Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of cards: Two tabs, bro
Key 2000 stat: Wait, wait, wait, bro; you mean we're in the year 2000? Whoa.
Duuuuuuuude: "Whoa, man. What are you doing over there, man? You're like glowing and stuff, man. Oh ... my ... gosh, dude. You're, like, covered in colors. Dude, this is so trippy. And what are you wearing, man? Is this some kind of a renaissance fair or something? You look like a knight. What do you call a knight at night? I don't even know, dude. Huh-huh. That's hilarious. You have a mask on from that one movie, what's it called? 'Hannibal Lecture'? Yeah, man. You look crazy, man. Why are you so, like, squatty? Huh-huh. Squatty. What does that even mean? I don't know what I'm saying. ... My skin is melting. ... I need to find a bench, man."

Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Name: Granville Wilbur "Granny" Hamner
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Second base
Value of card: $1 off at the movies
Key 1958 stat: Back in his day, you could buy a candy bar for a nickel
Learn from your elders with this pop quiz: How did Granville Hamner get his nickname?

A) From a bunch of unimaginative teammates who would later go on to write an unimaginative baseball card blog
B) His two-hand, underhand throwing style, seen above
C) His inappropriate fawning over every baby he saw
D) His saggy man-boobs
E) Dude wore a diaper

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Ed Hearn, 1989 Topps

Name: Ed Hearn
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: You guessed it: It ain't worth squat
Key 1988 stat: 12 high school classes attended
Let's see what Ed Hearn stands for:

Everyman who made every man feel more manly
Dumb look on his face shows photographer's skill

Helmet and chest protector usually worn in the sack
Eagerly spread legs for maximum bulge exposure
Acting wasn't his forte; hence this awful pose
Rarely sat; usually squatted
Never met a jockstrap he didn't like

Ed Hearn, 1989 Topps

Tim Wallach, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Tim Wallach
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Third base
Value of card: Not enough to get caught in that netting
Key 1993 stat: Could have used some more batting practice
Read this man's mind: What's Tim Wallach thinking in this photo?

A) "This is as close to home plate as I've been all year."
B) "This Astroturf tastes nothing like real grass."
C) "Uh oh, Lasorda's out of cannolis again. Run!"
D) "Hi mom!"
E) Holy crap, according to the back of the card, it actually is "Hi mom!" You must be psychic!

Tim Wallach, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Mike Scott, 1990 Bowman

Name: Mike Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Jack spit
Key 1989 stat: Irritable bowel syndrome
Something stinks here: What's missing from the photo on this card?

A) Scott's magazine
B) A roll of TP
C) A bottle of Pepto
D) Decency
E) All of the above

Mike Scott, 1990 Bowman

Jimmy Key, 1988 Fleer Superstars

Name: Jimmy Key
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, squatting
Value of card: Imminent doom
Key 1987 stat: 7-pound bulge
North-of-the-border quiz time: Who's the real superstar on this card?

A) Jimmy Key's puberty mustache
B) Jimmy Key's "I think I just pooped" face
C) Jimmy Key's bow-leg-inducing bulge
D) Jimmy Key's monotone powder blue uniform
E) The Bust Trophy. We're No. 1! We're No. 1!

Jimmy Key, 1988 Fleer Superstars

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Night sweats
Key 1990 stat: Squatted a lot
Putting the psycho in psychoanalysis: We here at the Bust were never much good at baseball. Some say we're not very good at baseball humor either. (Thanks, Mom.) So we figured we'd try our hand at a new hobby: dream analysis. Here goes nothin'. In this dream, the 5-foot-wide plate represents your chances at succeeding in life. However, Benny Santiago represents all the things preventing you from reaching that success. The fact that he's wearing a mask is symbolic of you not wanting to face your fears. The fact that he's pointing at you through his glove symbolizes that you think you have no place to feel safe. The fact that he's tossing the baseball means that you feel you don't have enough control over your life. And the fact that his crotch is wide open means that maybe you should stop staring at men's crotches, bro. Jeez.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Matt Stark, 1991 Classic

Name: Matt Stark
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The ability to grow 5 o'clock shadow at 11 a.m.
Key 1990 stats: Four hits, six strikeouts
Cheer up — take this quiz:

What's got Matt Stark so glum?

A) He knows how terrible he is at baseball.
B) He knows how terrible he is with the ladies.
C) He knows how terrible he looks in red.
D) He knows how terrible this Classic baseball card set is going to be.
E) All of the above.

Matt Stark, 1991 Classic

Joe Oliver, 1990 Fleer

Name: Joe Oliver
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Red
Key 1989 stat: 700 lipstick stains
Ten things you never wanted to know about Joe Oliver's catcher's mitt:
10) Its nickname was Hot Lips.
9) It never put out on the first date. Usually.
8) It kept custody of the kids when it and Oliver divorced in '98.
7) It never really liked baseball, but faked interest to keep Joe happy.
6) Its sister was Janice from the "Muppet Show" band.
5) It used to cheat on Oliver with starting catcher Jeff Reed.
4) It only chewed Big Red.
3) Its favorite pitch to catch was the high hard one.
2) Leathery on the outside, sweaty on the inside.
1) It only wore such garish lipstick for photo day.

Joe Oliver, 1990 Fleer

Terrell Wade, 1996 Fleer Ultra

Name: Terrell Wade
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An old tube of canker sore medicine
Key 1996 stat: One sore throat
Terrell Wade's train of thought from 3:12 to 3:13 p.m., March 18, 1996: "This is great. All I have to do is put this bat in my mouth up to the black, and I can avoid all that rookie hazing crap the other guys have to deal with. Who wants to dress like Hooters girls or the Wizard of Oz? Plus, I won't have to carry Jeff Blauser's suitcase full of discount schnapps at all! This'll be just like when I was a kid, when I'd stick my fist in the peanut butter and then put the whole thing in my mouth. OK, here goes. Easy ... easy. Good, almost there — yeah, baby! I win! ... Oh God, it's stuck. Oh God. Oh God, it's stuck! I can't get it out! Help! Why are you all laughing?! Help!"
The moral of the story: Rookie hazing is awesome.

Terrell Wade, 1996 Fleer Ultra

Kevin Brown, Ben Davis, Bobby Estalella, 1997 Topps

Names: Kevin Brown, Ben Davis, Bobby Estalella

Teams: Texas Rangers, San Diego Padres, Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher x 3
Value of card: Jack squat
Key 1996 stat: Nothing key about these guys
Three burgeoning backstops, one Matchup:

Round 1: Most appropriate use of catcher's mask (Winner: Tie — nobody)
Round 2: Prettiness (Winner: Davis)
Round 3: Squatting (Winner: Estalella)
Round 4: Sharing a name with an actual, modern-day major leaguer (Winner: Brown)
Round 5: Bulge (Winner: Brown)
Round 6: Ability to pose in front of chain-link fence (Winner: Tie — Davis and Estalella)
Round 7: Being destined for a good baseball career (Winner: Tie — nobody)

Final score: Brown 2, Davis 1, Estalella 1 (3 ties)

Summary: Kevin Brown claims a victory despite only going 2 for 10. Then again, that's pretty good for these three bums.

Kevin Brown, Ben Davis, Bobby Estalella, 1997 Topps

John Russell, 1987 Topps

Name: John Russell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Titillation
Key 1986 stat: One indecent exposure charge
Hey there, sailor: John Russell was not very good at baseball. In 10 major league seasons, he clubbed just 34 home runs and batted .225. But 1986 was a year to remember for the young backstop. He hit 13 taters, drove in 60 runs and invented what would be called the game's most distracting defensive maneuver until Rick Wilkins unveiled his crotch-block in 1991. During big at-bats, Russell would take his stance behind the plate and then slowly strip off his mask, chest protector, shin guards, uniform and undershirt. Batters, in awe of Russell's rug of chest hair and oversize jock strap, would flail away, finding it difficult to pick up the ball out of the pitcher's hand when they could hardly look away from the pair just below their elbows. MLB banned Russell's burly burlesque act the next year, and the catcher would play just 235 games over the next seven seasons.

John Russell, 1987 Topps

Roger McDowell, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: New York Mets
Position: Closer, jerk
Value of card: Jack squat
Key 1987 stat: 129,031 insults of teammates
Catching heat: Roger McDowell must have majored in being a jerk at Lasorda University. When Donruss came around to take its photos for its 1988 set, McDowell stole one of catcher Gary Carter's mitts and promptly took a squat. "Hey guys, look at me! I'm Gary Carter. Did you guys know I only batted .235 last year? And that I'm fat and slow and stupid?" McDowell went on, saying unfortunate things about Carter's wife and questioning his masculinity in about 20 different ways. The cameramen were uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as McDowell after an irate Carter ran over and stretched the mitt over the closer's face.

Roger McDowell, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Billy Ripken, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Billy Ripken

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Positions: Second base, Camera No. 2

Value of card: Payback is priceless

Key 1991 stat: 4.3 megapixels

Turnabout is foul play: Billy Ripken had been planning his revenge for two years. In 1989, he was the butt of the most renowned practical joke in sports card history, infuriating him and his legendary baseball family. Fans of all stripes had spent two years calling him a name that rhymes with "Thuck Face" after a mischievous Fleer photographer wrote the words on the knob of his bat and the card made it into thousands of homes and the collections of countless gleeful children. Ripken channeled his anger into a plan meant to embarrass all sports card photographers to the extent of humiliation he had felt when his Fleer card debuted in 1990. Ripken spent months working on a powerful camera with a lens the size of a watermelon and a zoom that could pierce thin walls and textiles. With the help of a forklift, he brought his giant camera, which he dubbed the "(Expletive) Face 3,000," to early season games in 1991 when sports cards photographers were sure to be shooting. Instead of taking batting practice or fielding ground balls, Ripken aimed his massive lens at the photographers, hoping to catch them unawares in compromising situations. Alas, Ripken wasn't much of a photographer, and because he couldn't lift the camera without the help of a crane he was immobile and unable to follow the shutterbugs. He spent hours focused, one eye closed, the other scanning for his shot, but he never snapped a photo he could use as payback. But his focus and immobility did give his nemesis, the Fleer photographer, the last laugh: After hours behind the camera, Ripken played a game in 1991 with a sign taped to his back that read, "It says (expletive) face on my knob."

Billy Ripken, 1992 Upper Deck

Chili Davis, 1993 Fleer

Name: Chili Davis
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One bowl of chili
Key 1992 stat: 72 cases of heartburn
Pop quiz time:

Why is Chili Davis squatting like that?

A) He's reliving the rape shower he took that morning
B) He's beatboxing like a sucka MC
C) He's coughing up blood after being impaled in the chest by a broken bat
D) He's a designated hitter. What else is he supposed to do? Play defense?
E) Two words: Chili burps

Chili Davis, 1993 Fleer

Dan Walters, 1993 Fleer

Name: Dan Walters

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Catcher

Value of card: This much (hold hands 2 inches apart)

Key 1992 stat: 418 straight minutes squatting

10 things the photographer could have said to make Walters pose this way:

10) "OK, let's make sure your junk is on display for the kiddies."

9) "Because you're a baseball player, pretend like you're about to catch a football."

8) "Show me those gaps between your teeth, tiger."

7) "Try to look as unathletic as possible."

6) "Act like you're approaching a pretty lady at the bar."

5) "Those are radical armbands, dude. We should show them off."

4) "Demonstrate how never to catch a baseball."

3) "Let's role play: Pretend you're a midget at a nudist colony."

2) "Show me on one hand how many hits you had last season."

1) "Pretend you're taking a dump."

Dan Walters, 1993 Fleer

Gene Larkin, 1989 Donruss

Name: Gene Larkin
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One jar of Nads
Key 1988 stat: 161 lives changed
A selfless slugger: Sure, the smaller-minded among us might laugh at this card. "Check out Larkin's monobrow," we might say. "It looks like his forehead is wearing a toupee," we might snicker. "How did his moustache get above his eyes?" we might ask. The truth is, Gene Larkin was a selfless man. At a time when most ballplayers were overly concerned with grooming and style, Larkin stepped up to the plate and became an eyebrow donor. Every year, thousands of young people across this country drunkenly fall asleep on a friend's couch only to wake up sans eyebrows. To some, it's a practical joke, but many victims don't know where to turn. Larkin and fellow major leaguer Mike Harkey provided an invaluable service to these unfortunate few, being able to harvest half of their forehead carpets to donate to the browless. We here at the Bust salute you, Gene Larkin, and your bushy benefaction.
However: Squatting is always funny.

Gene Larkin, 1989 Donruss