Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, base stealer
Value of card: The 25 cents Vince Coleman just stole from you
Key 1985 stat: Roughly 1,287 stolen bases
10 horror movie titles for this card in addition to "Terror on the Basepaths":
10) "A Nightmare on Stirrup Street"
9) "The Cardinals Birds"
8) "The Outfielder from the St. Louis Lagoon"
7) "Dr. Coleman and Mr. Smith"
6) "The Phantom of the Arch"
5) "The Missouri Uniform Massacre"
4) "Night of the Living Red"
3) "The Curse of Franken-stache"
2) "Invasion of the Base Snatchers"
1) "The Shining (Teeth)"

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Name: Phil Simms
Team: New York Giants
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One protein shake, spilled
Key 1980 stat: Weighed 135 pounds
Places you may have seen Phil Simms around the time the above photo was taken:

• In the middle school cafeteria, eating lunch
• Getting his booster shots at the pediatrician's office
• Trying to sneak into an R-rated movie with his buddies
• Sitting at the soda fountain, reading a comic book
• Waiting impatiently at the beach while his mother slathered sunscreen on him, and then getting sunburned anyway

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Tony Fernandez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tony Fernandez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 12 dried maple leaves, crumbled into powder
Key 1988 stat: 217 batting stances tried
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

What's Tony Fernandez's name for his batting stance?

(A) The All-Wrong Right Angles
(B) The Skinny and Dip
(C) The Bulge First, Batting Average Second
(D) The Toronto Seizure
(E) The Tiny Wrist Blitz
(F) The Churn-Nandez
(G) The Chicken Leg Convulsion Propulsion
(H) All of the above

Tony Fernandez, 1989 Donruss

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Name: Frank Shorter
Event: Athletics Marathon
Medal count: One gold in 1972, one silver in 1976
Value of card: Three Barbie dresses
Key 1972 stat: 114 pounds
A manly competition: It was a steamy day in Munich, the streets covered in dust, sweat and the fallen dreams of so many athletes. The gaze of the world beat down as fierce as the sun, breaking most men who dared to seek glory in the refuge of the day. Through the thick air and unrelenting pain rose one man, a runner, but a runner who would never run from anything. Anguished step after anguished step he plowed ahead, an American on German soil. Past one, and then another, he ran. With each lunge millions held their breath, with each heartbeat he strode closer to the ultimate goal that no one, earthly or otherwise, could keep from him: a gold medal in the 1972 Munich Olympic Games' run-like-a-sissy-girl marathon.

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Yannick Noah, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 5)

Name: Yannick Noah
Country: France (of course)
Value of card: Three hairballs pulled from the shower drain
Key 1990 stat: One ark
10 reasons this card requires stereotypical France bashing:
10) The promotion of ugly 1980s socks with colored rings near top is despicable.
9) Bony, shaved legs have been known to induce vomiting.
8) It makes you say the name "Yannick" out loud.
7) The subject of this card ended up fathering this thing.
6) He's wearing a massive beret. ... Wait, what's that? That's his hair?
5) He stinks of the smelliest cheese in all of Paris —and French women like it.
4) His shorts barely cover his "bona-part."
3) Noah, a Frenchman, "surrendered" many aces. Ba-dum-ching.
2) This a-hole is a pop star.
1) Cavemen can't play tennis.

Yannick Noah, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 5)

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Phil Nevin

Team: Team USA

Positions: Shortstop, third base, patriot

Value of card: 12 cents (U.S.)

Key 1991 stat: One country defended — with a baseball bat

President George H.W. Bush's scouting report of Phil Nevin, circa 1991: "Read my lips: no new Nevins. ... Saddam's got nothing on this new breed of American soldier. ... Much better neck feathers than Quayle. ... Will instill fear in the hearts of our enemies with his 116-pound frame. ... He'll be a big part of the Department of Defense, as soon as he graduates from seventh grade. ... We'll need to get him a new hat for his clandestine work. ... This guy's got ears like Perot, but I like him anyway."

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA