Dan Smith, 1992 Bowman

Name: Dan Smith
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A pointy stick
Key 1991 stat: One snoozer of a name
Top 10 things pierced by Dan Smith's epic flat top:
10) A zeppelin (Oh the humanity!)
9) Nolan Ryan
8) Assorted birds
7) Balloons at a child's birthday party
6) Children at a child's birthday party
5) His own hands
4) A baseball hit back at him
3) A 12-pack of Coors Light
2) The Astrodome
1) Mrs. Smith

Dan Smith, 1992 Bowman

Zane Smith, 1989 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than dirt — Atlanta dirt
Key 1988 stat: 12 American Indian feathers worn — in jockstrap
Here's what Zane Smith stands for:

Zany in more ways than Juan
Another mulleted starter in the late 1980s
Never met a swamp he didn't swim in
Endless ridicule for senior-citizen stirrups

Snaggletooth was an endearing quality
Mascot seems to be laughing at its own racism
Imitation-gold necklace sure is shiny
Tan was his state of mind
Hated the name "Zane"; preferred the name "Mane"

Zane Smith, 1989 Donruss

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Arias
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Infield
Value of card: A blue piece of construction paper
Key 1992 stat: Zero Marlins franchises for another year
Another stunning accomplishment: We have to hand it to Topps. The Marlins major league franchise hadn't played a game before the 1993 season, but somehow the card company figured out an ingenious way to capture the action of the game and the players in their fledgling team's uniforms. Wow, what an accomplishment. Can you imagine how many meetings of the best and brightest at Topps it took to come up with such a brilliant idea? Just look at that background: stunning. And how smart is it to have the player sit there with a bat? The genius boggles the mind. And, as if they hadn't already showcased their smarts enough, the Topps brass had Arias look at the camera and smile. Wow. Again, we're awestruck by greatness, and, today, we're standing here slack-jawed against a background of blue.

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Ken Grundt, 1991 Pro Cards

Name: Ken Grundt
Team: Everett Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 26 diamonds (cut out from this card)
Key 1990 stat: Zero buttons on jersey
Giants' scouting report on minor league pitcher Ken Grundt: "We've been watching this guy play for seven decades. Still nothing. ... Grundt puts the 'ex' in 'experience.' ... The bad news: He can't pitch. The good news: He tells great World War II stories. ... When he started pitching for us, we were still the New York Giants. ... If we don't have a place for him in the bullpen we might need to put him in a home ... Surprising he's not better with such a smooth name like 'Ken Grundt.' ... Pretty impressive stats when it comes to opening tuna cans with his teeth. ... Best butt chin in our organization, bar none. ... Interesting fact: He actually founded the town of Everett. ... Might be worth keeping around if only to get the inside track on his 17-year-old grandson."

Ken Grundt, 1991 Pro Cards

Zane Smith, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A tenth of a loon. Not the Canadian currency — the bird.
Key 1989 stat: Endless sex appeal
Here's what Zane Smith stands for:

Zero trips to the dentist.
All right, one trip to the dentist. But it was just to pick up a friend.
Nose appears to be only normal part of face.
Even after you leave this page, that stare will stay with you.

Snaggletooth distracted hitters, acquaintances.
Mullet still easier to look at than that smile.
I'm pretty sure that uniform couldn't get much louder.
That lazy eye isn't doing him any favors, either.
Had 93 strikeouts in 1989 — and 930 strikeouts with the ladies that year.

Zane Smith, 1990 Upper Deck

Mike LaValliere, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 20)

Name: Mike "Spanky" LaValliere
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: See hand gesture
Key 1990 stat: One awesome nickname
We love Spanky: It's no secret, The Bust has an affection for the man they call Spanky. He was a catcher and a rascal, and his story of success is one we've chronicled. His crooked mustache was nearly as revered as his crooked grin, but nowhere near as revered as his symmetrical chins. He'd punch you in the junk for a laugh and once bit the head off a parrot. He cut his hair with child-proof scissors. He dressed up as a pirate (Jim Leyland) every Halloween, only because he really had a peg leg. Yes, The Bust loves Spanky. So why you treating us like this, Spanky? Why you flipping that hand gesture at us? Screw you too, Spanky. Screw you.

Mike LaValliere, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 20)

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Ed Olwine

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Two scalps (mascot said so)

Key 1988 stat: One brave fashion statement

Ed Olwine, from A to Z:

A - Attention: Computer programmer snuck into dugout. Please get him. Thank you.

B - Brave? Nothing about him says that.

C - Contact lenses aren't made that thick.

D - Dork, dweeb, doofus.

E - Eyes closed to block out career.

F - Face windshields? Check.

G - "Gosh, lady. Ha-huh. I ain't never been with a woman before. Ha-huh."

H - How was this considered a professional athlete?

I - Incinerated bugs with sunlight through glasses.

J - Just met Bill Gates, needs new underwear.

K - Kids still bully him.

L - Looks like Tom Henke.

M - Might be connected to wires behind him.

N - Never met a video game console he didn't like.

O - Over-under on sexual partners in lifetime: one.

P - Pointy chin can cut glass.

Q - Quiet except when someone brings up "Battlestar Galactica."

R - "Revenge of the Nerds" extra.

S - Snaggletooth was one of his better features.

T - Tomahawk in his pants or happy to see her? Tomahawk in his pants.

U - Under that hat, more glasses.

V - VIP at "Dungeons and Dragons" tournament in Tommy Frederick's mom's basement.

W - "Wussy" defined his existence.

X - XIV-centimeter lenses, in Roman numerals.

Y - Youth spent getting hit by bullies' rocks.

Z - Zeal for astrophysics riddles about "D&D."

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Zane Smith, 1990 Topps

Name: Zane Smith

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One used, broken retainer

Key 1989 stat: 154 fan boat rides a week

From the swamps to the big leagues: The year was 1989, the Alabama air was thick and the flies were the size of fists. On the edge of the swamps stood a man named Zane Smith, fan boat tour owner and champion gator wrestler. He was a local legend who made toothless women swoon and Klan members bow in his presence. His snaggletooth grill was the standard "look" in his town and was emulated by dozens of men and boys. But "Main Zane" had a hole in his soul that no 8-foot reptile or heaping pile of grits could fill. He pined for something more, something that could catapult him onto the national stage so he could promote his "Frantic Fan Boat Rides." "Main Zane" threw on his bib overalls, sleeveless flannel shirt and trucker hat and started balling up his already-chewed tobacco and heaving it toward a wall on his floating mobile home as a way to deal with his frustrations. In a chance encounter, a French-Canadian scout from Montreal was visiting the Cajun swamp trash part of his family and saw a sweaty, shirtless, snaggletoothed Smith rocketing soggy tobacco balls at his bedroom window. After a promise of front-row Lynyrd Skynyrd tickets, "Main Zane" was in Quebec throwing baseballs instead of chewing tobacco, mullet and all.

Zane Smith, 1990 Topps