Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: It's slightly exaggerated
Key 1993 stat: Crapped bigger than a city bus
Ways in which Deionzilla destroyed Atlanta:

• Caused a massive dust storm by running so fast
• Crushed 14 skyscrapers by high-stepping
• Flooded entire city blocks with his hair product
• Started four-alarm fires by reflecting the sun's rays off his necklaces
• Drove thousands to insanity with his incessant talk (OK, regular Deion did that, too.)

Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Name: Scott Pose
Team: Chattanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A box full of nothing but sky (that is, air)
Key 1991 stat: Never convinced anybody of anything
Get your story straight: This Scott Pose card is as confusing as it is worthless. Here are just some of its contradictions:

• The guy's name is Pose, but this is clearly a live-action shot of him crashing into the wall      right?
• He plays for the Lookouts, but he clearly wasn't looking out for his own dignity when agreeing to this shot.
• This photo was purportedly taken in Chattanooga, but, given the exposed wiring and crumbling masonry, that sure looks like the Oakland Coliseum to us.
• The card says he's a "pre-rookie," but we all know that's not actually a thing.

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?

A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

Name: Mark Carrier
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Safety
Value of card: One rusty rivet
Key 1992 stat: Always wore gloves
10 strange things about this Mark Carrier card:

10) It was made, even though no one wanted it.
9) It was also made into a poster that no one wanted.
8) Mark Carrier's pants
7) Apparently, there is some sort of misty orange lake near the Sears Tower.
6) Apparently, Mark Carrier can stand atop said lake.
5) That plane is about to fall off that ship, but does Mark Carrier care? Nooooo.
4) Mark Carrier's gloves
3) Carrier appears to be lugging a spare jersey around with him, just in case.
2) He's got a towel tucked into his belt like some sort of helmet-carrying bartender.
1) There is clearly room for at least five more patches on that jacket. Get to work, Mark!

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: Catching the last 12 seconds of Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" on the radio
Key 1992-93 stat: One smudge of blue paint
A legend from down under: Few people know that Australian rock band Men At Work used to be David Robinson's favorite music group. Indeed, when the Aussies broke up and stopped touring in 1986, The Admiral was crushed. Robinson, who knew the saxophone part to "Who Can It Be Now?" by heart, took it upon himself in the early '90s to form a Men at Work cover band, called Men at Lurk, in San Antonio. Robinson and his bandmates would play nightclubs and city parks before being chased off by bouncers, police officers, and members of the general public. But everything changed in 1996 when Men at Work founder Colin Hay, while visiting the Lone Star State, heard Men at Lurk covering "Down Under." Hay was so horrified by the poor attempt at his music that he immediately reformed his own band and got a restraining order against Robinson's group. The Admiral, saddened, locked himself in his bedroom and played the intro from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" for the next two days straight.

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Barry Sanders, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 7)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Tape two dimes to it, and it's worth 20 cents
Key 1993 stat: One mixed metaphor
We don't know, either: What do the Roaring '20s and adult male lions have in common, other than both being referenced on the above card?

A) Uhhhhh ...
B) Well, you know ...
C) Er ...
D) Roaring, I guess ...
E) Didn't Hemingway write a story about a lion or something?

Barry Sanders, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 7)

Barry Foster, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 6)

Name: Barry Foster
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Running back
Value of card: A steel penny
Key 1993 stat: Zero smelting performed
Man of steel and stuff: Apparently, Barry Foster's wheels are made of steel. Here's what other parts of him are made of:

• Gut: Beer and whipped cream
• Reebok Pumps: Rubber, air and fungus (mostly in the toe)
• Goatee: Sharpie ink
• Socks: Corduroy
• Fingers: Sausages, from the looks of it
• Talent: Mirages
• Back: Something incredibly heat-resistant. That's just not safe, man!

Barry Foster, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 6)

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Whatever comes out of that horse in the background
Key 1992 stat: Not an actual sheriff
Top 10 current or former Dallas Cowboys that Troy Aikman would have had to arrest, were he actually a lawman:
10) Michael Irvin, for mistaking a chalk line for, well, you know
9) Nate Newton, for eating everyone's lunch while they were practicing
8) Ed "Too Tall" Jones, for being too tall
7) Emmitt Smith, for ending his career with the Cardinals
6) Tony Romo, for defrauding the team by saying he was a quarterback
5) Jimmy Johnson, for using performance-enhancing hair products
4) Leon Lett, for sheer stupidity
3) Deion Sanders, for pimping
2) Himself, for being so criminally good-looking
1) Jerry Jones, for impersonating a GM

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One bootleg copy of "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
Key 1992 stat: 42 times using an airplane bathroom
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet:

• The F-14 for many years was the U.S. Navy's preferred fighter jet, capable of air superiority. Bernie Kosar for a few years was Cleveland's preferred quarterback, capable of air competency.
• When not in action, the F-14 spends much of its time resting on the deck of an aircraft carrier. When not in action, Bernie Kosar spent much of his time resting his head on a bar, passed out.
• The F-14 was capable of carrying up to six missiles to hit targets. Bernie Kosar usually needed more chances to hit a target.
• The F-14 was the featured aircraft in the 1986 blockbuster "Top Gun," a movie that raked in millions. Bernie Kosar was featured in the 2012 sports documentary "Broke," about athletes who have spent or lost all their millions.
• F-14 pilots wear flight suits that are designed to provide warmth, be fire-retardant and have lots of pockets. Bernie Kosar is wearing a prison jumpsuit with lots of patches glued to it and the collar popped.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Name: Steve Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 7 ounces of fool's gold
Key 1992 stat: 25 passing touchdowns (by three Steve Youngs; that's more than eight each)
No matter the situation, Steve Young only had two responses:

Run ...
When defenders are rushing you.
When someone challenges you to a race.
When the ice-cream truck is down the street.
When someone flashes a golden bulge at you.

Gun ...
When you're hunting deer.
When you're defending your family from masked robbers.
When you bump into Raiders fans in a dark alley.
When someone puts an ampersand hat on your head.

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Warren Moon, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 2)

Name: Warren — wait for it — Moon
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of green cheese
Key 1991 stat: Six straight years voted "best quarterback name" in NFL
Look up, the pun is shining: Warren Moon was an all-world quarterback. He never cratered under pressure and always made plays when he found himself in space. His stats often eclipsed all other players at his position and his leadership was never waning. Waxing poetic, Moon was a shining star, so to speak, whose exploits would make fans beam with pride. Moon's presence alone added gravity to games. Don't agree? Moon, till this day, will turn around, bend over, pull down his pants and express his disagreement.

Warren Moon, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 2)

Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A DVD copy of Season 5 of "Miami Vice" (two discs missing)
Key 1992 stat: One loitering ticket
Welcome to Preposterous Poster Week: With the NFL season just days away, we've decided to take a closer look at some of the finest football cards we've ever seen. In the early 1990s, Skybox decided it wasn't enough to make atrocious sports cards, so it helped create a series of atrocious sports posters. As if that wasn't bad enough, Skybox then turned said posters into — you guessed it — football cards. Now we're bringing you seven of the most embarrassing images to ever decorate a 14-year-old boy's bedroom (family photos excluded). Apologies in advance.

Ways in which Dan Marino is either armed or dangerous in the above photo:

• It's dangerous to leave a football helmet on the back of a Corvette. If he forgets it's there, it could fall off and get scratched.
• He's probably got some guns or something in that duffel bag.
• It's dangerous to cover up such beautiful Zubaz pants, which is why his jersey is so neatly tucked in.
• He's armed with a special permit that lets him park on the beach, even though the palm tree clearly bans such activity.
• It's dangerous to give Marino so much time without pressuring him. Unless it's the playoffs, of course.

Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Michael Jackson, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 132)

Name: Michael Jackson
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: The same as Jackson's visor, cracked down the middle
Key 1994 stat: 15,933 groin touches through hand warmer
Michael Jackson's "Bad," rewritten for this Michael Jackson: 
Your coverage is fine, can't fake you right / Gonna drop this pass in broad daylight
I'm telling you, I've got no wheels / Gonna hurt fans' minds; please don't shoot to kill
Gonna run my route on the count of three / Throw me the ball, and it's incomplete
I'm telling you, I've got bad hands / My coach is pissed, says I should be canned

Well they say the sky's the limit
But for me that's just not true
Browns fans you ain't seen nothing
Gonna really make you boo

Because I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, don't throw it
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
And the QB is yelling at me right now
Just to tell me once again, I'm bad

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jackson, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 132)

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Skybox (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Shawn Kemp (Not "Fat Shawn Kemp," that's a blog)
Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Positions: Power forward, father of 64
Value of card: 64 children sired
Conversation between two basketball card-collecting kids in 1991: 

Kid No. 1: "Wow, this is so radical! Look at those awesome graphics! They must have made it with one of those new computers. How'd they make a basketball with a comet tail! Wow! Look at those tubular arrows! Awesome! What a bodacious light-blue rectangle! This card must've been sent from the future! Whoa!"
Kid No. 2: "I read in Sports Illustrated that Shawn Kemp has fathered dozens of children across the nation and has failed to pay child support to many of their mothers."
Kid No. 1: "Radical! These computer graphics make it look like he's flying! Awesome!"

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Skybox (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 6)

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Kansas Jayhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 ounces of stubble, shaved
Key 1992 stat: 82-2 record at Hungry Hungry Hippos
49ers' scouting report on first-round pick Dana Stubblefield: "This big kid could be a force if we find him a helmet that fits. ... Despite his high school-looking uniform, he did play in college. ... His use of a tube sock for an elbow pad and a bandanna for a belt shows he's resourceful. ... We'll ask this kid to wear those blue gloves when he's doing the dishes. ... In a surprising coincidence, our owners had plans to change the name Candlestick Park to Stubble Field. ... If he doesn't work out on the defense, we can use his sweat to water three-quarters of the San Joaquin Valley. ... Pro body, collegiate bulge."

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Yellow
Key 1992-93 stat: One Photoshop lesson
Welcome to Jordan Week: In honor of the NBA finally getting its rhymes-with-wit together and starting a season this Sunday, we present a week full of mistakes basketball cards featuring the best hoops player of all time, His Airness, Michael Jordan. We've been trying to be like Mike since grade school, but have only succeeded so far in sticking our tongues out and losing a lot of money by gambling.
A handful of titles for this, um, artistic card:

• It's Always a Sunny Basketball in Chicago
• Ferris Bueller's Day of Getting Dunked On
• Chicago Dope
• The Bulls Brother
• MJ's O Face
• The Armpit That Ate Chicago

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Patrick Ewing, 1990-91 Skybox (NBA Draft Week No. 6)

Name: Patrick Chewing Ewing
Team: New York Knicks
Position: Center
Value of card: Dried sweat
Key 1990-91 stat: One floating hoop
Thoughts on the 1990-91 SkyBox set: The 1990-91 SkyBox set was frickin' awesome. Gone were the days of boring old basketball cards, what with the players just dribbling or passing or dunking. Now we had the future: our favorite hoops stars dribbling or passing or dunking IN FRONT OF EXCITING, COLORED GEOMETRIC SHAPES!!! Plus, the basketball was usually glowing to some extent. Hell, even white-baller all-star Kurt Rambis got fired up for that.
Thoughts on Patrick Ewing: Patrick Ewing's knees were made of glass and cardboard, as well as some sort of insulation that made him sweat constantly. It was all very unfortunate.

Patrick Ewing, 1990-91 Skybox (NBA Draft Week No. 6)

Micheal Williams, 1991-92 Skybox (Basketball Art Week No. 2)

(Misspelled) Name: Micheal Williams

Team: Indiana Pacers

Position: Point guard

Value of card: Two purple star stickers

Key 1990-91 stat: Zero stats that made him a star

Published art critique, from noted expert Enrico Pallazzo: "In the realm of beauty is art and in the realm of art is beauty. This combination of combinations can be subtle, or, as in the case of the mixed-media piece 'Starry Micheal of Indiana, No. 4' (above), it can slap your conception of explanation across the mouth, leaving you in awe and slack-jawed. Here, we see Micheal Williams, a basketball player so mediocre when compared with his surroundings that even his first name, misspelled, becomes a joke. This isn't the final insult to him and his chosen field of excellence, or, dear viewer, the lack thereof. Touche. Williams, unknown even to the most informed fanatic of the game, is no star. Yet, the crafty crafters behind the computers at Skybox made the choice to highlight his spindly knees and shaky spot in the spotlight by including a dozen or so stars behind him. Please, take a moment to digest such a decision. The risk taken; the result approved. As if that weren't enough to trip up esteemed critic after esteemed critic, let's take, in part, the inclusion of a back-lit basketball. Is it the sun? Is it Williams' sun? Is it Williams' son? Oh, dear viewer, you can't be sure, and, with that, you're hooked, left to always wonder why a man lost in a game would so choose to push, or, as the case here presents itself, pass away his child, his love, displayed with deft execution in the form of a ridged, autumn-hued sphere that defines his being. Rating: 2 of 10 stars. 'Stars,' oh, the unjustifiable irony, laments your grateful critic, Enrico."

Micheal Williams, 1991-92 Skybox (Basketball Art Week No. 2)

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Names: Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebacker, defensive end, respectively
Value of card: One broken taillight
Key 1993 stat: About a million sacks, combined
It's a Matchup between two sackmasters:

Round 1: Standing in traffic (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Head roundness (Winner: Smith)
Round 3: Not getting in the way of genius "RUSH HOUR" lettering (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Pants hitched up to armpits (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Prominence of lace-up crotch (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Badassery (Winner: Thomas)
Round 7: Respect for that terrible Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan movie (Winner: Neither)
Round 8: Bulge (Winner: Thomas)
Round 9: Love of ketchup (Winner: Smith)

Final score: Smith 4, Thomas 3 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Derrick Thomas may have had the more memorable career, but it's Neil Smith who's the big Chief today. It's a good thing he had his crotch laced up so tightly. More importantly, "Rush Hour" sucked.

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Steve Tasker, 1993 Skybox Kelly's Heroes (Football Friday No. 60)

Name: Steve Tasker

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Special teams

Value of card: Shrapnel from a tank blast

Key 1992 stat: Zero trips to the dentist for Jim Kelly

Wow. Just wow: Skybox was known in the 1990s for some of the cheesiest gimmicks in the sports card business, but the Kelly's Heroes football subset in 1993 may have been the most blatant embrace of the nonsensical. We could talk about the 3 pounds of product in Kelly's hair, the yellow tinge to his teeth, the cartoon tank or the hyperbole — "Steve's a lunatic." — ascribed to the Bills quarterback, but none of these things compare to the back of the card:

That's right, Magic's Kingdom and Kelly's Heroes — each a groan-inducing pun in its own right — were combined on one card. Kelly has a tank; Magic gets a star, hearkening to his time on the "showtime" Los Angeles Lakers. Kelly's teeth are front and center; Magic gives collectors the thumbs-up. The writing on the card's back is as putrid as what's on the front. Magic all but admits he chose Elvis Patterson only because he watched him play more than other players. Who cares if he's not good, right? Which brings up the most important failure of the subset: Why in god's good name should football fans care what a basketball player thinks of the NFL? Nothing heroic, nothing magical for this thinking outside the Skybox.

Steve Tasker, 1993 Skybox Kelly's Heroes (Football Friday No. 60)