Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

• Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
• Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
• Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
• If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
• Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Ted Simmons, 1983 Milton Bradley Championship Baseball (Reader Appreciation Week No. 4)

Name: Ted Simmons
Team: Milwaukee Brewers, Team Hot Dog on a Stick
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Ink stains on your new shirt
Key 1982 stat: Won 719 staring contests
Rewriting history: Ted Simmons played for the Milwaukee Brewers in the early 1980s, a team that never, not even once, sported a cap that looked like the one above. Ah, the miracle of airbrushing. However, this particular artist, employed by the nation's premiere board-game maker, didn't stop at the hat. Here are some other ways in which this airbrusher went too far:

• Ted Simmons' jersey had a yellow stripe on the collar, not a red one.
• Ted Simmons' mullet has been mysteriously chopped down to size.
• Only through the magic of airbrushing could Ted Simmons' five-o'clock shadow be removed.
• The real Ted Simmons wore glasses.
• Ted Simmons was actually black.

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Ted Simmons, 1983 Milton Bradley Championship Baseball (Reader Appreciation Week No. 4)

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Name: Nate Newton
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Santa Claus
Value of card: Half an ounce of myrrh
Key 1993 stat: Four bunches of mistletoe eaten
Merry Christmas from the Bust: We were totally going to get you a gift, but we must have lost your address. Instead, please share in the bounty that Nate Newton and these two cheerleaders received.

• The cheerleader on the left received: An empty box, three square feet of golden wrapping paper and a fancy bow.
• The cheerleader on the right received: A new pair of tights that don't quite match her skin tone, a gift certificate for a touch-up for her femullet and an unwanted advance from the Pinnacle photographer.
• Nate Newton received: Two ham sandwiches, a handle of Southern Comfort and a pound of plant matter that didn't come from those trees in the background.

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Name: Craig McMurtry
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 burnt mustache hairs
Key 1987 stat: Didn't do nothin'
Quotable quote from the back of the card: "Craig McMurtry says this about smoke: 'Every team should have a pitcher that throws it. Every home should have an alarm that detects it.'"
Stop, drop and gag: Here are some of the ways in which the above card does and does not promote fire safety.

• It promotes fire safety by eschewing the use of loud, incendiary colors in favor of a simple black-and-white, homemade color scheme.
• It does not promote fire safety in that it lies about Craig McMurtry being a Blue Jay. Dude never threw a pitch for the team. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
• It promotes fire safety by using a photo of McMurtry taken off a TV screen rather than having him drive in and get his muffler all hot.
• It does not promote fire safety by flaunting all that arm hair. Those limbs are just a tinderbox, ready to blow!
• It promotes fire safety by having McMurtry wear those glasses rather than use them to fry insects or       considering the size of the lenses       small cities.
• It does not promote fire safety by inducing a coma just by looking at it. Come on, man, we could have had a candle burning!

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Buck Martinez, 2001 Oh Henry! Team Set

Name: Buck Martinez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Manager
Value of card: Whatever Buck finds in his pants
Key 2000 stat: Not once did he say "eh"
10 more candy terms, this time for Buck Martinez:
10) Reese's Big Cup (so that there's room for ol' Hands-in-Pants Martinez)
9) Whatchamacallit (what Buck called the shortstop position)
8) Milk Duds (a lot of his games were duds, that's for sure)
7) Mike & Ike (two guys who would have been better managers)
6) Kisses (not when you've got your hands in your crotch, buddy)
5) Airheads (sums up his coaching style)
4) Snickers (sure, we used it last time, but look at this photo!)
3) Payday (Buck stopped getting them after 1½ seasons)
2) Skor (Jays didn't do much of this under Buck)
1) Nutrageous (guess why)

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Buck Martinez, 2001 Oh Henry! Team Set

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Cowboy, ace
Value of card: A tumbleweed
Key 1989 stat: Waist of pants 1/2-inch below belly button
It's an Old West pop quiz: Um, what does Nolan know, exactly?

A) Why the caged bird sings
B) How to hitch his britches up higher than yours
C) What Robin Ventura's tears taste like
D) What you did last summer
E) Why they call it a 10-gallon hat
F) How to pull off a Canadian tuxedo
G) How to have a longer career than Bo

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Mark McGwire, 1989 Pepsi-Cola special edition

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Not sure (Pepsi Soda-Stars?)

Position: Alone on the field

Value of card: Two ripped-off tabs from Pepsi cans

Key 1988 stat: 5 milliliters of high-fructose corn syrup

10 reasons this card is not the choice of the next generation:

10) After the photo shoot, McGwire had to have his legs amputated because his pants were so tight.

9) No mullet, no facial hair, no dice.

8) One person in the stands, and he's leaving.

7) McGwire actually conducted this photo shoot by himself with a tripod, a timer and three Coors Lights.

6) Yes, ladies, those stirrups go all the way up.

5) Lots of foul ground, more foul stench.

4) McGwire has never, ever stood like that during a game.

3) No A's logo, but Pepsi and Chevron are represented.

2) The infield dirt has been drug to resemble a giant penis starting between McGwire's legs.

1) McGwire was on Coke.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Pepsi-Cola special edition

Jose Canseco, 1990 Topps Kmart Super Stars

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Blue Light Special sale price: $Dung

Key 1989 stat: 26-inch mullet

Fun Facts about Kmart and Jose Canseco:

• Kmart offers deals to customers. Canseco offers deals for performance-enhancing drugs.
• Kmart caters to the working class. Canseco has no class, working or otherwise.
• Kmart sells toddler-size T-shirts. Canseco is wearing one.
• Kmart once had Blue Light Specials. Canseco once had "something special" in the red light district.
• Kmart is an upfront business. Canseco's hair is business up front, party in the back.
• Kmart used to advertise Jordache jeans. So did Canseco.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Topps Kmart Super Stars

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Name: Bo Jackson
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Outfielder/Running Back, apparently
Value of card: Half off
Key 1989 stat: Four amputated fingers
More great moments in Photoshop: The makers of this fine special edition card were split over how to present it. Half wanted Bo in baseball attire, while the other half preferred his football photo. A bitter debate divided the room, causing a rift between longtime coworkers and friends. After dissecting the subject for days, there seemed no end to the dichotomy between them. Rather than tearing the project asunder, these masterminds searched the hemisphere for someone — or something — to unite them. In the end, it was a brand-new software that brought them harmony. Sure, it cost Bo four fingers and caused his ears to become uneven, but it did nothing to diminish his bulge.

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Names: Bo Jackson, Bart Simpson

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Springfield Isotopes

Positions: Outfield; Mischievous, catch phrase-spitting brat

Value of card: One pair of shorts, eaten

Key 1990 stats: 50 humorous chalkboard recitations; 50 massive bubbles blown

It's time for The Matchup, Bo Week-style:

Round 1: Short-shorts (Winner: Bart)

Round 2: Bubbles coming from mouth (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 4: Anatomical makeup allowing for bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 5: Hovering height (Winner: Bart)

Round 6: Random light-blue lump on shoulder (Winner: Bo)

Round 7: Size of head (Winner: Bart)

Round 8: Popularity among 12-year-olds in 1991 (Winner: Tie)

Round 9: Tiny headwear (Winner: Bo)

Score: Bo 4, Bart 3 (Ties, 2)

Synopsis: The competition was stiff, but, as is usually the case, a grown man with a bat beats a punk kid with a smart mouth and a skateboard.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Undetermined due to lack of jersey
Position: Um, batback?
Value of card: Two sports
Key 1988 stat: One unoriginal idea
Welcome to Bo Week: This week, we at the Bust celebrate the greatest two-sport star of all time (well, after Deion Sanders and Michael Jordan), Bo Jackson. During the late 1980s and early '90s, Bo was an American legend, an icon known for wearing shoulder pads and carrying a weighty stick — like RuPaul, but different. He played most of his pro baseball career for the Kansas City Royals, which always left his autumns open for football and the Los Angeles Raiders. Here we see Bo in a pose that certainly will not be copied in any other cards this week — wearing football pants and shoulder pads while holding a baseball bat. Surely card companies thought of myriad other ways to shoot Bo. Right?

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)

Don Mattingly, 1988 Fantastic Sam's Baseball Superstars

Name: Don Mattingly
Team: New York Yankees
Position: First base
Value of card: One circle
Key 1987 stat: 13 bad haircuts from Fantastic Sam's
A bust of a different breed: Most of the victims at this site involve terrible photos, terrible clothing choices or terrible concepts; this is the first time the piece of cardboard alone qualifies itself for Bust status. Look at the worry on Donnie Baseball's face. Even he knows this half baseball card-half pog is an awful idea. Maybe ol' Fantastic Sam should spend a little more time training his stylists how to give perms and a little less time coming up with useless, square collector's items.

Don Mattingly, 1988 Fantastic Sam's Baseball Superstars

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, benevolent leader
Value of card: The truth
Key 1990 stat: 34 people recruited
Tragedy in Texas: Sure, everyone knows Nolan Ryan was a stud on the mound and an all-around badass everywhere else. But few ever heard about the government standoff he was involved in during the 1990 season. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms received word that Ryan had started a cult, luring in young boys who wore replica Rangers uniforms and young women in baggy dresses and off-center haircuts. The feds swooped in, surrounding Arlington Stadium and urging the fireballer to release his followers. Ryan ignored their requests, instead sending out a pallet of Rangers road unis, all No. 34. A three-day impasse ensued, ending when ATF agents stormed the stadium, tackling anyone in cleats. Ryan and his believers had escaped, however, and the government ended up only pressing charges against Julio Franco, who was caught having inappropriate relations with his bat.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Cal Ripken Jr., 2001 special edition

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Third Base
Value of card: One DNP
Key Sept. 3, 2001, stat: Zero consecutive games played
Not making this up: On Sept. 3, 2001, the Baltimore Orioles opened up a three-game set at Oakland. It was widely known that the Iron Man, Cal Ripken Jr., would retire at the end of the season, making every road trip a going-away of sorts. Ballparks around the nation agreed to distribute free Ripken baseball cards to their fans as a way of honoring the owner of the most-consecutive-games streak. The problem on this day? The man of the hour sat out. That's right, baseball's Iron Man took Labor Day off. Fans hoping to catch a baseball hero play one last time — and possibly for the first time — instead got to watch fill-in third baseman Tony Batista go 0-for-3 with a strikeout as the hometown A's won 4-2. While this card itself is not a bust, the story behind it most certainly is.

Card submitted by Dom Calicchio

Cal Ripken Jr., 2001 special edition

Steve Bedrosian, 1988 Woolworth Baseball Highlights

Name: Steve Bedrosian
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: One Woolworth's coupon
Key 1987 stats: 40 saves, one beard-related injury
Eyes on the prize: Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian had the ninth inning locked down in 1987, registering a National League-leading 40 saves to go with five wins and a 2.83 ERA. Those numbers earned him the Cy Young Award that year, but what few remember is that Bedrock was temporarily blinded in a freak beard-trimming accident that August. The Phillies, desperate to stay in the NL East race, tried to train Bedrosian to throw strikes with his compromised eyes shut. The attempt failed miserably and ended in DL stints for the blurry-sighted Bedrosian, Kevin Gross, who was plunked in the glasses with a 95-mph heater, and Kent Tekulve, who strained an oblique muscle from laughing so hard.

Steve Bedrosian, 1988 Woolworth Baseball Highlights

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Less than a ride on the Ryan Express
Key 1990 stat: Six interceptions (preseason only)
Multi-sport athlete: Sure, most baseball fans know Nolan Ryan threw a major league record seven no-hitters and leads the strikeout list with 5,714 K's. But during the fall of 1990, the fireballer took up a whole other ballgame. After finishing the 1989 season with a godawful 1-15 record, the Dallas Cowboys were the laughing stock of the NFL. Not sure how rookie running back Emmitt Smith and second-year quarterback Troy Aikman would pan out, owner Jerry Jones knew he had to take a risk. Enter the Ryan Express. The pitcher, then 43, signed a conditional one-year contract with America's Team and brought his 100 mph-plus arm to camp that summer. Ryan refused to wear a helmet or pads, openly questioning the virility of football players everywhere. The media loved the signing. His new teammates? Not so much. Ryan's laser throws broke all 10 of Daryl "Moose" Johnston's fingers and nearly severed Jay Novacek's arm at the elbow. The final straw came during a preseason game against the the then-Phoenix Cardinals, when his receiving corp avoided his strikes like Michael Irvin avoided rehab. The big hurler threw six interceptions that day, his only NFL game, but managed to give the crowd one last gridiron thrill, tackling Mike Zordich like he was Robin Ventura. A determined Ryan returned to the Texas Rangers, tossing his final no-hitter May 1, 1991.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards