Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Monday
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield-first base
Value of card: 1,908 cents (wink, wink)
Key 1976 stat: 52 Mondays feeling special
Here's how Rick Monday spent his week:

• Monday: Posing for a baseball card.
• Tuesday: Still smiling, for the 24th straight hour.
• Wednesday: Asking a third-grader for advice on how to improve his penmanship.
• Thursday: Combing his mullet.
• Friday: Still smiling, for the 96th straight hour.
• Saturday: Going back, year by year, in search of a Cubs World Series title.
• Sunday: Counting the minutes to Monday.

Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's value is fuzzy
Key 1981 stat: Zero revolutionary surgeries
Photos so crisp, it's like you're at the ballpark: Above we see another fine example of that world-renowned Topps quality in the 1980s. But the blurry, washed-out picture on this card had to beat out a handful of other options, one would think      they were probably as follows:

• A blurry photo of Tommy John's windup from the back side
• A blurry photo of Tommy John standing in the dugout
• A blurry photo of Tommy John picking his nose
• A blurry photo of Tommy John's UCL scar
• A blurry photo of some guy named John Thomas
• A perfectly clear photo of Reggie Jackson with Tommy John in the background

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Leon Washington, 2006 Bowman Signs of the Future (Football Friday No. 195)

Name: Leon Washington
Team: New York Jets
Position: Running back
Value of card: One VHS copy of "Boyz n the Hood," half taped over
Key 2006 stat: Two misinterpreted middle-finger salutes
Q-U-I-Z! Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!: What's Leon Washington doing in this photo?

A) Responding to New York fans who booed him and every other Jets pick at the draft
B) Mocking future Jets coach Rex Ryan's man boobs
C) Practicing for his future career as a South African sign language interpreter
D) East siiiiiide!
E) All of the above

Leon Washington, 2006 Bowman Signs of the Future (Football Friday No. 195)

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The bounty of a pirate — a poverty-stricken pirate
Key 1981 stat: 12 games played at a drive-in movie theater
It's time for a signature-edition pop quiz:

What's Pascual Perez's excuse for that signature?

(A) He let a 3-year-old fan sign the card.
(B) He didn't use a pen; he used jheri-curl juice.
(C) That's not his signature; it's part of a radical uniform promotion the Pirates employed in 1981.
(D) Like many a Pirate, arrgh, he had scurvy when he signed this card.
(E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

George Scott, 1977 Topps

Name: George Scott
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: First base
Value of card: One tooth filling (composite, not gold)
Key 1976 stat: One instance of signing his name with his left hand and with his eyes closed
The Legend of George Scott: George Scott was a heckofa baseball player at the plate and in the field. He hit for power and won Gold Gloves. But this burly man didn't hone his skills on a neighborhood diamond. He built up the muscles that supplied his power by wrestling grizzly bears, moose and, once, a 1,300-pound manatee with a mean streak. Scott sharpened his reflexes by chasing down foxes, snatching falcons from the air and catching flying fish in his teeth. He didn't take for granted the animals he hunted and killed. He honored their spirits but consuming every part of them, save for one tooth each. After the kill, he'd clean the tooth and attach it to a necklace he never took off, even during games. Over the years, Scott's skills on the diamond tapered off. A few scouts believed this could have been due, in part, to the 70-pound elephant tusk hanging from his neck.

George Scott, 1977 Topps

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Name: Taylor Buchholz
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It ain't worth a buck-(holz)
Key 2007 stat: 712 games of "shadow"
It's time for another edition of ... What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was aware someone was behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware aware it was the Pirate Parrot mascot behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware someone behind him was touching him inappropriately: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was excited about this photo: 45%
Buchholz was embarrassed by this photo: 65%
Buccholz was reliving a decade's worth of childhood nightmares in this photo: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz's relationship with Pirate Parrot was a bit "rocky": 10%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were "two birds of a feather": 90%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were caught in this compromising position more than once: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card was the best card of Buchholz's career: 100%
This moment was the highlight of Buchholz's career: 100%
This bird was embarrassed to no end to be caught with a pitcher of Buchholz's caliber: 100%

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Name: Wilbur Wood
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three rotten logs
Key 1976 stat: Got two rave reviews from his dentist
Differences between us and Wilbur Wood:

• We wouldn't sign our first name so huge that we then had to cram our last name in at the end. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't eat that piece of cheesecake that's been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stand idly by while Topps airbrushed what appears to be a graduation gown on us. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stare up at the Bust Cup and wonder if it was filled with delicious raspberry syrup. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't let a photographer make our second and third chins the focus of a photo. But Wilbur Wood.

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Name: Rowland Office
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for one ticket to "Airplane II: The Sequel" in 1982
Key 1981 stat: Zero attempts to speak French in Montreal
10 things you'll find in Rowland's Office:
10) A stapler for clasping the top of his jersey
9) A ruler, in inches, for measuring things in metric
8) Rubber cement, in case he ran out of Soul Glo
7) A lamp for making sure everyone saw his jheri curl glisten
6) A computer, circa 1982, for doing not much not very fast
5) Tape for attaching his hat to his hair so it wouldn't fly off
4) A keyboard, not for typing, but for playing sweet jams
3) A dictionary, for looking up the three regular words that make up his name
2) Scissors for not cutting his hair
1) A vibrating pen

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Name: Butch Wynegar
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two gold cups (actually, reproductions of them on a worthless baseball card)
Key 1976 stat: 12 marbles won during elementary school recess
It's time to ask: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Wynegar's mother called him "Harold": 93%
Wynegar started using the nickname "Butch" to sound more like a big-leaguer: 95%
Wynegar's charade was exposed by the signature on this card: 100%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar was drafted straight out of high school by the Twins: 90%
Wynegar was younger than 18 when he first played for the Twins: 92%
Wynegar had to study his sixth-grade multiplication tables after this photo shoot for the Twins: 94%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar inspired thousands with his babyface looks: 8%
Wynegar inspired hundreds of gingers with his orangish-red locks: 12%
Wynegar inspired fewer fans than were in the stands in this card: 98%

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Name: Herb Washington
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pinch Run. (period)
Value of card: 1 Washington (dollar) minus 99 Lincolns (pennies)
Key 1974 stat: Zero pitches seen
Steady your stomachs, it's time for another Bust recipe:

Pinch of Fresh Herb Washington
1 pinch of fresh rosemary
2 pinches of fresh thyme
3 pinches of fresh oregano
4 pinches of fresh sage
5 pinches of already chewed Skoal
1 dollar bill
Bucket of tears

Mix the fresh herbs, the sickening Skoal and the dollar bill in the bucket of tears. Shake mixture and pour it on the base path, not letting any near the batter's box — ever. Wait for it to do nothing and dry up. Enjoy in an empty stadium in front of as many fans as you'll ever have.

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Michael Jordan, Summer of '94 (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Over-under is 12 cents (Jordan took the over and lost)
Key 1993 stat: 994 ounces of sweat over 94 days of summer
Welcome to Ball-Busting Basketball Week: That's right, all you degenerate gamblers, it's NCAA tourney time, and things here at The Bust are heating up. While the nation watches its brackets get busted, we're about to treat our faithful readers (see: you, and about three other guys) to seven days of basketball cards that need their balls busted. So sit back, relax and try not to dunk your laptop in the garbage after reading these posts.
10 things Michael Jordan did in the summer of '94:
10) Stood in disbelief after one of countless terrible golf shots
9) Had someone else sign his name in gold leaf
8) Wore shorts that were long enough to be pants on normal-size human beings
7) Sweated under the heat of two suns and a basketball-orange sky
6) Caught so much air he ended up outside Mars
5) Wondered why the hell the Japanese flag's sun disk was included on a sports card
4) Worked as Paul Hogan's stunt double in the unreleased "Crocodile Dundee III: Drunk in Chicago"
3) Gambled. A lot.
2) Hit the links at his favorite country club on Tatooine under its twin suns
1) Spent hours working on his putts

Michael Jordan, Summer of '94 (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 1)

Ruben Sierra, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 19 paint chips
Key 1993 stat: 412 Puerto Rican slums owned
So, what makes this Diamond Kings card so horrendous? After years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years of similar Diamond Kings cards, Donruss changed it up in 1994. They sent out mailers to thousands of children promoting a contest with a coveted prize that set the collecting word afire: paint Ruben Sierra by the numbers and win Sierra's faux-gold jewelry. One kid told one friend, and that kid told two friends, and they told four friends, and they told eight friends, and so and so on, until 12,342,876 children entered the contest by painting Sierra by the numbers and sending in their work. Donruss was overwhelmed by the entries, so they did what any respectable card company would do: They picked the first one they saw despite what it looked like, slapped on a fake signature and shipped it to the printer.

Ruben Sierra, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Tom Hume, 1982 Topps Coca-Cola

Name: Tom Hume
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Ohio redemption value for three Coca-Cola cans
Key 1981 stat: 218 coke parties (not Coca-Cola)
So, what does Tom Hume stand for:

Tufts of hair growing from his ears
Overbite was underwhelming
Mock turtleneck? No mocking it

Hat could have been raised an additional 6 or 7 inches
Underwear model in the offseason
Mullet needed some work
Eyesight was 20-20,000

Tom Hume, 1982 Topps Coca-Cola

Ronnie Lott, 1993 Playoff Club (Football Friday No. 121)

Name: Ronnie Lott
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Safety
Value of card: Not a Lott
Key 1992 stat: One haircut, eight months before this photo was taken
Time for an L.A. Gear-sponsored pop quiz:

Why did the bouncer turn away Ronnie Lott from the Playoff Club?

(A) He couldn't find Lott's name on the list based on the safety's third-grade signature.
(B) A "no humongous jacket" policy had been enacted.
(C) Lott, as seen above, was clearly intoxicated upon arrival.
(D) Clearly, Lott was a square.
(E) All of the above.

Ronnie Lott, 1993 Playoff Club (Football Friday No. 121)

Juan Eichelberger, 1982 Topps

Name: Juan Eichelberger
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Just "Juan" cent
Key 1981 stat: One terrible "Juan" pun
Putting the promotion in motion: In 1981 struggling San Diego burger joint Ground Chuck's started a promotion in a desperate bid to save the shop. Owner Chuck Heller offered any Padres fan wearing the urine-and-excrement-colored uniforms the new Eichel Burger for just "Juan," that's right, just "Juan" dollar. If the Padres fan showed up with a homeless man's beard and unwashed hair, as well as the throwup-inspired uniforms, he would get two Eichel Burgers for just "Juan," that's right, just "Juan" dollar. If a fan wearing the uniform and sporting the rat-infested hair and beard-'stache showed up to Ground Chuck's and ordered 10 Eichel Burgers, he'd get a free serial-killer-scrawled autograph from the one-and-only Juan Eichelberger himself. Buy 20? Juan Eichelberger would show up and drink "Juan," yes "Juan" 12-pack of Schlitz with the lucky fan. Buy 50? Ol' Chuck would let the fan in on the Eichel Burger's secret ingredients. (Here's a hint: It wasn't just the uniforms that were inspired by urine and excrement.) Ground Chuck's soon went under.

Juan Eichelberger, 1982 Topps

Gary Alexander, 1982 Topps

Name: Gary Alexander
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A Pirate's booty (not the kind you want)
Key 1981 stat: 2-inch hat brim
It's time for another dose of The Caption, which we're told ran in a Pittsburgh-area newspaper in 1982: "Gary Alexander, a catcher with two first names, stares, ever so passionately, at his Pittsburgh Pirates teammates warming up in their tight baseball pants and hats with the tiniest of tiny brims Wednesday in the Steel City as his afro juice drips down his neck and he ducks out of the way of a child's signature hurdling through the air."

Gary Alexander, 1982 Topps

Tim Lollar, 1982 Topps

Name: Tim Lollar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 lollar
Key 1981 stat: Three E's in last name (according to the child's handwriting above)
What can you buy for a "lollar"?
10) A jersey not consisting of three shades of barf
9) A legible signature
8) A dentist-endorsed mouth-closing device
7) A decent haircut
6) A card that doesn't have a production error smudge above the player's hat
5) An alien, not just a guy who looks like an alien
4) "Hold on, I'm thinking deeply about your question while staring at the horizon."
3) A hat that wasn't fished from the toilet.
2) A photo shot by a professional
1) This card, with 99 cents' change

Tim Lollar, 1982 Topps

Tim Foli, 1982 Topps

Name: Tim Foli
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 ounces of the swill from the "upper deck" of a real pirate's toilet
Key 1981 stat: Zero washes of stinking, all-black uniform
So, what does Tim Foli stand for?

Terrible uniform, even for the Pirates
Imagine your 11th grade biology teacher playing in the pros
Mustache made from mole hair (not mohair)

Fim Foli or Pim Poli; who can tell with this signature?
Outer rings of Saturn around a square hat
Loot for this Pirate is an extra pack of yellow stirrups
Is that a V-neck jersey or do we need glasses as thick as Foli's?

Tim Foli, 1982 Topps

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps

Name: Larry Milbourne
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop-second base
Value of card: Six water bottles filled with tobacco spit
Key 1979 stat: 14,390 chews taken
10 things Milbourne might be chewing in his left cheek:
10) The ball from his first, and only, hit of the season
9) A fish thrown at his face at Pike Place Market
8) An actual mariner
7) 1.5 pounds of bubblegum stolen from a chubby kid in row 1
6) Cancer
5) The Topps logo that's mysteriously not on this card
4) A third batting glove covered in chewing tobacco spit
3) The second "R" in his first name that he left out of his signature
2) His other lambchop
1) A chew, a chew, a chew, a chew and another chew

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps