Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:

• Gilligan
• Frederich Frobel, the inventor of kindergarten
• A promising baseball prospect
• Boyfriend material
• Jim Morrison. No, not that one, this one.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rich Gedman
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Gum, scraped off your shoe
Key 1990 stat: Squinted even more than he squatted
Houston, we have a pop quiz: Who is Rich Gedman impersonating in the above photo?

(A) Dieter from "Sprockets"
(B) Someone who just had one of those bats jammed where the sun don't shine
(C) A mannequin
(D) A professional baseball player
(E) None of the above      that's how he always looked

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Name: Charlie Moore
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: More than nothing? Doubtful
Key 1980 stat: Squinted 75 percent of the time
Things Charlie could have used Moore of:

• Hair
• Baseball acumen
• Deodorant
• Friends
• Good life choices

Things Charlie could have used less of:

• Waking up on the lawn
• Passed balls
• Rejection
• Crippling self-doubt
• Beard lice

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:

10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Name: Lance McCullers
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Its value isn't worth a second look
Key 1989 stat: 1,271 pitches thrown, but not seen
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

Why isn't Lance McCullers looking at his pitch?

(A) He understands what the result will be.
(B) He's intimidated by the out-of-focus Blue Jays player wearing a pair of culottes.
(C) George Steinbrenner was standing behind the plate, shirtless.
(D) He's not pitching; he's passing gas in an exaggerated manner.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Name: Allen Ripley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $12 (don't believe it)
Key 1980 stat: 4-inch distance between camera and face
Let's play a new game: Ripley's Believe It or Not:

• Believe it or not? Ripley once flew away during a game thanks to his hair wings.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was really wearing a Giants hat in this photo; it wasn't a crudely drawn facsimile added during the card production process.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was a close talker, hence the closeness of his face to the camera lens.
• Believe it or not? Ripley's nose was detachable, as evidenced by the creases around his snoz.
• Believe it or not? This card was not one of many abominations in the 1981 Topps set.

Oh, in case you wondering, don't believe any of the garbage above. 

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Name: Larry Parrish
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Third base
Value of card: Unlike his beard, it's not priceless
Key 1981 stat: 761 ladies who swooned at the sight of his beard
10 glorious things about Larry Parrish's beard:
10) With just a bit of dye, it allowed him to sing in front of thousands of fans at a Kenny Rogers concert.
9) It deflected bullets when he was shot on the mean streets of Montreal.
8) He could use it to remove baked-on food from pots and pans.
7) It provided a convenient place to store chew spit.
6) It allowed him to apply to become part of this illustrious group; his request is still pending.
5) He could be Chewbacca every Halloween.
4) It made him the manliest man in Japan when he played for the Hanshin Tigers and Yakult Swallows.
3) It took attention away from the "blinding pinwheel" Expos uniform.
2) He was able to spend his offseason working as a mountain goat.
1) It winked at the ladies for him.

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Name: Dan Coombs
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 yards of the material lining the outside of this card
Key 1967 stat: 14 "coombs" to run through your hair
Here's what Dan Coombs stood for:

Doorknob-thick glasses allowed him to peer into batters' minds
Acid, man — acid
Never let anyone besides himself cut his hair

Chin made of solid granite
Obscure 1960s pitcher with Hollywood glamour
Object of affection for female shop teachers everywhere
Machine-gun collection forcing us to rethink the direction of this blog post
Bit through tuna cans on teammates' dares
Squinted so hard he pushed his eyes into his sinuses

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Wade Boggs, 1986 Classic

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Third base
Value of card: 11 bare bones from already eaten chicken wings
Key 1985 stats: 64 Miller Lites drank on a cross-country flight
Wade Boggs, apparently, was a prop comic. Here are some of his "jokes":

• Carry around a rubber chicken; swing it like a baseball bat at underhand pitches. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Set up a bunch of watermelons; smash them with a baseball bat all over the crowd. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Put on a batting helmet, a batting helmet with an "arrow" through it. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Take a seat on the dugout bench after striking out; sit on a whoopee cushion. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Insert a big pinch of chewing tobacco — in front of chattering teeth. Drink a Miller Lite.
• Slowly move across the diamond with an extended collar and leash; say you're walking an invisible rubber chicken. Drink a Miller Lite. 

