Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bobby Bonds
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six broken razors
Key 1980 stat: 18 ounces of scum left on dugout wall
Here's what Bobby Bonds stands for:

Barbers were his worst enemies
Other than not being able to wear a ball cap, he looked good in a uniform
Buzz cut? Not quite
Ballplayer first, style maven second
You never know when Fleer is going to take a photo of you

Bed head taken to a whole new level
Optimal combination of 'fro and ragged beard
Never could find a razor in 1981
Dad to Barry Bonds, who was more clean ... shaven
Soul Glo, sucka, Soul Glo

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Name: Rowland Office
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for one ticket to "Airplane II: The Sequel" in 1982
Key 1981 stat: Zero attempts to speak French in Montreal
10 things you'll find in Rowland's Office:
10) A stapler for clasping the top of his jersey
9) A ruler, in inches, for measuring things in metric
8) Rubber cement, in case he ran out of Soul Glo
7) A lamp for making sure everyone saw his jheri curl glisten
6) A computer, circa 1982, for doing not much not very fast
5) Tape for attaching his hat to his hair so it wouldn't fly off
4) A keyboard, not for typing, but for playing sweet jams
3) A dictionary, for looking up the three regular words that make up his name
2) Scissors for not cutting his hair
1) A vibrating pen

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Braulio Castillo, 1992 Bowman

Name: Braulio Castillo
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Outfielder, suave pirate
Value of card: Two diamonds (silhouetted against the wall in the background)
Key 1991 stat: 172 swordfights won
Well, hello there: This is Braulio Castillo       athlete, sailor, paramour, rapscallion. He was a man who could sail the seven seas and play all nine innings, and he called no man "master." With a gold bracelet on one wrist and a leather-banded watch on the other, this Dominican Don Juan stole as many hearts as he did gold doubloons, and won nights of passion with admirers of all races, creeds and genders. But when he traded in his sword for a baseball bat in 1991, only misfortune followed. A man who had seemingly never missed before found himself hitting just .188 over the course of two MLB seasons. The Dread Braulio, as he was known on the open water, had become the dead Braulio to Phillies fans. So Castillo did what any sane man would do: He packed up his trunk of booty, put on his puffiest white shirt, Soul-Glo'd his hair to its shiniest and returned to his true love       the life of a playboy buccaneer.

Braulio Castillo, 1992 Bowman

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six diamonds (playing cards, not gemstones)
Key 1987 stat: 412 children frightened
Baseball's back, and so are Diamond Kings: We're ruining a perfectly good week again. In the past, we brought you atrocious, god-awful and dreadful installments of this famed Donruss series, but we had an idea (just one): Why not focus on Diamond Kings that are more frightening than they are funny? Well, we were mentally exhausted with coming up with our one idea for the week, so we couldn't think of a reason to stop ourselves from bringing you Disturbing Diamond Kings Week. Again, we apologize in advance.
What makes this particular Diamond King so disturbing? Short answer: a lot of things. We can start with Calderon's parents, who appear by his name and his looks to be a Russian soldier and a Puerto Rican yeti. Then, of course, we have Calderon's exploding afro, which we can only imagine covered poor people over a 2-mile radius in Soul Glo juice. And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Calderon's time as a drummer. But perhaps the most disturbing thing on this card — no, not the cockeyed chin or octopus bangs — is the tiny Pete Incaviglia who has taken the place of a tiny Ivan Calderon. Now that's disturbing.

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Manny Ramirez, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Name: Manny Ramirez
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of L.A. Looks hair gel
Key 1991 stat: 26 horizontal stripes
Today's fashion model: Gaze upon young Manny Ramirez, lucky reader, as he single-handedly refocuses inner-city style in early 1990s New York. His chosen design? Stripes. How many? Enough. Stare long enough and you'll be lost in his blouse as if it were a Magic Eye poster. But don't let the stripes distract you; the real star of the shirt is the mini-mock turtleneck, a style seldom seen outside medieval cathedrals. Tantalizing, especially when packaged with jewelry. Manny's earring? Glistening in the soft spring sun. His hair? Blinding, from the overabundance of hair gel applied with a kitchen mop. Young Manny wasn't done making bold choices, oh no. He opted for the loose tuck, with his shirt tucked in but with at least 6 inches remaining in a bunch flopping over his black stonewashed jeans. That's radical. And then there's the watch. It's tough to see here, but the hour hand is a bat and the minute hand is a ball. For young Manny, it's always 12 o'clock.

Manny Ramirez, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Name: Domingo Ramos
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infielder
Value of card: 6 ounces of El Glo de Soul (Latin-themed version of the popular Soul Glo)
Key 1987 stat: 14 sticks of eye black used (under eyes and in hair)
Domingo Ramos is a long name, so his teammates came up with nicknames. Here they are:

• Lunes Ramos
• Martes Ramos
• Miercoles Ramos 
• Jueves Ramos
• Viernes Ramos
• Sabado Ramos
• Sunday Ramos

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps