Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: $275,000,000 (Rodriguez's current contract) x 0
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing drug use
Top 10 reasons Alex Rodriguez was getting miked up:
10) High-energy pop performance with former paramour Madonna.
9) TV spot for the D.A.R.E program.
8) Pregame chat with the Texas Rangers because, uh — no reason, Mariners front office.
7) Session with kids on how to modify a batting helmet and mitt to save time between innings.
6) In-game analysis for Fox during a drug suspension.
5) Commercial to pitch his A-Rod Custom Fly-Fishing Rods.
4) He's not getting miked up; that's a polygraph machine.
3) On-air interview with Pompous Male magazine.
2) Two words: Tom Emanski.
1) Grand jury testimony

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A straw with a hole in it
Key 1986 stat: Half a mustache
Is Darryl Strawberry having a medical emergency? While li'l Darryl appears to be fit and hale, watching yet another long ball soar out of Shea, big Darryl might be in trouble. His hat's a little askew, but that's no big deal, and his eyes look fine. His nose is pretty asymmetrical, though      perhaps he's been in a fistfight? The big worry here, however, is what's going on with his mouth and cheeks. Either he's having a stroke or half of his face is melting due to some sort of witchcraft. Grab a cross and call an ambulance, Straw! Every second counts!

Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... zero
Key 1994 stat: 96 astronauts offended
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: Here we see Jeff Bagwell, in all his power-hitting glory, swinging as if to launch a rocket into outer space. The twist? He's hitting an actual rocket, full of tiny astronauts, carrying with it supplies for the International Space Station and the hopes and aspirations of an entire nation. The shuttle, apparently, malfunctioned, and only the mighty Bagwell could set it back on its course for great beyond, on a course for outer space — a true moonshot.

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated brute hitter
Value of card: We're thinking at least a few hundred bucks
Key 1984 stat: 65 bears wrestled
Welcome back, Mr. Luzinski: It's a fact known to only a few people (because we only have a few readers): Greg Luzinski, the bearded wonder who clubbed home runs for the Chicago White Sox in the mid-1980s, was the first Baseball Card Bust subject. We called him the Kodiak Brute, saying he "spent his formative years wrestling brown bears and chewing on tree trunks." Looking back five years, we couldn't have been more correct. When Luzinski saw a hive teeming with bees, he'd stick his face in it to slurp down the honey. When he'd take a dip in a river of raging rapids, he catch his salmon lunch in his teeth. When he'd have to go, you guessed it, he'd go in the woods. We salute you, Greg "The Kodiak Brute" Luzinski. You're the perfect ambassador for such a prestigious blog.

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinal
Position: First base
Value of card: Watch as its value disappears!
Key 1998 stat: Whole lotta homers, whole lotta supplements
One-stop shot shop: Most of us remember that McGwire magic back in 1998. Here are a handful of places where you could buy your own.

• From that guy with all the backne at the gym
• At Jose Canseco's rummage sale
• From that big German dude who works at the GNC on Tuesdays
• Ask Sammy Sosa and A-Rod. They might know.
• Two words: Vic Conte

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Like the card, mini-mal
Key 1988 stat: 1 missing E in last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 4:16 to 4:17 p.m. July 21, 1988: "Hmm ... what am I doing here? ... Hmm ... Oh, that's right, I'm here to play baseball. ... Baaaasssseeebaaallllll ... Man, this helmet doesn't fit right. ... It's so small. ... In fact, this whole environment seems small. ... Whoa. ... It's like I've shrunk. ... What is happening around me? ... Where ... am ... I? ... It's as if I've become ... mini. ... I'm mini. ... Damn you, Topps! ... Damn you!"

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Eric Davis
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A (Diamond) King's randsom (sooo, nothing)
Key 1986 stat: 67 yards rushing
Please calm down, Mr. Davis: Man, Eric Davis is heated. Look at the guy. He's ready to jump through the card and rip off your face. But you're not to blame. He's upset with the esteemed Dick Perez, the artist behind hundreds of Diamond Kings, including this one. You have to understand, Mr. Davis doesn't like the insinuation that he plays tennis, checkers or "Tron," as the background of the card seems to imply. He doesn't like the misshapen stirrups on the misshapen legs of his miniature self. And he definitely doesn't like being portrayed as an angry guy. That makes him friggin' furious. Grrrr.

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40/40 = 1 cent
Key 1988 stat: 40 (yup, just 40)
Some of the 40/40 clubs that Jose Canseco belonged to:

• 40 home runs / 40 stolen bases
• 40 ounces of mullet / 40 hats to cover mullet
• 40 yellow jerseys / 40 A's fans blinded by yellow jerseys
• 40 pieces of jewelry / 40 cents spent on vending machine jewelry
• 40 times mistaken for Ozzie Canseco / 40 times mistaken for a decent human being
• 40 holes in 5 square inches of mesh jersey / 40 holes in many of his drugs-in-baseball stories

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: 11 6-week-old Big Macs
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing-drug use
The Naturals subset seems like an odd choice for McGwire; some other odd subset choices:

• Nolan Ryan, Indians
• Randy Johnson, Short Guys
• Oscar Gamble, Flat Tops
• Tommy Lasorda, Irishmen
• O.J. Simpson, Innocents
• Rusty Kuntz, Unfunny Names
• Barry Bonds, Naturals

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One insult
Key 1990 stat: One visit to the atmosphere of Mars, apparently
Not so thrilled: Will Clark must have had a beef with Fleer around 1990. How else could one explain this card? See, most of these Fleer Pro-Visions pointed to a strength in a player's game, like speed, power, or the ability to count. Instead, this one seems to insinuate that even a ball of rubber could break the Thrill's bat. Rude. It's not all bad, though. At least they gave him enough sense to pull his head away from the flying shards of wood.

Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Name:  Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Tuxedo sweat
Key 1992 stat: Head not yet the size of an asteroid
What's got Barry dressed up all fancy like?

A) His induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame (ha ha, nope)
B) A Christmas Eve dinner with buddy Vic Conte
C) Baseball fans and writers are throwing a gala in his honor
D) Court
E) All of the above (except A and C, of course)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two (refried) beans, one ball (stitches ripped out; peed on by a dog)
Key 1986 stat: Hit by pitch six times
It hurts to be The Hawk: Oh, man. It's tough being Andre Dawson. You had to start your career in French-speaking Montreal and you tore up your knees during your prime on artificial turf that was more like concrete than grass. Then you went to the Chicago Cubs, who fielded laughable teams and continued the Curse of the Billy Goat when you should have been a star on the national scene. Somehow, you played through the pain in your knees and the pain of being a Cubbie and won an MVP award in 1987. Yet, despite all that — and somehow looking like a pro athlete in those Little League Cubs uniforms — your 1987 Classic card features a photo taken at the moment you're getting plugged in the face with a fastball. Ouch. Maybe it's just us, but a Hall of Famer deserves a little more respect. On the other hand, those are pretty weak break-dancing moves.

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1991 stat: Three consonants to start five-letter last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 5:34 to 5:35 p.m. Aug. 15, 1991: "Hey, get a load of that photographer over there. I'm going to make him laugh. Let's see, how about I stick out my tongue? No, that's too juvenile. How about I put my palms to my mouth and make farting sounds? No, I'd swallow the pine tar on my batting glove. I know, I'll give him my best Elvis impersonation. And here we go: A hu-huh-how. ... What the? It's ... it's ... it's ... stuck! Lord, help! My face is stuck! My Elvis face is stuck. Help! Help! Kirby, anybody, help! I got my blue suede shoes. Help! Everybody was dancing to the jailhouse rock. Help! Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Help! Wise men say, only fools rush in ..."

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A lump of ear wax
Key 1990 stat: Never actually struck by lightning
Fun facts about slugger Jose Canseco and lightning:

• Lightning is seen as a bright flash, often coming down toward Earth. Canseco is neither bright nor down-to-earth.
• Worldwide, lightning occurs about 40 to 50 times a second. Canseco turns the light switch on and off 40 to 50 times a minute for his own entertainment.
• Fear of lightning is called "astraphobia." Change "tra" to "swipe" and you have the word for the fear of Jose Canseco.
• Lightning strikes can cause, among other things, burns to humans. Jose Canseco has burned most of the people he's known.
• Lightning creates ozone, which carries a distinct, metallic smell. Canseco also carries a distinct smell, similar to hair gel mixed with Chef Boyardee-brand ravioli.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Alex Rodriguez, 2013 Topps SP

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Third base (but only first base with that fan)
Value of card: Having something in common with Cameron Diaz
Key 2012 stat: Actually played in a few games
Train of thought of the fan standing in the center of the above photo, 2:10 to 2:11 p.m., June 12, 2012: "Holy wow, I still can't believe these seats. I can actually see the chili stains on Sabathia's uniform! All right, let's go boys      oh man, this foul is headed right for us! OK, steady, steady. No way A-Rod makes it over here on that hip. And reach! OH, OH GOD, WHAT IS IN MY EAR? Is that Rodriguez's tongue? And he's trying to hold my hand! What the (expletive deleted)! I don't care if he caught the damn ball, the dude just tried to taste my eardrum. Oh, so disgusting! And now I've got his weird purple lipstick all over my neck. This is even worse than the time I saw David Wells barf up what looked like a gallon of borscht behind the pitcher's mound."

Card submitted by Jeremy Porter, Collector Revolution

Alex Rodriguez, 2013 Topps SP

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Name: Ted Kluszewski
Team: Cincinnati Redlegs
Position: First base
Value of card: (Kluszewski flexes, then says, "How 'bout this?")
Key 1956 stat: (Kluszewski chops wood, then turns, stares at you, and spits.)
Feast your eyes on a man: Bow down, you pathetic coward. For you are staring at Ted Kluszewski, the manliest of men to ever put on a uniform and tear it to shreds as he flexed. This is the essence of man, the personification of all your fears and self-loathing — and desires. His chin once made Kurt Douglas' chin cry during a chin fight. His forearms were used as models for a sailor named Popeye. His eyebrows' daily sheddings formed herds of Sasquatches. You think those arms are big? You're right, sissy; that bat weighs 78 pounds. His sleeves? They were rightfully frightened and never showed up to the photo session. That last name? It worked as a loan shark's muscle when Kluszewski slept. Bottom line: This guy is such a man, the owners of the Cincinnati Redlegs took one look at Kluszewski's arms and decided the team's name no longer worked.

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Rob Deer, 1990 Topps Big

Name: Rob Deer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An 8-oz. bag of deer scat
Key 1989 stat: Twice put sticks on his head, pretended they were antlers
It's a return to the Wiki Entry: Deer (singular and plural) are the ruminant mammals forming the Brewers right field family Cervidae. Male Deer deer of all species (except the Ron Robinson Chinese water deer) and also female Deer family members reindeer grow and shed new mustaches antlers each year. In this they differ from permanently hirsute horned animals such as Pete Vuckovich antelope; these are in the same order as Deer deer and may bear a superficial resemblance. ... The word "Deer" "deer" was originally broad in meaning, but became more specific over time. In Middle America English, Deer der meant a wild swinger animal of any kind.

Rob Deer, 1990 Topps Big

Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson, 1991, um, Bash II? ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 7)

Names: Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: It's worth bashing, all right
Key 1990 stat: Two careers headed in different directions
Real quick: Before we get to the players pictured above, let's talk about the back of this card. In child-like scribble, it predicts the future, talking about how these guys are the next Bash Brothers (only without the steroids) and mentioning a "new bashing era for White Sox fans" that isn't meant as a reference to the team's World Series drought. OK, Bash II Trading Card Company (or whoever the hell made this garbage), good call.

Bye-bye, Big Hurt: What better way to wrap up a week of horrendous baseball cards than by bringing in a guest star who was responsible for some equally horrendous baseball cards? These two guys saw their faces on a lot of crap in the early '90s      it's about time they faced off in The Matchup.

Round 1: Better White Sox uniform (Winner: Jackson)
Round 2: More color, both in uniform and in face (Winner: Thomas)
Round 3: Heart-melting smile (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Better pouty face (Winner: Jackson)
Round 5: Better nickname (Winner: Thomas)
Round 6: Worst sports card of all time (Winner: Jackson)
Round 7: Destined to play more than 183 games the rest of his career (Winner: Thomas)

Final score: Thomas 4, Jackson 3

Synopsis: Come on, you knew Big Hurt wasn't going to lose a Matchup during his very own week, didn't you? It was a back-and-forth battle, but once again Bo's serious hip injury keeps us wondering what might have been.

Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson, 1991, um, Bash II? ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 7)

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score All-Star Team ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 6)

Name: Frank Thomas

Team: Chicago White Sox

Positions: First base, designated hitter

Value of card: 1 Swiss franc

Key 1991 stat: 279 frankfurters eaten

10 reasons this card is awesome:

10) It was drawn by a blind hyena.

9) The glove has a G on it. For, uh, "glove."

8) Illustrated wristbands and turtlenecks are almost as cool as the real things.

7) It's the 1992 all-star team — in the 1993 set. Rad.

6) Nike gets a free plug on some super-hightops.

5) The stunning physical realism.

4) Frank likes it because it makes his butt look small.

3) It's the all-star team. Hence the giant star. How subtle.

2) 60-pound jowls.

1) Frank is, apparently, a white-handed batter.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score All-Star Team ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 6)

Frank Thomas, 1993 Upper Deck KidStars ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago Tiny White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, orthodontia patient
Value of card: A trade: your chocolate milk for lil' Frankie's Oreo cookies
Key 1992 stat: Third place, KidStars Trivia and Drinking Contest
Time for a quiz about a quiz:

Who scored 108 runs, had 115 RBI and walked 122 times in 1992?

(A) The cutest damn kid in Ms. Beasley's fourth-grade class in Columbus, Ga.
(B) The best player on the Lions' Little League team.
(C) The subject of one of the dumbest card subsets of all time.
(D) The tooth fairy's No. 1 client.
(E) A mini mock turtleneck model.
(F) All of the above.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Upper Deck KidStars ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 5)