Wade Boggs, 1986 Classic

Dickie Thon, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More when it's ripped up into tiny pieces and used as confetti
Key 1988 stat: 11 showers (all season)
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Dung-colored uniforms smell like they look
Inside that mind? Dirty, dirty thoughts
Caterpillar died above his lip
Killer — lady killer
Insect species by the dozen living in that hair mess
Eyes looking into the sun, and they'll soon melt

Tells women he sang "The Thon Song"
Horrible card crop not as bad as his hair crop
Other than featuring the worst photo of all time, this card isn't that bad
Never was introduced to a comb

Dickie Thon, 1989 Upper Deck

Ricky Ledee, 1997 Bowman

Name: Ricky Ledee
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The tape wrapped around Ledee's wrist after it has been cut off
Key 1996 stat: 26 pinstripes (on his underwear)
A few of the 1997 photos of Ledee that Bowman didn't use:

• The one where his eyes are completely closed and he's smiling like a moron with his limp fist on his cheek.
• The one where his limp fist is actually inside his mouth when he's squinting and smiling like a moron.
• The one where he has both of his limp fists on his cheeks when he's squinting and smiling like a moron.
• The one where his teeth look even more crooked when he's squinting and smiling like a moron with his limp fist on his cheek.
• The normal one.

Ricky Ledee, 1997 Bowman

Dan Smith, 1992 Bowman

Name: Dan Smith
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A pointy stick
Key 1991 stat: One snoozer of a name
Top 10 things pierced by Dan Smith's epic flat top:
10) A zeppelin (Oh the humanity!)
9) Nolan Ryan
8) Assorted birds
7) Balloons at a child's birthday party
6) Children at a child's birthday party
5) His own hands
4) A baseball hit back at him
3) A 12-pack of Coors Light
2) The Astrodome
1) Mrs. Smith

Dan Smith, 1992 Bowman

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

Name: Ron Washington
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Less than a 1-cent stamp
Key 1988 stat: 2,902,571 curls in hair
Fun facts about former Indians infielder and current Rangers manager Ron Washington and first president of the U.S. George Washington:

• George Washington was said to have teeth made out of wood. Ron Washington's mustache was made out of suede.
• George Washington wore a powdered wig. Ron Washington wore a Halloween fright wig in this photo.
• As a boy, George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree. Ron Washington rarely made such solid contact with his swing.
  
• After cutting down the cherry tree, George Washington reportedly said to his father, "I cannot tell a lie." Ron Washington's shifty eyes make him a little harder to trust.
• George Washington's military strategy was full of wrinkles to give him an advantage. Ron Washington's face was full of wrinkles, giving him the advantage of a senior discount at Marie Callender's.
• George Washington led American forces to victory in the Revolutionary War. Ron Washington is still  working on leading the American League to a meaningful victory.

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

Keith Atherton, 1989 Fleer

Name: Keith Atherton
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nothing; not even a bad joke or a tired pun; just nothing
Key 1988 stat: No chance this guy ever stepped on a field
This can't be correct: Nope, we don't believe it. We here at The Bust might have spent our formative years embarrassing our fathers with our field-of-play performances, but we don't think this guy is a real athlete. We don't usually make fun of people's appearances (cough, cough) but c'mon, look at this guy. Can't you hear his mother, just off camera, telling young Keith to lift his hat off his eyes so the nice photographer can take his picture? How did this guy pick out his glasses? "Um, excuse me, sir. Does your store (snort) happen to have any really thick lenses with clear frames? I (snort) need them to match my pocket protector." The only thing we can see this guy pitching is a tent outside an Atari store the night before "Centipede" was released. This guy's squinting and sickly skin tone are proof he hasn't seen the sun in months. Heck, even his shadow looks like it could have programmed your VCR. And that mustache, oh man. That thing is anything but big league; it has nearly as many holes as his mesh jersey. Bottom line: We're pretty sure the only time this guy has played with the twins was when he roomed with the Lewandowski brothers at band camp in 1984.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Keith Atherton, 1989 Fleer

Dick MacPherson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Name: Dick MacPherson
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One mustard stain
Key 1991 stat: 4,619 liver spots on hands
Top 10 places you've seen Dick MacPherson's sweater:
10) The Goodwill down the street
9) The shadier Goodwill across town
8) In your dad's dresser
7) At that Bad Christmas Sweater Party you went to last year
6) On your neighbor's ugly dog in the winter
5) We're pretty sure Tom Brady wore it a couple years back
4) About 20 years ago, on some old guy at Pro Line Studios. ... Hey, wait a minute!
3) In your uncle's rag drawer
2) In a gift box from Grandma three Christmases ago
1) On a homeless Dick MacPherson after he went 8-24 in two seasons with the Pats

Dick MacPherson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Terry Bross, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Terry Bross
Team: New York Mets
Positions: Pitcher, turtle groomer
Value of card: 3 ounces of Turtle Wax
Key 1991 stat: 9-inch turtleneck
A salute to the turtleneck king: Wow. Take a few moments and breathe in the beauty of the turtleneck before you. You're witnessing greatness, from the clavicle to the chin, a few yards of rolled-over cotton and polyester covered by a 2-pound "Mets" logo. Despite the size, it appears Bross didn't think enough attention would be paid to his turtleneck, so he wore a jacket made from the aluminum siding of a Blue Angels jet and polished it to a blinding sheen. Bross showed that kind of dedication during his brief career, too. He was a two-sport star at St. John's University, where he played basketball and undoubtedly could have made our White Ballers Week. After a few years in the big leagues, Bross moved on to Japan, where he played on a team called the Swallows. (Insert your own joke here.) Now, he's an agent with Gaylord (ahem) Sports Management, and represents a handful (ahem) of major leaguers. Though he has had many stops that add to his legend, Bross will likely go down in history as the man whose turtleneck was so magnificent, everyone called it the "Tortoiseneck."

Terry Bross, 1992 Upper Deck

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Name: Garo Yepremian
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Back hair
Key 1976 stat: Fourth straight year without a haircut
Top 10 nicknames for Garo Yepremian in 1976:
10) The Bald Boot
9) Scumbag
8) That Guy Who's Always On The Blooper Reel
7) Sideburn Afro Man
6) The Chest Yeti
5) Squinty McCreeper
4) People's Sexiest Man of the Year
3) Weird Uncle Garo
2) The Furry Foot
1) Scare-o Yepremian

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Dan Meyer, 1979 Topps

Name: Dan Meyer
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base
Value of card: One nasty sunburn
Key 1978 stat: Eyes never fully opened
Fun facts about towhead Dan Meyer:

• The title character in the movie "Powder" was loosely based on Dan Meyer.
• Meyer had to play in Seattle — it was the only place where he could stay out of the sun enough to keep from being burned alive.
• His torso was so pale, you could actually see his organs through his skin.
• Meyer was so white, his home uniform looked gray on him.
• Meyer grew out the mullet seen above in hopes that his hair would darken as it got longer. Instead, he ended up looking like he was wearing a doll's wig.
• His chain is made of — wait for it — white gold.
• Meyer portrayed the abominable snowman in TV's "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special.

Dan Meyer, 1979 Topps

Geronimo Pena, 1992 Topps

Name: Geronimo Pena
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Second base
Value of card: Carpal tunnel syndrome
Key 1991 stat: Nobody knew what he looked like
Misadventures in Photoshop: Two years had passed since Topps' much-criticized Photoshop series involving Twins pine-rider Al Newman. The staffers at Topps, of course, had learned nothing. Late one night, drunk on peppermint schnapps and cherry-flavored vodka, the photo editors decided to 'shop out the face of Cardinals utility infielder Geronimo Pena and replace it with random people. Above we see Topps janitor Felipe Jimenez. Most of the faces that made it to print were more well-known, including Bruce Springsteen, "Ghost" co-stars Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, Abraham Lincoln and Santa Claus. Controversy erupted, and "Road House" star Swayze went so far as to sue Topps, saying, "If I were a baseball player, you'd better damn well believe I'd hit more than five home runs."

Geronimo Pena, 1992 Topps