uniform the colors of throw-up.
• He sprung into the air to snag a line drive, propelled upward by his magnificent afro.
• He caught a ball that careened off his face, stylishly shaping his sideburns.
• He somehow, beyond all expectations, kept that hat on his head without once falling off for a full game.
• He orchestrated a trade to the Cardinals and won a World Series and made the Hall of Fame.

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Oscar Gamble, 1981 Fleer

Name: Oscar Gamble
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $10 in the hole if you Gamble
Key 1980 stat: 26 teeth in a sensational smile
It's the Bust's biggest superstar: Oscar Gamble was a good baseball player. He finished his career with 200 home runs and (mark of the devil) 666 RBIs. But he's best-known for being the subject of what is arguably the hairiest baseball card of all time. In the 1981 Fleer card above, Gamble has, it seems, matured a bit and trimmed down his famous 'fro to a manageable size. It might not look as good at the club, but the Yankees cap fits better. He's still rockin' an all-star mustache and enviable sideburns, and it appears he's happy with the more professional look. We here at the Bust respect Oscar's decision to clean it up, but when it comes to unique visitors on this laughable blog, anything other than the most-viewed 1977 Topps Traded afro spectacular is a gamble.

Oscar Gamble, 1981 Fleer

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One hateful scowl
Key 1978 stat: Voted most luxurious hair in the greater Milwaukee area
Clearing up some rumors about Gorman Thomas:

• Gorman Thomas was not constantly angry. He just lacked the facial muscles needed to smile.
• Gorman Thomas was not afraid to show some skin. He was afraid to wear any color except blue, however.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in fact, know what a "Gorman" was either.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in his later years, intentionally begin to resemble a St. Bernard dog. But he did wear a barrel of booze around his neck at times.
• Gorman Thomas' hair was not more impressive than his baseball talent. His ability to eat pickled eggs, however, was legendary.

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Name: John Mayberry
Team: New York Yankees
Position: First base/premier-but (*snicker*)
Value of card: One ounce of pork butt
Key 1982 stat: Didn't speak French
O-Pee-Chee gets bold: Hey, we liked John Mayberry as much as the next guy, but to say he has a premier butt? And then to not even show said butt on the card? You've got some explaining to do here, O-Pee-Chee. Kim and Jennifer want to know exactly what it is John has that they don't. Is it the pinstripes? The tight baseball pants? The fact that he bends over and stretches a lot? ... What's that? "Premier-but" is French for "first baseman"? Now that's hilarious.

John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Name: Sparky Lyle
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1983 - 1967 = 16 cents
Key 1982 stat: 17 times he took an O-Pee-Chee in the dugout corner
It's time for a Super Veteran version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hideous, pseudo-space-age uniform (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 2: 3-inch-deep butt chin (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 3: Honorable mention, Name Hall of Fame (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sideburns Dylan McKay would covet (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Thickness around the midsection (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 6: Fathered 1983 Sparky (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 7: Mustache that just won't stop, just won't quit (Winner: 1983 Sparky)

Score: 1983 Sparky 3, 1967 Sparky 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In the battle of Sparky vs. Sparky, the older, hairier version grabs the victory with a mustache for the ages.

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Name: Jim Fregosi
Team: California Angels
Position: Manager
Value of card: The yellow stitching from the halo in a sweat-soiled Angels hat
Key 1980 stat: 22 gold chains worn underneath jersey
It's time for a batting-practice pop quiz:

What has Angels manager the late Jim Fregosi so enraptured?

(A) He looked to his right and saw a man with more bodacious sideburns than his, and that man was an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(B) He looked to his right and saw a real angel, and that angel told him he should be an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(C) He looked to his right and saw a man dressed like Elvis Presley with an angel's halo and wings, and that man told him to keep growing his bodacious sideburns.
(D) He looked to his right and saw his reflection in a mirror, and thought, "Geez, I'm an Angel with Elvis Presley sideburns."
(E) All of the above.

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Larry Hisle, 1981 Donruss

Name: Larry Hisle
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 Schlitz cans
Key 1980 stat: 11 Schlitz cans consumed after the game
Here's what Larry Hisle stands for:

Ladies, I see you looking.
Are you impressed yet?
Rarely is a man this well-endowed.
Right in your face, looking back at you.
Yes, it's real.

Hard to avert your gaze.
Intentionally bold, intentionally yours.
Slightly curved, at times.
Long, strong and down to get the friction on.
Everybody knows I'm talking about my mustache, right?

Larry Hisle, 1981 Donruss

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Name: Fred Gladding
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A folded-up sheet of saran wrap
Key 1971 stat: Zero fans
Fred Gladding, by the numbers:

3.13: Career ERA
3.13 percent: Chance Fred knows where he is in this photo, judging by his expression
31.3 degrees: Angle at which his crossed eyes are staring
313: Empty seats in this photo, an image that reminds us of the 2013 Astros' season
3,130: Flies caught in Gladding's open mouth during April 1972

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Name: Harold Baines
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: #1 (cent)
Key 1977 stat: 12 designated hits (whatever that means)
Chicago White Sox scouting report on 1977 No. 1 draft pick Harold Baines: "Led his league in pop-outs — collar pop-outs. ... Sideburns have potential to hit .280. ... It's like his hair was made to have a baseball cap over it. ... Might look more like a big-leaguer if we get him out of the milkmaid outfit and into a uniform. ... No. 1 pick in the hair draft, so his future is bright. ... Has shown a lot of guts, if only for sporting that jewelry. ... We like nicknames, and 'Hair-old' is a built-in winner."

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Dan Hester, 1971-72 Topps ABA (Return of White Ballers Week No. 2)

Name: Dan Hester
Team: Kentucky Colonels
Position: Forward
Value of card: One empty, grease-stained KFC bucket
Key 1971-72 stat: 80 percent of head covered by hair
Top 10 things that could be found in Dan Hester's muttonchops:

10) Actual mutton
9) More pimples
8) The ABA's future
7) An aroma resembling a Moroccan sewer
6) 4.2 gallons of sweat
5) 4.2 gallons of delicious bourbon
4) A family of swallows
3) Three more of those stupid necklace things that he's wearing
2) A red, white and blue basketball
1) The rest of his forehead, somehow

Dan Hester, 1971-72 Topps ABA (Return of White Ballers Week No. 2)

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer

Name: Billy Sample
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of puddle water from a Bronx gutter
Key 1985 stat: 364 sessions of teeth-whitening
It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Billy Sample tipping his cap?

(A) He was just chosen as having Major League Baseball's best hat hair.
(B) The Statistics Professors of America just selected him as a sample of the best surname in the country.
(C) Nine out of 10 dentists agreed, that's one helluva smile.
(D) He knew he needed to do something if he was going to be on a baseball card in a T-shirt.
(E) He figured it was better than tipping his cup.
(F) All of the above.

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer